by Sarah Price
“You’ve brought a great deal of worldliness into my life. How would I ever have been able to return to the People?” she asked sadly. “I see now why the church doesn’t want us exposed to your world.”
He released her arm and she walked down the stairs. In just a few minutes, he had exposed her to the most horrific evil that she could imagine. She knew that the images on that paper would stay with her for a long time to come. But, what was even worse was the fact that, in just a few short months, he had changed her entire life.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Sylvia had no choice but to leave the house. If nothing else, she just needed time to clear her head. She needed to make sense of what Jake had just told her. So, when she bumped into Lillian at the bottom of the stairs, Sylvia fought back her tears as she asked Lillian if they could finish the room another day. Lillian nodded, not asking any questions. Clearly, she had overheard at least some of the conversation between Sylvia and Jake from the bottom of the stairs when she went to rejoin her sister-in-law.
“And I think I’ll join you for a visit with Mamm,” Sylvia whispered before collecting her black jacket and waiting by the door, her eyes downcast as she waited for Lillian. Together, they walked across the field in silence, Sylvia’s mind whirling with too many thoughts and ideas and Lillian knowing that Sylvia needed time to think.
Tragedy, she thought. An amazing tragedy. But the Amish weren’t immune to tragedy. They looked at it with sorrow but knew that it was God’s will. Tragedy was met with forgiveness. If Jake couldn’t find forgiveness, he’d never find happiness. And she knew that part of the reason why he didn’t want to return to the Amish roots of his ancestors was because he couldn’t find that forgiveness. If only he would consider giving himself to God, she thought unhappily.
When Lillian and Sylvia arrived at her parents’ farm, Katie was clearly surprised to see her youngest daughter. They hadn’t seen much of Sylvia during the winter months. But, now Katie immediately saw that there was a problem. Sylvia looked tired and asked if she might lie down for a while. Katie glanced at Lillian, as if seeking an explanation, but her daughter-in-law only averted her eyes. The story was not hers to share. If Sylvia wanted to confide in her mother, she would do so when she was better rested.
So Sylvia climbed the stairs and went to her old bedroom. It felt wonderful gut to sink into her old bed. She wrapped the blanket around herself and, with her hand on her stomach, she sank into a much needed sleep that, thankfully, was not haunted by the images that Jake had shown her.
When she woke, she was surprised to see that the sky was dark. Without having a clock in the room, she had no idea what time it was. She sat up and looked outside the window by her bed. As she had predicted earlier, it was snowing. For a long time, she sat on the edge of the bed, her head in her hands as she tried to digest everything that she had learned.
She was upset about the excessive wealth and the details of his first wife’s death but not so much as she was upset by the fact that he had neglected to tell her these things. Instead, he had withdrawn into himself, shielding himself from emotion by pushing her away. But her biggest concern was that, perhaps, his commitment to the farm was a fleeting fancy, a whim to seek that peace and to forget the evils of the world. But that would all be in vain. She knew that he needed to find God and seek forgiveness in order to properly heal.
With a deep breath, she braced herself to go downstairs and face her family. She wasn’t certain if she wanted to confide in them, given her mother’s comments in the past about Jake. Since she wasn’t certain what she felt, how could she expect them to guide her? Plus, she didn’t know if it was best to shield them from the facts. Her own eyes were open to the Englischer world. Did she need to do that to them, too?
She entered the kitchen. Her mother looked up from the chair where she sat, the Bible open on her lap. Apparently Katie had taken advantage of the quiet to read the words of God. Her mother had always taken great comfort in reading Proverbs in times of great stress. Sylvia leaned against the doorway, smiling sadly at her mother. There was no use denying that her mother suspected that something wasn’t going well in her youngest daughter’s life. With a deep breath, Sylvia moved to the seat next to her mother. She didn’t speak for a few minutes, waiting for her mother to close and set aside the Bible.
“Well, daughter,” her mother began. “I suppose you came home for more than just an afternoon nap.”
Sylvia couldn’t look her mother in the eyes. “Ja,” she admitted. “I suppose.”
“You cannot run away from your problems,” her mother started slowly. “You made some choices and now you have to rely on God to lead you through whatever waters are troubling you.”
“Mamm, I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell me before about everything,” Sylvia said. “There are so many wonderful gut things about Jake. I don’t want you thinking poorly of him if I tell you that he’s truly lost and needs to find salvation but he won’t find it without God.”
With a simple nod of her head, Katie acknowledged that she understood what Sylvia was saying despite the limited amount of information that was being shared. “And if he doesn’t find salvation, daughter? What happens then?”
“I don’t think he’ll ever find the peace and forgiveness that he seeks for himself.”
Katie placed her hand on the Bible and sighed. No one who witnesses pain or suffering in their own children is immune from the same, especially a mother. “I’m not right certain what to say to guide you, Sylvia. No matter what happens, you have chosen Jake and you need to help him as best you can. These problems need to be resolved in your own home. Coming here for a respite only delays the resolution.”
Sylvia frowned. “I know that, Mamm.”
“In times of need, there is only one place to turn and that is the Almighty.”
Sylvia knew that, too. But, without the comfort of the church and People, she didn’t feel as if she had the ear of the Almighty. Had she taken the kneeling vow, she could have turned to the bishop or elders for guidance. The community would certainly have provided her with support and prayers. Without them, she felt afraid to reach to God. Perhaps He would turn a deaf ear to her needs just because she hadn’t taken the vow. But she knew that she had to try.
“Yes, Mamm.”
“Now, I’m suspecting you need to go home and make a supper for your husband, ja? I’ll ask Daed to take you. No use walking on the roads with the snow and all,” her mother said.
But her father wasn’t to be found. He wasn’t in the barn nor was he wandering in the fields. Instead, Katie found Daniel with the younger boys in the hayloft, getting ready for the evening feeding. She instructed Daniel to take Sylvia back to the farm. They were surprised to find that, despite not being on the farm, Jonas’ buggy was still parked in the horse shed. Twenty minutes later, Sylvia entered her house, her heart heavy. Jake’s truck was not parked in the driveway which was covered with a solid inch of snow. There were no traces of tire prints. She knew that the evening milking needed to be tended to so she hurried into the barn and got to work on the evening chores.
It was close to seven when he returned. She was sitting at the table, reading the Bible, when he arrived. He stood in the doorway, the cold drifting in and setting a chill to the air in the room. Shivering, she placed her bookmark in the Bible and shut the book before she lifted her eyes to meet his. Neither spoke but he stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. His footsteps were heavy as he crossed the room and sat next to her at the table. The clock on the wall ticked and the silence seemed the ring in her ears. She needed him to speak, to explain, anything to make this situation better.
“I’m going to need some time, Sylvia,” he finally said, his voice breaking the silence. “I need some time to sort this out.”
She wasn’t certain what he meant but she didn’t dare ask him. What exactly was he going to “sort out”, she wondered.
“I’ll get back to where I was, I promise
you that.” He hesitated. “But I just need a little bit of time. Can you give me that? Can you do that for me?”
Was he actually asking her for patience and time? Did he think that she would turn her back on him? She frowned and met his gaze. “Jake, I am your wife. I will do whatever you need me to do. You take whatever time that you need.” She ran her fingers over the leather cover of the Bible in front of her. “You once told me that you wanted to find the peace that you see in me. If that is truly what you want, then you might want to spend some time with this.” She pushed the book across the table toward him. “This peace that you seek can be found amongst these pages, Jake.”
He looked at the book and, for just a moment, reached out to leaf through the pages. But, he seemed discouraged and shut the book. “I’m not a good Bible reader,” he confessed.
She smiled at him and reached for the book, bringing it back so that it was before her. “Mayhaps we can read it together. Mayhaps that would be gut for your heart and your soul, ja?”
Jake didn’t respond right away. He stared at her, his eyes focused on her face as he rubbed his chin. He was thinking, she could see that. And, as she watched, she saw a light begin to shine in his expression. It started in his eyes but traveled down his face. And, when he took a deep breath and smiled back at her, she felt as if something had just happened. Whatever it was, she could sense that it was important to him.
“Mayhaps, dear Sylvia, that is just what we both need, ja?” he replied, the teasing tone in his voice reminding her of her Jake, the Jake that had left the farm back in November but had yet to truly return.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ever since the night of the revelation, the snow had come with an unusual fierceness. While beautiful on the fields, it was taxing on the nerves. Snow meant cold and ice, which made work around the farm more difficult. The days had been bookended by prolonged night skies that lingered well into the morning and arrived early in the afternoon. With snow covering the ground, Sylvia had spent most of her time indoors with the exception of helping Jake with the morning and evening milking. By nine in the morning, Sylvia would be finished with cleaning the kitchen from breakfast and working diligently on her house chores. She found herself baking more and more during the winter months. She felt the need to create food, smell the bread in the oven, and feel the warmth of the stove.
The winter had never been her favorite season, despite the beauty of the snow. However, this year was different. In years past, she had been able to go sleigh riding with her friends and brothers or ice skate on the pond behind the Smuckers’ farm. This winter, she was married and expecting her first baby within the next few months. There was no room for sleigh riding or ice-skating. In fact, despite the valiant efforts that Jake had been making, he was still overprotective of her taking the horse and cart or even walking to visit with her parents. Under the snow, there was indeed a layer of ice that made the roads more dangerous that she had seen in past years.
So, she was surprised to hear two buggies pull into the driveway. She hurried to the window to look outside, curious as to who would be visiting on such an overcast and snowy day. The buggies stopped by the barn, the horses shaking their heads and their breath steaming in the cold winter air. She was surprised to see Bishop Peachey, the minister who headed up her parents’ church district, emerge from one of the buggies. With his long white beard and deeply sunken eyes, he was a man who intimidated, even before he spoke.
But it was the other two people who emerged from the other buggy that surprised Sylvia even more: her father and Jake. She hadn’t seen Jake’s truck this morning and just presumed that he was gone to town. But now, he had returned with her father and the bishop. The combination of the three men startled her. It was an unlikely grouping.
Sylvia hurried back to the sink to wash the flour from her hands. She had been making bread when they had arrived. Quickly, she wiped down the counter and shook out the rag in the sink. It wouldn’t do anyone any good to see her kitchen in such disarray. By the time she had cleared some of the countertop, she heard them walking up the porch steps, stomping the snow from their feet and clapping their arms against their sides to fight the cold.
“Sylvia,” the bishop said, greeting her with a solemn nod when he walked into the room.
“Bishop! What a wunderbaar gut surprise!” As soon as she said it, she wondered if it was true. She looked questioningly at her father and Jake. But their expressions remained stern and serious. What on earth, Sylvia wondered, could have made Bishop Peachey travel to her and Jake’s farm in such weather? She hoped that nothing serious had happened, that they were not coming to her with bad news. For a moment, she panicked about her mother. Could something terrible have happened at her father’s farm? Why were they here and looking so serious?
The bishop didn’t waste any time. Taking off his hat, he held it in his hand. “Sylvia, your father came to me on behalf of your husband.”
His words surprised her. Her husband? Why would Jake want to speak with the bishop? And, perhaps even more important, why would Jake enlist the help of her father? For what? She frowned as she digested the words.
“Your husband has come to me, seeking salvation for both himself and for you.”
Salvation? She was confused. Jake had certainly started to seem more relaxed in the past few days but to seek out the bishop, asking for salvation? Whatever did he mean, she wondered. “For sure and certain, I don’t understand.”
The bishop gestured toward Jake. “Your husband has come to me, seeking permission and the blessing of the church district to study for his kneeling vow. As you are certainly aware, it is not often that Englischers’ feel moved by the spirit of Gott to seek baptism into our faith and agree to the commitment of our ways.” The bishop paused as if giving homage to the seriousness of the decision. “Jake will need to go through a Proving and learn many things, Sylvia. He will need the help of everyone in the community. But, you must know that none of this can happen without your blessing and your consent to follow your husband to the ways of the People.”
The words that came forth from the bishop’s mouth caught Sylvia off-guard. She had to repeat them to herself, her mind unable to comprehend what the bishop was saying. Jake wanted to take the kneeling vow?
Sylvia looked at Jake, surprise on her face. “Jake? Is this true?”
He nodded once but did not speak.
Sylvia looked at her father who stood silently besides Jake. His silence was out of respect for this momentous decision that both Jake and Sylvia would have to make. However, she could see the glow in her father’s eyes. Now she understood. For the past few weeks, Jake had been spending a lot of time away from the farm during the day. He must have been spending time with Jonas, seeking advice and guidance on this very important matter. “I would like nothing more than to take my kneeling vow alongside my husband,” she said carefully to the Bishop. “But only if this is his true wish, to follow the way of the People and the Lord.”
The bishop cleared his throat, pleased with Sylvia’s response. Her obedience to her husband was commendable. “There will be a lot of work ahead of both of you. Jonas has agreed to instruct Jake on the Dordrecht Confession of Faith and the Ordnung. I’m certain that you, too, will help to guide your husband. The formal instructional will be conducted during the summer months and, upon acceptance from the congregation, you will attend the autumn baptism.” At this point, the bishop turned his attention to Jake, leveling his eye at him. “During this time, son, you will be expected to behave as though you are already part of the community. Verschteh?“
Jake took a deep breath and, once again, nodded but remained silent.
The bishop seemed satisfied. “I find this a very important day for you both, Jake and Sylvia. He that seeks the Lord will truly be rewarded. I’m quite pleased with your decisions and support your commitment. I hope that you both prove worthy of the redemption that you seek.” With that, the bishop turned to Jonas, asking him in Germa
n if he wanted a ride in his buggy to return to his farm. Jonas followed the bishop out of the house, leaving an amazed Sylvia staring at his back. She waited until she saw them leaving in the one buggy before she turned her attention back to Jake.
“Jake?”
He stood before her, looking lighter and happier than he had in weeks. No, she corrected herself, months! He walked across the floor to stand before her and reached his hand out for hers. When she gave it to him, he squeezed it gently. “I thought about what you said and realized that you are right,” he said. “I can’t straddle the fence any longer.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“This was a decision that I had to make on my own, Sylvia,” he explained. “I came here seeking peace. Instead, I found you. We have a life together and will spend many happy years on this farm, I know that. But I still want that peace. If that means releasing the past and following in the footsteps of my ancestors, I’m good with that.”
“It’s not just about the lifestyle, Jake,” she reminded him. “It’s also about the faith and beliefs.”