He heard shouts in the distance, but the shattering sound of Mara’s moan obliterated all else.
“Mara, I’m coming. Where are you? Talk to me.” He slithered through broken sticks and briars, seeking the source of the sound.
“The baby,” he heard her whisper. “I’m losing my baby, TJ.” Her voice was thick with tears and panic.
Sickened, he crawled in the direction of her pale face outlined against a backdrop of half-buried palmettos. “I’m here, Mara. Just hold on.”
“I’m bleeding, TJ,” she whispered.
“It’s okay. Everything will be okay. Just hold on. I’ll get you out of here.” He didn’t know what he was saying. His mouth was moving faster than his brain. He simply had the overwhelming urge to paint the world bright for the woman he loved, the woman who had suffered far too much to suffer more.
“I love you, TJ,” she murmured as he lifted her in his arms. “Take care of my baby.” Trusting in him, she lost consciousness.
Chapter Thirty-one
“Pacing the floor won’t help,” Clay advised, grimacing at the coffee he sipped from the paper cup.
“Standing still won’t either.” TJ crossed to the window overlooking the hospital parking lot. The wild ride back to town in the limo had told him the baby needed more help than he could provide. The town ambulance had taken Mara straight to Charleston. They hadn’t let him ride with her. He’d flown here with Clay, vivid images of Mara doubled up in agony branding every nerve and synapse.
The knifelike anguish successfully dried his tears. He would never forgive himself if he lost Mara now, just when her life was really beginning—just as he was coming to understand what it meant to love someone.
As if reading his mind, Clay spoke quietly. “It’s not your fault, TJ. You couldn’t know the dune would collapse.”
“I could have at least considered it.” He didn’t want to be relieved of the guilt. He needed to hurt as much as he’d hurt Mara. More. He deserved whatever punishment God wreaked on him for taking her life in his hands, risking it for a man who probably didn’t deserve it.
“I gave the police the colonel’s phone number so they could notify his family. Should I call and warn them?” Clay voiced his concern in the only manner the McClouds understood, in practicalities.
TJ shrugged. Who was he to give out advice on family matters? “Do what feels best. I’ll talk to them later. I’m not leaving here until I see Mara.”
For the first time in years, Clay’s cynicism slipped, and sympathy reached his voice. “She’ll be okay, TJ. Mara’s a fighter.”
TJ clenched his teeth and nodded curtly. The prickles behind his eyelids were harder to combat now. Clay didn’t know what was at stake here.
Mara had begged him to take care of her baby. She wanted to keep it.
So did he. If only they could save the baby, they’d be fine. They could work things out. He wouldn’t let anything bad happen to Mara and his child. He knew people. Modern medicine worked miracles.
Relief spilled through him when a nurse finally appeared in the doorway. “Mr. McCloud? Miss Simon is asking for you.”
TJ left his brother to his own pursuits. The entire movie crew would turn up shortly. He needed to see Mara first. Clinging to desperate hope, he didn’t dare question the nurse. His whole life lodged in his throat as he walked the interminable hospital corridor.
Mara seemed to be sleeping, covered by white hospital sheets, wearing one of those abominable green hospital gowns, her curls spilling across a nearly flat pillow. He needed to bring one of her fluffy pillows here, and a bright red teddy bear. He wished the gift shop had been open. He remembered clearly the night she’d cooed over that ridiculous bear in a toy store window. He’d bought it to give it to her for her seventeenth birthday—and then Brad had died.
So many things he hadn’t done, and now it was too late. TJ sat down on the bed’s edge and lifted the pale hand lying on the covers. Mara’s eyes opened instantly, green and bright with tears.
“I lost the baby, TJ.” A fat tear slid from her eye and down her temple. “Our beautiful baby. I’m so sorry, TJ.” A sob racked her throat, halting her words.
Pain sliced his heart in two, and the tears he’d been holding back slid down TJ’s cheeks. He didn’t even know if he’d lost a boy he could have played baseball with or a little girl to tease him as her mother did. There hadn’t even been time to realize how much he wanted that.
He grappled for words, a task more difficult than fighting the colonel for their lives. “I’m sorry, Mara.”
“How could I even think I didn’t want her?” she whispered. “Everything I’ve ever wanted has turned out wrong. I was terrified I couldn’t do the mother thing right. But how could I even dream of giving up our little girl?”
TJ cracked. Tears pouring down his face, he tugged her into his arms and wept against her neck. Knowing she needed him to be strong, he fought for control, but the only words he could find were hopeless. “It’s my fault. I should have gotten you away from there—”
She shook her head against his shoulder. “You can’t shoulder the blame for the world, TJ.” She hiccuped on a sob. “The doctor said that losing it this easily meant I would probably have lost her anyway, that something wasn’t quite right. It’s not your fault.”
He held her tighter, and took a deep breath to fight back tears. They’d lost a little girl, maybe one with Mara’s laughter and loving eyes. Placing blame didn’t ease the agony of loss. He still couldn’t find the right words to comfort her. Her tears were soaking his shirt. He could only hold her in his arms and rock her.
“Did you save your friend? Is he all right?” she whispered through her tears, wrapping her arms around him as if to offer him the comfort he wanted to give her.
“My friend,” TJ replied in a hollow voice. “I’m lousy at picking friends. Yeah, he’s got a couple of cracked fingers, but he’ll live. Don’t waste time worrying about him. He could have cost me you. He cost us a child.”
“Tim, don’t do this to yourself,” she murmured, fading away on whatever drugs they’d given her. “This is just the way it was meant to be. It’s not our call.”
He didn’t have enough faith to believe that. He’d turned into the Incredible Hulk, acted on fury and not logic, and lost what he’d wanted most in this world. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how much pain the loss of their child caused him, but the words swelled and stuck on his tongue as her eyes closed.
She was alive, no thanks to him. He shouldn’t ask for more.
Gently, he laid Mara against her pillow and watched over her until she breathed evenly in slumber.
***
Mara woke to the light of a streetlamp on her pillow and the clatter of dishes in the hospital corridor. No clock gave her the time, but the window was dark. What on earth did these people do at this hour to make such a racket?
Then the meaning of last night flooded back, and she sought frantically for TJ to tell her she’d only dreamed the last hours.
In the darkness, she sensed the room’s emptiness. Alone. Again. She’d been given the chance to bring life and hope into the future, and she’d wished it away.
Tears slipped from beneath her eyelids. As if waiting for that signal, a sob caught in her chest, and a wail of anguish emerged. Weeping, Mara buried her face in the pillow to hide her pain as she’d learned to do long ago.
She didn’t know how long she cried before the familiar scent of her favorite pillow seeped through her misery. Seeking anything to distract her, Mara blinked away tears and searched the darkness.
Cuddling the fluffy pillow, she groped for the bedside light, pushing it on just as a nurse’s aid cheerfully burst into the room.
“Good morning!” the woman called, pushing back the ugly curtains to reveal fuzzy halos of light over a parking lot. “Are you up to washing on your own or would you like some help?”
The light illuminated a castle of familiar items stacked around th
e bed. Awed by the attention to detail, Mara could only stare instead of answering. Someone had neatly arranged all her beloved family photos on the nightstand. A selection of her favorite books rested within reach on the bedside table. A multicolored array of roses and baby’s breath filled the top of the dresser—someone must have woken up a florist in the middle of the night for those.
And beside the roses sat a bright red-and-blue patchwork teddy bear with an impish, lopsided grin. Adorable blue button eyes gleamed back at her, and she bit her finger rather than cry again.
She wasn’t alone.
She couldn’t stop the tears, but these were healing tears. TJ had done this.
No one else in her life had ever cared enough to give her what she needed. Other people only cared about what she could do for them. They told her she was being foolish when she wanted teddy bears or bright red lipstick.
TJ might not grasp verbal communication well, but he understood.
For the first time in years, she trusted someone enough to trust her own instincts. TJ loved her. She’d lost his baby, and he still loved her. That kind of unswerving devotion seemed a miracle to her.
“I’ll wash,” she murmured. “Would you hand me the bear?”
The nurse smiled and moved the stuffed creature. “This one looks as if it were made with love. That’s hand stitching on there.”
Mara clasped it in her arms and rested her cheek on its round head—not a baby, but a promise. She could bear the loss if she had someone to help her through it. Maybe asking for help wasn’t such a bad thing, after all. Maybe they could help each other.
“Patty Bear,” she declared firmly, “my friend.”
Something torn and ragged inside her soul began to mend. She hadn’t lost herself this time. She might even have found what had been lost long ago. It had been so very long since love had touched her...
***
With car packed and nowhere to go, TJ stopped at the hospital on his way to the airport. He’d called the hospital several times this morning, but Mara’s line was always busy. He’d checked with the nurse’s station to be sure she was all right, then finished clearing out his office and gathering his scattered belongings.
Reporters hounded his every step. He had no desire to tell them what had happened. Dodging them seemed the easier alternative. His security guards blocked the press from the B&B while he picked up his duffel bag. He’d slipped out the back way and locked himself in his office before they discovered he’d escaped. Then he’d pried open the back alley door to get to his car after he’d seen Roger Curtis parking his carcass at the front.
TJ had all his notes on the dig site, but he’d have to write an inconclusive report.
He didn’t give a damn about his report.
Walking out of the hospital elevator onto Mara’s floor, TJ heard the laughter and loud voices before he entered the corridor. At the sight of Glynis Everett and Ian chuckling over something outside Mara’s door, and a host of crew members laughing around them, TJ halted. He could hear Constantina chattering excitedly in Italian from the room, and more voices attempted to override her.
Mara didn’t need his company.
Feeling let down, TJ turned in the direction of the waiting room. The nurse had said they would release her today. They had no reason to keep her. It wasn’t as if doctors could do anything to replace the baby.
He should be happy she was taking this so well. After her pleas last night, he’d feared she would suffer another episode of depression, but she seemed to be coming through this with flying colors. He was the one wandering homeless and empty.
“Timid Tim, there you are!”
TJ rolled his eyes and didn’t bother looking to see who’d just stepped off the elevator. He could hear the concern behind Jared’s insult.
“You’re being mean, Superman. Shut up.” Cleo.
TJ almost smiled at the image of Cleo coming to his defense, sort of like a bantam rooster protecting a hawk.
“How’s Mara?” she demanded, confronting him with hands on hips and no preliminaries.
“Having a party.” TJ gestured in the direction of the noise. “I thought you were planning on staying in Miami longer.”
“Clay called last night. We figured if you didn’t need us, the beach might. You did quite a job on it, Timothy Jerk.” Jared slammed him on the back and sneaked in a squeeze of sympathy.
The beach. TJ hadn’t given it a second thought. He’d simply checked the cottage after he’d returned from his second trip to Charleston, verified he’d left everything where it belonged, and crept out before dawn. He’d given up sleeping for the duration. Too many nightmares. “They were going to bulldoze the dune anyway,” he replied with a shrug.
Cleo watched him with curiosity before the noise down the hall distracted her. “Looks like we’re not needed here. Let’s go home and let Mara have her rest.”
Her dry tone didn’t escape TJ’s notice, but he didn’t call her on it. No one knew about the baby, unless Mara told them. Cleo’s and Jared’s baby would have had a cousin almost the same age...
He wouldn’t go there. “I was headed for the airport. Reporters are still crawling all over the place, and I’m not inclined to give them what they want. What did you do with the kids?”
“Left them with Cleo’s sister for a few days.” Jared draped his arm around his wife’s shoulders. “We thought a second honeymoon was called for before Junior becomes a problem.”
Cleo attempted to poke him in the ribs with her elbow, but Jared dodged the jab.
“They had to call off the bulldozer,” she said. “Water is filling the hole at high tide, and they’ve declared it unsafe. It’s your chance to see if you missed anything... ” Her voice trailed off, her questioning gaze inquiring about his intentions.
TJ glanced down the hall at the crowd of movie stars, then back to Jared and Cleo looking like the happiest couple in the world. He preferred to run and hide, to take the next plane to parts unknown, to drive people away before they did something inexplicably hurtful, or he hurt them. Those were his usual tactics. They’d served him well in the past.
Maybe not this time.
He doubted he could hurt himself or Mara much worse. Why not go for broke and stay to see what developed? He could handle newspaper reporters. The worst that could happen would be Mara going back to her job and ignoring him, or calling him a jerk and breaking his nose. That might even make him feel better.
“All right, let’s see what the tide’s washed in.” Turning on his heel, TJ stalked toward the elevator.
***
“You are covered in bruises.” Constantina clucked and fluttered around the bedroom at the B&B, putting things away. “You should be in bed, resting.”
Mara hugged Patty Bear and shrugged. “Bruises don’t hurt any worse standing up.” The hollowness inside her did, but she wasn’t revealing a memory that belonged to her and TJ alone.
She’d hoped TJ would come to see her, or be here waiting when she arrived, but given the crowds hovering solicitously, she couldn’t blame him for disappearing. As much as she’d worked to gain this kind of attention, she’d learned it didn’t provide the fulfillment she sought. Hordes of people did not equate hordes of friends.
Patty Bear told her she was loved.
It was just a stupid bear. She shouldn’t place that much hope on it, but she let optimism rule. Even if he didn’t realize it, TJ loved her. All the glamour in the world couldn’t replace the satisfaction of that insight. Instead of distrusting her feelings as she had the last time he’d turned his back and walked away, this time she had to act on them.
She just wished she knew how. Looks had been her fallback position for years, but TJ knew her too well for disguises to work. Beauty might be power in some circles, but power would never make her happy. She needed love for that. She needed TJ.
She couldn’t ask Irving or Sid or Aunt Miriam or any of the consultants and staff she had at her beck and call to intervene and b
ring TJ to her. This was her life, her decision, and for once, she must be brave and do it all on her own.
The idea of relying solely on herself for something so important as pinning down TJ terrified her. She’d prefer to have a consensus of opinion that she was doing the right thing. But she was learning everyone had their own agenda, and those agendas weren’t always what was best for her.
She’d married Irving because her family advised it. She’d married Sid because all her so-called friends had told her it was a good idea—so she could help them get jobs. Only she could judge what she really needed, and it was high time she had confidence enough to put herself first.
TJ trusted her judgment. He hadn’t told her she was better off marrying him. He hadn’t ordered her to give up her career or to keep the baby. He hadn’t even blamed her for staying when she should have fled—at the cost of their child.
Maybe he didn’t trust her judgment so much anymore, but she had to find out.
“Tell Jim to bring the car around.” Mara instructed Constantina.
Hugging Patty Bear for reassurance, Mara inched gingerly down the stairs. She ached in places she didn’t know she could ache. She wasn’t at all certain she was doing the right thing. What if TJ had acted on guilt and not real love? Was she fantasizing again?
The bugaboo of insecurity would never leave her, but if she thought too hard, she’d never act, never accomplish anything at all. Better to be a fool who tried rather than one who didn’t. Had she gone to TJ after Brad’s funeral, her entire life might have been different. And his.
“To the island, Jim,” she ordered, easing onto the back seat as her driver held the door. She waited until he’d taken his seat before adding, “And thank you for every thing you did the other night. It was above and beyond the call of duty to take Colonel Martin to the hospital and watch over him until the police arrived.”
“The man had his fingers broke. Had to take him to the hospital,” Jim scoffed. “It was Dr. McCloud who got you into town. I thought this old car would go airborne the way he drove it. Nearly ran over his brother.”
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