If I had that smell I wouldn’t be up by myself or obsessing with terror about my ability to care for Immie or the fact that I feel gross and totally inept most of the time.
If I had the smell I wouldn’t be alone and right now that is something I want more than my next breath.
“Us, I-”
“There is no us Devon.” I say tonelessly, sitting up to meet his eyes with what I hope is a clear, trouble free expression.
I see him blanch and resist the urge to take it back and offer him…I don’t know what but I want to ease the tension I see bracketing his lips and smooth the guilt from his eyes.
“I didn’t sleep with her imp. I swear. I kicked her out as soon as I heard you leave and I…”
“It doesn’t matter. I had no right to do or say anything at that stage. You made that very clear. I tried to force something on you that you told me you didn’t want. You made sure I understood that and you helped me see that I was making an ass of myself. End of story. I should actually just say thank you.”
“Imp.”
“Er, look, I think I should go. Day was right it is a little too windy for Immie to be here. Tell him I’m sorry for cutting out early and that I’ll call him later.”
I pick up the chair holding my daughter and wait for him to kiss her goodbye before bolting back to my car and making my way home.
When I get there I lay Immie down in her cot and flop down on the sofa, my heart and body a mess of contradictory emotions.
Does it matter that he didn’t sleep with the blonde bimbo who’d made me feel like an unattractive wildebeest? Yeah, it so totally does. It matters so much that I feel a weight I hadn’t known was still there ease off my tired shoulders.
The problem with that is that it shouldn’t. We’re done. Finished. I shouldn’t feel like smiling and doing a jig in celebration, something I’d been perilously close to doing before my reasoning had kicked in and I’d made a hasty escape.
Dammit. I am way too happy that all he’d had left over from that night was a face full of lipstick and a hard on, and that does not bode well for me.
Chapter Thirty Five
Dev
“Well, that went well. Not.”
I flip Davy off and start the car after he hops in, his eyes trained on me as I put the car into gear and pull away slowly.
“Shut it lad.”
It’s all I have the heart to say as we make our way back home to a house that no longer feels like a home. I’d spent so long taking imp’s light in my life for granted and trying to push her away that I hadn’t realized how empty it would be when I finally accomplished my goal.
Christ, I can still remember the agony in her eyes that night and the way her lip had trembled before she’d bitten into it to stop the movement. She’d been so hurt and defeated that I’d almost thrown that blonde tramp out the door and fallen to my knees to beg her not to cry.
But the anger, that ever present sickness that had taken hold of me and refused to let go had still been too great for y common sense to override, so I’d done the unforgivable and let that bitch insult my woman before taking her skinny arse up to my room and closing the door.
That had been cruel and calculated, letting my baby think that I would ever soil her bed with another woman’s cheap perfume and sallow skin. She’d left straight after of course and I’d watched from the window as she’s shoved herself into her car and left, my security team following from a safe distance as she ran away to lick the wounds I’d purposefully inflicted.
I’d tossed the vapid woman I’d picked up in a bar out on her arse-after calling a taxi of course, I am not an animal-and then I’d basked in my victory.
For all of two seconds.
After a quick shower to scrub the disgust from my skin I’d padded downstairs and walked into hell. Pure hell. My very pregnant, fragile imp had obviously gone to a lot of trouble cooking traditional fish and chips-something I’d complained about missing-and a homemade tiramisu that had most likely taken her hours to make from scratch.
And then I’d seen the envelope sitting beside one of the plates and I’d lost my smarmy smirk. Fast. I still have that bloody heart wrenching letter though I’ve read it so many times I can recite it off by heart. All three gut wrenching pages.
In those three sheets of velum I’d learned everything I could ever hope to know about my girl. She loves me, really, really loves me. She wants not only a family, but she loves my brothers with an all-consuming pride that I will never find in another.
And then I’d learned that while she takes full blame for every shitty thing she did, she had done it all because deep down it’s not that she doesn’t trust me, it’s that she doesn’t feel good enough to hold the attention of a man like me.
She’d begged me to give her another chance and sworn to do better. She’d asked for just a little faith and promised me the love and devotion she knew I deserved.
I’d read that letter and felt my world shatter and fall at my feet because I knew that any chance I’d had at happiness was now well and truly gone. I’d shot myself in the foot and added some vinegar in the form of the type of woman I knew made my perfect girl feel insecure and unattractive.
I’d tried calling for a solid week and even roped her father into helping me-after a very long talk and a black eye from Grey and Logan-and I’d shown up at the house three times before finally giving up after I’d watched my imp trying to sneak to through a side gate.
Now I’m not one to give up and I’m arrogant enough to say that I’m made of sterner stuff than a fragile woman like my imp, but after watching her become so desperate to escape me that she’d willingly squeeze her massive tummy through a gate, while crawling behind a car I’d retreated and regrouped.
Only nothing I do is working.
She’d even barred me from the delivery room and made me stand outside her door while her screams of pain and grunts ripped me to shreds.
That had hurt, a lot but it was nothing I didn’t deserve and I bloody well know it. I’d seen the end result though and to say that the sight of my daughter only made me love imp more…
“Could you please stop watching that video?” Davy asks after a long silence, bringing me back to the present. “I know you’re torturing yourself with all the gory splendour that was your daughter’s birth but I can’t sleep at night after hearing that shite in surround sound. It gives me the bleeding willies.”
I grin and shake my head because I know that tonight just like every other night since she’d been born I will watch that video if only to see my girl in all her bloody glory as she screamed, yelled, cursed and threatened all and sundry with bodily harm as she pushed Immie into the world.
Never again will I take for granted the gift that is a woman bearing a child for a man. It’s bloody hard and excruciating and so beautiful that no matter how sick it is, I can’t stop from wanting to see that miracle.
Plus it’s the only way I get to see my girl at night so I’ll take what I can get and be happy for it.
“Put your headphones on and leave me alone wanker. It’s beautiful.”
“Ah no, it ain’t and you know it. Look, just go over to hun’s and lay it all out for her. Tell her you are a bleeding sorry excuse for a man and that you’re sorry for everything. Tell her you love her. Tell her something because I am about a second away from losing my shit and forcing you two stubborn gits to grow up and let it go.”
“I tried at your practice. She wouldn’t listen. I’m afraid if I push t she’ll stop coming around us altogether and I-”
“Look, let’s be real here. The girl shamed herself trying to make it up to you and you fucked it up beyond repair. The only thing you’ve got going for your miserable arse now is your kid so I say use the fact that hun won’t keep Immie away from you to your advantage.”
Naturally I’ve considered using my fatherly rights as an excuse to force imp into closer proximity-I told you I am too ruthless to let an opportunity pass me by-but I’d been holding off be
cause even I’m smart enough to see how mercenary that approach is.
But if Day’s suggesting it…
“You think she’ll give me another chance?”
“Dude. She’s coming up on her six weeks check-up, her hormones, according to that book I read, are still all over the place and she’s too tired to put up much resistance. At the very least you can use your tiny wanger to seduce her. Use what you’ve got and don’t stop till you’ve crumbled her resistance. Really, don’t stop because if you don’t bring hun back soon Ryan will kill you in your sleep and I really don’t have the time to provide a false alibi. I just met a bird I think might be more than a quick fuck and duck.”
The thought of Davy reading one of those books and looking for information about what happens to a woman’s body after giving birth and all that makes me crack up so much I’m grateful that we’re pulling into the driveway and that I don’t have to drive while roaring with laughter.
“You read about all that?” I gasp, laughing harder when he grimaces and shudders.
“Yeah man. I feel so sorry for women. All that pain and then bleeding half to death afterward while they’re expected to care for a baby…not cool. I almost offered to stay over just so poor hun could get some sleep and so that I could make sure she didn’t bleed to death.”
“What changed your mind?” I ask, laughing because I already know the answer.
“You smell what comes out of Immie? Bleeding unsavoury. Plus, I’m really tired lately and I doubt a train could wake me when I crash.”
“You do look a little worse for wear.” I murmur looking closer and noting the deep lines of fatigue bracketing his eyes.
This is so not like him and I make up my mind to call the doctor and make an appointment today. Just because I have Immie now and the lads are grown does not mean I’m any less focused on them. They will always be my lads.
“Come on then son, let’s go feed you.”
“Hey Dev, do you think hun will forgive me and Ry for taking your side?” he asks suddenly, making me pause halfway out of the car. “I mean we’ll always have your back but I think we made her feel alone by making it so…lonely for her.”
“I don’t think you even need to ask Davy, the woman is practically in love with you buggers.” I joke hoping to make him smile.
“Yeah.” He breathes and I see his lips curve tiredly. “She’s something huh.”
“She’s my everything.”
Chapter Thirty Six
“It’s best that we get him into the operating room as soon as possible Mr Baxter. We can go in and repair the Mitral valve and he should be just fine. We caught this early thanks to your insistence that he get a thorough exam so there isn’t any visible weakening in the heart’s walls, but this is serious. You should urge any other family to get tests as well as we find that these cases are sometimes congenital.”
I nod my head and shake the man’s hand as if I’ve heard anything of what he’s said. All I’m focused on now is making sure my lad gets the surgery he needs and that the rest of my family get checked out thoroughly.
The news has thrown me and as I leave the doctor in the corridor and make my way to Davy’s room all I can think is that I’ve failed somewhere. I should have known this from the start and gotten it seen to.
I should have paid more attention to David and Ryan and I bloody well should have listened to imp when she’d asked me to check on the lad when he spent all weekend knocked out in bed.
I’d assumed that football and his partying ways had been to blame and written it off as the usual teenage dross that comes along with raising a pair of rowdy lads.
And now this.
I’m dragging by the time I reach his floor and dreading going in there and telling him that his football career may be over before it’s even begun when a soft hand thwacks me on the back of the head.
“You idiot! How could you not call me for this?”
Turning with a groan and a flinch as I look down to see my little ray of violent sunshine glaring up at me, her face so stormy her eyes are a dark brown instead of the glowing amber it always is.
“Imp, listen-”
“He’s sick and you don’t even call! Seriously Devon, you must be the most thick-headed asshole I’ve ever met.”
She’s in a full rage and lifting her hand to hit me again when I notice the carrier in her left hand. Coward that I am I dive for the thing and hold it against my chest, cooing at Immie and her round eyes.
“Tell mummy to stop hitting daddy Im.”
“Stop using my baby to save your ass, asshole.” She snarls, attempting to snatch the carrier back.
“Now, now imp, is that anyway to speak to me in the presence of our impressionable princess?”
I blow a kiss at the beauty and freeze when she winks up at me as if she understands a word I’ve said and finds me funny. Little genius. Must take after her mum.
“All she understands is boob and bath time, the little hellion. And stop changing the subject. Why didn’t you call me Devon? Day is mine too you know.” She says seriously and I see the worry she’s trying so valiantly to hide.
I don’t like that look on her which is why I’d waited for the results before calling her.
“Firstly, please don’t talk about your boobs when I don’t stand a chance of getting near those milky beauties; it’s cruel and unusual punishment to tease me when I’m holding the baby and we’re in a public place.”
I almost chuckle when her mouth opens and closes on a silent gasp before she blushes and clamps her lips shut.
“Second I was about to call you and ask you to come over so we can talk to Davy together. You’re his family too imp, I would never not include you in something like this.”
“Oh God. What did they say?” she asks, her hands shaking as I lead her to a chair in the waiting room and lower her to it before sitting beside her with Immie on the floor between us.
“He needs surgery to repair a valve in his heart. We caught it before it could do any damage but it needs fixing and he won’t be recovered enough to play for the scouts.”
“Oh God. He’s so talented at sports, I hope this won’t ruin everything.” She whispers, running a hand through her hair.
When she leans her head back and stares at the ceiling I take a minute to peruse her. She’s wearing two different sneakers-one black with pink stripes, the other black with blue running down the sides-her shirt is buttoned unevenly and her hair looks like it needs a good brush before being soaked in shampoo.
She’s bloody lovely and I want to grin at the thought of Devon Baxter, playboy and womanizer finding this dishevelled, somewhat sour smelling woman totally irresistible.
“You look lovely imp. Even though you’re wearing two different shoes, need to wash your hair and smell a bit like throw up. Now stop fussing and come on. The lads are dying to see you and stinker here and I need you to hold my hand while we tell Davy.”
I’m pushing my luck when I take her hand and pull her up and into my side and I know it. But as I lean down to pick up our girl imp looks at me and smiles, her hand squeezing mine and I feel that maybe there is still hope left for me after all.
***
Becky
It’s a week after Day got his chest split open and some quack had his grimy paws in my boy and I feel better than I have in a while. He’d come through the surgery with flying colours and joked that his chest scar would get him a lot of ass.
On the subject of his now aborted football career the kid had been prosaic saying that if he couldn’t play his beloved rugby, he was really okay without a sport that makes no sense.
Don’t yell at me, he said it.
So yeah, I’m really relieved that everything turned out okay and that after all the testing that the family had endured everyone had come through with clean bills of health, Immie included.
Now I’m puttering around Devon’s house making lunch for the three pigs while Day lies on the sofa ringing a little bell I
regret giving him.
“Ring that thing again and you’ll need surgery to remove it from your ass!” I yell from the kitchen, giggling when the ringing stops and Devon walks in holding the bell aloft as he smiles from ear to ear.
“Who was it that gave him the bloody thing?”
“Oh shut up you ass. How was I supposed to know he’d be such a ninny about it all? I swear, he rang the bell and when I ran in he asked me to scratch his foot!”
That gets another chuckle and I go back to putting together roast beef sandwiches and a side of pickles when I feel arms surround me from behind, boxing me in and keeping me pinned against the counter.
“Hhmm, you smell so good imp.” He murmurs close to my ear and I shiver when his breath tickles me and his lips graze the sensitive skin of my throat.
“Devon.”
I gasp his name and just resist the urge to cant my neck for a deeper touch. Living with them for the last week has been a dream that I’d cautioned myself not to get too used to.
As soon as Day is back to normal and running around I’ll return home and resume the never ending cycle of feedings, poop and spit up so letting myself get too comfortable is a danger that I’ve been avoiding at all costs.
But that doesn’t mean I haven’t taken the time to check Devon out and pine for something I want. Sex. A lot of sex. Any way he’ll give it to me and in every position I can get.
So sue me. I’m over the long bleed to freedom and my vagina has re-awoken from its trauma ready to get back to work and give me the orgasms I haven’t had in months.
Unfortunately the bitch only has one guy in mind so every time I get within scenting distance of him it goes on red alert and starts yelling at me.
Insistently.
“Devon. Stop.”
“Why?” he purrs against my throat, slipping his tongue out to lick at my pulse point. “I want you so much imp.”
To prove his point he grasps my hips and pulls me back, grinding himself into my ass in a rhythm that makes my clit ache with unfulfilled longing. When I don’t immediately protest he slips a hand down my front and cups my sex possessively, his fingers rubbing slowly over my swollen nub.
ROMAN (Lane Brothers Book 5) Page 86