Him saying it doesn’t make it real. Not until he confirms what it means.
“Your girl?”
He dips his chin.
“Am I your girl? Your only girl. For good?” My voice cracks as I force out those words.
“You carrying my baby?”
“Yes,” I mumble.
“You just take my cock down your throat?”
“Yes.” This time it comes out with more conviction.
“Sleep next to me all night long, giving me the best sleep I’ve had in years?”
“Uh, yeah.” I’m not sure where he’s going with this.
“Then I think you should get that you are my girl and I am your man. We are having a baby together and starting a family. You, me, our baby. We on the same page?”
I swallow and nod my head.
Silas dips his head down only a couple inches from mine. “We on the same page? You, me, our baby?”
“Yeah, Silas.”
“Okay. Dinner tonight?”
“Sounds great.”
“I’m gonna hit the shower now and get to work. As your mother confirmed, we’re both late in starting our day.” He kisses me slowly and sweetly before pulling away and eating up the distance with his masterful thighs and masculine physique. When he gets to the door of the bathroom, the only room in the house with walls, he stops, fingers gripping the doorjamb. “Worth it. You. This. Us. I’m all in, baby. All. Fucking. In.”
I love you, I whisper in my mind when he winks and enters the bathroom. As much progress as we’ve made, I do not think my man is ready to hear that. If he ever will be.
My man.
Silas McKnight is my man, and I am his woman.
Inside, I girly scream…
Yippee!
* * *
After Silas left and I came down to the bakery, I received a cold shoulder from my mother and a ball of grins from Ricky.
“So, someone’s baby daddy spent the night?” Ricky shimmies across the floor, a bag of frosting in his hand.
“Shut it! Why didn’t you come up and knock instead of sending my mother up?” I growl, not even a little bit of humor in my question.
He snorts. “Because I saw baby daddy’s car in front of the bakery when I arrived at the crack of freakin’ dawn, and the hood was cold. Meaning he stayed the night.”
I couldn’t stop my mouth from falling open in shock. “You knew he was upstairs with me, and yet you didn’t think to call my cell, come up, and knock? Instead, you sent my mother? What in the hell were you thinking? Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to be lying naked on top of your man when your mother comes barreling in, thinking you’re sick or something!”
Ricky’s mouth drops open this time, and then he falls all over himself laughing. He laughs so hard he starts to wheeze and has to lean against the bakery table to hold himself up. “Even better!” he screeches like a hyena.
“You planned that scene up there?” I point to the stairs leading to my apartment.
“Not at all, but I did think it would be awesomely funny for Mama Jackson to find your baby daddy with you. I thought she’d be excited.” He nudges my shoulder. “Which she is. Came down those stairs smiling like a loon, happy as a clam, ready to serve customers. I’d have sworn you told her you were naming your baby Vanessa if it was a girl.”
The name hit my heart. Vanessa for a girl. Secretly, I wanted a boy, and there was only one reason for that. I didn’t want Silas thinking about the daughter he lost when we were having our child. Though being able to give my mama a namesake gift like that bulldozes me like a ton of emotional bricks. I’d love to give my child the name Vanessa like she and my dad gave me the last name of Jackson.
I shake my head, dispelling the thoughts and focus back on my soon-to-be ex-best friend. “You have no idea how much that sucked up there.”
Ricardo comes over to me and wraps his arms around my chest. “I’m sorry, baby girl. I honestly didn’t mean anything by it. I got so excited when I saw the car outside, I lost my mind a little. I should have been protecting you and the budding relationship, but I figured since he spent the night, things had definitely progressed. So…did they?” He doesn’t beat around the bush at all, wanting to know the details, even though I’m mad at him.
He also knows I can never stay mad at him. It isn’t in my genetic makeup to hold a grudge. I have very little family. When someone lets me in, loves me, that love needs to be treated with care. I know with my whole heart Ricky’d just as soon cut off his own arm than intentionally hurt me.
I blow out a long, frustrated breath. “Yeah, they did. We agreed he’s my man and I’m his woman. Which I think in macho manspeak means we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.”
Ricky whoops and hollers. “Right on! That calls for a celebratory cupcake!” He dances his way out to the display case. On his heels is my mama.
She doesn’t say a word; her silence says it all.
Concern.
Frustration.
Betrayal.
Apology.
Compassion.
Love.
She opens her arms without speaking, and I run into them, plastering my face against her ample bosom. “Mama,” I whisper.
“Child.”
“I’m sorry,” I croak into her chest.
“Me too. Shouldn’t have walked in like that and caught you unawares. I’ll take more care in the future.”
Tears prick the back of my eyes and clog my throat. “I didn’t mean to keep anything from you. We were taking things really slow, and I…I’m scared.”
“Why you scared, baby? He seems like a good man.”
I sniffle and let a tear fall down my cheek. She wipes it away without even needing to see it. She just knows it’s there because she knows me.
“He is. The best. But, there are things you don’t know about Silas, Mama.”
“Like the fact that you’re in love with him?” She hits the nail right on the head, first try.
I nod into her embrace.
“Love can be scary, child. Especially when you do things a little backward, but you’ll turn it around. Ain’t no man in the world gonna turn down love from my beautiful girl. Just not gonna happen. Get that outta your head right now,” she demands as if it’s her right to do so.
I swallow down the lump in my throat and pull back. “As you may have heard a little on the street, he was married before to a woman he loved for a long time. She was pregnant, and both of them died three years ago.”
My mother closes her big brown eyes and whispers what I know is a prayer. A prayer for Silas’s dead wife and daughter and maybe even one for me too. Then she grabs me around the waist and holds me close once more.
“Sometimes the things we love most in this world come with loss. Like you, baby. I love you more than anything in this world, but I had to lose a lot and let go of a lot to find you and make you mine.” She pets my hair and kisses my temple. “Maybe that’s what God brought you here on this earth to do. For me, your dad, and now Silas.”
“Which is what, Mama?”
“Be the love he earns when he lets go of all the loss.”
Chapter Fourteen
Pink, Gold, Silver and White Aura Colors and Meanings: Pink auras are connected to artistic, sensitive, affectionate types. However, if the pink darkens, it shows the individual’s immaturity and dishonest side. Those who are graced with the gold tones tend to be intuitive, wise, and enlightened, but not as much as a person who has silver and white. Those shimmery colors signify the individual is a nurturer, pure and transcendent, ethereal. A true innocent and often spiritual leader.
SILAS
Today is the day. It’s been two weeks since Dara and I rekindled the physical side of our relationship. Since then, I’ve wined and dined her, sans the wine of course due to her pregnancy. I’ve been seeing Dr. Hart regularly and working on letting things go. My house has already received several offers, making it easier to move on from my past life.
Yes. Absolutely. She’ll always be a part of me, one I plan to keep forever. There will always be a piece of my heart that beats for Sarah and our lost child, but the rest has to stay open for Dara and our unborn baby.
Every day I’m shocked at how easy it is to be around Dara. Spend time with her, laugh, take her out, share a meal. But nothing beats the quiet time where we hold hands and talk about our child, the hopes we have for the baby’s future. All the things I had started to do with Sarah but never got to live out. And every day I can wake up and drive over to the bakery and see my girl with my baby alive and growing inside her is another day toward healing the past.
Dr. Hart has yet to convince me I’m not partly to blame for what happened to Sarah. I still feel guilt over buying her the new car, not doing something, anything to have made her safe. The shit deal is I bought her that car to keep her safe. It had great safety ratings for accidents and the like. Though none of those things can ward off junkies looking for a fix. I still can’t get past it.
I shake my head to force out the negative memories and guilty feelings crawling up my spine ready to latch on to my heart. Today is supposed to be the day where I get to see my baby on the screen and hear the heartbeat for the first time.
This is the appointment Sarah and I only made it to once in three pregnancies. The twelve-week checkup and the beginning of the second trimester.
The minute I’ve showered and dressed, I pull out my phone and find Dara’s name in my contacts.
I press “Lil’ Mama” and wait while it rings.
She answers, her breath labored as if she’s just run a mile. “Hello.”
“Dara, what’s going on? Why are you out of breath? Are you okay? Is it the baby?” I ask, concern coating every word, my heart instantly pumping a mile a minute.
“What?” she says distractedly. “No. I just ran to the phone from the shower. Slow your roll.” She laughs and lets out a long breath as if she just slumped down into a chair. “God, I’m tired.”
“Baby, it’s eleven in the morning. I tucked you into bed at eight last night because you were tired, and then I met Atlas for a beer.”
“You did?” She yawns.
I chuckle. My girl is nothing but sweet in the mornings. “Yeah, it’s why I didn’t stay.”
“Hmm, wondered about that when my alarm went off. You set that too?”
I grin into the phone, hold it with my ear against my shoulder, and put on my shoes. “Yeah, baby. I didn’t want you to miss our appointment. I’m looking forward to this.”
“Mmm, me too. Too bad we won’t get to find out what we’re having for another eight weeks. Pregnancy stuff takes forever!” she complains, and I can imagine her pretty pout, having seen it before.
“Good things come to those who wait. I’m sure your mama taught you that.”
“Seeing as I had to wait eight years for a mama, yeah, I get it, but I want our baby now, not twenty-eight more weeks from now.”
I chuckle into the phone. “I’m going to leave, and I’ll come over and get you.”
“No worries. I can meet you there. It’s close to your work. That way you can do what you need to do at work before our appointment.”
My throat dries, heat engulfs my form, and sweat beads at my hairline and behind my neck. I try to take a breath, but my chest is tightening.
Fuck. It’s that same sensation I had when Whitney was here helping me clean out Sarah’s stuff. I tighten my fists and hold the phone as close to my ear as possible. “What do you drive, baby?” I form the words slow and steady.
“Like a car?”
I close my eyes, images of Sarah getting into the red, shiny Lexus and driving off for the first and last time enter my mind.
“Yeah,” I mutter, locking down the panic that’s beating double-time in my chest.
She laughs. Hard.
What the fuck?
“You’re funny, baby. I don’t drive, and I sure as heck don’t have a car.”
Within a second flat, my heart rate slows, and I can finally take a breath. “Then how do you get around?” I grab the towel I used from my shower earlier and wipe at my face and the back of my neck.
“I’ve got two legs, and I use them. When I absolutely need a ride, I call a taxi or Uber it. Then of course there’s the subway if I need to get into the city.” She laughs again, and the sound is so beautiful I want to say something funny so I can hear more of it. “Not sure if you noticed this, Si, but I work in a bakery that I live above. My hobby is teaching meditation right next door. Everything I need is on this street. Except you, of course, and you have your own car. Why would I need to drive?”
A lightness fills my chest, and I rub at the back of my neck. “That’s smart, baby, and very good. So very fucking good.”
“’K, so I’ll meet you there. I’ll take an Uber. Our appointment is not for another two hours, and I know you need to get to work because I heard you on the phone with your sister Whitney yesterday. Whom, by the way, I have yet to meet.” She huffs into the line playfully.
As much as I don’t like the idea of someone else driving my girl, I do need to get to work, and Dr. Hart would lose her mind if I told Dara she had to wait for me.
I can hear her words already. “Silas, you can’t keep living in the past. Taking chances and calculated risks are necessary. You cannot prevent something from happening. You just need to accept that life comes with the good and the bad.”
“Okay, lil’ mama, you win. Just be careful. Make sure the car is big and safe. Text me the driver’s license plate before getting in.”
“Aye, aye, Captain! Will do.” She makes the cute snort-laugh sound I love. “Get to work. And hey…”
“Yeah?” I ask, not exactly wanting to let her go.
“Think of me,” she whispers before hanging up.
I smile at the phone and then put it in my pocket. “Always, Dara. Seems I can’t stop thinking about you since the day we met.”
Which is true. The woman has been on my mind from the minute I tasted her lips. That drunken night changed my life in so many ways and all for the better.
Glancing at the clock, I realize I need to get to steppin’. I grab my blazer and head for my silver baby, a lightness in my movements and a smile on my face.
I don’t drive, and I sure as heck don’t have a car.
Those words spin on repeat, leaving me smiling like a crazy man all the way to work.
Safe. My woman and my baby are going to be just fine.
* * *
“How was that, baby?” Mallory coos into the mic through the sound booth.
I sigh and press the talk button. “Great. Let’s give the second verse another go, with the backup vocals live this time.”
The two women standing to Mallory’s side nod.
“You’re the expert, big boy.” Mallory smiles and presses her chest out, smashing the mic stand between her overly enhanced breasts.
I cringe and think back to a couple nights ago when I had my hands pushing a pair of perfect tits together, my dick sliding between them, Dara’s little pink tongue poking out to flick at the tip of my dick as I titty-fucked her. God that woman melts my mind and makes my dick hard as stone. Even now, just thinking about fucking her, I’m getting a semi.
Shit. Not what I want at work, especially when, in thirty minutes, I’ll be meeting her next door at the doctor’s office. Thinking of that, I grab my phone, which has been on silent while I focus on the music, and check the display. Seven minutes ago, I got two texts: One was a picture of a license plate. The other was a picture of Dara, offering me a beautiful smile, her blue ocean eyes gleaming with excitement. Under the picture, there was a single line of text which said the following:
Heartbeat day, Daddy! Woot woot!
I grin and chuckle behind my hand. My girl is such a nut. Though thinking back, this experience is far more hopeful than the ones I had with Sarah. The two times we got pregnant before o
ur daughter, Sarah lost the baby before we could hear the heartbeat. In the second pregnancy, we went in for the twelve-week check to find out there was no heartbeat. The baby had passed somewhere around the eight-week mark, not long after the first sonogram. She had to have a D & C, otherwise known as a dilation and curettage, to remove the fetus. The third pregnancy we made it to the twelve-week mark, but there was no happiness, no smiles. We were prepared for bad news and ended up getting great news.
For me, the twelve-week mark is a mixed bag. This is the fourth time I’ve thought I was going to be a father. Two miscarriages and one death. No baby to hold in my arms or a child to give my name. To say I am excited is an understatement. I am scared out of my fucking mind, but I’ll never squash Dara’s exuberance. The way she lives her life in the light, bringing joy and happiness everywhere she goes, gives me hope that her energy will carry on to our unborn child.
Mallory’s voice cuts through my thoughts, the rise and fall of the harmonies working perfectly. Magical. When they’re done, I press the talk button.
“Fucking magical, ladies! We’re going to have another hit on our hands. Go ahead and stop; we’re breaking for lunch. I have an appointment to get to.”
Mallory jumps up, her boobs practically smacking her chin in the face.
Leaving them to get their things, I turn off the equipment, set the tracks to the right spot for when we come back, and turn around to grab my blazer. I want to look perfect for Dara today. Be there for her, no matter what happens.
Behind me, the door to the room opens and Mallory comes skipping in. “That was so great, Silas baby. You are a master!” She flings her arms around me, pressing her hard breasts into my chest. “We should celebrate. Right now. How’s about I lift my skirt and you fuck me right here?”
“Mal, what the fu—” I try to get out before I feel a tight grip on my soft cock and her lips slam onto mine, her tongue invading. The taste of candlewax hits my tongue from her lip gloss.
Just as I’m trying to push her off, the door behind her opens.
Intimate Intuition_A Lotus House Novel_Book Six Page 16