by Ayers, Ava
“Holy shit!”
“Too late,” Stephanie said.
I looked at the video page and saw a still shot of me and Billy sitting on his bed.
“Big Dick Rider?” I said as I looked at the video’s submitter. “He posted this the day before he broke up with me!”
“Oh, Beth. Don’t watch it,” Stephanie said.
“Too late,” I said after I pushed play. “Oh my God, Stephanie!”
The video was thirty minutes long and it was a recording of the last time we had sex.
Billy edited the video so my ass-shaking was at the start of the movie. He then moved on to kissing and then the full-on sex. My hands shook and there was a lump in my throat the size of the “boulder of hurt” I excavated from my womb the day he dumped me.
I watched the entire video and then read the comments as Stephanie begged me not to.
“Maybe no one will ever see this and know it’s you, Beth,” Stephanie said.
“You, Hank Paulson and Angela Jessup know it’s me. Big Dick Rider knows it’s me! How long will it be before everyone knows it’s me?”
“But, did you read the comments? They had some really complimentary things to say about you, Beth. I mean, over one hundred comments and they’re all really positive.”
“Stephanie?”
“Yes, Beth?”
“I am in a porno video entitled, My Ex-Girlfriend’s Barely Legal Princess Pussy, in the amateur category on smutzoo.com that Billy Rider made without my knowledge. I wouldn’t care if the Sultan of Brunei commented that he wants to give me ten grand for my performance. There is nothing fucking positive about this! ”
“I was gonna ask you if you knew about it, I figured you didn’t know, but I wasn’t sure.”
“If I was going to do a porn video, Stephanie, I would have choreographed it better. Motherfucker! Stephanie! How could he do this to me?”
“He is, without a doubt, the lowest form of life on this planet, Beth.”
“They have to take it down, don’t they? They can’t keep it up if I tell them to take it down,” I said.
“I was looking into that. I’ve not found the answer yet. It’s visitor-generated content, Beth. It’s not like smutzoo.com posted it. They’re kind of like the hosts.”
“I’ve gotta go, Steph.”
“Beth, what are you going to do?”
“Throw up and then I don’t know.”
“Let me come over.”
“I have to...I’ll call you later.”
I slammed the cover to my laptop shut and ran out into the living room. I walked down the hall toward Ivory-Lou and Rebel Love’s bedroom and I saw the light shining out from under Ivory-Lou’s office.
I wiped my tears and knocked on the big, wooden door.
“I’m working!” he said.
“Um, it’s me...Beth.”
I heard him grumbling as he moved his chair. His slippers slapped against the wooden floor and he pulled the door open.
“Oh, hello, Beth, long time, no see. I was just wondering what in the world you could be up to since I haven’t seen you in a whole...hour. What do you want?”
“I really need to talk to you. It’s important. And not like, I’m in love with a guy and he looked at me weird, can you tell me what it means, important, but really important.”
“You pregnant?” he said and stared down at me.
“No. Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” he said and shook his head as he walked back in his office.
I closed the door and followed him to his big mahogany desk. He sat down in his leather chair behind his desk and I sat on the other side of the desk in a leather club chair.
“These are nice chairs. Are these the chairs Rebel Love picked up at that furniture store on Hester Street?”
“What do you want, Beth? I’m busy. End of quarter, paper work, you know, business. Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know.”
“Funny,” I said and smiled.
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
He pulled a cigar out of a big crystal ashtray and lit it. He blew the smoke at the ceiling and stared at his computer monitor.
“This is...difficult. Stephanie called me and--” I said.
“Is she pregnant?”
“No. No one is pregnant, thank God. Well, Billy Rider’s girlfriend is, which brings me to what I need to talk to you about. Just please bear with me because I’m freaking the fuck out.”
“You seem pretty calm. A lot calmer than you’ve been the past weeks.”
“Yeah,” I said and took a deep breath, “I think I’m in shock.”
He looked at me and moved his chair closer to his desk.
“What’s up?”
“I’m just gonna blurt because I don’t know any other way. Um, Billy Rider posted a video of us having sex on the Internet to a site called smutzoo.com. He posted under the name Big Dick Rider. I did not give him my permission and did not know he was filming us having sex. The camera was hidden in his room, from the angle, I think on one of the shelves above his dresser. The video is called: My Ex-Girlfriend’s Barely Legal Princess Pussy. He posted it the day before Thanksgiving. It was the last time we had sex and the day before he broke up with me. The video has been viewed over one thousand times since he posted it. So far, I know of only three people who know about it...Angela Jessup and Hank Paulson, they discovered it, Stephanie and Billy Rider. Four people, well, five, me. It has a rating of five out of five stars.”
I looked at him and tears ran down my face. He dropped his cigar in his ashtray and put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling.
“Please, help me,” I said. “I am humiliated. I don’t know what to do.”
“I need to see it,” he said and grabbed his wireless keyboard.
“No! I just told you I’m humiliated.”
He looked up at me and cocked his head.
“Beth, believe me, I’m not looking at for the excitement value. Now, you trusted me enough to tell me about it, right? Trust me enough to take care of it.”
I exhaled and gave him the address to the website and told him what to type in the search box.
I covered my eyes and peeked at him through my fingers. He sat stone-faced as he watched the video and did not move until it was done. He picked his cigar up and puffed on it as he stared at me.
“So, I asked Stephanie if I could make them take it down and she said she didn’t have that information. Um, would you know something about that?” I said and stared at his desk.
“I know something about that,” he said and took a pad of paper out of his credenza and threw it on the desk.
I looked up at him and burst into tears.
“I know I’m a disappointment,” I said. “Please don’t tell my mother. She expects it of me.”
He grabbed a box of tissues and reached across his desk.
“Wipe your face, Beth.”
“How much more?” I said as I sobbed.
“Can you take?” he said.
I nodded and held onto the box of tissues.
“As much as you want to,” he said. “Finish crying. Wipe your face.”
He stared at me while I sat in the chair shaking. When I had nothing left in me, I blew my nose and slumped back in the chair.
“Are you done?” he said.
“Yes, I’m done.”
He stared at the computer screen and licked his lips.
“This Billy you went out with, Big Dick Rider, same one who’s been in my house?” he said as he rubbed his eyes.
“Yeah,” I said and blew my nose.
He opened his bottom drawer and pulled out a small safe and placed it on his desk. He pressed some buttons on a keypad and the safe beeped.
“Three things, okay? Three things I am going to tell you,” he said as he pulled a stack of cash out of the safe and counted it. “Are you listening?”
Ivory-Lou placed a stack of money on his desk, closed his safe and put it back in the drawer.
“Yes.”
He tapped on the money and stared at me as he shook his head.
“First, what we’ve seen here, what we talk about and what happens subsequent to this conversation, will not be shared with anyone. Not your sisters, not your mother, no one. Understand?”
I looked down in my lap and nodded as I cried.
“Thank you,” I said and sighed.
“Second,” he said and pushed the money toward me with two fingers, “this is one thousand dollars. Book yourself a ticket and go see your friend in New York.”
He stood from his desk and I looked up at him.
“I’m...I don’t know what to say,” I said.
“Thank you is usually appropriate,” he said.
“Thank you,” I said and shook my head. “Thank you so much.”
“Third,” he said and turned the pad of paper toward me and placed a pen beside the pad, “I am going to walk out of the room and close the door. After I leave, I want you to pick up the pen and write that piece of shit’s address on that pad of paper. When you are done writing that piece of shit’s address on that pad of paper, I want you to walk out of the room and go to bed. Do you understand?”
I stared at him and he closed his eyes and nodded.
“I understand,” I said.
He walked around his desk and stopped beside my chair. He put his hand on my shoulder and stood there for a moment.
“We take as much as we want to take, Beth. No more, no less,” he said and walked out of his office and closed the door.
When I finished writing Billy’s address on the pad of paper, I grabbed the stack of money and left his office.
Ivory-Lou and I passed each other in the hallway and nodded and I went to my bedroom and got into bed. I stared at the money on my dresser and picked up my phone and called India.
“Hey, did I wake you up?” I said.
“It’s okay, what’s up?”
“Just wanted to let you know... I’m on my way.”
CHAPTER NINE
I booked a roundtrip ticket on Delta into JFK and Rebel Love took me to the airport. I bought a decent-looking carryon suitcase and carried my camera and iPod in a large purse. I was unsure of my clothes and Rebel and the other girls helped me choose some nice outfits and Rebel Love let me borrow her expensive leather coat.
“I’m not going to look like a total hick, am I?” I said as we into the airport.
“You look beautiful, Beth. Honestly. No one is going to be able to tell you’re from here. Don’t worry.”
“Does our mother know I’m going?”
“Yes,” Rebel Love said and rolled her eyes.
“What did she say?”
“The usual, Beth. She can’t believe you’re flying somewhere to meet someone you never met. I explained that you and India talked all the time and Ivory-Lou knew exactly where you were going to be, but you know how she is.”
“Yeah, guess it was too much to hope that she’d be happy I was taking my first trip.”
“Mazie Goodnight and I are thrilled that you are taking your first trip. We want you to really embrace this experience, Beth. I know you’ve had it rough for a little while now. This is your chance to start wanting good things for yourself. I think this trip will be really inspiring.”
“Aren’t you going to park?” I said as Rebel Love blew past the short-term parking lot and headed toward the departure lane.
“No,” she said as she looked at me and smiled. “This is all you from start to finish.”
Rebel Love pulled her car into Delta’s departure lane to let me out, threw the car into park and reached over and hugged me.
“I’m real nervous, Rebel Love,” I said as I rested my chin on her shoulder. “I’m terrified I’m going to make an ass out of myself.”
She put her hands on my face and stared into my eyes.
“You are not white trash, Beth Munroe. You are a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken girl. Not a one of them is better than you. Not a one.”
“I’ll text you when I get there?” I said and opened the car door.
“Okay,” she said. “I want you to have an adventure, Beth. A really amazing adventure.”
As I rolled my carryon over the carpet in the airport, I wanted to turn around and run back to Rebel Love, but I forced myself to keep walking. I went through security and found my gate. I sat down next to an older man and waited at the gate to board.
He looked over at me and smiled.
“Where you going?” he said.
“I’m visiting my friend in New York...Montauk. It’s my first flight,” I said and chuckled.
“Nervous?” he said and took a paper bag out of the inside of his jacket and looked around.
“A little,” I said. “I just don’t know what to expect, you know? I think that’s what makes me the most nervous.”
“This helps,” he said and held the paper bag to his lips. “Want some?”
“Um, no. No, thank you.”
I felt a little dizzy as I walked down the hall toward the plane as I waited in line to board. When it was my turn, I took deep breaths as I stared at the flight attendant. I felt cool air hit my legs and I looked down at the space between the plane and the airport. I put my hand on the frigid metal door of the plane.
“Whoa,” I said as I looked at the concrete miles below me.
“Just step over,” the flight attendant said. “You won’t fall.”
“It’s my first...”
“Welcome aboard,” she said as she looked at my boarding pass. “You will be fine.”
I walked the narrow aisle and stared at all the passengers as I burned their faces into my brain. I saw the old man with the bottle in his jacket and he winked at me.
When I found my seat, the man sitting across the aisle from me helped me put my suitcase in the bin over my head. I sat next to a black woman eating apple slices who stared out the window. She looked at me as I tried to buckle my seatbelt and held up an apple slice.
“No, thank you,” I said as I took the iPod out of my jacket.
“First trip?” she said as she chomped on apple.
“Yes,” I said and smiled. “How can you tell?”
“You look like you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I don’t fly so good. I can’t help you.”
“Oh, I think I should be fine,” I said.
“Probably not. I pray to the Lord as the plane’s taking off there ain’t no big-time sinners on board so he don’t see fit to cut the plane off in the air so it crashes into someone’s house below. You a big-time sinner?”
“Um, no?” I said as I thought of My Ex-Girlfriend’s Barely Legal Princess Pussy.
“Good,” she said and nodded. “Maybe we got a chance.”
I looked down at my iPod as the flight attendant walked down the aisle and closed the overhead bins.
“Do you need anything?” she said as she looked down at me.
“I’m listening to Tuesday’s Gone by Lynyrd Skynyrd,” I said as I put my headphones in my ear.
“That’s nice,” she said and cocked her head. “However, you’ll have to wait until the Captain says it’s okay to turn on electronic devices. Then you can listen to whatever you want.”
The stewardess walked away and I stared at the black lady.
“I have to listen to this,” I said.
“Keeps you from losing your mind?” she said as she stared at my iPod.
“Uh huh.”
“Hide it, they won’t know. Put it under your jacket. I sing Jesus Loves Me in my head. Used to sing Oh, Happy Day, but I ain’t happy...it’s a lie. So, I sing Jesus Loves Me now and I ain’t never had a crash.”
As the plane began its slow taxi before take-off, I pressed repeat, turned up the volume and the music began. As the opening guitar came in, I felt my heartbeat slow as I looked out the window. I rested my head against the back of the seat as the plane shot faster and faster down the runway and the lady next to me gripped the armrest.
Train
roll on...
I felt a current charging through my entire body as the front of the plane tilted up and the wheels were off the ground. The plane shifted, popped and banged and my body flowed with plane’s movements.
Won’t you please take me far away...
As we climbed higher and higher and higher, I looked at the black lady and she stared at me as her lips moved. Beads of sweat dotted her forehead and she looked like she was about to cry.
My baby’s gone with the wind...
I smiled at her as the piano music started and felt exhilarated.
I closed my eyes and saw myself as a little girl running through the wildflower field near my grandmother’s house. Rebel Love twirled around and around in the field as Mazie Goodnight sprinkled flower petals over her head. We laughed as we danced among the flowers and threw the petals at each other.
Had I died at that moment, I would have died happy.
“I’m in Atlanta!” I said to India as I got off the plane.
“Excellent. What gate do you go to?” she said.
“Uh...B14,” I said as I looked at my boarding pass.
“Perfect, you’ll pass the fishbowl. I always stop by there for a smoke. How was it?”
I stopped walking and looked around at all the nicely dressed travelers and the shops I only ever read about in magazines and smiled.
“I felt free.”
“You are free,” India said. “I’ll be waiting at the gate. See you soon.”
I found an empty seat in B14 and stared at the other passengers waiting to board for New York City. They were worlds away from West Virginia. A couple sat next to me reading an Esquire magazine together. The girl’s long legs were stretched on the table in front of her and she rested her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder as she stroked the plaid scarf he wore.
I was suddenly hit in the gut with longing for Nicolas and I wished we were them, waiting to embark on our journey. As I stared at them, all the levity and elation seeped out of me like a balloon with a pin hole.
I turned away from them and called Mazie Goodnight.
“Hey,” I said when she answered.
“Hey! Are you there already?”
“Not yet. In Atlanta,” I said as I covered my mouth.
“Why are you whispering?”
“Crowded. I need to ask you something.”