by Ayers, Ava
I looked at Declan and waved and he nodded.
“Sure, sounds lovely.”
“What hotel?” I said as Patrick drove us through Chicago.
“The Four Seasons, Miss Munroe,” he said as he looked in the rearview mirror at me. “It’s very nice...the best.”
He escorted me into the hotel and I tried to keep my mouth closed as I looked around the lobby. The bellman brought us up to Declan’s suite and I stood in the middle of the room and shook my head.
“This is the most amazing place I’ve ever been,” I said.
Patrick handed the bellman ten dollars and gave me a quick tour of the suite.
“Do you need anything before I go?” Patrick said.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Are you sure? Any supplements?” he said.
“Um, no?” I said.
“Okay,” he said and smiled. “Remember to be in the lobby at eight.”
I called India as soon as he left.
“Oh, my God, India! I can’t believe this place.”
“I told you it was nice.”
“Jesus, I feel like such a hick.”
“I’m sure you look fine. How was Declan?”
“I don’t know, a little cold...distant.”
“He’s working, Beth.”
“I know, I just thought he’d seem more excited. It was kind of awkward.”
“And you’re feeling self-conscious, I’m sure. Just relax. What are you wearing tonight?”
“A dress...black and white horizontal stripes. It’s casual, knit. Looks good on me.”
“Excellent. You’ll be side-stage so a dress is perfect.”
“Hey, do you know Patrick the driver?” I said as I opened the door to the balcony.
“Yeah, why?”
“He asked me if I needed any supplements. I assume he wasn’t talking about vitamins?”
“You assume correctly. Anything can be brought to you on the road, Beth. It’s like traveling room service whenever you want.”
I put my hair up in pin curls and took a bubble bath in the extra big, extra deep whirlpool tub. I got out, grabbed a beer from the mini-fridge and in between texting my sisters and friends and staring at Declan’s bed, I got ready to be in the lobby at eight. I practiced walking in the heels I brought on different surfaces, played some music and tried to do my goddess breathing exercises.
I looked in the mirror in the foyer of the suite and was pleased with how I looked on the outside, on the inside, however, I was a wreck.
“You are a total fraud,” I said to my reflection.
I exited the elevator into the lobby and walked slowly across the polished marble floor. I saw Declan as I stood at the top of the landing above the bar. He looked up at me and waved. I started down three carpeted steps that went into the entrance of the bar and he stood at the bottom.
“Walk slow,” Declan said as he looked up at me. “I love the way your body moves in that dress.”
I white-knuckled the railing so I didn’t fall and when I got to the bottom, he grabbed me and pressed his body against mine. He looked over his shoulder into the bar, then pushed me backward. I took three steps back and he pinned me up against the wall with his body.
“Jesus, you look so good,” he said as he ran his hands up and down my body. “How am I going to contain myself?”
I looked into his green eyes and smiled.
“Why do you have to?”
“That’s a brilliant answer, Beth. Why do I have to?”
He pressed his lips against mine and I put my hands under his coat and wrapped my arms around his waist. He brought his mouth away from mine and caressed my cheek.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t spend time with you earlier.”
“No, it’s fine. I know you’re working. This isn’t a vacation for you. I’m cool with that.”
“You’re amazing. Want to come meet my friends?”
“Yes, of course,” I said and smiled as he took my hand.
He introduced me to all of his friends and they were all polite. There were girls hovering around the bar and, just like in my dream, he didn’t even glance at them. He focused all of his attention totally and completely on me.
We made out in the limo on the way to the auditorium in front of the other band members and Alistair and I wasn’t a bit shy.
“God, I don’t want to even go on stage tonight. I just want to stay with you,” he said as he ran his fingers through my hair.
I dug my heel into the top of my foot just to make sure I was conscious.
“I wish you could just stay with me,” I said.
“After the show there’s a big party for us in the grand ballroom. Sort of a send-off for Europe. Hey, is your passport current?”
“Um, I think I lost it...I have to check,” I said.
“Well, make sure you do. Renew it as soon as you get home. Did Patrick ask you if you need anything?”
“Yes, when he took me to your room.”
“And do you?” he said.
“Oh, no, I’m fine.”
I sat in the same chair, in the same spot I did during the sound check. Watching him on stage gave me chills. I studied the people in the audience and I could tell by the looks in their eyes as they watched the band, they felt the same. To be him for just one day would erase the bad from all the days that came before.
When the show ended, the band came off stage and Declan grabbed my hand as he ran by and dragged me into the dark room behind us. As everyone else went left, Declan took a detour to the right and walked us down a narrow corridor. At the end of the hall, there was a big equipment case pushed against the wall. Declan put his hands on my waist and lifted me off the ground and sat me on top of the case.
“I just want a moment alone with you,” he said as he put his hands on my thighs. “Scoot yourself forward a bit.”
I moved to the edge of the case and he spread my knees and stood in between my legs.
“What did you think of the show?” he said as he ran his fingers up and down my arms.
“It was incredible...you were incredible,” I said.
“Thank you. We had some sound problems. I didn’t know if anyone could tell,” he said as he stared into my lap and smiled.
“I couldn’t tell. I thought you sounded incredible,” I said.
“You like the word incredible, don’t you?” he said and chuckled as he stared at my chest. “I think you are pretty incredible.”
He looked at me and took a deep breath and rested his forehead against my chest. I stroked his hair, the back of his neck, his arms and I pulled him deeper in between my legs as I tightened them around his.
“What do you want out of life, Beth?” he said as he looked up at me. “What is it that you want above all else?”
I knew what the answer was; I always knew that answer from the time I was a little girl. I just never told anyone.
“Empathy,” I said and took a deep breath.
He looked at me and smiled as nodded.
“Yes,” he said as he took two steps back. “I just want to look at you. I want to remember this.”
I wanted him to take a picture and post it on Facebook for the world to see, but I tried to remember to dial into the moment.
“You’re shy,” he said and smiled. “Your face is red. It’s quite endearing.”
“I’m an introvert,” I said as I forced myself to look into his eyes.
“I am too a little. It’s hard for us, Beth, isn’t it?”
I could not even fathom that Declan White felt the same awkwardness I did as we dodged the landmines set down by the brutality of civilization.
“Yes,” I whispered, “it is.”
“Ah, I’m sorry, Beth. I can see in your eyes that you have endured a terrible pain. I have too. I want to show you that it can be overcome. I want you to be happy. Would you like that?”
“More than anything,” I said and nodded.
> He took another step back and stared at me as he smiled.
“Scoot forward a bit more, Beth. Bring that beautiful ass to the edge of the case.”
I moved forward and sat on the edge of the case. My legs dangled over and the tips of my toes nearly touched the concrete floor.
“Perfect,” he whispered. “Now, brace your arms on the case and lean back just a bit...that’s it, my girl. Now, I want you to spread your legs, Beth. Spread them as wide as they can go.”
I looked at him and then looked around the room.
“Here?” I said.
“This is where we are right now, isn’t it? Don’t be shy, love. I’m right here, it’s safe.”
I took a deep breath as I closed my eyes and spread my legs. My dress crept up my thighs and I felt the cool air between my legs.
“Look at me, Beth,” he said.
I opened my eyes and looked into his. He smiled and shook his head.
“Very nice,” he said as he took his leather jacket off and hung it off the back of a desk chair beside him.
He picked up the wooden chair and placed it down in front of me and took a seat. I looked down at him and he gripped my calves and pulled my legs a little further apart.
Declan ran his hands up my legs until his thumbs pressed into the inside of my thighs.
“Baby,” he said as he brushed his fingertips up and down the inside of my thigh, “spread your legs for me just a little bit more. Will you do that for me, Beth?”
My heart and everything else that had blood rushing to it in my body, pounded. I moved my knees apart as I nodded. My breathing was fast and shallow as he looked between my legs and I looked up at the ceiling as I closed my eyes.
“Look at me,” he said. “You have no idea what you are doing to me.”
His fingers reached my panties and rested against the inside of my leg. His knuckles brushed back and forth against the outside of my panties and I broke out into goose bumps. He chuckled softly as I shivered.
“So wet,” he whispered as he rubbed me. “So swollen.”
I reached out to touch him and he grabbed my wrist and held it down against the case.
“What do you want, Beth?” he said as he rubbed me. “Tell me what you want.”
“A kiss,” I said. “I want to taste you.”
He stood up and kicked the chair back and got in between my legs.
“I need to taste you too,” he said and smiled.
I felt dizzy as I lowered my mouth to his as he rubbed the outside of my panties with his fingers. He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me into him. His fingers probed at me like his tongue probed the inside of my mouth as we kissed. He pulled up on the back of my neck and stared at me.
“I have never, ever been so turned on in my life,” he whispered as he rubbed against me faster and faster. “I want you to ride me, baby. I’m gonna make you feel so fucking good. Tell me you want me.”
“I want you,” I said as I panted. “I want you so bad.”
He moved his fingers under the elastic of my panties and he rubbed my damp skin. My legs shook as he moved his thumb in circles over me.
“There it is,” he said and leaned forward and brushed his lips against my ear. “There’s that clit. It’s so swollen, Beth. You feeling good, baby?”
I looked at him and nodded as my muscles tensed in my lower belly.
“Oh, you’re close, aren’t you?” Declan said and bit his lip. “So fucking close.”
“Yes,” I said and exhaled.
“Should I stop?” he said.
I heard voices from far away and he stopped moving his fingers. I grabbed his wrist and pressed his hand into me.
“Please,” I said, “please don’t stop.”
“Oh, so I shouldn’t?” he said and chuckled. “That would be cruel of me, wouldn’t it?”
I felt such pressurized pain, the tingle turned to a cold numb that made me shake.
“Yes,” I said and stared into his eyes, “and you’re not cruel, are you?”
He bit the side of my neck and nibbled on my earlobe as he breathed heavily into my ear.
“I am the cruelest man you will ever meet, Beth,” he said into my ear, “but, I will make you feel so fucking good, you will not care.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I stared into Declan’s eyes and knew that he told the truth. And just like he said, I did not care.
His fingers went back to work and I felt as if I was being dragged out to sea by this incredible undertow. It did not matter that I was drowning or in the company of the cruelest man in the world. I only cared how he made me feel and, at that moment, I never felt better.
“Declan!” a man said from the entrance of the corridor. “We’ve been looking all over for you! Oh, hello, I’m Baxter.”
I looked over Declan’s shoulder at the gangly man who stood behind him and shook my head. Declan rested his head against my shoulder and sighed.
“Tour manager,” Declan said. “Baxter this is Beth...Beth, Baxter.”
“Um, hi,” I said and waved.
“Not yet, but I’m sure you will be. Come on, Declan, limos are leaving. We have a party to attend.”
“Yep, give us a minute,” he said and shook his head and stared at me. “I’m so sorry. Forgive me?”
“Oh, of course. I understand,” I said. “It’s work, right? Not a big deal. Let’s go to the party.”
“You are such a doll, Beth,” he said and kissed me. “We’re going to have fun tonight. Isn’t this an incredible date?”
“Incredible,” I said.
We walked through the back area holding hands and there were photographers and girls and managers and his bandmates. He introduced me to everyone he knew and everyone he knew was nice to me. Even the girls were nice to me when they figured out I was with him.
And in the electric sea that he was a part of, the movement and lights and chaos that he created, I felt accepted. And beautiful. I felt beautiful.
We went back to the Four Seasons and walked into one of the ballrooms. He held my hand and never let me out of his sight.
“I’m going to want you all to myself, okay?” he said and kissed me in front of a roomful of people.
“That’s exactly what I want,” I said.
I went to the restroom to check on my makeup and I smiled at my reflection. The transformation was underway and I moved through my old world and into his with grace. I even looked taller as I fixed my hair. A girl came into the bathroom and stood next to me. She stared at me as she held her lipstick to her lips.
“Hello,” she said. “I’m Terri.”
“Hi,” I said and smiled at her, “I’m Beth.”
“Yeah, I know. I saw you come in with Declan. Are you his girlfriend?”
I looked into the mirror and slicked on some red lip gloss.
“Yes,” I said and smiled.
She turned away from me and rummaged through her purse and pulled out seven twenty-dollar bills and put them on the vanity.
“Could you give him this? My friends and I sold t-shirts at our dorms for him at the show. This is what he made.”
“Sure,” I said and as I picked up the money. “But he’s inside the party, you could give it to him.”
“Um, no,” she said and turned toward the paper towel holder.
I looked at the side of her face in the mirror and saw tears running from her eyes.
“Okay,” I said.
She turned toward me and took a deep breath.
“You’re really lucky,” she said and wiped her face. “I wish I was you.”
She grabbed her purse and ran out of the bathroom and I stared at myself in the mirror.
And goddamn if I didn’t smile because of that girl’s pain.
“Shame on you, Beth,” I said as I fluffed my hair. “You will be struck down for that.”
I went back into the ballroom and looked around for Declan. Alistair brought me a beer and a photographer took our picture together.<
br />
“Having a lovely time, dear?” Alistair said.
“Yes, absolutely,” I said.
“It’s too bad you weren’t able to come to any of the other shows in the States. He mentioned that you may come to some of the European dates.”
“He did?”
“Yes,” Alistair said and chuckled. “Why, is that not correct?”
“Oh, yes. You know, just have to check my schedule and whatnot.”
“Lovely, Beth,” he said. “You are a lovely girl.”
I spotted Declan talking with Patrick and waved to him. He finished his conversation and came over to me.
“I missed you!” he said and hugged me.
“I was gone for five minutes,” I said and laughed.
“Five minutes too long.”
He kissed me and I saw the flashbulbs pop off in the corner of my eye. I laid into that kiss, but good.
“Hey, I want to get changed. Let’s go to the room, okay? We can come back down.”
We walked into the elevator holding hands and as soon as the doors closed, Declan pushed me against the mirrored wall in the elevator and kissed me.
He ran his hands up and down my body and I dug my fingernails into his leather jacket. He pinned my shoulders to the wall and grinded his body up and down against mine.
“Thank God for slow elevators,” he said and winked.
“Too slow,” I said and bit the side of his neck. “I want to lay down with you.”
He smiled and ran his hands up my legs and under my dress and clawed at my panties.
“I’ve got something for you,” he said into my ear, “something that will give you a lot of pleasure.”
“I know you do,” I said and giggled. “I can feel it.”
He laughed and put his hand in his jacket and pulled out a vial of white powder and held it up in front of my face.
“Well, that too,” he said and slammed his body into me, “but also, this.”
“Oh,” I said and looked at the vial. “It’s...”
“Just blow,” he said as he unscrewed the cap. “You’re not in recovery, are you?”
“Uh, no,” I said.
A tiny spoon attached to the cap and he filled it with powder and held it under my nose.
“You first, baby,” he said. “Enjoy.”