by Ayers, Ava
“Too late,” I said and nodded. “You want them so damn bad and you never want them to want anyone else.”
“I’m sorry and I say that with all sincerity. It’s not real, you know. It’s desperation. Speak of the devils,” Tricia said as she looked down the shoreline. “Who’s with them?”
I turned and looked at the boat as it bounced down the water through the waves. Declan drove, Chickie and Patrick stood next to him and Maria the waitress and a gorgeous blond stood next to her.
“Jesus,” I said and shook my head.
“Beth, it’s not him,” Tricia said and stood from the rock. “I’m sorry, but, he’s not the man for you any more than Chickie is the man for me. Don’t humiliate yourself like I do.”
I watched the boat float onto the shore and Patrick hopped out onto the dock and tied the boat to a post. The girls got out of the boat and giggled as they ran up the beach toward the house and Patrick, Chickie and Declan walked behind them talking.
“Oh no,” Chickie said as he saw Tricia and I, “they’re conspiring against us.”
“Hello, darling,” Declan said as he walked up to me. “Are you feeling rested?”
“Yes, very. How was the boat trip?”
“Incredible. I need to take you out so we can explore,” he said and put his arm around me.
“That’s an incredible camera, Beth. They’re pretty rare,” Chickie said. “Do you show your work?”
“Um, no,” I said and stared at the camera. “I just fool around.”
“Speaking of fooling around,” Patrick said and put his hand on Declan’s shoulder, “we need to get the favors ready.”
“Okay,” Declan said and turned to me. “Darling, we need to take care of some things for tonight. Enjoy yourself and we’ll meet up later, okay?”
“Well, I wanted to--”
He turned and ran toward the house and Chickie held out his hand for Tricia.
“Coming?” he said.
Tricia turned and looked at me and her eyes watered.
“Go home, Beth,” she said. “This is not the place for you.”
I wore a beautiful red, silk dress I borrowed from Rebel Love to the party. I was saving it for a night when Declan and I went out alone, but it seemed to be as good a time as any.
He stayed by my side as he did in Chicago and I started to relax. He introduced me to all of his friends and they all were very nice to me. Maria and the hot blond, Ingrid, stayed away from me and I did my best to ignore them. After the sun set, the back garden was wall-to-wall people. Alcohol flowed and a band set up on the terrace. The workers set up a dance floor and the back yard was lit up like a Christmas tree. There were hundreds of people at the party and everyone was wasted.
India and Nando and Anthony jumped around on the dance floor with the other guests and she said that I was acting the way the girlfriend of a rock star should. And I felt proud. The alcohol definitely helped to numb my jealousy.
“You look so beautiful, Beth,” Declan said to me a few hours later as the band whipped the crowd into a frenzy. “Are you having fun?”
“Thank you,” I said and put my arms around him. “I always have fun when I’m with you.”
“Except for last night?”
“I was with you, I had fun. I just got jealous.”
“Yes,” he said and sighed, “the ego is a real bitch. You must always remember that people were not meant to be owned.”
“Oh, sure, yeah,” I said. “Well, I think that--”
“Hold out your hand and close your eyes. I have a gift for you,” he said and smiled.
“You didn’t have to get me anything. You’ve already done so much for me,” I said as my heart pounded.
“Come on, just do it. Don’t open them until I say,” he said and kissed me.
I closed my eyes tight as I could and held out my hand. He dropped something into my palm and I pictured the beautiful ring I was soon going to have on my finger.
“Open them,” he said and ran his hand down my arm.
I looked at my hand and blinked a few times as I tried to stuff the disappointment down.
“What is it?” I said as I looked at the large capsule filled with grainy, brown powder.
“X, you know, Ecstasy,” he said. “You’ve done it before, right?”
“I...no,” I said as I looked out over the crowd.
“Then you’re in for a treat! Take it, Beth,” he said. “Let’s experience this together.”
I stared at the pill as Declan held his drink out. I looked into his eyes and then at the sea of people who were there just for him. Just being around him made those people feel good. What he possessed, the way he looked, the things he said turned fans into followers. And people liked me when I was with him. I liked me when I was with him. And when I was not, well, when I wasn’t, I’d go right back to being me and that was nearly ungoddamnbearable.
But the thing that I forgot as I swallowed that horse pill and washed it down with a vodka tonic is that while everything I was belonged to him, he really wasn’t my guy. Because he belonged to everyone.
I lost sight of him at one point and stood on the terrace looking around as India, Nando and Anthony came staggering up the stairs toward me.
“India!” I said.
“Bethy!” she said and laughed as she hugged me.
“I did X...the drug,” I said.
“Oh, perfect! This batch is hardcore, Beth. How do you feel?”
“I don’t really feel anything,” I said as I looked at Nando and Anthony who sweated like pigs. “Your eyes, India, they’re...”
“Rolling, Beth. I’m going off! Maybe you got a bad one. There’s a ton of it in the candy dish on the mantle in the living room. Take another one if you don’t peak. I’m gonna go work this off with them!”
India grabbed the boys’ hands and they all staggered into the house.
I followed them and stopped in the living room as the three of them walked up the stairs. I stared at the huge bowl filled with brown pills and I sunk into the leather couch.
“Hey!” Patrick said as he came in and grabbed a handful of pills. “Having fun?”
“Oh, yeah, I’m just sitting for a minute. Have you seen Declan?”
“He’s around here somewhere. Maybe the kitchen?” Patrick said and winked. “See you later, Beth.”
I stood up and got really dizzy. As the room spun, I steadied myself against the side of the couch and put my hand over my chest. My skin was hot and damp and my heart beat faster and faster.
“Hey, Beth,” Chickie said as he walked past me. “Some party, huh?”
“I think I need to lay...calm down,” I said I felt the anxiety.
I felt like someone lit a match to the base of my spine. As the flame crept up the detonation fuse, the burn was excruciating. I clawed at my skull as the fire overtook my brain. I held onto the wall as I made my way to the kitchen. I saw Declan as I broke out into a sweat. His back was against the refrigerator and Ingrid was pressed against his body dragging her nails up and down his chest. I closed my eyes as I leaned against the stove.
“Beth?” he said.
I opened my eyes and stared at him and she looked at me and smiled.
“Oh, you were right,” Ingrid said as she stared at Declan, “this is going to be a fun night.”
They walked up to me and she put her hand under my chin and tilted my head up.
“Pleased to meet you, Beth,” she said and pressed her lips against mine. “Shall we head to the bedroom?”
I put my hands on her chest and pushed her back.
“I-I’m sick,” I said. “Something is wrong.”
“You’re going off,” Declan said. “Relax. Let’s go lay down.”
He sounded as if he was underwater and I put my hands over my ears.
“The burn,” I said. “I can’t...”
“Come on, we’re all going to fuck,” he said and grabbed my hand.
“What did you say? No!” I sa
id and ripped my hand from his grip and fell back against the cabinet.
“No?” he said as he put his arm around Ingrid’s waist. “Calm down, Beth.”
I looked up at him and he drifted in and out of focus.
“You’re not going to fuck her. She’s a whore! You’re with me! You are my boyfriend!” I said.
“Beth, calm down,” Declan said from very far away.
“Something is wrong!” I said and put my hands on my chest.
My stomach lurched and I threw up all over Rebel Love’s red silk dress in front of he and Ingrid.
“Oh, Jesus!” Declan said. “Patrick!”
“Wow,” Ingrid said, “guess she can’t handle her drugs.”
As I heaved and vomited, Declan leaned down and looked into my eyes.
“I’m leaving now, Beth,” Declan said. “Patrick will take care of you.”
“No, please don’t leave me!”
Patrick ran in the kitchen and picked me up and carried me into the living room as I threw up all over both of us.
“I’m sorry!” I said as he ran past a roomful of people and up the stairs holding me. “Declan!”
Patrick took us into one of the bathrooms and put me down on the floor. He turned the shower on and looked at me.
“Your eyes are twitching hard,” he said. “You’re fine...you couldn’t handle the rush. Next time, take two. It gets you past the rush.”
I slumped over against the toilet as I watched him take his puke-covered shirt off.
“Where’s Declan?”
“Gone, baby,” he said as I rested my face against the cold tile floor.
I opened my eyes and looked around the bathroom and Patrick was gone. I tried to stand up and the room spun. I crawled out of the bathroom and down the hall on my hands and knees to India’s room. The door was wide open and the lights were on. I hung onto the door casing and pulled myself to my knees.
“India?” I said as I stared into the room.
She was naked on the bed with Nando behind her and Anthony underneath her.
“God,” I said as my stomach tightened.
I crawled back down the hall to the bathroom and shut the door and passed out.
CHAPTER TWENTY
The sunlight beamed through the window and hit me in the face. I lifted my head off the bathroom floor and knew that this was going to be one of the worst days of my life. I peeled the disgusting dress off my body and hauled my ass into the shower. I wrapped a towel around me and walked down the hallway and peeked into India’s room. She, Nando and Anthony were still going at it.
“Wow,” I said under my breath as I walked toward Declan’s room.
I felt like I was going to be sick again as I pressed my ear to his bedroom door and then I pushed the door open and looked inside. His room was empty and his bed was made.
I looked in his mirror at my swollen, bloodshot eyes and green-tinted skin and wanted so badly for him to walk into the room and hug me.
“Maybe it was all a dream,” I said to my reflection. “Maybe there is no Ingrid.”
I crept into the living room and saw the X-filled bowl on the mantle. Various bodies were strewn across the room in various stages of undress and the house was as quiet as a cemetery.
I looked through the French doors and saw him. He sat alone at the patio table reading a magazine with a drink in his hand. With the cobalt sea behind him, he was the most beautiful picture I ever saw.
I tiptoed into the doorway of the patio and watched him. He twirled his hair around his finger while he read and I thought about the first time I met him. He caved my chest in when he smiled and when he spoke to me, he set me on fire like the Ecstasy did.
He looked up from his magazine and saw me. He put his finger on the place he was reading and looked at me. His face was tense and I wanted to run away.
“What are you doing over there, Beth?”
“Oh, just...nothing,” I said and took a step onto the terrace.
“How long have you been standing there?” he said.
“I just got out here, really. I didn't want to...”
He was already on to something else as he picked his finger up and looked back down at the page.
I stood there for a moment and debated whether I should go back inside or walk down to the beach. Maybe it would be better to go inside, I thought. Maybe he'd follow me there? Yes, I'd walk inside and saunter into the bedroom. He'd follow me, lay me on the soft, down canopied bed swathed in muslin and make love to me as the surf banged against the rocks below us. My pretty, melon-painted toes would be pointed above my head and he'd marvel at the luck of having a girlfriend with such well-tended toes.
That didn't happen.
Declan closed his magazine and took a sip of his drink. He stretched his long arms over his head and yawned. His robe came open and he stood from his chair. I put my hand on the door to the living room and he looked at me and shook his head.
“Still there?” he said and sat back down. “Come over here.”
I walked toward the table and stood across from him. I looked down at the ground and took a deep breath.
“I wanted to say that--”
“How are you feeling?” he said.
“Well, um, I don’t feel so hot. It’ not because I’m hung over, Declan. I feel terrible about what happened. I want this trip to go so well, I’m just terribly nervous. I want us to become closer and it seems that the more I try, the more I make a mess. I just like you so much, Declan and I want you to like me.”
“Yes, I know that you do, Beth,” he said as he glanced out at the sea, “which makes this further difficult.”
“What's difficult, Declan?” I said as my ears burned.
“Beth...” he said as he looked at me and tilted his head.
I wanted to change the subject and think of something else to bring up. Do a tap dance, tell a brilliantly funny joke, sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow. In Spanish. Anything to stop what he was thinking at that moment. Anything to stuff the words that were about to fall out of his mouth back down his throat.
And then I saw Ingrid across the terrace, floating in the pool, naked.
“Look, Beth,” he said and turned his magazine over and stared into my eyes, “you are an amazing person. Beautiful. Amazingly beautiful.”
I wanted to punch him in the side of the head f0r taking so long.
“What do you have to say, Declan? Whatever it is, just say it.”
“Okay,” he said as he ran his finger around the rim of the crystal goblet that held his scotch. “Look, this has run its course. The rat found the end of the maze, so to speak.”
“What?” I said and shook my head. “Rats and mazes and courses?”
“It's time for you to go home, Beth. It's just time for us to say goodbye,” he said and shook his head. “This is how it works in my world and it is what it is.”
“It is what it is? What are you, twelve? Just tell me what I did. I'll fix whatever you want. I had a bad reaction to the drugs last night, that’s all. Patrick said I should have taken two pills.”
“You didn't do anything, kiddo. It's not you, it's--”
“Me,” I said and looked at the ground.
“No, it's all me. I'm just not wired the way you want. This relationship thing is not for me.”
“But, I don't expect anything.”
“Oh, yes you do, Beth,” Declan said and smiled. “I know the way you're wired.”
He walked toward me slowly and I felt the panic come up from my stomach, through my heart and crackle up my neck. And with the panic, came the tears. I stared down at the red clay tiles and the floor blurred. His feet appeared in my field of vision and I wanted to die.
“Lift your head and look at me, Beth.”
I shook my head and he chuckled.
“Beth, you are being silly.”
Declan put his hands on the side of my neck and slid them up until they rested under my chin. He tilted my head up and as he did, the
tears spilled out from my eyes and slid down my face.
“Ah, girl,” he said and shook his head.
“But the song,” I said. “Every night for the past month you sang that song for me.”
He smiled as he brushed a piece of hair off my forehead.
“No, love. The first night, sure, I sang it for you, babe. But after that only because it caught on.”
“You dedicated it to me every night!”
“Yes, true. That is true,” he said and tilted his head as he stared into my eyes. “But after that first night, I wasn't going to do it again. Goddamn Alastair said I had to because it was received well.”
“Received...”
I swiped at the tears running down my face. I knew I wasn't the first girl who ever stood in that exact spot and received the same speech. Not by a long shot was I the first girl.
“Yeah, you know,” he said, “the kids loved it.”
“So it was for ratings...not me?”
“Yes, Beth. It's all about the ratings.”
“Don’t say that,” I said.
“What? Come on. This is my job. This is what I do. You know this.”
“You use people,” I said
“I wouldn't say that,” he said.
“I would...I did. You are cruel.”
“Not cruel, Beth. Honest.”
“But, you pursued me. I did not make all of this up in my head! Why didn’t you just leave me alone if you were going to do this to me? You should have just left me alone!”
“Beth,” he said and sighed, “you will soon see this is for the best.”
“It couldn't possibly ever be," I said as more tears came. “I loved--”
“Don't say it,” he said.
“Why, too honest?”
“No, too real.”
“What's wrong with real? I happen to like real! Is this because I wouldn’t have sex with you and her last night?” I said and looked over my shoulder at Ingrid. “I never said I wouldn’t, I was sick!”
“Beth, this is how my world, my life, flows. You are not that person.”
“You are acting like a fucking infant!”
“Why? It makes me an infant because I'm honest? Honesty is what you should appreciate. Honesty is the very thing that makes me a man and not an infant! Just because you don't like the message, doesn't mean I'm not being a man. Now, I've tired of this conversation. Everything that possibly could be said, was. Assunta changed your ticket and your boarding pass and bags will be by the door. Patrick will take you to the airport. I need to sleep.”