The Boy No One Loved

by Casey Watson

Justin shook his head, and then did something that shocked me to the core. He spread his arms and leaned in towards me for a hug. ‘I love you, Casey,’ he said, as I encircled him in my arms. ‘I do. I really love you, you know.’

  Unable to speak now, for fear of breaking down completely, I simply nodded and hugged him tightly till he released me, then left the room.

  By the time I was downstairs, my brain was whirring with it all. This was incredible progress. Progress, and also a real insight into more of Justin’s past. I must speak to John Fulshaw as soon as I could, I realised, while everything was really clear in my mind. At last I really felt we could do something to help Justin. But I got no further – my emotions were just too overwhelming to be tucked into a pocket in my mind, labelled ‘work’. So instead I just sat down and cried.

  Chapter 8

  It was the following Saturday morning and I was on pins.

  I’d had long conversations with both John Fulshaw and Harrison Green, filling them in about what Justin had told me, and even though I understood completely that this was my fundamental responsibility as a foster carer (and one I would never consider running away from), I still felt terribly anxious about the consequences when I explained to Justin that both of them would now want to talk to him too. It had to be done, of course: quite apart from the importance of this to Justin’s psychological progress, there were larger issues, too, not the least of which was the fact that Janice still had Justin’s two brothers with her, and was expecting another. Was she still a user? Was she still fraternising with abusers, come to that? And, crucially, would these revelations involve further investigation of her by social services? If that happened, she would know where the revelations had come from, further jeopardising their already fractured relationship. That, above all, made me feel terrible about it. For I felt sure what her response to him would be.

  So I felt bad. I had a powerful sense of just how big a thing it was for Justin – so private, so unable to get close to anyone, so mistrustful of the adult world – to open up to me, in many ways a stranger still myself, and to share his darkest, most painful memories. I had a strong hunch, despite my having pointed out that I’d have to share them, that he would see this as a major betrayal. And why wouldn’t he? He was eleven; how could he properly understand such things?

  And it would turn out that I was right to be so fearful.

  I’d elected to forgo a Saturday shopping trip with Riley (reluctantly, as quality ‘girly’ time with my daughter was, and is, one of my favourite things of all) so that I could be sure of having a period of time when Justin and I would be alone in the house. Mike always gave Kieron a lift to play football on Saturdays, and would stay to cheer him on from the sidelines.

  And now that time had come and I was as antsy as hell. ‘Come on you two,’ I nagged Kieron and Mike. All three of them were playing Football Manager on the Playstation – ‘boys’ together. As happy and relaxed a family scene as you could wish for. Justin had been in a good mood all morning, in fact, which made me feel more nervous still. ‘You’re going to be late for kick-off if you don’t hurry up. And that game –’ I pointed towards the TV and console – ‘will still be here when the two of you get back.’

  I was keen – we all were – that Justin get out and get more exercise, not only because he was carrying a few extra pounds, but also because we knew the emotional value of exercise; something which, for a stressed child with so many problems, such as Justin, could make a real difference to his mental state. And if he could find a sport or activity that he liked and had a flair for, it could provide a place in which he could channel his anger and aggression, and, who knew, if he worked at it, develop his self-esteem.

  But despite much encouragement from both Mike and Kieron, we’d yet to persuade Justin of the pleasures of the great outdoors. Mike joked that he was afraid to even go and watch a game, just in case somebody accidentally kicked a ball in his direction. Maybe we would convince him eventually, but right now the PlayStation and TV held much more attraction, as it often did for children with difficult backgrounds and few friends. Today, though, he seemed happy, grabbing the controller from Kieron and grinning. ‘Yeah, go on, you two,’ he agreed. ‘Leave this with me. I can make sure your teams lose so I go up the league.’

  ‘Muuuummmmm!’ Kieron whined at me. ‘Don’t let him do that! It took me ages to get up to that position!’

  I pulled a face at him. ‘Kieron, honestly. You are how old, exactly? C’mon Mike, love, take him away so he can play with the big boys!’

  With more ribbing and a touch more teasing from Justin, they were finally out of the front door and the house was still. Justin went back to the PlayStation and I decided to leave him for a short while, mostly so I could gather my own thoughts before confronting the unpalatable task I had in store.

  Fifteen minutes later, it being lunchtime, I decided to call him to the kitchen. I’d made us both sandwiches and put the plates on the table. He pulled out a chair, sat down and picked up his.

  ‘I was only messing about, Casey,’ he said to me, without prompting. ‘I won’t really mess up Kieron’s game.’

  I was touched at this. ‘I never thought you would, love. And nor did Kieron. Just a bit of fun, eh? Do you want a glass of milk?’

  He nodded, and remembered to swallow before replying. ‘Yes, please,’ he said. ‘And can I have some crisps, too? I’m starving.’

  ‘You’re always starving!’ I answered, going to the cupboard to get a packet. ‘I’d think something was seriously up if you weren’t!’ I came to the table then, sensing my moment. ‘By the way, love,’ I said lightly. ‘I’ve been meaning to tell you. You know the chat we had Thursday? You know, about your mum and stuff?’

  Silence. He just sat and stared at the sandwich, which he had just put back down on his plate. Shit, I thought. Shit. I should have left this till later. Give him a couple of days to regain his equilibrium. But I’d started now, so I’d have to see it through. ‘Well, the thing is,’ I went on, ‘you remember me telling you I’d have to speak to Harrison and John about some of it? Well, I’ve had a chat with them, because … well, because some of it’s kind of worrying, isn’t it, love? And they need to understand about some of the things that have happened to you so that they can help you too. As well as me …’ I stopped then. In fact, I was literally stopped in my tracks, because Justin was staring at me and his face had completely changed. Even though I knew that at any moment there’d be a huge eruption, I just couldn’t help but be mesmerised by his expression. I’d never seen anything quite like it – before or since. It was honestly like looking at one of those horror films, in which a human morphed into a werewolf in slow motion. His eyebrows lowered and seemed to merge into one long angry line, while his eyes darkened – really darkened; almost to black. His cheekbones became prominent and his mouth curled into a kind of sneer. I had to keep telling myself he’s just a child, he’s just eleven, that’s all – because it really was that chilling to observe.

  He slowly raised his head – here it comes, I thought, here it comes – placed both hands on the table, rose, and pushed his chair back.

  ‘Don’t worry, Justin,’ I tried. ‘They won’t tell anyone. It’s confidential. They won’t do anything to get you into trouble. You’re not in trouble. They just want to help you. We all do!’

  ‘You fucking bitch,’ he said quietly. In fact, his voice was astonishingly level. Even so, I knew this could very soon get ugly.

  ‘Justin,’ I said firmly. ‘Please don’t speak to me like that. You’ll lose points now, and that’s such a shame. You’ve done so well so far today.’ I was clutching at straws and I knew it.

  ‘Fuck the points,’ he growled at me. ‘And fuck you too. You said I could trust you!’

  ‘But you can!’

  ‘No I can’t! You’re a liar. A fucking liar! Why did you have to tell them? Why? I’m not staying here.’ He kicked the chair out of his way. ‘I’m not staying! You’re just like my moth
er!’

  He then grabbed his plate – smash. It hit the kitchen wall, hard, and I ducked out of the way simultaneously, instinctively, even though I could see that, thank God, he hadn’t actually aimed it at me. That sort of aggression, I reflected, even in the midst of what was happening, might have proved a step way too far to get back from. But then, I’d yet to know what was still to come.

  He started punching the table now, with clenched fists, making the rest of the things on it dance and clatter across the surface, like flotsam and jetsam on a stormy sea.

  I snatched up my own plate, before it too was smashed into pieces. ‘Justin!’ I had raised my voice now. I had to stay calm but in charge. ‘Go to your room until you’re calm! I will not speak to you while you’re reacting like this.’ I picked up his milk glass, as well. ‘I know you’re angry,’ I went on. ‘I understand that. And I’m sorry you feel that way, I really am. But I will not have you speaking or behaving in this manner. Go on!’ I finished, trying to inject my voice with maximum authority. ‘Move it, okay. Move it now!’

  Please, I thought, watching him decide whether to obey me. Please, I thought, don’t make this any worse. Just go. But I could sense his indecision so I rammed my point home again. ‘Justin, I am not going to talk to myself here! Room!’ I jabbed a finger towards the door. ‘Room, now!’

  That did it. He stormed to his room, slamming every door he walked through, screaming obscenities as he went.

  I touched my chest. My heart was pumping like a train. It was as if the whole fabric of the house was shuddering.

  After I’d cleared up the broken crockery and re-established some sort of order, I sat in the kitchen for some time, feeling terrible. I had had to tell – it was my job to pass on things like this – but I felt I’d gone about things all wrong. Surely I could have prepared Justin more, or found a better way to tell him what had had to happen. It really brought it home to me how much I still had to learn about this new career I’d chosen – Mike and I had both chosen – not to mention having a very stark and physical reminder of what an incredibly big and demanding job it was.

  I took a deep breath and stooped to collect a small piece of broken plate under the table, which I’d missed, surprised to see that I was physically shaking. In all my time in the school unit, I’d never felt quite so vulnerable and shaken up. How the hell had an eleven-year-old reduced me to this? I reached for my cigarettes on autopilot and went outside to light one. But I couldn’t because my hands wouldn’t stay still long enough to make the lighter work.

  How could this be? I had worked with some of the most difficult children for years, and I tried hard to look back and think of a comparable event. I was angry with myself, and with the situation too. It seemed that the one time, in fact, the first time, that I had an ‘in’ to Justin, I’d had to – through no fault of my own – then destroy it. Yes, it was the protocol, but it was bloody hard to swallow, and I wasn’t sure I trusted the protocol any more.

  It took me a long time to calm down, and once I had, I tried to call Mike, but he obviously had no signal at the football ground because his phone was going straight to voicemail. I knew he wouldn’t be back till teatime either, and I wasn’t sure what to do. I thought about asking Riley to come over but I was worried that might just make Justin worse.

  I spent some time feeling completely undecided, just standing in the conservatory, smoking, staring out into the garden. Should I go up to him and see if he’d calmed down, or should I not? In the end, I opted not to because I thought it might just exacerbate the situation and ignite a further confrontation. I was also nervous and wary about facing him again, alone. He’d scared me quite a bit and I had knots in my stomach just thinking about going up there. Best to just leave him and hope he stayed put and had calmed down by the time Mike got home.

  In the meantime, I needed to get on with something, so after I’d cleared the last of the mess up and binned the remains of Justin’s sandwich, I set about preparing that evening’s tea. I’d planned home-made chicken korma with rice – one of Kieron’s favourites, and now methodically pulled the ingredients from the fridge. Chicken breasts, peppers, onions and garlic, all of which I assembled and started chopping and crushing. It was strangely therapeutic, doing this rhythmic, mindless task and, minute by minute, I felt the tension in my shoulders begin to ease. I even began to wonder, as I steadily grew calmer, if perhaps I was over-reacting to what had just happened. After all, I had expected an outburst from him hadn’t I? And maybe it was justified, too.

  I’d been at it for about half an hour when Justin suddenly reappeared in the kitchen, startling me, as I hadn’t heard him come down the stairs. He said nothing; just took up his place at the table once more. Taking his lead, I decided to say nothing either. I just smiled but he immediately turned his face away.

  It seemed he was determined to get my attention, for all that, because he began tapping cutlery against the table top. Not for long though; he soon tired of that, and got up once again – coming over quite close beside me, at the worktop. Here he picked up the flat knife – the one I’d just used to crush the garlic cloves – and started running it up and down the worktop. He then put it down and went over to the cooker, where the frying pan of chicken was sizzling. Now he picked up the wooden spoon that was resting in the pan and began tapping it rhythmically against the side of it. The growing tension was once again almost palpable.

  ‘Can you stop doing that please, Justin?’ I asked him levelly. But he ignored me and simply carried on. I left it for a minute then asked him again. ‘Justin, can you please stop that?’ I repeated, this time more firmly. But once again he carried on regardless.

  I was well aware something was building again, but was entirely unprepared for what happened next. Even before I could properly see what was happening, Justin suddenly lunged for my knife block, grabbed a knife out of it, then leapt up, in a single bound, onto the worktop.

  Both astonished at his agility – so much for his apparent lack of athleticism – and also terrified, as he was now towering over me, I watched horrified as he brandished it, his face set in that scary rictus mask again, screaming obscenities at me and becoming more and more incoherent, as the words tumbled out – he hated me, he was going to stab me, I was a fucking crap mother. But when he yelled that I preferred the dog to him, it really brought me up short – we didn’t own one – and I realised he was talking as if he was confusing me with his mother. I wasn’t even sure he was fully compos mentis at that moment, and I knew I had to think fast, and on my feet.

  ‘Put the knife down,’ I said firmly. ‘Justin, just put the knife down.’ But he was almost blue in the face now, and I could see he wasn’t hearing me. He had completely zoned out and gone to that other place. It was then, in a flash, that I had an idea. One that definitely wasn’t by the book. Not any foster-carer’s handbook I’d ever seen, anyway.

  Having considered two things – that Justin had picked up the smallest knife in the block, and also his great love of films, and one film in particular – I lunged myself for the biggest one, which I whipped from its slot and brandished every bit as menacingly as he had.

  Then, in my very best Australian accent, I said, ‘Call that a knife? That’s not a knife. This is a knife!’ And then paused, my breath held waiting for his response.

  He just stared, now stock still, looking incredulously at me, then, to my mingled shock and immense relief, he burst out laughing.

  Astonished almost as much as I had been thirty seconds earlier, there was a second or two when I had no idea how I should react, and then it came to me; I smiled, and then I laughed along with him. ‘Now get down from there, you little madhead!’ I admonished, still grinning. ‘And put your pathetic excuse for a knife back as well!’

  Incredibly, he did both things without a murmur.

  I still felt shaky, and also slightly stunned by what had happened. Who’d have thought I’d end up diffusing a dangerous situation by using a line out of Crocodi
le Dundee?

  We did manage to talk about what happened, in the end. Seizing the initiative – and what felt like at least a version of the upper hand – I then changed my mind and suggested he might like to help me, and put the knife to better (and slightly less terrifying) use by chopping some tomatoes and cucumber for a salad. After all, I pointed out, if he loved food so much, it made sense for him learn how to feed himself properly. I even pointed out, remembering Mike’s words about Justin’s view of ‘women’s work’, that some of the best chefs in the world had started out by helping in the kitchen, just like this. And as we worked, and I felt it safe to broach it again, I talked about the different jobs that people had to do: some people were chefs, other people were policemen, and some people – me and Mike being a good example – had decided to make their job one of helping children. Children like him who had had bad things happen, and who needed lots of love and care to help them feel better about things.

  I explained again about the reality of my situation; that as his carer, I worked with other people, and had rules I had agreed to, and one of those rules was that I mustn’t keep secrets. Just like chefs had to obey all sorts of rules about hygiene in the kitchen, so that the people who ate their food didn’t get sick, so I had to follow the rules I had been given. Which weren’t put there to hurt him – absolutely the opposite. I had people who were there to support us – us and him – but who could only do so if I told them the truth. Which meant I had no choice – none at all – but to do as I had done.

  He seemed to digest all this, nodding at intervals as he stood and chopped beside me, and I felt so much happier that he’d taken it on board now. Even so, I wasn’t stupid, and knew he still felt hurt and betrayed. You could be given all the explanations in the world, after all, but you couldn’t just conveniently switch your feelings off, could you?

  ‘And there’s nothing you can do about it,’ Mike reminded me that night, as once again I lay in bed, fretting. ‘All you can do is to keep doing what you’re doing, love. You’ve made progress. He’ll get over this blip. You’ll keep making progress.’