Now she only wondered what evidence he had to make him think such things. The time had come to approach her husband and finally have a clear conversation. Firming her resolve, she opened the door to the sitting room.
*****
Darcy had never hated himself more. It did not matter that he was innocent of seducing Elizabeth; how many times had he imagined it? For weeks now, he had been convinced of his faulty pride and selfishness. Of course, Elizabeth had not liked him then. He gave her no reason to!
His sweet Elizabeth must have only accepted his proposal out of concern for her reputation, that he had taken too many liberties with her. Any hope of earning her love vanished. His greatest fears were coming true.
The silence, or what he thought was silence, remained between them for several minutes. He looked up and was alarmed to see she had left the room. Believing she must have fled to her chambers, he went upstairs and approached the door connected to their sitting room. She did not answer, but he could hear her weeping. After several minutes, her rejection of him settled in, and he sat on a sofa to consider matters.
Many things now made sense to Darcy. He must have returned to the library to retrieve Elizabeth’s handkerchief, which he had found earlier in the day and never had any intention of returning to her, and brought the brandy decanter with him to his room. From there, things took their usual course.
Elizabeth’s first refusal now made perfect sense. Mr. Bennet, and later Mr. Gardiner, must have known the truth from Elizabeth. The situation with all the other proposals in the area due to Mr. Black’s sermon must have assured them that Elizabeth’s virtue was still intact. Even Bingley confessed the sermon as his cause for proposing to Jane.
Attempting to recall his conversation with Mr. Bennet, Darcy was rather sure he never plainly spoke of his perception of that evening. Instead, he confessed he had never even had such thoughts of another lady. That was why the older gentlemen did not treat him with the harshness they treated Bingley after the ball!
Elizabeth could not be with child. Darcy blushed deeply. He had a rudimentary knowledge and recalled Mrs. Bennet’s words on Elizabeth’s delayed courses. Now the blood on their bed linens made sense as well.
How could he have thought she would be vulnerable to his arts? How insulting to her!
For weeks, he wrestled with disbelieving he had acted so ungentlemanly and was always careful to take the blame, but he did not consider how demeaning the very idea of it would be to her. If he had believed himself immoral, then surely she presumed he believed her equally so.
That was certainly far from the truth. He had made a terrible presumption in her regard for him at the time. He had convinced himself that he had proposed, and their affection and passion mutually, and naturally, grew from that moment. It was not strictly proper, but he had not believed she consented to a meaningless encounter. Certainly nothing she expressed since their engagement was improper. He hoped she would believe him when they spoke again, for now he could clearly see the hurt he had caused her.
He sat in silence for nearly an hour, praying for her forgiveness, when the door to the sitting room opened. She sat next to him, and he tentatively took her hand.
“William, I need to know how you could believe this of us.”
“Us?”
“Yes, us. I am hurt you could believe it of me but shocked you could believe it of yourself.”
“I could not remember what passed that night. I awoke with some blood on my bed linens, along with your bloodied handkerchief. I remembered meeting you in the library. I knew what my thoughts tended to before you entered. I had been drinking and believed my senses were addled. Then when I met you the next morning, you were hurt somehow. I still have not made sense of that, although I have made sense of the handkerchief.”
“A step was damaged on the stairwell, and I twisted my ankle.”
“The same place you stumbled into my arms just before leaving?”
“Yes. You had thought I was with child, did you not?”
Darcy shook his head in self-reproach. “I overheard your mother speaking to Mrs. Gardiner. She was convinced it was so.”
“I believe you are too honourable to seduce any lady. You have overcome temptation before.”
“I assure you, there was nothing honourable about my thoughts. Other ladies have attempted to entrap me, and I have felt desire in moments of infatuation but never succumbed. My feelings for you were well beyond that, and I made no attempt at stopping my thoughts; I indulged them as often as I could. I should have offered you marriage based on them alone.”
Elizabeth gasped at his confession.
“Please, Elizabeth.” Darcy knelt before her. “Please, listen to me. I never thought you wanton. My lustful thoughts were not because of your behaviour in any way. I resolved long ago to have no woman but my wife, and the only reason I thought myself capable of this sin was my desire to have you, not just in my bed, but always at my side.”
“Did you believe we were committed to each other?”
“Yes, I could never dishonour you, even in my thoughts. In my heart, marriage is what I most desired.”
“You would propose marriage in...in your thoughts?”
“Yes.”
“Do I understand from your meaning that we would anticipate our vows?” He blushed and looked away. “And you still try to tell me you respected me and did not think me immodest?”
“I know my thoughts were ungentlemanly, but they were not a reflection of you. I saw only what I wished to see. I rationalised you must have cared deeply for me, and once we were betrothed, however recently, our mutual regard overtook our good sense. Can you ever forgive me?”
“But you did truly desire to marry me?”
“More than anything, until I realised I loved you. I believed only you could bring me happiness. It took me some time to realise that feeling was a true, deep love. Now I only wish you could return the feelings.”
“But I do love you!” she blurted.
He shook his head. “No, do not pretend with me. You could not possibly love me, not now. Not after the hurtful things I have believed of you.”
Holding his face with her hands, she looked at him in earnest. “Is there anything I could say or do that would kill your love for me?”
“No, but it is not the same. I have known I loved you for weeks; I have loved you for even longer. Your feelings are too new, built upon a falsely good impression of me.”
“It is not the same, but it is similar. I doubted your honour and believed you would say one thing to me and feel another way. After I swore to trust you and vowed to never hurt you! I was only shocked and hurt. I know my own mind and my own heart. I love you, not because I believe you are perfect, but because I see you are the very best of men. You are too harsh on yourself. We recently discussed all men are created equal. Did not Jane and Bingley indulge in the very acts you believed we had?
“I allowed you some liberties, and I felt nothing but trust and affection. I cannot say what might have happened had you... had we been carried away by our passions. I was very quickly becoming aware of feelings for you. I cannot condemn you for concluding what I do not know for certain would not have happened.”
“Elizabeth, I cannot concede that,” Darcy said vehemently. “You would have refused me even if I proposed marriage! No matter how run away you were with feeling that night, I have seen you struggle to sensibly determine your feelings for me. My vain pretensions refused to see how your feelings have grown. Instead, I believed you regarded me then as highly as I did you and were only slow to allow it to develop into love. You would not have accepted my proposal until you were more assured of my character, and without the proposal, you certainly would never welcome those kinds of attentions.”
“Perhaps, but without this misunderstanding, would you have proposed?”
Darcy was silent for a moment. “I loved you, even if I did not know it. I would have offered for you eventually.”
�
�Aha! Eventually. Who knows what may have arisen? Mother was pushing me towards Mr. Collins, and you have already pointed out I might have married anyone else long before now.”
“You never would have agreed to marry him!”
“Not in present circumstances, but nothing in life is guaranteed. You know this very well. I might have woken up one morning and found Papa dead. I would have had an obligation to my family then. You might have left Netherfield. What if Bingley never offered for Jane and gave up the estate? How would you ever find me again?”
He stood and gathered her in his arms. “I told you once before that I was always meant to find you, and this morning, I told you I would never let you go. You are mine, and I am yours.”
“Yes, that is all that matters now. Everything has nourished our love.”
He kissed her with gentleness. “Darling, I can never forgive myself for the grief I put you through due to my arrogance. I scarcely entertained any other idea but that I seduced you, I think because then I knew I had to marry you, and I could never talk myself out of it. It was the only way I could allow myself to marry you with all my pride.” He paused for a moment before adding gravely, “I confessed it all to Bingley. I will have to explain my mistake. How can you ever forgive me? What a fool I was to share something that could only serve to blacken your name to another!”
Elizabeth hushed his lips with her fingers. “No more. Tell him if you wish, but I do not care what he or others think of me. I only care for your opinion. I love you.”
Darcy broke into a wide grin. “I love you.” Instead of a passionate kiss, he touched their foreheads together.
“Now I am very tired and would like a tour of our rooms again.” Elizabeth arched a brow and Darcy smiled.
He scooped her into his arms, making her squeal, and carried her back to her chambers. There were blushes and some fumbling as they undressed each other, but the look in their eyes showed their mutual trust and love. At last, they lay in their bed, stripped of their final barriers, and pulled each other close.
That night, Elizabeth could only laugh at herself over the thought that her response to Darcy’s touch was anything other than love. Darcy’s last thought before sleep was that he was an utter fool to ever think he could forget his first night spent in passion with Elizabeth.
* * *
1 Darcy chose an excerpt of “A Phantom of Delight” by William Wordsworth.
Chapter Twenty
“At last, our guests have left,” Darcy said as he pulled Elizabeth into an embrace in Pemberley’s main hall in early January.
They had just seen off the Sidneys and Georgiana. They were leaving for the family’s estate for another week before journeying to London. Darcy and Elizabeth were to leave in the morning to visit Hertfordshire for several days. Caroline Bingley and Mr. Collins were to be married as well as Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Samuel Long. Elizabeth frowned in consideration.
“Tell me that you have not tired of me already,” he teased.
“No, I am only thinking how different Hertfordshire shall be.”
“You mean the people, I presume.” She nodded and Darcy stroked her cheek.
“I recall you once arguing that although a country town was a confined and unvarying society, the people changed often enough to provide a thorough study of human character.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “I said that only to quiet Mama.” Darcy raised an eyebrow and Elizabeth sighed. “And perhaps to vex you. I do not actually believe people change very much, especially without a serious impetus.”
Darcy smiled. “There is a part of you that cannot resist disagreeing just for the sake of an argument.”
“I believe the London drawing rooms call that being a good conversationalist.”
Darcy nodded before quickly kissing her lips. “That is why you will be a sensational hit, and I will be as dull as ever.” She smiled, at last. “However, I will not allow you to change the subject. What do you fear about returning to Hertfordshire?” He dropped his voice, “Is it the rumours about our wedding, because of my misapprehension?”
“No, I do not worry about that in the least.” She tugged his hand to lead him to their chambers. She waited until they were cuddled in bed to speak. It was only the afternoon, but they had taken to resting together as frequently as possible, frequently much more than resting as well. With her head resting on Darcy’s shoulder, she found strength to confess her worries.
“I am so happy Charlotte is marrying for affection. You know, only a few weeks ago, she counselled me to snatch up any man.”
“Oh, I see. You regret you did not listen and instead were stuck with me.” He smiled.
Elizabeth laughed. “You have become quite the tease lately. I knew you could be witty, but it has been an unexpected surprise to see this side of you.”
Darcy lifted one of Elizabeth’s hands to his lips. “I did not know I could be so...”
“Happy?”
Darcy eagerly nodded. “Yes, happy.”
Elizabeth gazed into his eyes. “I am glad I make you so happy, but I think you always had this shade in your character. Your friends and family are all lively. You could never have liked me if you did not have a taste for the ridiculous.”
Darcy still held her hand and now kissed her palm. “Yes, you taste delicious, but I believe you were telling me about Miss Lucas and marriages for affection.”
“You will not let me avoid this, will you?”
“No, darling. Unburden yourself.”
Elizabeth smiled as she felt her heart swell. He truly cherished her. “I only regret that Miss Bingley is forced to wed my cousin. I know she seemed to care little about affection, but I am mortified for her.”
Darcy laughed. “I did not tell you? I expressed a similar concern, and my uncle assures me that she appeared to quite enjoy the kiss.”
“No!” Elizabeth cried in disbelief. “Your uncle must be confused. What man thinks a lady does not enjoy their kisses?”
“As my uncle was the only witness, I assure you that he would have been more than willing to speak up if he believed Miss Bingley was in any way an unwilling participant, and there would then be no issue at stake. No one would dare speak otherwise.”
“It is nearly unfathomable.”
“I cannot pretend I understand her mind. She did think I would offer for her, after all.”
“Yes, it seems many ladies have believed that!”
“Except you,” he said.
“I hoped Mama’s nerves would calm after Jane and I married, but now she is so worried about Miss Bingley becoming the mistress of Longbourn. Jane writes that she meddles at Netherfield frequently and is already after Mary to find a husband. Mama writes to me how she cannot wait to show me off as Mrs. Darcy. She did not get to do much before the wedding, and the neighbourhood has seen Jane for weeks now.” She suddenly ceased her rambling.
“Do you worry about my reaction? I managed Bingley and Jane’s wedding.”
“This is for a whole week, not a mere day. I cannot help but think about the difference in your relations and mine, having just spent several weeks with them.”
“Do you not recall Lady Catherine and Anne?”
“Anne is unwell.”
“Lady Catherine certainly knows better.”
“She was a concerned mother.”
“Is not yours as well?”
“Why should she still be concerned?” she asked with no small amount of hurt in her voice.
“Why should Lady Catherine think the only way to secure her daughter was through a marriage with me? Why should I think that you would come to my bed before marriage? We cannot always see things clearly when confused or hurt.”
Elizabeth slowly nodded, then kissed Darcy deeply.
“What was that for?”
“For being so sensible and patient with me. I suppose she may need time to adjust to the changes.”
Darcy stroked Elizabeth’s cheek. “Even if she does not, she is your mothe
r and due my respect. Bingley and I will speak to your father about the eventuality of his demise. And would you prefer to invite Mary with us to London? I know you are getting along well with Georgiana, but she cannot accompany us to events, and Laura will not be attending many in her condition. I know Jane will be there, but I thought you would like another friendly face.”
“Oh! I would love that! I do not know if she will agree, but thank you!” She kissed him again.
When she released his lips, he grinned. “I quite enjoy your thanks.” He fingered the necklace she still wore, a token of their marriage given to her the day after they arrived at Pemberley. “I believe I have earned your gratitude more with those words than when I gave you Mother’s jewels.”
She rested a palm on his cheek and looked him intently in the eyes. “I care not for your wealth and jewels. You love me. You honour and respect me and my family. That is the greatest gift I could ever want. My love is all I can give in return, but I will give it freely and as often as possible.” She then eagerly showed him the depth of her feelings.
*****
Three days later, Elizabeth sat uncomfortably in Netherfield’s drawing room with her mother, sister, Miss Bingley, and Mrs. Hurst. There was the unexpected presence of Lady Catherine to add to her anxieties. Finally, a maid brought in a tray of refreshments, and Elizabeth nearly sighed in relief. Although they could not all talk, they could all eat. Jane reached for a lemon biscuit, and upon taking one bite, immediately fled the room. Her mother ran after her. Upon her arrival the night before, Jane had confided in Elizabeth her suspicions that she was already with child.
Lady Catherine watched the scene with raised eyebrows. She opened her mouth to speak, but the housekeeper came in. “Miss Bingley, Cook needs to speak with Mrs. Bingley...”
Lady Catherine immediately stood. “I will speak with this cook.” She then walked to the door.
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