Sawyer leaned over her shoulder and pointed across the room. “There’s Lucas.”
She’d just spent an hour spilling her demons to the good doctor, and now she’d have to find more strength to deal with Lucas. She debated leaving for all of one second, but she couldn’t refuse her brother’s beaming smile from across the shop. None of this was his fault. He didn’t deserve the way she’d treated him.
Sawyer nudged her forward. “Go on. I’ll get something for us.”
Her feet froze to the floor. What could she say to Lucas? Yes, he was the oldest and the protector of the family, but she had to protect him from the ugliness of who she really was. Despite that, she could still rebuild the relationships she’d thrown away during her time with Shane.
She plunked into the chair beside Lucas and rested her head on his shoulder. His warmth immediately surrounded her, soothed her. Whenever she’d mentioned her family around Shane, he’d yelled and spit at her about her brothers and her parents—underscoring the fact that her father wasn’t her real father. But that wasn’t Lucas, Michael, or Joey’s fault. She shouldn’t have pulled back from them just because she was afraid they’d discover her secret.
“I’m so sorry.”
Lucas’s arm came around her. “For what? You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yes, I do. I cut everyone out of my life. I shouldn’t have.”
“Oh, honey. That wasn’t you.”
“The thing is, for a while, I became that person. I had to.”
“You’re not that person anymore. I know it. A bit of the old Rachel broke through the other night. And a whole lot of her is sitting beside me right now.”
“Thanks.”
He quirked an eyebrow at her, asking without words the question she’d answered a thousand times already. “I’m doing okay. Yesterday was a rough day. I went back to work… then Sawyer told me Shane got out on bail.”
Lucas’s fists curled on the table. She wasn’t surprised at his response, but for the first time in a while, the sight didn’t cause her gut to churn. “I heard. We’ll all keep an eye out. He isn’t going to get close to you again. I promise.”
She laid her hand over Lucas’s fist. “I hope not… but if the jerk does, I’ll be okay. Shane doesn’t have power over me anymore.” That idea sounded good in principal but what had she done to protect herself other than leave. She’d have to consider what else she could do to pacify the churn that lingered.
“That’s great.” He relaxed his hands and brought his mug to his mouth. “Damn, Emma makes good coffee.”
“So, what are you doing here in the middle of the day?”
“Sarah and Lily went to Philly to visit Sarah’s sister. The house was too quiet.”
Sarah had wiped the permanent scowl off his face and brought happiness into his life again. Not so long ago, Lucas had reveled in alone time. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Fire away.” He chuckled at his lame excuse for a joke. “Get it, fire away? I used to be a firefighter.”
Yeah, he wasn’t nearly as funny as he thought he was. “It’s about that. For a long time, you seemed, um, sad. But you’re not anymore.”
“Are you asking how I got from there to here?”
“Yeah, I guess I am.”
“It was gradual. One day, I just looked back and thought, ‘Hey, I’m not that person anymore’. You know Shawn, my friend who died in a fire? After he died, I was really messed up. I finally saw a shrink and she helped me see things in a better way.”
“A counselor?”
He nodded and took another sip of coffee. “Dr. James. She’s the department shrink. I fought it tooth and nail at first because I didn’t want to talk to people. When I stopped fighting the memories she made me think about and analyze, I was able to get past the grief and put the negative thoughts behind me.”
“The sheriff referred me to Dr. James, too.” If Lucas trusted the good doctor, maybe she was worth the time.
“She’s really good. I still have a session once in a while—when we have an especially bad call at the station. She helps keep me grounded. Sarah, too.” He smiled. Lucas was happy and that made Rachel happy.
She glanced toward the counter. Sawyer had stepped to the side, waiting for their order. He smiled at her, one that lit his eyes.
“Is he being good to you? Taking care of you?”
She faced her oldest brother. “Things are good. And he isn’t taking care of me. I’m finding the strength to take care of myself again. He’s only giving me a safe space to do that.” Yeah, that’s right. I am strong. Or at least, I’m getting stronger. I don’t need anyone taking care of me. I just needed a chance to realize that for myself.
“Good. I’m glad.” He covered her hand with his. “There’s one more thing. Mom and Dad want to see you. They were really hurt when you wouldn’t let them come to the hospital.”
“I know. I’m almost there. There are other things going on. Things with Mom and Dad. Our relationship isn’t like yours.”
“Of course not. You’re a different person. No matter what, you’re my sister and I love you. You’re their daughter and they love you—”
She shook her head.
“They love you. I don’t know what happened, but you need to fix it. I want my family back. My whole family.”
“A latte and a double-chocolate chip brownie—your favorite.” Sawyer slid her coffee cup under her nose and set the dessert between them before easing into the chair beside her. “Lucas.”
“Sawyer.” Lucas’s lips pursed into a straight line.
There was that protective streak again. When would they learn? Maybe they earned the right to be more protective because of Shane, but Sawyer was their friend. They didn’t need to treat him this way. “Behave, Lucas.”
“I’m behaving. But I reserve the right to exert big brother prerogative…”
She smacked his arm. “I’m not sixteen anymore. I don’t need my brothers sitting on the porch, scaring my dates away.”
Lucas chuckled. “Yeah, okay, maybe we did that some. But you’ll always be that girl to me, no matter what.”
Lucas stood and extended his hand to Sawyer. “Listen, I’m gonna take advantage of Sarah and Lily being gone to catch up on some things at the station. Take care of her, okay?”
Sawyer nodded and took Lucas’s hand. “You know I will. Good to see ya, Lucas.”
After he and Sawyer shook, Lucas wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “See ya later, kiddo. Don’t forget, Sunday dinner. Think about it.”
Chapter Thirteen
RACHEL STARED AT the door long after Lucas left. Her eyes glazed over and she bit her bottom lip. What Sawyer wouldn’t give to kiss that lip, to suck it between his, a long, deep, slow kiss.
Rachel cleared her throat. “I can hear your mind racing.”
When had Rachel turned around? And had she caught him staring at her? “Huh, what?”
She tapped him on the nose like one of her brothers. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.”
Lucas’s words to Rachel hung in the air. He was right. Rachel needed to reach out to her Mom and Dad. Whatever the issues between her and her parents, that might be the key to everything that happened since then. If only she’d open up to him.
He dug a spoon into the brownie and brought a bite to his mouth. He longed to talk about Robert’s pronouncement, and the continued glares from Leon Watkins. That should be a safe topic to discuss with Rachel. “The sheriff’s retiring.”
“Oh wow. When? He’s been your friend for a long time, right?”
Sawyer shoveled another bite into his mouth. “Yep. He took me under his wing after my parents died. He’s the one that supported me when I went in the army and helped get me home when my grandmother died. He offered me a spot on his staff when I returned from Afghanistan. I owe him a lot.” Robert had even stayed at Sawyer’s house when the nightmares and flashbacks were at their worst. Back then, if a car backfired or there had been a
tense situation at work, he’d have a nightmare. Robert had rammed right through the walls Sawyer built to keep everyone at arm’s length, seeing him through that rough time and sharing about his own struggles after Vietnam. Back then they hadn’t even known what PTSD was, but Robert had a classic case. Sawyer owed everything good in his life to Robert.
“So what happens now?”
Sawyer shoved another bite in his mouth and the light pastry stuck to his throat. “I’m going to run for sheriff.” He reached for his coffee to wash down the gooey chocolate.
“Really?” A huge smile lit her face. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you.”
“It’s going to change things a little. I’m going to have to spend more hours out of the house. I’m going to have to…” Oh geez, the word was like day-old coffee on his tongue. “… campaign. I won’t be there for you as much.”
“Don’t worry about me. I appreciate everything you’re doing for me, but I need to learn how to stand on my own. I’m doing better every day—”
“Yes. You’re doing great.”
She waved her hand between them. “This, us, me taking over your house, can’t go on forever. Eventually I need to let you get on with your life.”
An even stronger bitterness filled his mouth. She was already thinking about leaving? He spent every day trying to strip down the walls around his heart and let her in. Protecting Rachel, he had no problem with. But she deserved more. He just wasn’t sure he could be that person.
He knew for sure that if she left, he’d never find another woman worthy of letting go of his fears. “I like you in my house. I don’t want you to feel pressured to make a change just because you think something should change.”
“I appreciate that.”
He sipped his coffee and crumbled a bit of brownie between his fingers. That part of the conversation had gone well. This next part would be harder for her. “So… there’s something else. Your family.”
“You mean my meddling brothers. They mean well, I guess. I love them, but really, the big brother act has gotten old. You don’t need to worry about Lucas.”
Sure, they may treat her like just their little sister, but she was so much more—a young, vibrant woman with her own dreams and goals. If she let him, Sawyer would help her find those dreams again. “Lucas and Joey can’t help it. If I had a little sister, I’d be the same way. But I didn’t mean them. This is about your parents.”
The smile fell from her face.
He sipped his coffee. This was a touchy subject and if he said the wrong thing, she might retreat. He made sure to use his gentlest voice. “They want to see you and you need to take that first step. I know there’s something going on. Don’t you think it would help to talk? Then you can put everything negative in your life behind once and for all and move forward.”
“There’s so much you don’t understand, Sawyer.”
He covered her hand. When would she trust him enough to share her secrets? What did she hide in that folder from the trailer? “I know, honey. I’m here when you’re ready to tell me. If you aren’t ready, I’m here for you either way. But I think you ought to go to dinner on Sunday. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah.” She picked at her fingers, working a cuticle loose. “I’m afraid.”
“Of what? Your parents love you.”
“Not enough.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”
He’d drop the issue for now, but he wouldn’t forget. Her comments revealed a bit of what was running through her mind. Maybe he could noodle out a few more details later. “Fair enough. If it’ll help, I can go with you on Sunday.”
“You would?” She stopped picking at her nail and glanced up, her eyes brightening a little.
Didn’t she realize he’d do anything for her? “Absolutely. Besides, that’s one less meal I’d have to cook.”
When she slyly grinned and smacked him across the shoulder, his insides warmed. Mission accomplished. She’d stopped brooding.
“Hey, I do my fair share of cooking.” She waggled a spoon at him.
“Yes, you do. Why do you think I keep you around?” He may joke about something frivolous, but how long could they really go on like this, playing house while she healed and he tried like hell to let her in?
They sat a bit longer, the conversation shifted to a movie they’d watched a few nights ago.
After they ate the last of the brownie, they headed back to the car where he’d parked it after dropping her off for her session. As soon as they stepped outside, Sawyer’s nerves prickled. Something wasn’t right. He placed his hand on Rachel’s lower back to keep her close, but there was more to his gesture. She grounded him, kept him calm, when the world around him spun out of control.
He scanned his surroundings, an instinct he’d honed that served him well. A few families played in the park across the street. Only a handful of cars lined the curb in front of the shops. The weather was beautiful and many chose an easy walk to town instead of driving. A group of firefighters and paramedics, Lucas among them, stood around and laughed in front of the fire station on the corner. Nothing appeared out of place, but something still niggled at Sawyer.
Maybe he was oversensitive after everything that had happened the past few days. That didn’t stop him from pulling Rachel a little closer as they walked to his cruiser parked in front of the sheriff’s department.
“NO! STOP!”
Rachel’s screams, mingled with Chloe’s barks dragged Sawyer from a restless sleep. He yanked the handgun from beneath his pillow where he’d kept it after Shane had made bail.
His bare feet smacked the hardwood floor as he ran down the hall. Just a few more steps. No one would get to Rachel, not on his watch. She should have gone to the shelter where they had security systems and full-time monitors. He’d been selfish to keep her here.
He burst into Rachel’s room and smacked the ceiling light on.
The thin sheet covered Rachel’s body. She’d stopped screaming but her head still thrashed back and forth. Chloe snapped her jaw shut when she saw Sawyer and laid her head down, her eyes locked on Rachel. What had Rachel so upset?
He snatched open the closet door. Empty. He peered under the bed. Nothing. He would have seen if anyone had darted out her door. A quick check of the window confirmed it was locked.
He heaved a huge breath. Nobody here. His heart thudded heavily in his chest. Rachel’s movements had calmed but the moans continued.
Sawyer ran his fingers through Chloe’s fur. Thank goodness she slept in Rachel’s bedroom now. Chloe was as much a comfort to Rachel now as his loyal dog had been to Sawyer when he returned from Afghanistan. Chloe hadn’t turned away from Rachel since he tore into the room. “Good girl.”
After placing his weapon on the dresser, he eased onto the edge of the bed.
“Rachel,” he whispered. The nightmare had scared her enough, she didn’t need him startling her, too. He understood. He’d had enough of his own nightmare-ridden nights.
She moaned. Shaking her shoulder, he leaned forward and said her name again. “Rachel, honey, wake up.”
Her eyes shot open and darted back and forth. Sweat coated her face, her hairline damp. Her chest quickly rose and fell with her rapid breathing.
“It’s okay. It’s me. You’re in my house, and you’re okay.”
“Saw- Sawyer…?” As her eyes focused, she balled up against his chest and dug her nails into his back. He rubbed her back in a steady circular motion. Finally, her breathing calmed and she stopped trembling.
“Tell me about it.”
“I was back there. In the trailer. Shane had a gun. He pointed it at me. He pointed and…” She rubbed her face against his chest.
“Oh, honey.” His hand continued its steady path as she spoke. He could relate. This was why he slept alone. While his own nightmares didn’t occur regularly anymore, they were random enough for him to keep anywhere he sle
pt off-limits to other people. Until Rachel, he hadn’t had a woman in the house overnight since he’d been back from Afghanistan. He couldn’t bear witnesses to his own nightmares. Bystanders to his guilt.
His weapon sat on the dresser. Would it frighten Rachel if she knew he kept a piece under his pillow? She knew he had weapons in the house, but he’d never told her he kept it out of the gun safe after Shane had made bail.
“But he didn’t shoot me. He shot you.” Again, she wiggled closer against him. Her arms wrapped around him so tight that he struggled to pull in a breath.
Of course he’d become part of her fear. “I’m so sorry. You’re safe here. Shane can’t get to you or me.”
“I know that, at least on the surface. But awful things happen in my dreams, and I can’t stop them. I have to stand by and watch them happen.”
“What other awful things?”
Her breath tickled his bare chest and he talked himself down. Now was not the time for him to be thinking of her in any way but platonic. He kept holding her, stroking her hair and whispering, “It’s okay,” repeatedly until her soft, sleek body melted against him. Her breathing evened and her body grew heavy.
He wormed his way from beneath her and swung his feet to the floor.
“Don’t go.”
“Honey, you were falling asleep. I was just going to lie you back down.”
“I want you to stay. Please.”
When she looked up at him, eyes pleading, he had no choice. “Give me one second.”
He grabbed his weapon from the dresser and rushed down the hall. A minute later, he locked the piece in the gun safe in his nightstand and headed back down to her room. When he reached it, he switched off the light and nudged Chloe to the floor. “I’ve got her now, girl. Thanks for watching out for my Rachel.”
He slid into the bed beside Rachel, face to face. Her legs intertwined with his so he could barely tell where she left off and he started. With her cheek and hand over his heart, could she feel it thumping in his chest? It beat just for her.
He sucked in a deep breath to keep his groin in check. She looked to him for comfort, for safety, nothing else, and he was not about to take advantage of her. He stroked her back, tracing a steady path, until she fell asleep again. Must be nice. No way would he be able to sleep with this soft woman sprawled on top of him and the incessant tightening in his groin.
One Last Chance Page 12