by Salome Wilde
“Morning, everyone,” said Johanna, her voice seeming too loud for the small staff room. “Thank you for being on time. First, let’s take a moment to celebrate Thorpe’s return.” There were a few hoots and claps as Jan gave a playful wave to her colleagues. Johanna wore her slick professional smile and continued once everyone was quiet. “Since Phuong and Bellanger are out with the flu, Wong has agreed to tack six hours on to her night shift; she’ll be helping out in admin and reception. That means those of you expecting gate and admin duty today will be on GP. Also I’d like a volunteer for the first shift on command.” Johanna waited with a tight smile.
Command was one of the least popular duties due to the fact that it required sitting alone in a cramped, windowless room. The staff had nicknamed it isolation. Jan glanced from Johanna to Sal and felt her skin flush. She considered how it would look if she volunteered, would her colleagues think she was afraid to be on patrol?
“Someone experienced enough to monitor the gates as well,” Johanna said, looking at the senior personnel. The job required complete attention and alertness. Staring at monitors and occasionally pushing a button to open a gate might help her focus on her job instead of her scattered thoughts and shifting emotions.
“I’ll do it.” Jan broke the awkward silence. Johanna looked surprised, but didn’t say anything for a moment. Jan looked around the room to gauge reactions: most of the recent hires looked confused. Everyone else looked bored or relieved, except Sharky who quirked a questioning eyebrow at her.
Johanna held her gaze and said a quiet, “Thank you, Thorpe,” then continued with the roster.
Jan stole a look at Sal, who gave her a wink before looking back to the warden.
Johanna witnessed this, and for the rest of the meeting her gaze flicked back and forth between Jan and Sal several times. Jan wondered what Johanna was thinking. Did she suspect Jan was avoiding Salome to hide affection as they had once avoided spending too much time together at work? Was she questioning Jan’s ability to do her job? Was she jealous of Sal? She looked at her former lover for any telltale indications, but as usual her emotions were well hidden. It reminded Jan to check her own expression and clear her thoughts.
Johanna ended the meeting with her signature line: “Stay sharp, stay safe and stay with your partner.” The warden lingered during the general bustle of guards locking up their personal belongings, pairing off and heading to their duty stations. “Thorpe.” She gave a small ‘come here’ motion. Jan approached. “You’re all right with a full day in command?” Johanna asked.
“Yes, really, I’m fine.” Jan replied, and then added, “Ma’am.”
Johanna’s jaw tensed. She gave Jan a long, searching look before turning on her heel to walk away. Jan sighed as she walked to the door, where Sal was just leaving.
“What was that about?” Sal asked as they strode, side-by-side, to the first gate. Jan gave a shrug of nonchalance, knowing Sal likely saw right through it. She felt a twinge of lingering discomfort in her shoulder. While Jan unlocked the gate, Sal grinned and then gestured with her hand, sliding it sideways like a door, erasing the smile and the sparkle in her eyes with a look of dispassionate watchfulness. She called it slipping on the mask. She waited for Jan to lock the gate behind them so they could continue together.
Sal caught Jan looking at her as they passed the single window in the corridor. She scanned the area for prisoners and was about to speak when Sal beat her to it.
“It suits you,” Sal said. Jan had no idea what she was talking about. “Your haircut,” Sal clarified.
Jan felt her cheeks flush. She resisted the urge to touch her hair, but couldn’t hold back a smile. “Sal, I,” Jan paused, realizing she had used her fellow guard’s first name when the protocol on the ward was last names only. “Sorry—James—I just wish there was some way to thank you for…”—Jan struggled to hide her feelings—“for taking care of me.” Sal briefly looked at her with concern before dropping her eyes. She waited until they were well away from passing inmates before responding.
“No worries, Thorpe, really. I’ve got your back; you’ve got mine. I know you’d have done the same for me.” She gave an awkward half smile, and Jan couldn’t tell if she was reigning in her emotions or was just being kind.
There’s so much more I’d like to do for you, Jan wanted to say. But Sal wasn’t available. Her long-time partner, Wong, usually worked nights.
“How much do you remember?” Sal continued as they entered the cafeteria hallway, their steps in concert; boot soles susurrant on the sealed concrete. Jan wondered again what she had said when she was drunk with pain.
“Most of it, why?” Jan looked everywhere but at Sal, paranoid that they might be overheard, but there was only a single prisoner pushing a mop at the far end of the hall. Sal kept on towards the cafeteria. “I know I said something when you…” Sal stopped, waiting for Jan to continue. “When you and Jo—uh, the warden—were helping me into the chair. I’m sorry I don’t remember what it was.” Sal’s knowing smirk confirmed that she wasn’t surprised by her slipup in almost saying ‘Johanna.’ She pushed this new worry away to finish what she had started. She spoke in a rush. “I was in so much pain; whatever it was, I hope I didn’t offend you.”
“No, it wasn’t offensive.” Sal glanced away, and Jan felt her heart constrict. Sal’s emotionless mask was back in place. “Don’t worry, Thorpe, it was no big deal.” She spoke in the flat tone she used with inmates, so the “Thorpe” felt like a slap.
Sal strode into the cafeteria and the hum of prisoners at breakfast. Jan felt dismissed, defeated and alone. She ignored the curious stares from some of the inmates and quickly reached the gate at the far end of the hall which led to the administration area and the tiny, cramped command room.
“Hey, Thorpe,” Singh was quick to jump out of the chair. He gave her a fist bump as they switched places. “Enjoy!” he joked, before hustling out the door.
“Yeah, great to see you too!” she called after him. His laugh was cut off by the closing door.
During the first half hour of her shift Jan kept glancing at Sal in the cafeteria with Singh, Sharkey and Kerns. It was like watching a silent documentary on prison behavior. Sudden movements, obvious taunts and posturing body language weren’t always a sign of impending trouble, but it was her job to watch for them. She tried to keep her attention moving from monitor to monitor, to focus on catching anything unusual, but she kept returning to Salome. As minutes turned to hours, not even the radio check-ins and hourly lists could distract her from imagining Sal’s strong embrace. It reminded her of how exciting things had initially been with Johanna, wrapped in the warmth of desire and anticipation while hiding behind her dispassionate mask made her shifts manageable, at times even enjoyable.
Thinking about Sal had made her recuperation less desolate. There had been regular visits from Sharky and his family, the odd text from a coworker and weekly calls from her parents, but they didn’t make up for the fact that she spent every night alone. Solitude hadn’t been a problem before the attack. In the last few years she’d had a handful of failed dates and one-night stands, but she hadn’t felt lonely. Her fantasies about Sal gave her a pleasant physical buzz, reassured her that she was still capable of passion. She wanted Sal’s attention, her affection. She wanted to feel desirable again. She’d had daydreams of starting up an affair with Sal. They were happy but hiding, the way she and Johanna used to be. The imagined sex had been a great balm to her libido but in truth she didn’t want to live like that again. She deserved more, Sal deserved more. Hell, she thought, starting to feel angry again, even Johanna deserved more. She forced herself to focus, to push away the war of doubts and desire in her head. Another hourly report kept her mind clear for a time.
Midmorning, Jan noticed Johanna peering up at the camera in the corridor outside her office. This was a game they’d used to play when one of them was on command duty. Jan preferred suggestive smirks, whereas last-minute glances o
r coy looks were more Johanna’s style. Curiosity piqued, she started paying more attention to Johanna’s movements. More than once Johanna glanced up as she walked towards a security camera. In resurrecting their old habit she was trying to communicate something, but what? Jan felt both confused and oddly comforted. Memories of Johanna returned to her without the usual sting of betrayal.
When she and Johanna were both guards, taking foolish risks to spend time together, they had almost made love in this very room. Johanna had pulled command duty and Jan should have been on her way home after a double shift. Instead, she slipped into the tiny room and began kissing Johanna’s neck and unbuttoning her uniform from behind. Johanna protested that she was distracting her from her work, so Jan pulled Johanna’s chair back and crouched down to squeeze between her knees while she loosened Johanna’s belt. “Keep your eyes on those screens, Trevigge,” she had taunted as she unzipped Jo’s perfectly pressed pants. Johanna’s hands on her shoulders stopped her. “Jan, you know I want you. Kissing is one thing, but this is too much. We need to think about the future. I don’t want to risk my career, do you?” Jan remembered her frustration with Johanna’s increasing remoteness and the fear that it was putting their relationship at risk.
Jan ate lunch alone and was back in front of the monitors when her colleagues took their breaks in small groups: Sharkey and Singh joking and gesturing, the other guards reading or talking and Sal compulsively checking her cell phone, grinning like a kid. Jan felt a pang of envy as she realized Sal must be texting her girlfriend. Sal was clearly in love with her partner; maybe what Jan found so attractive was their passion and commitment to one another. Jan felt ridiculous, like a teenager with a hopeless crush. What if all the desire Jan had seen in her eyes had been only fear and concern?
Once again, she commanded herself to pay attention to her work and nothing else; finally achieving this meant she noticed too late that Johanna was at the door. She gave a hushed curse and tried to seem detached as the warden entered the cramped room and closed the door behind her. Jan nodded a hello, but didn’t look up. Instead, she clicked boxes on the hourly monitoring report. Once she was done, there was no excuse for avoiding Johanna, who had seated herself on the backless, half-broken spare chair.
“How’s it going?” she asked, scanning the monitors.
Before their eyes could meet, Jan glanced away. “All quiet.” Jan watched as inmates returned to their wards for the afternoon lockup. She kept her eyes moving over the monitors, but her attention was on Johanna’s movements in her peripheral vision. Johanna pivoted the chair to face her and leaned her arm on the desk, which put her fingertips within reach of Jan’s arm.
“I meant with you, Jan.” Her voice was soft.
The last thing Jan wanted was to face Johanna, the woman she had once given her heart to, the woman who had then tossed it away. The woman Jan had been willing to do anything for. Jan’s shoulders drooped down as she turned her head. Johanna wasn’t hiding her emotions now. The longing in her eyes was so intense that Jan was caught by surprise. She was still deeply attracted to Johanna, clearly the feeling was mutual.
“I’m sorry to do this at work, Jan, but I have to know—you’ve been all I could think of these past weeks. I’ve always regretted how I—but then you—” She spoke in a rush and Jan was more confused with each word. Johanna slipped her left hand over Jan’s, and for the second time that day Jan felt her heartbeat roaring in her ears.
“You said—” Johanna seemed near tears.
Jan leaned away, recalling in a flash what Johanna was unable to say. “I said ‘I love you!’ I couldn’t remember until now. Oh my god…” She had said those words, but not to Johanna. She’d said them to Sal. The realization made her both embarrassed and angry. Did she love Salome James? Was it the abrupt pain from the attack that broke the silence of her secret crush? And now Johanna was thinking that Jan’s declaration had been about her. She had to explain, but Johanna stopped her with a fingertip on her lips. She was looking at Jan as though she was the answer to her every prayer.
Jan felt chilled and light-headed. She wanted to flee from the room, from her job, from the complete mess she had made of her life. Yet, at the same time, she needed to understand what she’d done and why. What she had once felt for Johanna had been real. So, maybe she hadn’t been talking to Sal. Sal wasn’t single. Sal had dismissed her. Sal didn’t want her. She was just a fantasy to keep her company, but, Johanna had broken her heart.
“Don’t worry, darling, only James and I heard what you said, no one else.” Johanna gave an incredibly seductive smile and leaned closer. “And pretty soon it won’t matter. I’ve applied for a Ministry job and I’m sure I’ll get it; then we’ll be free to be together again. No more skulking around, having sex in closets.” Her right hand joined her left and she brought Jan’s hand to her mouth. She tenderly kissed Jan’s knuckles.
Jan trembled as long-buried desires rushed over her. She flushed and her nipples tightened. Without intention, her mind reached for Sal. Sal was a fantasy, but at least a safe one. Johanna was real, far too real, especially as she touched Jan’s cheek and her eyes traced Jan’s features. Jan opened her mouth to speak, but could barely breathe. Johanna spread her legs and pulled their chairs together. Past fantasies of having sex in this cramped space flooded back. Jan was wet and clenching at the thought, but she knew it wasn’t right, not now.
Johanna’s nostrils flared as she smirked and said, “I feel the same way, Jan; we can finally have everything we want.” Her hands moved to Jan’s hips and tightened the knot of need between Jan’s legs. Against her better instincts, Jan slid her hands up Johanna’s ribs and they leaned in.
“Wait, stop!” Jan demanded, snatching her hands away. Johanna pulled back, mouth still open, lips waiting to be kissed and confusion in her eyes.
“You don’t have to worry; it’s not like the warden is going to walk in on us.” She looked very pleased with her joke, but when Jan remained silent she straightened up a little. “You’re right, we should stop. I just need you to know that I regret every moment I’ve missed with you.” Jan let this admission sink in. Johanna had never apologized before, not for anything. It wasn’t her style, personally or professionally. “There hasn’t been anyone else for the last year,” she went on, while Jan sat, stunned. “I’ve thought about you often, and then after what happened I’ve thought of nothing else.” She stared intently into Jan’s eyes, all seriousness but noticeably nervous. “I want to be with you…completely.” She stated each word precisely, as though she had rehearsed them. Jan saw tears again welling up in her eyes. She concluded in a softer voice: “I want to be more than lovers this time. I want you to be my plus-one at the staff barbeque. I want to hold hands at fancy restaurants. I want an equal partnership where your career is just as important as mine.” Johanna managed a pained smile while blinking away tears. Jan knew this was a huge risk for Johanna, and it revived Jan’s respect and affection.
“All the more reason to stop,” said Jan, needing to retain some of the control she still had over their circumstances. “I do want you right now, but I’m…overwhelmed. I need to think.”
Johanna nodded and leaned back. “I understand what I’m asking.” She reached out more tentatively, her fingertips lightly caressing Jan’s cheek. Then, she pulled away with warmth in her eyes. “As much as I want to make love to you right this instant, I don’t want you to think this is just about sex. It never was—for me.” She rose and straightened her jacket. “I just hope I can regain your trust, even though I don’t deserve it.”
Jan rose, quietly mouthing Johanna’s name, but the warden had regained her professional demeanor and was out the door before she could say more. Jan stood there, feeling her desires ebb and confusion return. She silently watched Johanna walk to her office on one of the monitors.
* * *
Driving home after her shift, Jan considered what Johanna had said about intimacy in closets, about it never being “just sex
” for her. Had she hidden her feelings so well that Johanna mistook her love for lust? She stopped at a red light: ahead of her was home, her empty apartment. If she turned right, she could be at Salome’s in ten minutes. If she turned left, she’d reach Johanna’s in fifteen. The light turned green. Jan gripped the steering wheel. Her sudden resolve screeched the tires into a sharp turn.
Jan stepped out of her car. The lights were still on. Walking closer to the house, Jan saw Johanna’s face, lit up by her computer screen. As she approached the door, their eyes met through the window. Light-headed and heartbeat roaring in her ears, she nodded at Johanna’s quick gesture that told her to let herself in. She watched Johanna pull the drapes closed. Jan held back a sob of relief as she stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She bent down to free herself from her heavy uniform boots, using it as a moment to collect herself. Nervously, she leaned back against the door, her hands tucked behind her hips. She looked up and noted the same hesitation in the woman leaning against the opposite wall.
“I’m sorry,” Jan said. She saw hope fading from the beautiful hazel eyes watching her. “No, I mean I’m sorry I waited so long. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I felt about you, how I still feel about you. I guess I got so good at hiding my emotions, for the job, so good at protecting myself, that I never realized that you didn’t know—it was never ‘just sex’ for me either, Johanna.” Johanna lips twitched nervously, but Jan wasn’t finished. “If you meant what you said today, to be together as a couple, a real relationship, I want that, too.”