I’m losing my mind
Yet, the Captain is right here
~ Hannah Gunner ~
Cash took off his ball cap, pitched it across the room, and watched it land on Hannah’s bed before settling in, opposite Hannah, on her bedroom floor. The only thing separating them was the infamous box filled with letters. They’d agreed to set it aside and go through it together, and finally Saturday had rolled around. He could sense her nervousness, as if scared to death of something she may or may not find, written in between the lines of the letters that she was about to read. Noticing how naturally beautiful she looked without a stitch of makeup, in her oversized shirt and sweats, he couldn’t help but stare at her; she never noticed. Absorbed in the handwritten words on the faded yellow paper, she had no idea he was taking in every detail at that moment about her. To say he was head-over-heels about her would be an understatement. Resisting the urge to say something stupid, Cash hesitantly dipped his hand into the box; she still never raised her head.
The first letter Cash pulled out happened to be a handwritten birthday note. It was short and to the point, but he could tell a lot of thought had gone into it. Guessing they didn’t have access to Hallmark cards in prison, he thought, not bad for improvising. The man had even drawn a picture of a cake, a pirate sword, and signed off with a heart! He set it aside and pulled out another envelope. Hannah was tearing through them faster than Cash. Pulling letters out of envelopes, scanning them, pulling out another, going back and reading the previous letter as if she’d missed a clue of some sort in the prior letter. The scent of musty, aging paper filled the room. Kathy popped her head in the door.
“I’m shocked that your mom hid those from you for all of those years, but I’m certain she must have had her reasons.” Taking a deep breath, as if not knowing what else to say, Kathy stared at the box in the center of the floor. “I’m going to head over to the hospital just in case they’ll let me see your mom. She’s coming out of ICU today, and I want to be there to greet her.” Unable to resist the urge, she bent down and picked up a letter. Reading it, she smiled, and put it back in the envelope. “I can hear your dad’s voice when I read these.”
“Why don’t you just call?” Cash suggested. “To see if she’s coming out of ICU today for sure, and if so, if they’ll let you see her.”
Kathy shook her head. “I can’t sit still. I feel helpless and need to kill time; running up there does just that.”
“Do you think I should be there as well?” Hannah asked. “Just in case she does get out of ICU?”
Kathy thought about it for a second, then assured her waiting would be fine. “I’ll call you as soon as she’s settled if they put her in a regular room. She might want you to bring her something from home when you do visit her.” Eyes wide open, daring not to jinx her sister, she added, “Wouldn’t it be something if they let her come home?!”
“Right! That would be something,” Cash grinned. “Wishful thinking maybe, but it would be great.”
Kathy left the two teens sifting through the scattered letters all over Hannah’s floor. They stacked letters and cards in piles, which they set aside, and put them in the best chronological order that they possibly could using the stamp dates. They poured through every detail that they thought was important or relevant to establishing a timeline. Suddenly, startling Cash, Hannah squealed out loud and frantically grabbed his arm and started to read a letter out loud.
Sweet Hannah,
I’m assuming by now you’re too old to be my First Matey, but in my head, you’re still a little pirate to me! When I close my eyes, all I can see is a mass of dark blond hair, running around her bed in the middle of her bedroom, pretending to swim to the beach. Do you remember the beach we used to visit, the real one? You were so little, I’m not sure that you do; but it’s crystal clear to me.
I remember that you used to love the water, the beach, and when I’d take you to work with me, kinda, to the docks to see the freighters come in. I miss you so much, but I’m betting by now you do not even remember me.
I think I write these letters now more for me than you. I can’t believe today is the day you become a teen!!!!!! Thirteen. Oh how I wish I were there to see. If by chance you can find it in you to drop me a line, a quick hello, please do.
Love always, Dad
One look at Hannah’s face and Cash thought she must have figured out what he’d already realized as well… THE DATES… they didn’t add up to what she’d been told. None of it was making any sense. Cash was right! He knew precisely what was running through her mind; he could see her wheels turning, and his eyes darted to the stack of letters that he had neatly placed in a pile beside him. Praying she’d say it first, he waited; he didn’t have to wait long.
“What the hell?! None of this shit adds up. Someone LIED!”
Chapter 26
Out of Time
Oh God, please no!
~ Aunt Kathy ~
The phone felt as if it was burning a hole in Hannah’s hand. She wanted to reach out to Kathy, but every time she dialed, Kathy’s voicemail picked up. Frustrated, she left message after message. Cash reached over and gently took the phone out of her hand; Hannah didn’t object. He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled her down next to him. Together they separated all of the letters into significant events in Hannah’s life: birthdays, holidays, moving, each grade level, and even into her teen years. Hank had referenced them all. Scooting closer to Cash wasn’t a problem; he smelled good, looked great, and the warmth of his body made her feel safe. She wanted to stay right there, on the edge of the bed next to him, listening to him read and theorize for as long as possible.
“Let’s call the nurse’s desk and check to see if Kathy’s in the patient lounge or something,” Cash suggested. “If she’s taking this long, she might be getting updated.”
Despite not wanting to move, she dialed the hospital, and a cheerful voice on the other end picked up. Hannah identified herself and asked about her aunt.
“I think she stepped out for some air or maybe coffee; let me take a look real quick, the patients’ area is right around the corner. I do know she has been waiting to talk to your mom’s doctor.”
“Thank you so much!” Hannah replied.
The nurse returned, apologized, but there was no sign of Kathy.
“She’s been here a while this morning. It’s possible she’s already spoken to your mom’s doctor, and I didn’t see her. We get pretty busy around here, especially during shift change.”
Hannah thanked the lady for her time, but right before she hung up, she asked the nurse a question.
“Do you know when my mom will be out of ICU or able to have visitors?”
The nurse banged away on her keys, mentioned it looked as if they were releasing her mom to a regular room that day, but they were waiting for her doctor to sign off on that.
“I’d say late afternoon, early evening, shouldn’t be an issue, but if not by then definitely by tomorrow a room will be available.”
Hannah smiled and gave Cash a thumbs-up. They’d head down after a while, stop and visit her mom, and try to get some answers from Kathy. Cash put his arms around Hannah, kissed the back of her neck, and inhaled the scent of her shower gel.
“You smell very tropical,” he grinned. “I kinda wanna eat your hair.”
Hannah playfully nudged him. He hadn’t seen that smile in a while. Leaning in, he kissed her lips. To his surprise she didn’t object but kissed him back; long and slow, it was nice. Like it was supposed to be and had been in the past, but then she gently pulled away.
“I must look a mess. No makeup. Hair looks like this!” Pointing to her hair hanging in loose unkempt waves over her shoulders and down the middle of her back.
“You must not realize how good you look; you look amazing!”
She could feel the heat rushing to her cheeks; any compliment he gave her made her blush. Pecking him on the cheek, she looked at him in a way that she rarely did.
�
��What? Did I do or say something wrong?”
He sounded sincere, but something was weighing on her mind other than the inability to accept his compliment.
“Do you think she knew?” Hannah asked inquisitively. “Kathy? That my mom was hiding all of those letters and acted surprised to cover for her?”
“I was actually going to ask you that question when the time was right, but I’m not sure if there would have been a right time, so I’m actually glad you asked first.”
Cash haphazardly placed his ball cap on top of his head. It was crooked but cute. Nervously he asked her a few questions he’d been putting off.
“That would mean your Aunt Kathy lied for your mom. You don’t suppose she would lie for your mom, do you?”
Hannah thought about it for a few moments before answering. She honestly didn’t know. Being an only child, she had no idea if that kind of bond between sisters was real. They were sisters and seemed really close since they’d moved back, but that was a major lie and would have meant they’d hidden the truth from Hannah for practically her whole life! Hating to speculate and not knowing how she’d feel about her aunt if the answer were yes, Hannah shook her head. For a second she felt as if the two women she loved the most in the world were strangers. It was a sick feeling, knowing the closest person in your life had betrayed you; the possibility of the lie being an actual conspiracy between more people than one was too much for Hannah to comprehend. Too many unanswered questions! Why had her mother hidden the letters? And the most obvious: why did she tell her the Captain was dead when at that time he was clearly writing to her?
“I just don’t know.” Hannah held her head in her hands. Her hair hung down and covered her face. “I honestly don’t know anything anymore!”
Blinking tears away, pretending that she wasn’t unraveling, Hannah gasped for air. She could feel her chest tighten as a wave of anxiety rushed over her body, reminding her that she was about to cave in and lose control of her ability to breathe.
“When did Hank, the Captain, my dad, really die?”
Tears she’d been fighting to hold back filled to the brim of her eyelids and finally spilled over, leaving wet trails running down her flushed cheeks.
“I don’t think he bailed on us, but I just don’t know what in the hell really happened.”
She wiped her tears with her sweatshirt sleeve. Her sparkling blue eyes held an icy, distant stare. “If they conspired to lie to me… why?” Hesitating. “Cash, how the hell do I trust them?”
Cash didn’t dare speak for fear of saying the wrong thing; inching his way toward her, he reached out his arms and wrapped them around her body. Pulling her gently toward him, Hannah buried her head in his shoulder. For the first time ever in front of her boyfriend, Hannah sobbed uncontrollably until she could cry no more. Stroking her hair, softly kissing the top of her head as her whole body shook, Cash held her trembling body in his arms and never said one word! His silence spoke volumes. Neither one of them heard the unlocking of the door. Kathy, wide-eyed, stood in the doorway of Hannah’s room. She stared at the two teens, locked in each other’s arms and looked down at the floor. Cash finally made eye contact with Kathy and pleaded with his eyes, asking for a minute longer to allow Hannah to compose herself before he stepped aside. As Kathy backed away from the door, turned on her heels, and headed toward the living room, she wondered what in the hell else had gone wrong! After a few moments, Cash gently pulled away from Hannah and with his hand moved her now dripping-wet hair from her face, placing it to one side.
“Babe, maybe we can get some answers if you’re up to it. Kathy’s back.”
Hannah raised her chin and looked around the room.
“She’s back?”
“Yeah. She just walked in the door.” Cash leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Take a minute, splash some water on your face, and I’ll meet you in the living room. Okay?”
Hannah nodded.
Kathy was sitting in a chair in the corner of the living room, staring at Gloria’s recliner still draped in her blanket. Cash sat down on the couch and waited for Hannah to enter the room. As soon as she walked in, she perched on the edge of Gloria’s chair and nervously started playing with the fringe on the blanket as she prepared to gather her thoughts. Neither Hannah nor Cash, being so caught up in search of answers of their own, had noticed how pale Kathy was when she’d entered the apartment. Hannah started rattling off dates, questions, and mentioning Hank and Gloria in the same sentence, and talking about things that Kathy didn’t understand. She heard most of the words that her niece was saying, but didn’t comprehend what she was talking about or if there was a point that she was trying to make. Hannah suddenly jumped up out of the chair and ran into her room. Instinctively Cash started to follow her, but before he could reach her bedroom door, she reappeared, holding multiple letters in her hand.
“I’m talking about these. What the hell are these about, all of these letters?”
Kathy’s head was spinning; in despair, she raised her hands in the air.
“Hannah, stop!”
“Stop what?” Hannah snapped.
Hannah unknowingly took a few steps backward toward Cash. “Let me start over. Maybe I’m not making any sense, but I will if I explain it properly.” She took a deep breath. “It starts with the box and the letters that mom wanted me to find.”
But before another word could pop out of her mouth, Kathy yelled, “Hannah, STOP!”
Alarmed, Hannah jumped. Her heart suddenly felt as if it had crawled into her throat. The warm touch of Cash’s hand as he reached out for hers made her feel better. Hannah lowered the letters that she now held in her hand and closed her gaping mouth. The two waited in awkward silence.
“Hannah. It’s your mom. It’s not good. She’s taken a turn for the worse, and we need to get you to the hospital.”
Her face was pale, and for the first time, Hannah and Cash realized that Kathy was shaking, her eyes were red and swollen, and she must have been crying.
“Hannah, it’s bad.”
Hannah couldn’t think. Nodding, she rushed to the door. Cash grabbed her arm, glancing at Kathy as if asking for permission to speak. Kathy’s eyes were empty. Her energy completely depleted, she had nothing left emotionally to support or guide them at that moment one way or the other.
“Babe, take a second and throw a few things in a bag. You may be up there for a while.”
Expressionless, Hannah rushed into her room and started shoving miscellaneous items into an oversized bag: shirt, shorts, sweatpants, sweatshirt, underwear, makeup wipe removers, moisturizer, her makeup bag, ponytail holder, brush, an extra phone charger, iPad, and for some reason, she picked up her mom’s id. Cash grabbed her a few bottles of water, a pack of peanuts, and an apple.
Cash turned to Kathy. “Would you like me to drive? I can stop by your place, and you can pick up a few items, unless you have stuff here you need.”
Kathy wiped away the tears that had trickled down her face. Exhaustion, the unknown, and the shock of the latest news had set in. Thanking Cash, she assured him she had enough items at the apartment since she’d been staying with Gloria so much on and off lately, more so than they had all realized. Excuses of a girls night, movie night, novel, sip and wine night, seemed just like that now—excuses for Kathy to stay over with her mom! There was no time to discuss that right then, either, if the two women Hannah loved most in her life had indeed covered up her mom’s health issues. A familiar dinging notification sound came from Hannah’s room. Cash nodded and without saying a word ran back into her bedroom and picked the phone up off the floor. Tempted to look at the text, he purposely turned the phone the other way as he handed it over to Hannah. Instinctively, Hannah announced Lindsey was checking in.
Lindsey: Love ya. Thinking of ya. Miss ya. Let me know if ya need anything!
Hannah: Same. Thank you! Headed back to the hospital. Things are bad. Talk later. Love ya.
Lindsey: Is Cash with you or sho
uld I come?
Hannah: Cash is here. Thank you!
Lindsey: Okay. Love ya. Let me know if you need anything at all. Tell Momma G. I love her.
Hannah: Will do.
Kathy held the door open; a silent cue to hurry up. Cash and Hannah climbed into his Jeep, following closely behind Kathy. A sick feeling filled the pit of Hannah’s stomach as soon as they pulled up to the hospital entrance. Nausea. Nerves. Fear. And helplessness. The sliding double glass doors opened, and the familiar smell of the hospital made Hannah want to gag. The cool air immediately gave them all chill bumps. Cash swung her bag over his shoulder, reached out and grabbed her hand, and pulled Hannah closer toward him. She was trembling. Kathy put one foot in front of the other, but it felt as if the corridor would never end. Finally checking in at the nurse’s station, they requested an update and asked if it was possible to see Gloria.
“Let me check with her doctor,” an energetic yet sympathetic nurse responded.
She pointed them to the patient lounge, and the waiting game began. It felt like an eternity, but in reality, it was less than fifteen minutes. A middle-aged, good-looking man appeared at the entranceway of the lounge. Popping his head in, he peered around the room, stopping and staring at Kathy.
“May I have a word, please?”
Kathy, white as a sheet, nodded and stood up.
As he glanced at Hannah and Cash, Kathy intervened. “It’s okay. They’re with me.”
“Right. Well, then, let’s chat in here.”
Pointing to the sofa, Kathy sat back down, and the doctor sat in a chair catty-corner to the door. Quick escape? Hannah wondered, just in case patients were too emotional at times like this when the bomb was dropped.
“Well… where shall I start?” the doctor asked, already knowing there was but one thing to discuss. Time. And what was left of Gloria’s.
Chapter 27
Death Sentence
Captain Fin Page 19