by Susan Stoker
She wasn’t going to be happy when he simply showed up at her parents’ house, but he’d been serious when he told her he wasn’t giving up. He was going to do whatever it took to make sure she knew how sorry he was.
* * *
TJ climbed out of his black Mustang and strode toward the front door with determination. The neighborhood was older and very well-kept. The house was a two-story, probably around four thousand square feet. Big, especially for a couple who only had one child, but Missy and Bob’s reasons for having such a large house were the least of his worries at the moment.
He was nervous. Determined, but nervous. The last time he’d seen Milena it hadn’t gone well, and showing up on her doorstep probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but he couldn’t stay away. He needed to reassure her that he was serious about making amends and having her back in his life.
He pushed the doorbell and stepped back, making sure he could be seen clearly through the peephole. The last thing he wanted to do was worry her parents.
The time it took for someone to answer the door seemed like an eternity, but finally it opened. An older woman, probably in her early fifties, stood there. TJ would recognize Milena’s mother anywhere. She and her daughter looked a lot alike.
She was probably a couple inches taller than Milena, but had the same blonde hair and blue eyes. TJ swallowed and had the brief thought that this was what Milena would look like in twenty-five years. And he wanted to be by her side to see it.
“Good afternoon, ma’am. My name is Thomas James, and I’m here to see your daughter.”
She stared at him for a long moment, a worried look on her face. Then she glanced behind her. When she turned to him again, she was biting her lip.
TJ didn’t like the vibe she was giving off. He immediately went on alert. Was there an intruder in the house who had forced her to open the door? Was Milena all right? He couldn’t stop his mind from going there, not with his background and training.
“Now isn’t a good time, young man.”
TJ blinked. He had suspected that he wouldn’t be a welcome sight on their doorstep, but he hadn’t expected an outright snub. “I apologize for showing up unannounced, but I really do need to see Milena.”
“I don’t think now is—”
Whatever she was going to say was interrupted by the high-pitched, happy squeal of a toddler. A little boy ran past Missy Reinhardt and out the door.
Acting on instinct, TJ crouched down and snatched the fast-moving child.
He let out an umph as the toddler hit him, but his arms closed around the small body protectively, keeping him safe from tumbling down the stairs at the front of the house.
“JT, come back here! You know you’re—” Milena’s voice halted mid-sentence as she appeared next to her mom.
Her eyes had been filled with laughter, but TJ saw panic replace the carefree, happy look on her face when she saw him.
TJ put his hands on the boy’s upper arms and held him steady in front of him. “Looks like you’ve got a runner on…”
His voice trailed off as he got a good look at the child. He was naked except for a diaper. He had light brown hair, almost blond, and bright blue eyes.
His gaze went from the boy to Milena in shock.
The three adults stared at each other without a word for a long moment before the boy broke the silence.
“Daddy!”
TJ swallowed hard as he looked into eyes so like Milena’s, it was uncanny. The toddler had her blue eyes…but he could see parts of himself in the boy’s face as well, especially the shape of his nose.
TJ didn’t need the child’s exclamation to prove what he knew in his heart was true.
This was his son.
His. Son.
“Daddy!” the boy squealed again.
“Hi,” TJ managed. Then the little boy did something that made TJ’s battle-hardened heart crack down the middle. He threw his little arms around his neck and squeezed.
TJ couldn’t have said anything at that moment if his life depended on it. All he could do was wrap one arm around the little boy and hug him back. Of course, being two, the toddler didn’t tolerate being confined for long. He giggled, pulled back, and ran back inside the house, past his mom and grandmother, who were standing as still as statues.
TJ slowly stood, trying to process what had just happened.
“I think you should come in,” Missy Reinhardt finally said.
TJ nodded, still too choked up to say a word.
He followed the women into the house, past a formal dining room, through an obviously remodeled kitchen and into a spacious living room. There were toys strewn all over the floor, and a half-eaten muffin on the low coffee table, along with a sippy cup.
The toddler was standing in front of the television, dancing along to an animated movie playing on the screen. His little butt bobbed up and down and his arms occasionally raised to make a sort of flapping motion. It was the cutest thing TJ had ever seen.
Milena’s friend, Sadie, was sitting on the couch, and her eyes comically widened when she saw him enter the room. “I can take him upstairs to—”
“No,” TJ interrupted, suddenly afraid that if he lost sight of the boy, he’d never see him again.
“It’s okay. Mom, Sadie, give us some space?” Milena asked quietly.
The other two women nodded immediately. “I’ll be in the kitchen,” Missy said.
“I’ll just…I’ll be upstairs,” Sadie told everyone.
TJ didn’t watch the others go, he only had eyes for his son. He knew Milena’s mom would probably be able to hear whatever they talked about, but he couldn’t care less at this point.
He had a son. A son.
TJ slowly sat on the edge of an armchair and watched his son dance.
“I wasn’t purposely keeping him from you.”
TJ took a deep breath and shut his eyes, trying to control his emotions. He wasn’t sure what he felt. Joy. Excitement. Bitterness that he’d missed so much of his son’s life. Anger. “How old is he?” TJ asked in a low voice.
“Twenty-five months.”
Two years. He’d missed two years. “And his name is JT?”
“It’s short for James Thomas,” Milena confirmed.
TJ’s eyes popped open and he turned to Milena in surprise. “You named him after me?”
He watched as Milena licked her lips nervously, but she held his eyes. “Yeah.”
Before he could say anything, JT waddled over to where TJ was sitting and started to climb onto his lap. In surprise, TJ opened his legs, giving the toddler room to maneuver, and wrapped an arm around the little boy when he settled against him. When JT was comfortable, he rested his head on his dad’s shoulder and stuck a thumb in his mouth, content to watch the movie from his lap.
“Why isn’t he scared of me?” TJ asked Milena quietly.
Milena looked away from him then, as if embarrassed. “You’re not a stranger to him.”
“Why?”
“I made sure he knew you. Knew that his daddy was a hero.”
“How?” TJ knew his questions sounded abrupt, maybe harsh, but he couldn’t help it. He’d come here to try to convince Milena to give him a second chance, only to find out he was a father. All the speeches he’d prepared in his mind had disappeared like puffs of smoke the second he’d looked into his son’s eyes.
“Pictures. Stories.” She shrugged. “I didn’t know where you were, TJ. You disappeared without a word. I figured someday he’d want to know his father, and as much as you hurt me, I was proud of you. Still am.”
TJ had so many questions—questions only Milena had the answers to—but with the slight weight of his son in his arms, he didn’t want to move, and he definitely didn’t think the boy should be privy to the inevitable conversation.
So for the next twenty minutes, he kept his eyes on his son while the boy watched television. TJ reveled in the emotions that crossed his son’s tiny face. Happiness, delight, humor, ser
iousness.
His mind was spinning. He’d made a human. A tiny person. It was mind-boggling.
Even though he’d been blindsided, this was the best day of his life.
He couldn’t think beyond this moment. Had no idea what would happen in the future, but he knew without a doubt that he’d remember today for the rest of his life. It wasn’t the way most men found out they were fathers, obviously, but he cherished the experience for what it was.
When the credits began to play on the television screen, JT squirmed in his lap. Reluctantly, TJ lifted the boy and placed him on his feet on the floor in front of the chair. His son looked up at him for a moment and smiled. “Daddy,” he said matter-of-factly, then turned and raced toward the kitchen screaming for his “nana.”
TJ’s eyes followed his son until he couldn’t see him any longer, then he finally turned to Milena. He wanted to hate her. Wanted to rail at her for keeping his son from him. Wanted to know if she’d ever planned on telling him…but the words wouldn’t come. He was simply too overwhelmed.
“I was going to tell you,” she said softly, as if she could read his mind.
“You should’ve told me long before now.”
Her eyes met his, and instead of seeing remorse, he saw anger. It surprised him.
“Really? When, TJ? When should I have told you? I had no idea where you were. You walked out on me.”
“Did you even try to find me?” he asked, the anger and disappointment he felt at being blindsided by the knowledge she’d had his son leaking through in his words.
“Yeah, I did.” Her words were just as angry. “I called the hospitals, police stations, even the fucking morgue to see if maybe you’d been hurt or killed, and that’s why you hadn’t gotten ahold of me. To my disappointment and despair, I finally figured out that you hadn’t been in an accident. You weren’t dead. You’d simply gotten tired of me and left.”
The emotion in her words got to him, and somehow made his own anger dissipate a little. “I didn’t get tired of you.”
She snorted in disbelief. “Could’a fooled me.”
“I didn’t,” he insisted. “I was a mess. I was so angry back then. You didn’t deserve that. I wanted to be the man you needed, instead of a man you had to deal with.”
“I would’ve done anything for you,” she said sadly.
“Don’t you get it? I didn’t want to drag you down with my issues.”
She didn’t respond that time, just stared at him.
“But I was wrong.”
She blinked in surprise.
“Yeah, I can admit it. I told you before, I realized it within a week of leaving. It took me a few more weeks to man up and go back to you, but by then, you were gone.”
She nodded. “I couldn’t stay. Not in that apartment, where I saw you everywhere I looked. My sheets still smelled like you.”
“I wish you would’ve tried harder to find me,” he said sadly.
It was apparently the wrong thing to say. Milena stood and glared down at him. “Yeah? When should I have done that? When I was throwing up from the morning sickness I had all freaking day? Oh, I know, maybe when I started bleeding so badly, I thought I’d lost my baby. Or how about when I had to quit my job at the VA and move back here because I was put on bed rest? I had to be waited on hand and foot because I was scared if I moved even an inch in the wrong direction, I’d kill our son. How about when I started labor four weeks early and my parents had to rush me to the hospital? Or when JT wasn’t breathing when they finally got him out? Maybe I should’ve been trying to find you then, huh?”
“Doc,” TJ said softly, trying to stop her tirade, with no luck.
“Or maybe you think I should have resumed the search for my baby’s daddy—after he left without a fucking word—when I was up trying to soothe JT in the middle of the night? He was colicky, TJ. Do you know what that means? It means he cried nonstop. Literally. For hours, and nothing I did could calm him down. There were times I had to step away from him so I wouldn’t hurt my baby. Should I have tried to find you then?”
TJ didn’t think, he just stood and stepped into Milena’s personal space. But he didn’t stop there. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close until her head was resting against him, much like his son’s had earlier.
He felt her hands clench the sleeves of his T-shirt in her fists, but she didn’t push him away.
“Why should I have tried to find you, TJ?” she asked sadly, a little calmer now. “You threw me away like I was nothing. I didn’t think you wanted anything to do with me. Why would I have gone out of my way to find you when my world felt like it was ending, to put myself through the agony of hearing that you didn’t want anything to do with me or your baby?”
“I want you. I want you both.”
She stiffened, and he hurried to clarify. “I’m not going to take him away from you, Doc. I would never do that. You’re his mother. The one person in this world I have no doubt would die for him if necessary. No…I take that back. One of two people in this world who would die for him.”
Milena picked her head up at that. She looked at him with tears sparkling in her eyes, but didn’t say anything. She just stared at him as if she were trying to read his mind.
“I’m so sorry I left. So fucking sorry I wasn’t by your side, holding your hair back as you got sick because of our child. Sorry I wasn’t there to take you to the hospital when you started bleeding. Sorry for not being there to spoil and pamper you when you were bedbound. You’ll never know how damn sorry I am that I wasn’t around to share the stress and worry when our son wouldn’t stop crying. But I’m going to make it up to you, Doc. Mark my words.”
“How? You can’t turn back the clock, TJ. You can’t go back in time.”
“I know, but starting from this moment, I can damn well be sure not to miss another second of his life. You need anything, and I mean anything, you call me. If you’re too tired to get up and change his diaper, call me and I’ll come over and do it. You need someone to watch him? I’ll do it. If he has a doctor’s appointment, I want to be there. If he skins his goddamn knee, I want to be there to kiss and make it better.
“And not only that, I’m going to take care of you too. You look tired, Doc. You need to sleep more. I’ll make sure you get the naps you need. I’ll treat you to a spa day. Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Hell, you want to take a girls’ trip out of town with Sadie, I’ll pay for that too. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I’ll make sure you get it.”
“You can’t make up for all that you’ve missed with money.”
Her words pierced his heart, but not for the reason she might think. “I am perfectly aware that I can’t get the last two years back. And, Doc, I don’t blame you. You’re right, it wasn’t your responsibility to find me. I should’ve tried harder to track you down. If I had, you wouldn’t have been alone. And that’s all on me. But I’m here now.”
“Because Jeremiah and Jonathan are still on the loose.”
“Yes and no. Nothing would keep me from protecting you against those assholes, but even if they weren’t in the picture, I’d be here.”
“I want you in JT’s life,” Milena said softly. “I wouldn’t have told him about you for the last two years if I didn’t, but you and me…we aren’t meant to be.”
TJ tightened his arms around her. “You’re wrong. You were the reason I pulled my head out of my ass and applied to be a patrolman. I did it for you. To be a man you could be proud of.”
“TJ,” she protested weakly.
“I love you, Doc,” TJ admitted, letting everything he was feeling show in his eyes. “I loved you practically from the first time you gave me shit in the VA hospital. I loved you even more after our first kiss in the supply closet in that damn place. I agreed to move into your apartment when I didn’t have any other place to go because I loved you. When you made the first move and stood in your doorway with nothing on but one of my T-shirts and invited me to sleep in y
our bed, I thought my heart would burst with how much I fucking loved you.”
He brought his hands up to her face and framed it, tilting her chin up in the process so she had to look into his eyes.
“When we went out to eat that one night, someone dropped something in the kitchen. It freaked me out—and you didn’t even blink. We went home and you knew exactly what I needed. You took off your red sundress and let me take you how I wanted. I loved you when I was fucking you as you leaned over that couch. I knew I wasn’t wearing a condom, but I didn’t care. I needed to mark you. Needed to leave a part of myself inside your body. And I loved that you let me. I needed you desperately, and you gave me you. All of you. That was the night JT was created, wasn’t it?”
She nodded, her head still in his grasp.
“And I know this is hard to believe, but I loved you even when I left that night. So much, I thought you were better off without me. But I was wrong. We’re better when we’re together. I felt it then, and I feel it now. I never stopped loving you, Doc. Never. I fucked up, I know it. You know it. Your parents know it. Hell, JT probably even knows it somehow. But there’s no way I’m walking away a second time.”
“I don’t think I can do it again.”
“You can do anything you set your mind on, Doc.”
She didn’t respond, just stared up at him with sad eyes.
TJ took a deep breath and forced himself to drop his hands and step away from the love of his life. He’d hurt her, badly. It wasn’t going to be as easy as apologizing to have her take him back, that was obvious. He knew his Milena was stubborn, but he was more so. He’d sat on rooftops in the scorching Middle Eastern heat for hours before taking a shot. He could take as much time as needed to get her to trust him again. To love him.
“I’m going to call my Human Resources department and get you and JT put on my insurance.”
“What?” she asked.