by Honor James
Olivia blushed and leaned her head against the headrest, her cheek actually so she could look back at Nathan. “Did he ever mention that he and I have one heck of a history together? I want to live in today, however, and hope for tomorrow.” Wildly enough, she wanted to include Nathan in her tomorrow. The times she spent with him when he had been watching over her she had gotten to know him quite well. She had enjoyed her time with him, more than she could possibly tell him.
“Hell no,” he said, shaking his head. “Not even once. Shit, it took me about three weeks to even get him to say anything to me in basic. He was the quiet one that you didn’t piss off because he’d flatten you. Even when I did finally get something out of him, it was for him to tell me to fuck off out of his space before he flattened me. I saw it as progress though and stuck with it.”
“Well I’m glad that you did.” Olivia smiled at Nathan when she spoke. “The two of you are a good team. Lee has always been one of those men that’s very quiet at times but then at others he’s rambunctious and an absolute riot. There are times that he can make you giggle like a crazy person.”
“You are talking about Jacobs right? Ulysses S. Jacobs? Speaking of which, what the fuck does the ‘S’ stand for anyway? He won’t tell me, and none of the other guys know. For the record though, that is not the man I know at all. Personally I think that was for you, and you alone, Olivia.”
Olivia’s eyes were dancing in merriment. “You won’t tell them your middle name? Why?” She wasn’t going to tell it, that was his secret to tell, not hers. “I do know what it means, but if he doesn’t want it to be spoken aloud, I won’t. I will tell you though, it’s not as horrid as he makes you think.”
“He never said it was horrendous, he won’t even speak about it. Any time one of us has inquired about it, he gives us this look that foretells our imminent death if we don’t drop the subject. He seems to be very touchy about it if you ask me. So, come on, you know what it is, tell me please. Pretty please with a cherry on top.” He gave her a wide-eyed and pleading look.
“Nope.” Olivia would never give away Lee’s secrets, no matter what. “Just don’t ask his mother. That woman will tell you utterly everything that there is to know about him. She won’t hesitate to tell you all of his secrets and then Lee would be obliged to beat the snot out of you. You don’t want that, right?”
Nathan turned a calculating look toward Lee. “It might bloody well be worth it. Especially if I manage to get a text out to the guys before I’m rendered unconscious. They’ll pay for all my medical treatment for that tidbit of information. Even Timmons wasn’t able to ferret it out, which is odd actually. That man can find anything.”
“He’s not coming to my parents’ house,” Lee said in a firm, “no one better argue with me” tone of voice.
“I can’t say that I blame you,” Olivia said with a frown. “Nathan, please let it go? Really you don’t need to know his middle name. Right? Besides, one day when he gets married you will be there and you will see exactly what his middle name is. Don’t they typically say those names aloud?” Her heart hurt for that day when Lee would find someone to love and move on from her. She would miss him. Even more than she did already.
“Only if you tell the priest, or minister, or whatever,” Nathan said. “I doubt that’ll happen though, he’s always been a little too hung up on someone in his past.” Nathan’s light brown gaze swung over to her, and he lifted a brow.
“What?” She looked from Nathan to Lee and back again. “I’m in his past. Aren’t I?” She looked to Lee now, she couldn’t help herself. She had been wildly in love with Lee all of her life, but it was more than that. She had feelings growing for Nathan as well.
Thankfully they were saved from anything further by the sight of the cemetery looming up before them.
Lee squeezed her hand gently as he pulled into the open gate. Nathan gave her shoulder a squeeze and then settled back in his seat. Slowly Lee drove them through the carefully maintained grounds to the main building where he parked and turned off the engine.
She took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. We can do this, right?” she asked in a low tone. “You won’t leave me, either of you, right?” Okay, so that sounded more than a little clingy, but she couldn’t help it. She needed these men so that she could remain as upright as possible.
“We’ll be right beside you through it all,” Lee assured her. Lifting her hand, he kissed her knuckles gently. He let go to unbuckle himself, and then get out of the car. He walked around to open the door for her. Taking her hand in his he helped her out of the car, and drew her in closer to him so he could wrap his arm around her in a one arm hug. “I’m right here,” he said softly against her temple.
“I’m glad that you are.” Honesty all but rolled off of her. She was very grateful to have Lee and even Nathan there with her for this. If she had to do it alone, she would have, but being able to lean on them hopefully meant she wouldn’t be so broken and downtrodden later.
Chapter Six
At the hotel a couple hours later, Jacobs stood looking out over the landscape. Not that he was really seeing any of it. He was buried inside his own head at the moment. Even the sounds of Gordon and Olivia in the suite were more background noise than anything.
When they’d checked in, Olivia had gone to take a bath while Gordon had ordered up some room service for them all. For Jacobs, all he’d wanted was a drink, maybe two or three given his current mood. In the reflection of the window he could see Gordon tipping the staff who’d brought in the cart of food. The smell of it turned his gut and made the rock sitting there seem bigger.
He hadn’t expected the sight of the broken gravestone to hit him as hard as it had. He hadn’t known the little life that was buried there under the marker. But it had. It had torn into him like a wild beast going for his heart. Thankfully Gordon had stepped up to ask questions, get answers, and help both Jacobs and Olivia get through the afternoon.
Lifting the glass again he took a sip of the Scotch, and let the liquid burn down into his roiling innards. He should likely eat something, but the thought wasn’t all that appealing. At the moment he’d rather stew, and hate himself for not being there for Olivia when he damn well should have been.
He could smell the sweet scent that was all Olivia when the bathroom door opened and she walked out in the hotel robe. Part of him wanted her to be wearing his clothing, his shirt, but then another part knew he couldn’t ask that of her, yet. “Did you pour one for me?” she asked in that voice that held as much pain as he felt brewing inside of himself. “Where do we go from here? We know that they targeted Lee’s grave, so where do we go now?” It had been painfully obvious to himself, and everyone that the tiny grave had been the only one that had been accosted.
Turning slightly, he lifted the other glass he’d poured with a smaller amount of the potent alcohol off the side table and handed it to her. He returned his gaze to out the window as he shrugged. “At this moment, I don’t know,” he said. He couldn’t get his mind to move past the pain he was feeling. Hopefully by morning he might have it buried deep with all his other regrets, and pain. He had to get it out of his head otherwise he was less than useless to Olivia. He was a fucking liability.
Olivia squeezed his forearm. She was looking up at him with worry clear in her eyes. “I need you with me, Lee. Are you going to be okay? Are you going to be able to move past this so that we can figure this all out, together?”
He had to swallow hard, and even then there was a huge lump in his throat. “I don’t know, Olivia,” he whispered. He could hear the pain in his own voice. Slipping his arm around her shoulders he pulled her in closer to him, and pressed a kiss to her hair. He let his eyes close as he breathed her in. “Right now I can’t see beyond the pain. Tomorrow will be better.” It had to be, it would be.
“How can I help?” She was leaning into him, her arm snaking around his waist and holding onto him as he clung to her. “I’ve had years to come to terms w
ith the loss of our son. You’ve had minutes, comparatively. Do you need for us to leave you alone for a bit?” She was trying to do whatever he needed in that moment, he could feel it and knew it from how she spoke yet held onto him.
He felt a spark of anger. Not so much at her, but more directed at himself. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have any answers to give her. For the second time in his life, he couldn’t see beyond the moment and the tearing pain shredding him from inside. Taking a breath, Jacobs fought down his instinctive need to lash out at her, to tell her to do whatever the fuck she wanted, to just push her away. It wouldn’t achieve anything except for hurting her more, and he’d already hurt her enough already. So he hugged her closer to him, and shook his head. “I don’t know,” he whispered in a defeated tone. Because he didn’t, he had no clue what he needed, what he wanted, or where to go from there.
“Then just hold me. I will hold onto you. Cry if you need to cry, let it all out. Don’t let it fester. I did that, for too long. It’s not healthy and will only lead you over the edge. You will have another son one day. I know you, Lee, you will know what it feels like to hold your child one day.”
He hated to hear her say that, at least in that tone of voice. Jacobs couldn’t see himself with anyone beyond her. She’d always been all he’d thought about, dreamed of, and hoped for in his life. When he’d thought of maybe one day settling down, it had always been with Olivia at his side. For him there was no one else. It didn’t mean he hadn’t tried, he had when he’d been brokenhearted to find another Olivia. But every woman had been a pale imitation of the perfection he saw in her.
She’d laugh, blush even if he told her he saw her as perfect, and then divert the conversation away from herself. It didn’t alter the truth he saw or felt. “Doubtful.” He finally answered her. Lifting his head, he took a sip of the scotch. “Can’t have kids when the woman you want doesn’t want you, now can you?” he asked. He didn’t look at her, he couldn’t right then. It hurt to look at her and know he’d never have her again in his life, in his bed, and in his heart as his own.
“Then she’s pretty damn stupid.” Olivia tossed back the rest of her drink, he noticed through his peripheral vision. “I know if there was the slightest chance in hell you would ever want me back in your life I would be there. I might have been bitchy at the beginning, but it was only because it opened up the old wounds that I had hoped healed.”
That had his head snapping around to stare down at her. “What?” he croaked out. Setting his glass aside he took hers, and put it down before gripping both of her shoulders so he could square her off to him. “Do you mean that?” he asked. Jacobs felt hope blossoming, and for once he didn’t squash it down. He let it grow as he stared at her and waited.
“Jesus God are you kidding me?” she asked him with her eyes as wide as saucers. “Ulysses Jacobs, I have been in love with you for longer than I care to admit. Even with the time between us it didn’t change anything.” She hesitated, however, and he saw her glance toward Nathan and then when she whispered he had to lean in to hear her. “Well, maybe added one thing?” He could hear the question in her voice and the uncertainty.
His brain was registering her words, looks, and everything but all he could really focus on was that she loved him. Still. Releasing the breath he’d been holding, he cupped her face in his and leaned in. “I never once stopped loving you, Olivia. I tried, God did I try, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t kidding when I said you were the only reason I survived that cave. The love I had, and still have for you, and all the memories are all that kept me alive. I held on to the hope that maybe one day I’d be able to tell you. Even knowing you were married according to what my parents told me, I still had to tell you I never could let you go fully.”
She snorted and shook her head. “Yeah, never got married. Never found anyone that was good enough to replace you. You ruined me for other men, Lee.” He felt her go on her tip toes, only because it added an extra inch to her height. “I wouldn’t mind if you kissed me though.” He saw the hesitation in her eyes. Heard her whisper, “I need you to know something though.” Her words were quiet as she spoke to him. “I might have a small crush on Nathan as well.”
Up went his brows as he fought to keep his lips from twitching. The next part was harder since he was surprised by the playful mood he finally found himself in. Forcing his brows down into a glare, he narrowed his eyes. “Excuse me?” he asked. He was totally messing with her, but he wanted to see what she’d say. He’d let her off the hook soon enough, but he had ten years of yanking her chain to catch up on and that moment, which needed to be lightened, seemed to be the perfect place to start.
“He’s spent a lot of time on my couch these last couple of months and I’ve gotten to know him. I think that he’s sexy and sweet.” He saw the grin on her lips as she spoke to him, her hands on his chest as she swayed closer. “He’s not you, but he is someone that I could see myself becoming very close to. Much like some of your other friends have threesome relationships, do you think that we could?”
Her hopeful tone totally screwed him up for messing with her, or teasing her further. He liked seeing the shadows that had clouded her eyes being pushed aside for the light. Lowering his forehead to touch hers, he nodded. “I’m sure we could,” he said softly. Slipping his arms around her loosely, he stared down into her eyes. “He’s tried to pull me out of my funk over you many times over the years. Usually in just that sort of setting. Nothing worked of course, not when the only woman I loved wasn’t mine to have, or to love anymore.” Dropping a light kiss on her lips, he drew back not wanting to push her too far, too fast. Especially since he still wasn’t in the best of places yet.
“Now you have me,” she said simply. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. The only thing that I’m going to do is make you keep me. No more walking out on me, Lee, or I swear I will tell absolutely everyone your middle name.” He could see she was mostly teasing him.
“You’d better not,” he said. “That is a fucking secret for a reason,” he told her in what he hoped was a firm and “don’t fuck with me” tone of voice. The smirk on her face told him it wasn’t as firm as it should have been. “I will never, ever walk out on you again. But you know I may need to walk away to cool off. You better than most know the temper I have and that I sometimes have to walk away so that I can get back to a place where I’m not an asshole.”
“I know that you have a temper. Goodness, I’ve had some massive rows with you, however you had better always run back to me. Do you understand that? If you walk away from me you had better run your ass back to me.”
“Yes ma’am,” he said softly.
A throat clearing had them both looking over to Nathan. Waving a fork their way, he leaned an elbow to his knee. “So, you two about done figuring out you still love one another or what? ’Cause there is a shit load of food over here, and while I’m completely content to continue eating my way through it all on my own while watching this personalized soap drama unfold, there is a shit load of food here. I didn’t bring anything with a stretchy waist with me, and no way in fuck am I shopping in old folks’ retirement village for anything. So get your asses over here, and help me eat some of this. Especially since I ordered what the two of you wanted, damn it.”
Olivia’s laughter was music to Lee’s ears. “Whatever you say, Nathan.” Olivia gave him another hug before moving away from him and approaching the heavily laden food trolley that room service had brought in.
“Thank God,” he muttered. “Oh, hand me that thing there. The plate of whatever the hell it is. It’s been taunting me way too long from over there, and it needs to be taught a lesson.”
Snorting, Jacobs turned to look out the window once more as he picked up his glass. Giving the landscape a quick once-over, he finished off his scotch, set the glass aside, and went to join the other two. While everything was still a mess around them and inside of him, at least he knew where he stood with Olivia finally. Odd th
at it made all the difference in helping him to settle a little.
Chapter Seven
The next morning came far too quickly for Olivia. Even though she had confessed her feelings for Lee, she had slept alone last night. Again. She understood it, in a way, but she was damn tired of being alone.
Olivia rose and showered for the day. After changing into jeans and a t-shirt, she was ready to conquer the world or at least hopefully the demons that tossed themselves into her path today. She wasn’t surprised to smell coffee when she opened the bedroom door on the suite that they were all sharing. “Oh goodness, that smells like heaven. Please tell me it’s fresh?” She had no idea who was up, but knew that one of the guys was in the room otherwise there wouldn’t be fresh coffee ready for her.
“Course it is,” Nathan told her. “Fresh ground, French-pressed coffee with all the fixings to go along with.” He tipped his head to the sofa where she saw Lee sleeping. “He was up half the night pacing around. I think he’s managed two hours, maybe.” Nathan held out a cup of hot brew to her and pointed to the cream, milk, sugar, and other sweeteners.
“Thank you.” She stepped in closer to Nathan and after doctoring up her coffee turned to look out at the sofa where Lee slept. “I don’t know how to help him or what to do for him and it’s killing me a bit inside.” She took a sip of her drink and lowered her voice again. “I’m worried for when we confront his parents. And my mom. Worried about why they lied to him.”
“Be there for him,” Nathan said. “Stand by his side, know that sometimes that’s all he needs, and let him come to you. He’s having to deal with a lot, ten years’ worth really, and it’s all hit him really hard and fast. As for your parents—” He gave a shrug as he stared at her. “Why does anyone tell a lie?”