by Diana W
"I don't know exactly where to start," he cleared his throat.
"That's easy," I clasped my fingers together on top of the table. "Just start with why you felt the need to run off without a trace like the coward you were...are," I corrected with hunched shoulders and the hugest sarcastic smile plastered on my face.
"It wasn't exactly like that Cassie," he countered.
"Oh," I perked up. "Did the letter you wrote me get lost in the mail? Carrier pigeon got confused on the direction to my dorm room?"
"Cassie, I was twenty–one. Twenty-one," his voice elevated. "I didn't know how to deal. Not with that."
"And I did?!" I slapped the table catching myself off guard. "I just needed someone to understand how I felt. Someone who experienced the same thing as me. Help me process all the emotions that were coming at me, but no. I got to dive head first into a depression that I thought was going to send me in the same direction as Shanice," I looked away with that admittance.
The sudden warmth of his hands covering mine made me turn back.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," his grip tightened. "I was young...and stupid...and scared. You didn't deserve it and my apologies will never be enough to rewrite history, but I hope it's a start to having some closure when it comes to me. "
I didn't know if closure was the correct word but hearing him apologize did bring a bit of calm. With all the chaos surrounding me, I finally had an area of my past that I could place a "why" aspect to.
I nodded in response trying to process our interaction. We were still joined at the hands, staring at each other with this weird telepathic conversation of forgiveness.
"Y'all need some coffee?" is what thankfully, interrupted whatever that moment was. Our designated waitress, who looked like she should've been home on her plastic covered sofa watching reruns of Murder She Wrote or knitting an item of clothing nobody would wear, stood there....well, hunched there, waiting for an answer.
"No ma'am, I'm ok," I spoke up first, relocating both of my hands to under the table.
"You sure?" Julian glanced at me.
I nodded. There was no way in hell my battle with sleep would go over well with caffeine in the mix.
"We're good,” he smiled at...Doreen?
Lord, this poor woman.
She nodded at the both of us and took off like a sloth to wherever she came from.
"Well, I need to be getting home," I reached for my keys already deciding this would be the perfect time for an exit.
"Ok,” Julian’s hands smoothed over the waves of his head. “Thank you for taking time out to listen to me."
That’s funny.
It's not like he really gave me an option but ok.
I scooted to the edge of the booth. "I would apologize for that slap earlier, but then I'd be lying for the sake of being cordial."
Surprisingly, he chuckled. "It's all good. It was nice to see that grown woman, fiery side of you."
I humorously rolled my eyes at that statement. If he only knew how much things had changed with me. Young, impressionable Cassie that hung onto his every word died along with Shanice. Getting my back turned on by the only two men I’ve ever had relationships with, jades you whether you want to be or not.
"Goodnight Julian," I nodded and stood up.
"Hold up." He leaned over and dug into his back pocket. He retrieved a wallet and opened it, pulling out a sleek, all-black card. "Here," he held it towards me. "I'm in town for a while and I mean, I'd love to catch up with you minus the violence," his lips curled into a smirk.
I purposely took the card with my left hand. My goal was to obnoxiously blind him with my wedding ring, but being the idiot I was, I hadn’t been wearing it for over two weeks now.
"Freelance cinematographer huh?" I scanned it over. "You stayed on track with your passion, I see."
"To an extent," he cleared his throat.
I didn’t bother to ponder on that implication. Didn’t need a reason to add more time to this conversation I was trying to end.
I slipped the card into my purse and held up my car keys, signaling that I was once again leaving.
I'd gotten about two strides past Julian and heard him call my name.
"Yes," I looked over my shoulder.
"You look good. Real good Cass," he hummed out.
I'd never lacked in the booty department, not even as a teenager, so I had an idea as to where that compliment was directed.
There was no point in telling him he did too, so I turned back around and continued on my walk. I made it just shy of the entrance and stopped in my tracks as Lucas walked in.
I hadn't seen him since the day he told me off and I couldn’t decide if to completely ignore him or be two for two today and cuss his ass out too. He was in uniform though, so I decided to follow my first mind and just keep in route to my car.
"Hey there," his surprised baby blues landed on me.
"Hi," I kept it short, almost death glaring him.
He must've sensed my mood. "Hey, about the other day. I shouldn't have said what I said."
"But you did," my arms folded.
"And you did too," he refuted. "You can't be a culprit and the victim."
I mean whatever. He had a point but whatever.
"Whatever. Stop using cop terms on me," was the only thing I could think of to avoid apologizing. I didn't completely regret what I said to him, but I recognized how disrespectful it may have come off, especially to someone who had been, in my opinion, overly helpful to me.
He stared at me briefly and then his lips curled into a smile.
“Apology accepted. What are you doing over here anyway?”
“Catching up with an old friend,” I pointed to the booth I’d just left from but Julian wasn’t there.
Must’ve went to the restroom.
“And what about you? About to get some donuts?” I tried my best not to giggle at my implication.
“Ha... Ha,” he replied sarcastically. “Like I haven’t heard that one a million times.”
“And yet, here you are.”
“Because they have good sandwiches,” he held up his hands amused.
I squinted up at his face not buying that response.
“….and good buttermilk drops,” he finally admitted.
We both laughed at that one.
An awkward silence followed as we looked around in opposite directions.
"Well, I need to go-"
"You can join me."
We started simultaneously and stopped again to laugh at each other.
"I've had a day from hell," I sighed. "I really just need to go home and attempt to sleep."
"Attempt?"
"Yeah. It's been eluding me since all this shit with my husband. It's fine though," I shrugged.
Lucas was already shaking his head in disapproval. "No, it's not fine. I have something for that in my bag in the unit. I'll walk you out and get it for you."
He held the door open for me to exit.
"What are you, like Mr. Fix it?" I stepped out of the diner.
"No," he smiled. "Just prepared."
He opened the door of his unit and reached in the black duffel. He pulled out a small white and green bottle and placed it in my hand.
"You'd be surprised how well these things work."
"Melatonin," I read the label aloud. "Now why the hell didn't I think of this?" I looked up at Lucas, but his attention was behind me staring intently at something. I followed his line of vision but didn’t see anything or anyone he could be looking at.
"You ok?"
"Yeah,” he blinked a few times before returning his gaze to me. "Yeah. Just take one tonight and let me know how it goes."
"Uhhh how do I know this is what it says it is on the bottle?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you’re pushing pills to me that don't have a packaging seal on the cap," I showed him. "How do I know you ain't drugging me?”
"Seriously?" He gave me an incredulous look.
"You're the one standing there complaining about not getting sleep and now I have to be a drug dealer cop too? You are truly one for the books."
"So, you don't have an unopened one?" I replied somewhere in between playing and seriousness.
Lucas took a deep breath and grabbed the bottle from my hand and went back in his bag in the car. Couple of seconds later, he was placing a bottle of the same kind in my hand, but with an untouched plastic seal.
"Thanks!" I held up the bottle and turned on my heels. I was almost to my car when the thought hit me.
"Now how exactly will I let you know if these work on me or not?"
We’ve only been seeing each other in passing.
"I guess you'll finally have to use that card I gave you Cah-sandwich," he started cackling as he went into the diner.
But I’m the asshole?
Chapter 8
"Are you planning on being fake fancy tonight?" Denise asked with her face fully engulfed in her phone.
"Umm when the hell have I ever been that?" I looked away from the bathroom mirror. She was one to talk. The woman puts on an entire face to go to the gas station.
"Oh, don't front," she gave me a stupid look. "You get in those moments when you wanna eat food that comes on a toddler plate with parsley for decoration. I mean I know I have high quality taste," she crossed her long legs with her heels that screamed you can't afford me, "but not when it comes to my stomach."
I rolled my eyes and went back to applying my lipstick. Who had time for Denise's foolishness was not me. I can always tell when she gets into it with Gerald. She turns bratty and annoying, but I was going to be the adult and ignore it. This was going to be my first time, in a long time, actually leaving the house for a place other than work. All I wanted was a nice meal and a big glass of something with fermented grapes mixed in it.
"Have you talked to Elliott?"
I popped my lips making sure the deep pink color was even. "Not since the day he showed up here when I got home from work."
"Sooo are you done with him? Like for good?"
"Christ Denise, I don't know. Why are we talking about Elliott?" I threw the lipstick in my purse. He was the very thing I was trying to clear my head of.
"Because you aren't," she stood up from the bed. "Every time I ask you about him or the next steps, you do this. Get mad at me like I'm asking something outrageous. Eventually you'll need to actually have a conversation with him or at least have a plan."
"I don't have to do shit," I walked past her and slid on my grey-heeled booties.
"Really Cas?"
"Yes, really Denise," I stood by the bedroom entrance. "Are we going or not?"
"You're really hard-headed, you know that?" She rolled her eyes walking past me.
"So, I've heard," I trailed her down the steps.
We were both quiet on the drive to the hibachi spot, but it didn't bother me. Our squabbles were pretty standard and would be over by the time the vegetable tempura landed on the table. I needed her to realize that this was not just some normal argument between Elliott and me. This was infidelity. Betrayal. Things you can't just talk out and fix.
Denise was a grown woman, still pouting as the special sangrias I ordered were placed in front of us. I took a sip from my own and glanced out of the window at the passing streetcar.
"I saw Julian," I opened my dinner napkin and placed it over my lap.
"What Julian?" She replied faster than I expected her to which told me that regular Denise was back.
"How many Julians do you know?"
She quickly adjusted her posture in the chair, leaning over the table like she was getting to the good part of a movie. "Holy shit. I mean How? What did you do?"
"Slapped the shit outta him," my left eyebrow raised as I took a long suck from my straw.
Denise's jaw damn near hit the floor. "No, you didn't. Tell me you didn't cut up that bad."
"Girl," I held my mouth trying my best not to laugh my drink out over everything, "I was on him like a spider monkey.”
"Yo ass is really crazy?!" She hooted, slapping her legs in the process. "Oh, I wish I could've seen his face after that."
"A cat in headlights sis. A cat in five finger headlights."
The situation was pretty funny looking back on it despite the complete opposite as it was happening.
"Well, what happened after that? He just left and shit?" She paused and thanked the waiter who had just delivered our clear soups and ginger salads.
"I thought he would've, but he popped up at my car after I got off, wanting to talk, well explain himself."
"And you talked to his high yella behind, didn't you?" She held the salad filled fork by her mouth awaiting an answer.
I closed my eyes and sighed.
"Just open. Nose was always wide open with him," she started chewing and shaking her head.
"I deserved the explanation Dee Dee. He owed me that," I whined and took a sip of my soup.
"I'm not arguing that he didn't. I'm just saying that he was hard to shake the first time, so I'm assuming now would be even worse."
"Who said I was reconnecting with him?" I gave her an odd look. "Umm I'm still married," I reminded.
I had no plans of any sort to take it there with Julian. He was an ex and an ex for a reason. My thoughts and emotions were still being sorted out with Elliott. I didn't have the time nor the desire for anybody else.
She sucked her teeth, "Yeah, ok. "
I waved her off. "So why was your mood so shitty earlier? Period started?"
"No," she rolled her eyes. "It's nothing."
"Nah heffa, it's something. Coming at me damn crazy like I don't have enough stuff going on," I raised an eyebrow.
She took a few sips from her soup. "Gerald won't come,” she finally spoke up.
"Come where?"
"No...he won't....cum...like orgasm?" She corrected.
Immediately, I started choking on a piece of lettuce. "I'm sorry, what? Why? Why is this happening? Why are we talking about this?"
Of all the things that could be wrong with her, this?
"I'm serious, Cass. He'll have sex with me but lately won't do that."
"Is he half mutant? How the hell does he stop himself from doing that?"
"Fuck if I know," she threw her hands up. "We've been arguing about his video games more than usual lately, but our arguments usually lead to some mind blowing. sex. But now, it's missing some umph and the umph is that."
I couldn’t believe I was actually having this conversation with her.
"So, have you confronted him about it?"
Denise took a long sip of her drink, "No. I don't know how."
Shit, me either.
"Well you gotta try something to get him to open up about it. It sounds psychological."
"Yeah, I'll figure something out," she looked out of the window. "My bad for pressing you about Elliott earlier," she sighed. "You just seemed so happy with him and I just want that for you again," her eyes floated to me. "All I ever want is for you to be happy."
"I know," I smiled already knowing her reasoning. "I'm not gonna lie. I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts to think about it, but I don't know if we're fixable. I don't know how to not feel pain when I think about him and that girl."
The waiter came back with our salmon hibachi dinners and took away our depleted bowls.
"A call may help. Or even a text to him. You never know," she shrugged a little.
"True."
I had been toying with the idea of reaching out to him for a few days now. I felt stupid every time the thought hit me though. Why was this burden on me? He messed our good thing up now the weight of our future was in my hands. It was unfair and infuriating but still...we had years in our marriage. This wasn't some fling or high school boyfriend. We needed a resolution, even if it resulted in us parting ways permanently.
The rest of dinner was enjoyable once we got past our marital discussions. We gossiped about our favorite tv shows
and some of the weird parents at Tyler's school. I don't know why they stuck my nephew in that private school with kids who barely interacted with black people on a daily basis. There was always some drama DeeDee had to end up at the school over.
As we were walking to the car, Denise squealed, “Let’s split a slice of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake like we used to do."
"Uh uh," I looped my arm in hers. "This depressive shit finally took off the weight I gained from being married. My lil coke bottle coming back and you want me right back to a gallon milk jug."
Denise fell over laughing and so did I. Clearly, those drinks were working their way through both of our systems.
"Oh, stop it!" She playfully pushed my arm. "When have you ever not been fine? Especially with mama's hips and ass."
"But you took all the boobs," I countered.
She touched her chest, "Them shits still sittin' pretty too."
"Show off," I fake fussed at them double Ds. Them thangs were envy worthy.
"No, you're the show off," she slapped my ass making it jiggle. "You ain't even gotta try and twerk and it moves but look at this struggle." She stopped a few feet from the car and bent over in her jersey material skirt, bouncing her butt cheeks. She was working hard too.
"Dee Dee!" I cackled. "It's moving!"
"Nah man," she was still bent over. "I want my shit to move like an ocean wave."
I almost fell onto the pavement. "I hate you I swear!"
"I know, I know! With my non-cumming husband having ass!" She stood up laughing with tears falling from her eyes.
"Man!" I was trying to breathe from laughing so hard. "Get in the car fool!"
We were both still reeling when I turned to her, "You know what?! Let's get some damn cheesecake! Two of em!"
"Yasssss! That's what I'm talking about," Denise strapped on her seatbelt. "Calories be dammed!"
I pulled off in the direction of Cheesecake Bistro, turning up the volume to the music already playing.
We pulled up to a red light, singing the bounce version of Anita Baker's "No One in The World". As we approached the restaurant, Denise started tapping my arm with a sense of urgency.
"What, girl?" I turned the volume down trying to decide if I should valet or attempt to find a parking spot.