by Lee Stringer
Levi turned the truck around, and headed out the path again, the headlights getting lost in the trees.
“I told you Im not going to a hotel. The moment is gone.”
“Okay. Go back to the Anchor Inn then.”
“No. Bring me home.”
“Come on now. Dont be sulky.”
“Bring me home.”
“Alright.”
They drove in silence for a while.
“I suppose you thinks Im a queer now,” Levi said.
“No. But I understands you now. Ive been around men like you before.”
“Have you now.”
“Men like you dont cheat on your wives because youre afraid of women.”
Levi laughed.
“Laugh all you wants. Its true.”
“You thinks you got it all figured out.”
“I do. Youre all dogs.”
“This one here aint no dog.”
“Youre here with me aint you? In heat.”
“Im not married anymore. It whudnt my decision. And I think youre the one in heat.”
“Theres no truly faithful men. Its not in your blood.”
“I loved my wife, but thats only half the reason I didnt cheat on her. I thinks theres lots of men out there that cheats that still loves their wife. Theres two reasons I didnt cheat. Number one, I got a daughter. Cheating on the wife would have been like cheating on me daughter too. Number two, Im a man of me word. When I stood up in church and put that ring on her finger and promised her and God and the people in that church that Id always be faithful to her I whudnt joking. If Im nothing else, Im a man of me word.”
Sarah had no response except to guide him to her home.
When they pulled in the driveway the headlights swept up over the giant front windows. All dark. A new Toyota Tundra was parked in the driveway.
“That aint no shack youre living in there.”
“The bigger it is the more lonely you feels.”
“I could fit two of me houses in that.”
“You should come in.”
“I thought you didnt want to do anything?”
“Who said we was going to do anything?”
“What if your daughter comes over?”
“Oh my God Levi! Youre a real Nervous Nelly you is. Go the fuck home out of it then. Or go back to the bar.”
“I bet you was one goodlooking woman in your day.”
She stood with the door open. “In my day!”
“You is now — you knows what I means.”
“Youre not going to give me a goodbye kiss?”
Levi slid over on the seat and once again felt the wonderfully foreign touch of another woman on his lips. But now he was able to concentrate on his other senses, like the taste of mint gum in her mouth, her smell, and the sound of her breath.
“So is you coming in?”
“In your house?”
“Im not going to ask you again. Park behind the shed though. People around here talks about me enough as it is.”
Levi pulled the truck around the barn style shed that was as big as his house and followed Sarah into her home.
She led him straight from the porch to the bedroom.
“You dont waste time,” Levi said.
“No. I dont.”
She didn’t turn on the lights in the bedroom, but began taking off her clothes. Levi stood there feeling foolish, his heart pounding, and then began doing the same. He hoped he smelled okay. He had taken a shower in the morning, but that seemed like a long time ago.
“Keeping your underwear on?” she said, laughing.
“Well, wer not doing anything yet,” he said.
“No? I plan to very soon.”
“Give me a chance to warm up,” he said, and hauled her naked body close to his. She giggled as they hugged into each other. Her strange body felt wonderful under his arms.
After a few minutes of kissing they began to explore each other, but when she reached down between his legs he could immediately feel that something was wrong. Even his lower belly retracted from her touch. Mentally he thought he was ready for sex, but no matter how hard he willed himself otherwise he could not convince his body that he wasn’t being groped by a stranger. Because she was. Any woman this physically close who wasn’t Anita was a stranger.
“Whats wrong?” she said after trying to get him going.
“I dont know,” he said, laughing to pretend as if it wasn’t a big deal. “Maybe its the booze. Maybe Im an old fart. I dont know.”
“Oh come on now. Youre not that old. Is it me? Is I doing something wrong? Maybe my hands are cold.”
“No my dear, its not you. Its all me. I just dont know why.”
She put her head back on the pillow and sighed with obvious frustration.
“Im sorry,” he said.
“No. Its okay. It happens. Its just…I was really in the mood. I still am.”
“Dont have any Viagra by any chance?” Levi said, his sad smile hidden in the darkness.
“Yeah, Ive got a jar full under the bed,” she said.
“This never happened to me before.”
“I know.”
“It really didnt.”
“I believes you.”
“Fuck.”
“Oh dont get mad. That just makes it worse. Just cuddle in and keep me warm. Maybe something will stir down there in the morning.”
Again they both laughed, but Levi was so humiliated he felt like crying.
Lost
Levi woke up with a morning erection, but Sarah was not in the bed. What else could he do but laugh? Even though he was still embarrassed from the night before, he was somewhat relieved that he had not had sex with her. He still felt that all was not lost with Anita, and if they ever got back together he wanted to be able to hold his fidelity over her head.
Then it dawned on him that he was in another man’s bedroom, lying in another man’s bed. Even if what Sarah had said about their open relationship was true it still sickened him. In shame he put on his clothes and went down stairs. Sarah was making breakfast.
“Good morning,” she said, holding a pan of sizzling bacon over the stove.
“Good morning,” Levi said, trying not to be too obvious as he surveyed this stranger’s home. He wanted to leave, but felt bad considering the trouble she was going through to fix him a meal. The kitchen, bigger than his living room, was floored with ceramic tile. The living room, with half the square footage of his whole house, had an oak floor. The ceiling was vaulted with a massive skylight.
“This is a nice home you got here,” Levi said, as he tried to pretend he wasn’t speeding through breakfast. There were family pictures on the wall and he was doing his best to avoid looking at them. He didn’t want to see her husband’s face.
“Thank-you. Its the best Albertas money can buy.”
“How long has he been working out west?”
“Hes been bouncing around in the oil sands since the mid-nineties.”
Levi was going to ask her another question when she jumped up from the table and ran to the living room window.
“Oh shit!” she said.
“What?” Levi said, standing up from the table. “Is it your husband?”
“Worse. Its me daughter. The religious one. You got to go. Through the back door. Go out to your truck, wait a few minutes, and then just drive away.”
Levi scrambled to put his sneakers and coat on in the front porch, then ran for the back door.
“Youre a nice guy, Levi,” Sarah said as he was leaving. Levi went to the truck and waited a few minutes as Sarah had told him. A side-by-side ATV and three Polaris snowmobiles were up on skids. He turned on the truck and drove out around the house. He had not waited long enough, however, and a conservatively dressed young woman holding a baby carrier stared strangely at him as he passed by. He jammed on the brakes and put down the window.
“Tell your mother shes asking too much for the Polaris,” he said, and drove on.
In Delilah’s driveway was his brother Barnaby’s old Chev truck, and a new blue, full-sized Dodge Ram. He stopped, idled for a minute, and pulled back out again. He jealously hoped it wasn’t Frank’s truck, but figured it must be. A few minutes later the same truck was nearly touching Levi’s rear bumper. He was flashing his lights and honking, and Levi tried to ignore him. He drove a few kilometers before it came to his mind that something might have happened to his mother. He pulled over. Frank pulled over, hopped out of the truck, and ran up to him.
Levi rolled down his window, despite his promise to God never to speak to his brother again, but Frank opened the door. He came in close, and it seemed as if he was going to hug Levi, but Levi drew back in confusion and fixed him with a cold glare.
“What the fuck is you doing?” Levi said.
“Jesus, Levi, youre here. Is the boys with you?”
“Why wouldnt I be? What boys?”
“Bryan and the boys. You didnt hear?”
Levi’s stomach lurched.
“Fionas Fancy disappeared last night. No call out. No nothing. Theyre nowhere to be found.”
“Jesus.”
“How come you didnt answer your phone? Weve been calling you since last night.”
“I forgot it.”
“Mom is back there gone off her head. We thought you was on the boat.”
Frank’s voice caught in his throat and he had to struggle to continue.
“You was supposed to be, whudnt you? She said you was.”
“Is the Coast Guard gone out?” Levi said.
“Yes. Everybodys out. Dozens of boats out there looking for them. Me and Barnaby was just getting ready to leave.”
“Them young boys was on her too. Neither one of them was over twenty-five.”
“Greg and Mathew was in the same grade as Barnabys young fella. Two of them is twenty-one. Jesus, Levi, youre here. We thought you was gone.”
“Well Im not.”
“Im sorry, Levi.”
Levi clenched his teeth, put up his window, and turned around in the road, heading back towards his mother’s house. Frank followed.
When Levi got out of the truck Frank caught up to him. “How come you wont talk to me?”
“Im supposed to feel sorry for you because you thought I was drowned?”
“You know what I thought about? I thought about when David died. You was there with me.”
“You think because I loved David that I cant hate you?”
When Levi opened the door and his mother saw him she ran to him, her eyes bloodshot, hugging and kissing him on the forehead over and over.
“He saved you. He saved you. The man up above had all the doings with this. I prayed to him and he saved you.”
“I whudnt even out on the water, Mom, so I dont know what he saved me from.”
“It dont matter. He answered me prayers. I thought you was gone.”
Barnaby was standing awkwardly by the table, but then he rushed over and hugged into his brother. Levi wanted to hug him back, but instead he pushed him away.
“Levi!” Delilah said. “Hes happy youre alive, by. Youre his brother for God sakes. Whats the matter with you?”
With obvious hurt on his face Barnaby went past him and out the door.
“Oh my Lord,” Delilah suddenly blurted, running for her phone, “Sinead! Call Sinead!”
Levi immediately called Sinead and when she heard his voice and began to cry he felt terrible for how much he had scared her. Even if it was unintentional. They spoke for a while and he repeatedly assured her he was safe. When he got off the phone, he thought about when he was last talking to Anita.
“Where you going?” his mother said.
“I dont know.”
“Dont go yet. You come in me driveway like Lazarus from the dead and youre leaving already? Stay for a while. Watch the news with us. A lot of people might have drowned on that boat. You shouldnt be alone.”
“Im alive and well,” Levi said.
“Why whudnt you on that boat if thats where you was going?” Frank asked.
Levi shook his head. “Frank my son, do you think Im just going to talk away to you now like nothing ever happened? I might be back from the dead for you, but youre not back from the dead for me.”
“Levi!” his mother said. “Frank and Barnaby was gone off their heads just like I was. Frank was worse than me sure! Dont talk to them like that now by. Not after all this.”
“What about Anita? I should call her too.”
“Let her find out on her own,” Delilah said. “The likes of her dont deserve no better than that.”
Levi laughed. Here was the nasty side of his mother most people didn’t see. When it came to her own she was a pit bull.
“No Mom, I think Ill call her.”
Levi fantasized about how distraught Anita was. Was she sobbing? Was she preparing to fly home to his funeral?
He went to his own house to call her because he knew how nosy his mother could be and he didn’t want to indulge it. When he did call he could tell by the way Anita answered the phone that she knew nothing about the missing boat. He was disappointed. He told her what happened.
“My God,” she said. “All them gone like that? It cant be.”
“And I was supposed to be on her.”
“Oh yes, I forgot. My God.”
“It dont look good.”
“And you was supposed to be on her. What happened?”
“It could have been the extra minutes I took arguing with you on the phone before I left that saved me life,” Levi said.
“You think so?”
“Yeah. I just missed them.”
She was silent for a moment.
“Something good actually came out of our arguing.”
“Is you happy I whudnt on the boat?”
“Dont be a fool. Of course Im happy. They all could be alive yet though. We dont know.”
“I dont have a good feeling...”
“You never got a good feeling.”
“Is you happy because you still loves me?”
“We got a history, Levi. You dont forget that, no matter what happens. And you is my daughters father.”
“A history.”
“Oh my God I just thought about Mavis. Shell lose her mind if her boys is gone.”
“Wouldnt be the first to lose children.”
“No. But that dont make it any easier to understand.”
“I understands. The world is a cruel fuckin place. Theres no rhyme or reason to any of it. Not long ago I seen a young fella almost get killed at work. With his father watching. Fell off a scaffold.”
“You didnt tell me that.”
“Why would I?”
Anita sighed into the phone.
“I was with a woman last night and she wanted to sleep with me and I couldnt do it,” Levi said.
“Who?”
“You dont know her.”
“Im not surprised. Youre still a handsome man.”
“Thats the first time youve complimented me since…I cant remember.”
“So why didnt you have sex with her?”
“You want to know the truth? I couldnt get it up. Thats why I didnt fuck her. I couldnt get it up.”
“You? Really? My God, you never had that problem before.”
“Well that tells you what you got done to me.”
“I got done to you.”
“Yes. You! You got me ruined.”
Anita laughed. “Oh my, here he goes. Go buy some Viagra then.”
“You think this is funny?”
“No. How did we get on this topic anyway? Six people might be dead in our community.”
“You do. You thinks its funny.”
“Did you hear what I just said?”
“I cares but theyre
not family. We still got to live our lives.”
“Im going now. Bye.”
She hung up and Levi slammed the phone down so hard that it cracked the top of the receiver. Why did he tell her what happened? Had he expected pity? Now he was more humiliated than ever.
Levi lit up the third cigarette since he left his mother’s, and went to work on his chair in the shed. Every time there was an update on NLLive he would turn up the radio so that he didn’t miss a word. The Coast Guard helicopter had come back to refuel and was on the way out again. No one had yet been found, but they had not given up hope. There had been no distress call. Of the five men, four of them had cell phones, and none of them had called their families when they said they would. Nor were they answering. Were they really gone? He was having difficulty concentrating on the chair. His hands seemed to be moving on their own, making decisions without consulting his mind. Small errors were gathering up. All he wanted to do was inhale cigarettes.
He stood away from the chair again and tried to piece together the day before, the missed boat, the bar, the stranger he almost had sex with. He wished he had her number because he would probably call her right now. Just for someone to talk to. If he had not written Barnaby off his books he would call him. It was hard work hating someone he loved.
Survivors
Fiona’s Fancy was never found. The funeral for the crew was held at the United Church where all of them had been baptized. Many of the family members at the front sat and stared like zombies, at the empty space where there should have been the caskets.
The church was packed, with more outside. Levi was at the back. As soon as he entered the church, however, he wished he had not attended. He had done it out of respect for a fishing crew who had been willing to take him on, and for the community and the families, but he could see people looking at him and whispering among themselves. After all, his name had been listed as one of the missing when the boat first disappeared. And here he was, walking among them.
Barnaby and their mother were near the middle. Frank, who was not related to any of the deceased, had somehow declared himself head usher. He met Levi at the door and tried to guide him to the right, halfway down. Levi went to the back on the left.
They repeated the Lord’s Prayer and he realized that it was the familiarity of the prayer that gave it power in times like this. Every person in the church had been repeating it since childhood, and now they could lean on it for comfort. Since David’s death Levi had given up on God, but he had not given up on the church. His mother and father always said that the church was the glue of the community and when it dissolved so would Gadus. He wondered if they were right. There were still people, but was there a community? He took his family regularly on Sundays, until his father died. After that it began to taper off. David’s funeral had been the last time he attended, and all he could remember was staring up at the cross in rage.