It was as if my mind had simply moved on to my next big focus—the baby and Seth.
“How much damage did you do?”
“Hopefully, not too much. It’s only a little sore when I press it at full range of motion.”
“You were limping before.”
He nodded slightly. “You were paying attention.”
“I always pay attention where you’re concerned.”
I sat down on the other end of the lounge and glanced over at him.
“This is so tough. I don’t know where to start.” He looked exasperated.
“Do you hate me?” I asked in a small voice. Might as well know the worst first, I figured.
His head shot back a little and I could see that he was surprised by my question. “I don’t hate you, but I do hate the fact you lied to me and you didn’t tell me.”
Those two hates hit me like a jab cross punch to the face, I deserved both. While I was reeling from the depth of feeling that evoked, he rolled right on.
“I hate you did those things only a little bit less than what I did the night of the accident.”
Accident!
What?
“You remember?”
He looked very sheepish and remorseful as he nodded. “Yeah, I do.”
This was so incredible.
“How, why…what happened?”
He picked at a loose piece of stitching on the side of his cargo shorts, not quite able to meet my eyes. “When you said the baby was most probably conceived the night of the accident…it just seemed to loosen everything in my head. I’d had a couple of glimpses of strange images that didn’t make sense before. Then, all the gaps filled in earlier and I remembered it all. I wish I didn’t, Soph. It doesn’t paint me in a good picture.”
What had he done?
What could possibly make him feel like this? What could he think was worse than me lying to him?
“After I took you against the wall, we were sitting on the floor. Do you remember that?”
I clearly remember the wall, I vaguely remembered sliding down and sitting in a heap on the floor. I nodded slightly.
“That was the first time you told me, Soph.”
“Told you what?” What could I have said to him that was so catastrophic?
“You found my kryptonite…you told me you loved me.”
I love you!
Love—how could that be someone’s kryptonite?
“I don’t understand.”
“It was those words that did it. I couldn’t face them, what they meant between us, to you. I was too much of a coward. I just had to get out of there. You passed out right after you said it and I ran and I feel so ashamed.”
My mind was trying to wrangle with all of that.
“Are you telling me three little words sent you running from my place that night?”
He nodded, remorse and shame framing his handsome face. “It brought up too much from my past. Stuff I’d promised myself I’d never let hurt me again.”
The shadows shuttered his eyes and I knew. It was about his father and what had happened after the suicide with his mother.
“My father worshipped my mother. When she took away that love, he...” Seth stopped and seemed to stutter over whatever it was. “Couldn’t cope. That was what triggered his suicide.”
I immediately knew there was a lot more to this story and a silence settled between us.
“I heard them arguing the morning it happened. They didn’t know I was up. She kept saying she was leaving him and didn’t love him. Couldn’t love him. Then, later that morning, I found him out in his studio slumped over pills everywhere.”
“Wow.” A long breath left my body. What an awful, awful picture for a little person to have to live through—to see and hear.
No wonder he was terrified of love. He’d lived through first hand the consequences of love gone bad. The last few minutes explained so much. This is why he’d kept holding himself back, cutting himself off from me. Why he’d run.
“I was terrified to risk love or being in love. I couldn’t go through what happened with my parents twice in my life. I just don’t know if I can do it”
He couldn’t go through it.
Where did that leave us?
The realization hit me hard. The baby and I, we’d never have him and anger surged through me.
He was giving up to his fear.
Too scared to even give it a go?
Well, fuck him!
“So, that’s it?”
He looked a little startled. “It broke me, Sophia,” he offered as an explanation.
“We’re all a little broken, Seth. Actually, I’m crumbling here. I’m having a baby I still have no idea how I conceived and I’m not sure whether I’m in or out of a relationship with a guy that could be so wonderful but is too scared to take the chance on what we could have. Instead, he’d prefer to run and never even give it a chance. Fuck you, for not being prepared to take a chance on us. Fuck you, for not being brave enough to face your fears. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew somehow we wouldn’t be enough for you to want to fight your fear for us.”
He looked dumbfounded.
Fury raged through me and I leapt to my feet and paced. “Let me give you a piece of advice, Seth. The trick in all this is to keep standing strong regardless how much it hurts and how terrified you feel because you’re sure as shit not going to win by cowering in the corner.” I watched my words hit him harder than any physical hit I could ever put on him and I didn’t feel the least bit remorseful. He needed to hear this if he had any hope at all of waking the fuck up. “As a fighter, I’d have thought you’d know that. You think I don’t hate myself everyday I look at Eden? You think I don’t keep torturing myself with the thought I should have done more the night of the fire? Well, I do, every damned day.”
“But I couldn’t let it make me crumble then anymore than I can crumble now, no matter how much I want to. You think I don’t want to just wrap myself in a cocoon and hope it all goes away? Mum and Dad needed me to be strong then and I was. No way could they have coped with me falling apart too. This baby needs me to be strong and I will, regardless how terrified I am. I’d hoped you’d be strong with me. I hoped you felt the same way I do. Guess I was wrong.” The words tasted like the bitterest medicine as they left my mouth. I stormed into the kitchen and grabbed my car keys, wallet, and phone off the bench.
“Where are you going? We haven’t even discussed if we’re keeping the baby.”
“I’m keeping the baby. When you figure out what the hell you want, let me know. I have a doctor’s appointment at the hospital, day after tomorrow. I’ll text you the details, if you’re interested. I’m going home. I thought home was with you. I’m not so sure anymore. Ball’s in your court, Seth. You know where to find me and your child. But don’t bother coming to me with more bullshit excuses. I get that you’re scared. We need you to step up and fight for a future with us.”
I couldn’t stay here tonight.
And I’d made my decision, it seemed.
Seth
“Home.”
I thought this had been her home. Then, I did a double take. Home meant permanence, was that what I wanted?
The whole house still shook with the force of the door slamming into its frame. I sat there in stunned silence, trying to come to terms with what she’d said and what she’d wanted. Then, heard her car start and head out. At least there’d been no revving of engines or squealing of tyres.
I’d bared my heart to her and this is what I got. I’d given her the truth, hadn’t I?
Now, she was out there driving, full of anger and fear. Only this time, it was Sophia and our baby.
Our baby.
God, I hoped she was more careful than me. At least she hadn’t been drinking.
I’m not sure how long I sat there before I heard the knock on the door, then the nob turned. Hope reared it’s head. Was she back?
“Anyone home
.” A woman’s voice, just not the one I wanted.
“In here, Rachel,” I called. I didn’t want to see anyone, but I had told my little sister a few days ago to call around.
“Hey, big brother, what’s happening?” She bounced into the room and came to a sudden stop.
“What happened?” she screeched.
“Nothing,” I grumbled.
She cocked an eyebrow at me. “Is the accident still giving you grief? I thought you said you were a lot better. At least, that’s what your text said. Were you telling me porky pies?”
I closed my eyes and prayed for patience. I loved my sister, just not tonight. She was the bouncy, energetic, cute type. Problem was, the cute could often run to annoying, in my experience.
“I didn’t lie.”
“Well, then, what’s the matter? Where’s Sophia, I’ve been looking forward to seeing her for days?”
“We had a fight.”
She plonked herself down on the lounge beside me and gave me a look. The one that said, “What did you do this time, bonehead?”
“That’s not hard to believe. You can both be quite volatile.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, wasn’t that the truth?
“So, what did you fight about?”
“Nothing Rach, just leave it.”
Her brows drew together in frustration. “So, you’re just going to sit here and mope. Either fix it or move on. Moping doesn’t serve any purpose and you suck at it. It’s not your style. You can’t pull off moody and broody. You just look like you’re grumpy and suffering from constipation.”
What?
“Since when are you a damned expert? And do you ever shut the fuck up?”
I sat up from where I’d been lounging and was about to stand and make my escape to the kitchen. Where did everyone get off giving me advice and digging into my shit today?
“Years of watching Dr. Phil between rehearsals. You must have been a real arse for you to be feeling this bad.”
Rachel was being a pesky little sister. I didn’t need her crap tonight.
“You don’t know shit. I said leave it. Besides, what makes you so damned sure I’m at fault?”
She gave me an eye roll and a, “you’re shitting me look.” Rachel says just as much with her animated expressions as she does with words. That adds up to a truckload of her crap coming right at you. That’s what years of theatre training got you, it seemed.
“Well, must be something. You never get cut up about women.” Why the hell did she have to remind me of that?
“She’s pregnant,” I snapped back before thinking. Fuck! That was the extent of knots the little shit tied me up in.
Her eyes went as wide as saucers and her jaw dropped. “What?”
“You heard,” I snarled and felt like a douche for being so nasty to her and I was even more pissed at myself for telling her. She was trying to help in her own special way.
Rachel seemed to be oblivious, though, and launched herself into my arms. I managed to catch her before she could inadvertently drive a knee into my middle and cause some damage.
“Congratulations, big brother! You’re going to be a dad! My big brother is going to be a dad! Wow. That’s amazing.”
Amazing! Well, that was a new take on this situation. I swear, with the excitement coming off Rachel I would have sworn I’d just managed to do something incredible, like cure cancer or solve world poverty.
Truth was, there was nothing to fathering a kid, it seemed. Just some dumb luck and hell of a good time. Hardly heroic. Certainly nothing I felt like I should be taking credit for. It’s not like I’d meant to do it, the exact opposite, actually.
“I’m so excited I’m going to be an auntie.” There was no stopping the juggernaut Rachel, I decided.
She looked at me curiously then. “Why aren’t you happy? I thought you and Sophia were serious?”
“We are, were. Fuck, I don’t know.” And I didn’t. I had no fucking clue where I stood.
“So, what’s the problem? Why aren’t you two all loved up and looking at each other with rainbows overhead and unicorns outside grazing on the lawn?”
“You’ve been OD’ing on too many Disney movies again,” I sniped.
“Occupational hazard with musical theatre and I will not let you rain on my parade. I’m going to be an aunt. That’s the best news I’ve heard in I don’t know how long.” She jumped up and did a little happy dance, that ended with a perfect pirouette.
Okay, that brought a little smile to my face. I’d have to be completely immune to her charms and I wasn’t. She was my little sister, after all. “And don’t think I’m letting you off the hook with my question. Why aren’t you both together all loved up?” Rachel was a pocket dynamo and wasn’t going to let this go. A fairy princess with the tenacity of a bullterrier hanging onto a bone.
“I don’t do love. Scares the shit out of me.”
She just about doubled over laughing. “What the? You’re kidding me. My big, bad fighter brother is scared to be in love.” She rolled her eyes at me. “Dickhead.”
“Don’t call me a dickhead, little girl, you shouldn’t be using language like that.”
I watched the laughter dissolve and her arms slam determinedly across her chest in a fold. “Don’t you dare treat me like a child. I’m more than an adult and I’ll use whatever language I see fit, particularly when one of my most favourite people in the world insists on being an idiot. Now getting back to my point. What would you call it then? You know what I see? I see my brother sitting here moping thinking he knows nothing about love when he’s too stupid to realise he’s already there.”
The kid was on drugs, that had to be the case. God knew, she was hyper to shit and she hung out in the artsy fartsy dance community.
“What the hell would you know?”
She cocked her head at me and gave me her best withering look. “Lots. I know you better than anyone, Seth. You’re different with her. She’s not shallow, plastic, and needy like your usual types. It may have started out as your usual wham bam thank you ma’am deal but, somewhere along the way, it changed. Now, you’re sitting there feeling like shit and wondering what to do because you’re too pigheaded to admit you have feelings for her. Wise up—man up.” The little witch smacked me with that then had the audacity to follow it up with a flounce. “Besides, I want easy access to my niece and I will not be happy if you cock it up.”
Rachel was a pint size minx and a total pain in my arse, one thing she was though, was intuitive and a great judge of character. She’d navigated the cut throat world of dance and was a rising star. You didn’t do that by talent alone. She could read people.
“You don’t know anything.” There was no way I was admitting she might be right. Honestly, I was sick of hearing about my shortcomings on love and relationships today. Wasn’t living with them chewing at my gut bad enough?
“I know everything,” she boasted.
Right, now I was pissed.
“Bullshit! You weren’t there. You weren’t even born. So, shut the fuck up about shit you know nothing of.”
“Didn’t need to be. You told me in your own words.”
What the fuck was she talking about? What sort of hallucinogenic drugs was she on?
She must have read the question on my face. “I read the letter you wrote.”
“What letter?” I snarled, not even trying to disguise my anger. It was nothing Rachel hadn’t seen before. We either loved each other to distraction or wanted to rip each other’s throats out. Oh fuck! There was that love thought again. As brother and sister, we could go at it, but God help anyone else that wanted to attack her or vice versa.
I didn’t need this crap.
“The letters that you had in that box in your cupboard. When you buggered off to uni, I moved into your room, remember. The box was tucked away in that little nook around the corner in the wardrobe, you thought nobody knew about. I know you used to keep all your skin mags there and some other interesting st
uff!” She had the audacity to raise her eyebrows at me to make her point.
Oh fuck! She did know, clearly way too much. I remembered now. I’d forgotten all about those letters. They’d been a counselling exercise. The remnants of one of the many times Mum had put me in counselling because she couldn’t abide my “attitude,” as she’d called it. Never seemed to cross her mind that maybe she was my problem.
The counsellor had made me write letters to my dad asking him all the questions I had, telling him how I felt about what he did. It was supposed to help me come to terms with it. Either I was a lost cause or the counsellor sucked, because I still wasn’t cured obviously.
“You had no right!” I yelled at her. Bugger me, she just shrugged like it was water off a duck’s back.
“Finders keeper and they can’t have been that important or you would have made sure no one saw them.”
I wanted to wring her oh-so-graceful swan neck! Nobody could fuck with me like she managed to.
I took a deep breath, and tried to find my calm.
“Can you just piss off and leave me alone?”
“No can do. Where would be the fun in that? I haven’t seen you in the flesh to torment you in months. Besides, it’s time you knew the truth about what really happened. I’m sick of seeing you like a damned emotional cripple for nothing and I’m pissed at Mum for letting this go on.”
What was she rabbiting on about?
“I do know the truth. I was fucking there!”
She shook her head in a slow almost mocking salute. “You think you do, but you don’t. Seth, you were four. You’ve got a four-year old’s perspective, part of the story.”
“And you who wasn’t even born, who essentially has nothing to do with this, knows the whole story.” Yeah, not likely!
This time she nodded solemnly and, suddenly, my certainty that she was full of shit collapsed like a house of cards. “I do. Remember awhile back when Mum was at that ’retreat’ you thought it was because she was recovering from more plastic surgery. It wasn’t. She had a breakdown. The truth came out. Dad told me everything. Between that and the letters, I had the whole story.”
Challenge: A Contemporary MMA Romance: Oni Fighters Book 3 Page 30