“Hey there. You look beautiful,” he says, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me to his body, hugging me tightly, his lips kissing my forehead.
“Thanks,” I say, blushing at his compliment.
I have no idea where it comes from, but I suddenly remember a movie where the girl would kiss both guys to see who gave her more butterflies and that’s the one she chose to be with. I try to shake the obnoxious memory from my head, but it makes sense. With my head and heart at war, I have to find a way to finally decide. Finally give myself peace of mind.
Taking Nolan’s hand, I drag him into the living room where he tosses his jacket on the back of the recliner. As soon as his muscular arms are on display, visions of him picking me up and taking me like a caveman flash behind my eyelids, just like in the dream I had a few days ago. Giving in, I pull his head down to mine and hover my lips just above his. Taking my cue, he leans in the rest of the way, our mouths barely touching and then animalistic instincts kick in.
Lust. I feel so much lust while his tongue massages mine and my body instinctively arches into him, seeking more of his touch. Nolan’s arms wrap around my waist, his hands dragging me closer to him, giving me exactly what I need.
But no butterflies. None.
I want him, no doubt. I’m attracted to him, absolutely. I’m just missing that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says I want this for the rest of my life.
Not like I have with Jordan.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Placing my hands on his rock hard chest, I push myself back and walk to the couch. “Shit,” I mutter a little too loud and he hears me.
“Did I do something wrong? Is everything okay?”
“I think we need to talk. Shit.”
“I think so, too,” he agrees and I have a feeling he’s about to break it off for me, too. Now that I think about it, his kiss wasn’t the same as it was that night at the bar. There were butterflies then. I wanted him as much as he wanted me. This kiss was something different. It was goodbye.
I need to just rip the bandaid off. There’s no use in wasting valuable time. His heart’s somewhere else, just like mine. I’ve just been too blind by my own situation to think about his. He’s been spending so much time with his ex-wife … he still loves her.
“I really do care for you, Nolan. I just can’t be what you need right now. It’s not fair for me to put you through all of this, on top of what you’re dealing with in Cloverton. I can’t even begin to try to love you when Jordan still owns my heart. I’m just so sorry I didn’t say something sooner,” I cry, placing my tear-stricken face in my hands, my shoulders wracking violently. I’ve never felt more guilty of anything in my life.
“Loren,” Nolan says softly, placing his arm around my back and dragging me into his side. “I understand. I’m not upset. I swear.” Pressing his lips to the top of my head, he kisses my hair.
“How can you not be upset? I knew. That night you called and told me about Wendy, I knew in my heart I wanted to try again with Jordan. How can you not hate me? Hell, I hate myself.” I try to move off the couch, but Nolan’s hold on me tightens. Pulling my head to his chest, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat calms my own.
“You’re such an incredible woman,” he praises, “Jordan’s a lucky man. But if I were being honest, I’d have to tell you I came here to end things with you tonight.” Moving my head, he allows me to sit up to see his face, gauge his expressions. Is he telling me this to make me feel better or does he really feel this way?
“For Wendy?” I ask, almost not wanting to hear the answer. The thought of him disregarding everything we could have, what he wants, for a woman he married and divorced, will only make me more sad about losing such a wonderful man.
“Yes. She needs me. I’m not sure how long she has left, but I want to be with her for the rest of it. I promised sickness and health, I have to honor my word. If I lose everything else in this world, that’s the one thing nobody can take from me.”
“I could love you, Nolan. You’re the incredible one. Wendy’s the lucky one. God, why is this so hard?” Once again, the sobs begin. Without a doubt, I know Jordan’s the one I’m supposed to end up with, but in a world that isn’t so complicated, Nolan would be the best man for me.
“It’s hard because we both feel the connection. You brought me back to life, Loren. I was falling down this miserable tunnel before I found you, and for that I’ll always be grateful. I just wonder if you were brought into my life to make me want to be a better man and give Wendy her own life back? I know it sounds confusing, but it all has to make sense somehow, right?”
“You’re probably right. I really hope Jordan loves me like you love Wendy.” Doubt starts to creep back in my already clouded brain, making me second guess every decision I’ve ever made.
“He does. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have fought for you. When your man stops fighting, that’s how you know he’s given up. If he’s on that battlefield for you day in and day out, there’s something worth saving. Let him save you, Loren. I know the man has your heart, but you have to accept his. Love him like I love Wendy.”
Smiling up at his serious expression, I sigh, knowing this’ll be the last time I see Nolan. I have to break all communication with him if I’m going to begin working things out with Jordan. Even if Jordan and I fail, Nolan has to be out of the picture. I’m not sure how much time Wendy has left, it could be a few days or a few months, I can’t run the risk of stepping in on their marriage.
“I’m gonna miss you, Nolan. Maybe one day when we’re all old and wrinkly, I’ll see you on the street and you see me. We’ll say hey and remember the amazing few weeks we had together before life got complicated.”
“Sounds like a plan, Lo. I’m sure if you start moisturizing now, you won’t have too many wrinkles. And I’m positive you’ll still be as gorgeous as you are today. And I’ll also remember how I could have fallen in love with you. I’m a little jealous of Jordan,” he laughs, “I bet you’re a pretty fantastic wife.”
“Just like you’re an amazing husband. Our spouses really lucked out, didn’t they?”
“They sure did.”
Standing from the couch, we both hug a little too long, both of us hesitant to let go, but finally we do. I walk Nolan to the door where he shoves his feet in his boots, the beautiful tan boots that caught my eye the first night we met. Promising myself that I’ll never wear my lighter colored cowboy boots again so I don’t think of the amazing first date we had, I stand on my tiptoes and kiss Nolan gently on the cheek.
“See ya in a few decades,” I chide, giving him one last hug.
“Age gracefully.” With that final statement, Nolan walks out of my house and my life for the last time. Watching him pull out of my driveway, a few tears slide down my cheeks, mourning what could have been. The grieving doesn’t last long, maybe a few more minutes as his taillights disappear down the street and turn at the corner.
Back inside, I pick up the phone and place the call I should have made when he showed up on my doorstep all those weeks ago. As if he’s holding the phone in his hand, awaiting my call, Jordan answers on the first ring.
“Hello,” he says, short of breath.
“You still promise to love me forever? In sickness and health? All that stuff?” I ask, hoping it’s still me he’s interested in.
“Is that a real question? Loren, you’re the only girl I ever really loved and the only girl I want to love as long as I live. Are we done screwing around yet?”
“Yeah, baby. We’re done. Come home.”
“I’m already here.” Rushing to the window, I throw open the curtains and raise the blinds. Surveying the street, I don’t see him anywhere.
“I don’t see you,” I say, still scanning the parked cars in the road and glancing down the street for headlights.
“In your heart, Loren. I’m there.” If it’s possible for a woman to melt into a puddle, we’re going to nee
d a mop. Jordan’s cheesy when he’s being romantic, but sometimes the cliché works.
“I love you,” I giggle, “Now get your ass home for real.”
“I’m on my way. And Loren?” he pauses, “I’m never leaving again. I hope you’re ready to be with me for the rest of your life.”
“I’m more than ready. I’ll see you in a little bit.”
Chapter Eight
Nolan
Having that conversation with Loren has to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I’m only blessed because she was feeling the same way as me. If one small detail of either of our lives was different, we’d be perfect together. We both know it.
I need to make sure I’m able to be here for the last days of Wendy’s life. She has to be my priority and I can’t do that with another woman waiting in the wings. It’s not fair to Loren and it’s not fair to Wendy. It would only be me serving my own selfish needs, and of all the adjectives that could be used to describe me, selfish is not one of them.
The second I pulled out of Loren’s driveway, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off my chest. I could finally breathe again and I was excited to get back to Wendy. Even though I didn’t know how much time I had left with her, with her was where I wanted to be.
Pulling up outside Wendy’s parents’ house, I rush through the front door, unsure if it closes in my race to get to Wendy. Throwing open her bedroom door, I fly to the side of her bed, only to find her peacefully sleeping. Glancing at her nurse, I wait for answers as to when she’s going to wake up. Thankfully, the elderly woman knows exactly what I want to know without me having to voice my question. God knows I wouldn’t be able to if I wanted to, being out of breath and all from sprinting up the drive, up the stairs and down the hall.
“She’ll be out for a little bit still. Meds should be wearing off by then. She’ll be happy to see you. She loves you.”
“God, I hope so. I love her so much,” I finally say after a few moments of catching my breath.
“She does, child. Don’t worry about it. It’ll all work out how it’s supposed to.” Only it won’t. Wendy’s on a time limit. She’s on borrowed time and nobody has a crystal ball to see exactly how long that is. I just hope it’s enough for me to show her how much I adore her.
Opting for a shower before Wendy wakes up, I need to be ready to tell her everything I’ve decided and hope she’s okay with it. The moment I’m clean, I don’t screw around with anything other than getting dressed before I’m back in Wendy’s room, her eyes just starting to flutter open. The nurse stood at the IV pole, administering another round of Wendy’s meds into the line leading into her arm. There are a few new medications the doctors wanted to try and hopefully they’ll work and keep Wendy with me longer than they initially projected.
“Hey, Angel. Sleep good?” I ask, kissing her on the forehead before taking my usual seat next to her bed.
“I feel really good, actually. Like really good.”
“That makes me happy. You deserve a good day, especially when I say what I wanna say.”
“What the hell’s going on, Nolan? You’re scaring me.”
Pulling out the ring I found in her jewelry box—the ring I put on her the day she became my wife—I place it in the palm of her hand. She brings it to her face and unclasps her fingers. Staring down at the cheap gold band—it was all I could afford at the time—I wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t. Tears fill to the brim and she glances between the ring and me.
“Say something, angel. Anything,” I prompt, needing her to voice something, or at least give me an indication that I didn’t upset her.
“No, you say something, Nolan. What does this mean?” she asks, skeptical of my intentions.
“I wanna marry you again, angel. I want you to be my wife. I shouldn’t have ever left, but now that I’m back, I wanna be back for real. You belong to me and it’s about time I show you that.”
“No,” she whispers, handing me back the band. “Absolutely not.”
“What?” I ask, shocked.
“No,” she says more firmly this time. Pushing against the back of the bed, she’s able to sit up and places her hands in her lap.
“I love you, angel. I don’t understand what the problem is. I’m finally getting things right. You love me.”
“I love you very much, Nolan. More than you’ll ever know. But no, I won’t marry you again. You’re only here because I’m dying and ain’t no way in hell I’m letting you marry a dead woman.”
“Listen to me,” I say, more aggressively than I would have liked, “I wanna marry you again because I love you. Because you’re everything to me. Because for the first time in years I realize how stupid I was to have left to begin with. Granted, I came back because you’re sick and needed me, but I’m here because I want to be. There’s nowhere else I’m supposed to be.”
“You moved on with your life. You have more out there. You have a woman you really like. You need to be spending your time figuring that out and not worrying about me. Dammit, Nolan, how do you think she’ll feel knowing that you’re here when you should be there?” Damn this sweet angel, worrying about another woman’s feelings when she should be worrying about her own.
“Loren knows I’m here. We spoke earlier. I told her how I feel about you. And actually, she feels the exact same way about another man. In another lifetime, Loren and I could have worked out, been happy even, but in this lifetime, there’s only one woman I need by my side, carrying my last name, and I’m fucking looking at her. You’re the only one for me, Angel. Why can’t you just see that?”
“Because it’s not fair,” she cries, the tears spilling down her face. “It’s not fair that I finally get things to go right for me and I’m going to die. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but long before I’ve had a chance to love you as much as you deserve. More time than I deserve to be loved. Shit, this isn’t fair.” Leaning back on the bed, she raises her arm to cover her face while she wails. My heart’s breaking right out of my chest.
“Then fight for it. Fight for more. Pray like you’ve never prayed before. I am. You do it, too.”
“What’s the point, Nolan. Don’t kid yourself. If there was a God, why the hell would I be dying? How does any of this make sense?”
“Maybe you needed to get sick so I’d get my head outta my ass? I can’t answer that, baby. But I can tell you that no matter what, until the day I stop breathing, I’ll love you. If you’re here or not, I’m going to love you. Love you like nobody else has ever loved anyone.”
“Wendy, I need you to calm down, baby girl,” the nurse chimes in, immediately rising from her chair and rushing to Wendy’s side. “Lie back and relax. Let’s get your blood pressure under control.”
“I love you, Nolan. So damn much,” Wendy says between deep breaths.
“Just relax. I didn’t mean to get you so worked up. We can talk about this later. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Don’t ever go again, I can’t take it. If you’re here, you’re here. You’re mine.” Panting heavily, her eyes close and then reopen.
“Never again. I’m yours,” I say, taking her hand in mine, squeezing softly with my eyes on the monitors.
Holding on, stroking her fingers, the nurse puts the oxygen mask over her face, urging Wendy to take deep breaths. The nurse seems to relax a little until Wendy’s head rests to the side, her breaths shallow and lips begin turning purple.
“Call an ambulance!” she screams. Still holding Wendy’s hand, I use my free one to pull my cell phone out and dial 9-1-1. As soon as the operator comes across the line, I give her the address and beg that they hurry.
Knowing they’re a good twenty minutes away—the hellish part of living in a small town that shares a hospital and fire department with two other towns—I call for Wendy’s dad and we carry her lifeless body to the car. Speeding out of the driveway and down the road, I pray God doesn’t take her from me until I’ve had a lifetime to love her how I sh
ould have all this time.
“Stay with me, angel. We’re almost there. Don’t you dare leave me,” I whisper, holding her head in my lap while her father speeds down the road.
“How’s she doing, son?”
“Not sure, Pops. I’m scared,” I say, tears falling from my eyes. “I can’t lose her.”
“Just say a prayer. Hold on to my baby girl. I’ll get us there as fast as I can.”
True to his word, he pulls to the emergency room ambulance bay within fifteen minutes. I don’t even want to know how fast he had to go to get us here, seeing as the hospital is a good thirty minutes from her house. As soon as he opens the back door for me to get out, nurses and a doctor meet us and pull Wendy onto a gurney. One nurse climbs on top of Wendy, administering CPR while her dad and I are ushered to the registration desk.
Wendy’s dad gives them all her information, including her prognosis. All I can do is sit in a cold plastic chair and wait. Wait for them to confirm what I know in my heart. That I’ve lost the only woman who would ever love me like she did.
“No,” I mutter to myself. “She’s going to make it. I’m going to make her happy. I’m going to be the husband I should have been all along. I’m not done yet, God. Don’t you dare take her from me until I’m done loving her. And that’s going to be a long fucking time. Don’t you even think about it.”
Epilogue
Nolan
Walking down the street, my hand tightly holding Wendy’s, a feeling I never thought I’d get to experience again washes over me. Not with Wendy, anyway. With everything that was going on with her health, it never occurred to me we’d have a second chance. A chance to make all the wrong right—to get to be us again.
The day her father and I took her to the emergency room, we both knew in our gut, even though we never expressed it each other, it would be the end of Wendy’s life. Her last day being a person. The first day she’d be just a memory. I remember it being a bittersweet feeling—her no longer being in any pain made me happy, but I would alternate between that and sadness, knowing she’d be gone.
Claim 3: Volume Three Page 5