Eighteen
(Griffin)
“You want to know how I deal with the stress of my life? I don’t, okay. I ignore the fact that there’s anything out there other than football, because if I admit that, I have to admit that there’s no way my work and personal lives can coexist. It’d be wonderful if that wasn’t the case, but it is. So as long as I’m here, I have to figure out how to ignore the part of me that wishes I could go home to the man I love. That I wasn’t fucking miserable when I’m not on the field, because I’ve thrown away my chance at being happy. That I’m fucking fooling myself to think the only person I want to be with will stick around this time, waiting for me to decide he’s worth more than being my dirty little secret.”
Zach’s booming voice echoed off the walls of the editing bay. Giles had called me in for a meeting, and since Zach was MIA, I’d had no excuse for avoiding him. I’d been doing that a lot, because the less we spoke, the lower the risk that he’d ask me to do something I couldn’t do. I wouldn’t sell out Zach, not for all the money in the world. And that’s exactly what Giles was hoping for.
“Ah, it’s nice to see you taking me seriously for once,” Giles said as he spun around on a heel. “I was beginning to think you had your sights set on being in charge of production, with the way you ignore any communication from me.”
“Sorry, sir. Just busy trying to get the shots you requested,” I lied, although only partly. Now that Griffin was busy with practice, I’d been given a list of stock footage to turn in every day when I wasn’t assigned to the field. It’d been fun to explore campus again, but no way in hell would I admit that to Giles.
Giles stomped out of the room, glaring at me as if daring me to stay behind. I followed him to a dimly lit office at the end of the corridor, leaning against the wall rather than sitting across from him. “I’m going to get straight to the point.” That was new. I hid my sarcastic comment behind a cough. “How much do you know about the situation with Zach Kendricks?”
Situation. I hated that word. Hated that I was part of the so-called situation. As tempting as it was to lie to Giles, to feign ignorance, I was sure that’d lead to my walking papers. Everyone knew about Zach’s chat with deShawn on the beach. They’d all heard him mention my name. The only question that remained was whether or not they’d put the pieces together and realized what I’d hidden from them.
“I’ll save you the hassle of coming up with a passable lie,” Giles said, interrupting my mental argument with myself. His voice grated like nails on a chalkboard, and he always came off like a used car salesman. I didn’t trust him from the day I started, and even less now that he was giving me a sleazy smile, as though he was about to give me the offer of a lifetime. “Have you ever wondered why you’re here? How you, someone who’s been in the business just over a year, got the opportunity to not only work for a long-running show, but also have a featured role in the success or failure of said show?”
I’d had my suspicions, but I wouldn’t give Giles the satisfaction of knowing I had asked myself those very questions in the beginning. The pompous asshole didn’t deserve to believe he knew a damn thing about me. “I’m here because I’m damn good at my job. You can ask any of the companies I’ve worked with in the past and they’ll tell you the same.”
“Wrong.” Giles tapped away at his keyboard before turning the monitor to face me. It was a picture, one I hadn’t even known existed until just now.
Zach and I were walking along the beach, less than a mile from the house he now called home. But it wasn’t a recent picture. Given the way we were dressed, I knew it had been taken the week after the final game of his sophomore year. That night was forever seared in my mind, because for that sliver of time, I truly believed Zach and I had gotten past the worst of our fears. We’d been the only ones out that night, or so we’d thought. Even though it was easier for us to blend in down there, Zach was still usually guarded and tense. But that night, all of that anxiety had floated away and we’d talked about the future. What life would be like when we weren’t hiding. What it’d be like to have a little house on the beach and be able to wade through the water whenever we wanted. Seeing how happy we were then made tears well in the corners of my eyes.
“The contract you signed before you took this assignment says I should fire you for this,” Giles continued, handing me a more recent picture. In this one, Zach and I were on his back deck, curled into one another. His voice was muffled and sounded so far away, even though I knew he was sitting directly across from me. “However, I think everyone would agree this is a unique situation.”
“How…how…where did you find this?” I stammered. Zach was going to be crushed when he realized everything had been carefully orchestrated to out him. And I was certain they’d never counted on him coming out on his own. They’d been hoping for much more drama and a big reveal.
“Never underestimate the research department.” Shady fuckers. I had underestimated them, because I’d have thought their job was to pull together statistics and highlights from the players’ careers, not personal moments they had no business finding. “The question that remains is how are we going to handle this issue?”
“Well, since you just admitted that you knew about our history before I was even offered the job, you can’t very well fire me,” I reminded him, not bothering to school the smug tone in my voice.
“Very true,” Giles agreed, far too quickly. “We’d been hoping this would give us a boost in the ratings, but to this point, what you’ve turned in has been…well, boring. Disappointing. Practically unusable.”
“Gee, I’m sorry if some of us have morals and aren’t willing to sell out someone we want to be able to look in the eye in the future,” I scoffed. Fuck him. Fuck the research department. Fuck the entire show. If this was how they wanted to be, I was out. Except, if I left, there’d be no one around to minimize the damage to Zach’s reputation. They’d be allowed to film whatever they wanted, edit it in whatever way they saw as entertaining, and no one could call them on their bullshit. I slumped back in my chair as I realized there was no way of escaping without doing even more harm to the man I loved.
“We’re not asking you to sell him out, Griffin.” This time, I couldn’t hold back my grunt of disbelief. That was exactly what they wanted, otherwise they wouldn’t have hired me. They weren’t in the business of selling an accurate behind-the-scenes look at training camp; they needed drama to keep people tuning in, and the past few seasons had been tame. “All we want is for you to get him to come out of his shell a bit. The teasers for the season premiere are being finalized and approved as we speak, and your boyfriend has a starring role. Now, it’s your job, the one you agreed to, to help us give our viewing audience the show they’re expecting.”
“I won’t let you destroy his career,” I warned Giles, even though I felt more helpless than I had in my life. Even when I’d walked away from Zach, it’d been my choice. Now, I had to play along with their games if I wanted to keep my job and protect him.
“Do you really think that’s what we’re after?” Yes, in fact, that was exactly what I assumed. Giles simply shook his head and sighed. “It’s true there will be some people who don’t agree with his choices, but I’d be willing to bet even more will be captivated. They’ll tune in every week, just hoping to see the blowup they’re waiting for.”
“Is this a reality show or Melrose Place?”
“Times change and we have to adapt. It used to be enough to give people a glimpse of a world they saw as off-limits. Out of the Pocket allowed people who couldn’t travel to training camp the opportunity to see how teams came together. We gave diehard fans a glimpse of what went on behind closed doors,” Giles explained. “Sadly, with every new show that’s given the green light, our job becomes more difficult. We have to find a way to entertain the wives of fans so they’ll agree to watching our show rather than Real Housewives of Wherever.”
“That’s a bit sexist, don’t you think?” I di
dn’t give a damn what logic he was using to justify his vision for this season of the show. Nothing he could say could possibly make it acceptable for him to wish he could’ve outed a player who wasn’t ready to come out. And given the fact I was about ninety-nine percent certain Giles was just as gay as Zach and me, it was unfathomable that he’d have gone along with this plan. As much as I didn’t like the guy, I couldn’t leap to thinking this was his brainchild.
“Of course it is,” Giles agreed. “But all of us have to do our part if we want the show to succeed. And the numbers don’t lie; women are the ones driving their family’s TV viewing. If they’re not entertained, they’ll change the channel. That’s why the network has decided to make a few changes behind the scenes this season.”
He’d already agreed there was no way he could fire me, so what was his intention? And why was I even considering anything he might be getting ready to say when I knew I wouldn’t like it? Oh yeah, because putting myself at Giles’s mercy was the only way I could help Zach. And I’d already given my word to Nixon and Coach Rodgers that I’d do whatever I could to protect him.
“You’ll still be working with the show, but in a more limited capacity,” he informed me, turning his attention to a sheaf of paper on his desk. “We have personal interest stories for the other players, but so far, Zach has given us nothing of value. And that’s where you come in. Whenever Zach isn’t busy with practice, you’ll be off the clock. It’s the perfect plan, really; it’ll give the network what they need for the show and it’ll allow you to spend some time with your boyfriend before the season begins. That’s not an opportunity many of these guys get.”
“You’re forgetting that it’s not so simple,” I warned him, crossing my arms tightly over my chest. The trump card here was that I knew Zach. He didn’t. No matter what his sleazy researchers uncovered, they’d never know how Zach would react to having these decisions made for him. “Zach has exactly one priority right now, and that’s making the cut. He’s not going to go out on the town or anything else when he’s trying to focus on football.”
“You heard the video,” Giles scoffed. I had, indeed, and that was another issue; how had they gotten it? The team was supposed to know where there were cameras and when they were running. No way would Zach have gone off like that had he known he was being recorded. But that’d be something to bring up another time because there were more pressing matters. “That boy will do anything to spend time with you. And once he knows the league stands behind his divided attention, he’ll go along with it. He’s lonely right now and he’ll welcome a solution to the pain of seeing you every day without being with you.”
“No, he won’t,” I responded confidently. “He isn’t the type of player to skate by because someone sitting behind a desk tells him he doesn’t have to put in the same work as everyone else. If anything, he’ll be so pissed off at the suggestion that he’ll work even harder. He’ll wake up earlier, run when he should be resting, lift weights when everyone else has gone back to their rooms. His coaches are already upset because he’s using the gym as a way to escape all of his fears, but he’ll push back even harder because of you.”
Giles stared at me, likely trying to figure out if I was bluffing. I wasn’t. I meant every single word, and if he wanted proof, he could call Zach in and run this scheme past him.
“Do what you think is best, but I’m warning you, you’re wrong about him.” I stood, disinterested in anything else Giles had to say. Bolstered by a sudden realization, I curled my fingers around the edge of his desk, leaning in so he couldn’t ignore me. “You need me right now. I know this isn’t your decision, but you’re too much of an ass-kisser to stand up to the assholes who’re more than willing to make him a pawn in their game. Without me, I guarantee you won’t get the story you want. There’s no way to play this so everyone’s happy, but if you’ll trust me, I’ll figure out a way to cause as little collateral damage as possible. Because remember, if you do this and you do it wrong, you’re going to have the entire LGBT community coming down on you.”
“And why would I let you decide how we turn this around so neither of us loses our jobs?” Giles’s shoulders slumped forward and I knew I had his attention. He thought he was in control here, but the truth was I had all the power. “You’re right, this isn’t what I wanted. I know you agree with everyone else who thinks I’m an insufferable asshole, but I’m just trying to do my job like everyone else. For what it’s worth, I tried convincing them to go a different way, but this is what the network wants.”
“First of all, that’s worth very little to me,” I said bluntly, feeling more confident than I had just minutes earlier. “The mere fact that you’re bringing this to me, strong-arming me into something I don’t want to do, says more than your words do. And the reason you’re going to hand this over to me is that you know I’m right. Without me, you’ll get nowhere, which will result in both of us losing our jobs. So let me think about what we can do and I’ll come and see you in the morning.”
“I can accept that,” Giles conceded, his face softening a bit. His body seemed to crumple in his seat and I wondered if he was starting to understand the damage he’d been tasked with inflicting on someone else. “You might want to give Zach a heads-up that the first teaser is scheduled to go live on social media later tonight. No one else knows, but from this point forward, you have my word that I’ll do what I can to help you. He’s a lucky man to have someone like you in his life. When the network told me why they’d offered you a contract, I questioned their decision, but now I think it’s the best possible scenario.”
“That’s something we can agree on. I’ll see you in the morning.” I wasn’t even out of Giles’s office before I had my phone in hand, sending Zach a message that he needed to call me as soon as possible.
Nineteen
(Zach)
Spending the afternoon with Lincoln turned out to be exactly what I needed. He was the only person I knew who truly understood what I was going through. What had truly shocked the hell out of me was the knowledge that Nixon was also gay. The way the two of them looked at one another when they thought I wasn’t paying attention made me swear there was a history between them, but they’d both laughed when I suggested as much and then quickly changed the subject. Just friends, they swore. I wasn’t buying it.
Together, they provided a clear image of everything I didn’t want in my own life. I didn’t want to lose Griffin again because I made him feel as though he wasn’t a priority to me. I didn’t want to be in the closet years after retirement because I’d already been lying to everyone for so long.
I stepped onto Nixon’s balcony. I was grateful he had a condo in town, because this wasn’t the type of conversation we’d have been able to have anywhere on campus or in a restaurant. Lincoln stood, ready to follow me outside. “You want company?”
“If it’s all the same to you, I just need a minute alone.” Privacy was a rare commodity now that training camp was in full swing. And with everything I had on my mind, a little solitude was exactly what I needed. I’d barely gotten settled into one of the loungers when my phone pinged with a message from Griffin, asking me to call him as soon as possible. As much as I liked to think he missed me as much as I was missing him, my gut said there had to be something else going on. He was exceedingly patient with me, never texting just to say hi on the off chance someone would pick up my phone and start asking questions. Luckily, he answered on the first ring. “Hey babe, what’s up?”
“Are you someplace you can talk?” he asked, keeping his own voice low.
“Yeah, it’s been a crazy day and Nixon brought me back to his place for a bit,” I told him. I wanted to give him details, but I held back because it wasn’t my place to share someone else’s secrets. Even if I didn’t think Nixon or Lincoln would have an issue with me telling Griffin, the harsh reality was that he was still part of the show, and all it would take was one slip-up and then Nixon would be facing some of the same bullshit I
was waiting to drop. “What’s up?”
“Okay, so you’re not going to like this, but I figured it’d be better if you hear it from me.” I already didn’t like whatever he had to say. Griffin was usually pretty straight-to-the-point, so if he felt his news needed a buffer, it was going to be epically bad.
“You’re likely right about that,” I agreed, because even if I was going to be enraged by the reason for his call, if he knew something I didn’t, I wanted him to trust that he could tell me and I wouldn’t take it out on him. Not unless he’d specifically done something he knew I’d be pissed about. “What’s up?”
“The first teaser for Outside the Pocket goes live on YouTube tonight.” Okay, well, that didn’t seem so bad. I knew what they had on me, and I’d just been thinking earlier today about wanting to get word about me being gay out in the open so the world could go on. “Did you, by any chance, talk to someone after your workshop today?”
“Um, yeah.” Fuck. This was bad. I didn’t give a shit about me, but there was a fair bit of our conversation I was pretty sure Lincoln wasn’t going to want made public. “What are they going to do, Griffin? I don’t give a shit about me, but they can’t use that footage. They can’t take a private conversation and broadcast it to the world. There wasn’t even a fucking camera in the room!”
“I’m assuming there was at least one static camera set up somewhere,” he countered. “All I heard was you talking to someone, I’m assuming Lincoln Sims, about how miserable you are because you can’t tell people about us and that you’re worried I’ll run away again because I’ll get sick of hiding. Is that how you feel?”
Down By Contact (Wilmington Breakers Book 1) Page 14