Few words were spoken while we waited for Lincoln to get up to the hotel room. Zach sat in a chair in the corner of the room, staring out at the night skyline of the city he’d always called home. There was something else we needed to talk about, and this time, I was the one who was scared. His answer would tell me a lot about the fate of our future. “Have you talked to Nate about what’s going on?”
I sat across from him, staring at my hands, praying he wasn’t keeping me a secret from his brother. They never had secrets. Ever. If Nate didn’t know we were back together, it didn’t bode well for us. When I dared a glance at Zach, his face had gone white as the linens on the bed. “It’s not that I haven’t wanted to tell him, there just hasn’t been time.”
“Bullshit,” I said softly, hoping he couldn’t hear the pain in that single word.
Zach popped up out of the chair he’d been sitting in and kneeled in front of me. He rubbed his hands along my thighs until I finally looked up and met his own torn gaze. “I know you think you know everything about us, but even that relationship isn’t the same as it used to be. I wanted to tell him. Fuck, babe, I wanted to tell him like you wouldn’t believe. And yeah, at first, I was scared he’d lay into me for being a fucking idiot to give you another chance, so I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to hear it from him, because something in my gut said I needed to hear you out. I think I always knew you weren’t trying to be an asshole to me, even if you were one. And then, it was just easier to keep us in our little bubble. I tried calling him a few times, but he’s doing his thing with PJ. And I won’t lie, part of me was relieved every time I left another voice mail. I’m under enough stress dealing with training camp and worrying about how we’re supposed to make us work, and I didn’t want anyone to know about us.”
“And I blew that the first week of training camp when I spilled my guts to your coaches.” As long as I lived, I wasn’t sure I’d ever forgive myself for that. I’d promised Zach I wouldn’t do anything to out him, and then I’d slipped up the first time I was faced with someone accusing us of having a secret affair.
“Don’t,” Zach said firmly. He crooked a finger beneath my chin, forcing me to look at him. “You are not going to internalize a bunch of misguided guilt.”
“I’m not,” I lied.
“You fucking are,” Zach countered. “You probably have a list in that head of yours of all the ways you’ve hurt me. But you can erase them all, because you haven’t done a damn thing to me. Was I happy when you told Coach and Nixon about us? No, but that was partly because I was trying to process everything else. And because you told them, they’re trying to help us figure out how to minimize the damage from what’s coming. And if you think about it, none of that would’ve happened if I had remembered that there are cameras everywhere right now. I’m the one who told deShawn about us. And I did that because I want people to know about you. I want it, but I’m not sure how to make it happen without sacrificing everything else.”
“But you’re not going to lose everything,” I reminded him. “The news breaking during training camp might mean you have a shitty year and we have to hide out at home most of the time to avoid people asking questions or giving their unsolicited opinions about your life, but that’s fine by me.”
“It is?”
“Well yeah,” I said, chuckling. It was time to lighten the mood. “The more time we’re at home, the more time we can spend in bed. And I’m all for anything that gives me a reason to be naked with you. Now, back to Nate…”
“Do we seriously have to talk about him right now?” Zach groaned. Now seemed like the perfect time, because we were still waiting on Lincoln to bring us the key to our room. Talking would not only keep us from winding up in an embarrassing situation, it’d also mean we wouldn’t have to waste time once we had real privacy and a huge bed. Zach dug his fingers into my sides, tickling me. I knew he was trying to deflect both my attempts to have a meaningful conversation and his own anxiety, but I didn’t stop him. It’d be good for him to have a diversion. “I know we both changed when we were apart, but you used to have a hell of a lot more game than this, Grif. Now, you’re always talking about parents, siblings, and random crabby old strangers when I’m trying to get something started.”
“I’ve still got plenty of game, baby. But not talking caused all of our problems in the past, and I want to make sure we don’t screw this up again,” I told him. It had nothing to do with not wanting him or being awkward.
“I really hate it when you’re sensible,” Zach complained, falling back on his heels until he was sitting on the floor in front of me. “Fine, let’s talk, but only if you promise me we’ll stop when we get to our room. I don’t know when we’ll get this opportunity again, and I don’t want to waste the time we have together.”
“Deal,” I promised him. “Now, as I was saying, you need to talk to Nate. Soon. And I hate to say it, but I’m talking like before we get naked and sweaty. When this news breaks, you can bet it’ll affect him, too. And his boyfriend. They’ve dealt with enough shit trying to get their relationship off the ground, and I know you well enough to know you’ll hate yourself if you cause problems for them.”
“Ugh, you’re right. I hate it when you’re right,” he grumbled. “Fine. As soon as Lincoln gets here, we’ll head out and I’ll call him. Who knows, maybe they’ll have some advice to help us get through being in a spotlight while we’re still trying to build what we’ve got here.”
I slid off my chair so I was kneeling in front of him. I couldn’t help it, I needed to kiss him. Cupping his face in my hands, I leaned in, pressing my lips to his. Zach wrapped his arms around my waist, sagging against my chest. When the kiss broke, he buried his face in the crook of my neck.
“It’s going to be okay,” I assured him, combing my fingers through his hair. He’d been holding everything in for so long, I’d been waiting for this moment when he broke down. The gravity was finally hitting him. My chest swelled, knowing I was the only person other than his twin who got to see him at his most vulnerable.
“I know. I just hate that this is even a thing. Part of me wishes I’d never started playing football, that I was mediocre so I could’ve quit after college.” I knew it was his anxiety talking. Zach’s entire life revolved around football. That was part of the problem. He had no plan B, and now that he wasn’t sure his stats would be enough, it scared the hell out of him.
“No, you don’t,” I argued. “You’re saying that now because you think it’d make your life easier, but the truth is you’d have struggles no matter what. Everyone does. It’s part of life.”
“Well, life sucks then.” I laughed at his muffled complaint. He pulled his head back so he was looking at me. “Not all of it, obviously, but this whole being an adult thing… yeah, that part totally blows. Why can’t life be easy for once? I thought we’d gotten lucky when my dad didn’t hate my brother and me for being gay. A lot of dads would’ve been angry, knowing both of their sons were gay, but not ours. He was so damn supportive. But now he’s pissed off because I’m not going to stay in the closet until retirement. Fuck, I can’t wait to hear how he’ll react when he finds out about how it’s all going to come out.”
“Crap,” I said, realizing that his dad would be pissed, and he’d probably blame me for whatever fallout came.
“Stop it, Grif. If I can’t dwell on what may or may not happen, neither can you. I know it’s unfair, but right now, I need you to be the levelheaded one of us. Since Nate’s not here to talk me down, I need you to do it.”
“Always,” I promised him, kissing the side of his head. The door opened and both of us tumbled to the floor. We were so used to having to keep things private between us that I figured it’d be a while before we stopped acting like we’d been doing something wrong whenever someone else was around.
“You two do know I would’ve been cool with you sitting in the chairs, right?” Lincoln teased.
“Yeah…uh…we…” Zach fumbled.
/> Lincoln crossed the room to us, reaching out a hand to help us off the ground. “Chill, Kendricks. You don’t owe me any explanations. Here’s your key.”
That got Zach’s attention. He snatched the key out of Lincoln’s hand so quickly he dropped it. I was surprised he didn’t try throwing me over his shoulder to carry me to our room. After all, it was almost time to get naked. I’d been hoping we’d find a way to be together during training camp, but I’d nearly given up. Both of us were so busy with our respective jobs that there was no time to sneak away. As Zach practically dragged me out of the room, I looked back to see Lincoln laughing at us. “Thanks for everything.”
“Don’t mention it.” Lincoln waved me off before I could ramble on. “It’s not going to be easy, but I think if anyone can get through this, it’s the two of you. He’s lucky to have you.”
“I think we’re both lucky,” I admitted. Never in a million years had I thought Zach would not only forgive me, but also allow me to show him how sorry I was for the way I left before.
“True enough,” Lincoln agreed. “Now get out of here. It’s time for this old man to get some sleep. Meet me in the lobby at six and I’ll give you a ride back to campus in time to check in for breakfast.”
Twenty-One
(Zach)
As much as I didn’t want to admit that Griffin had a point, he was right; I needed to call Nate, like yesterday, to give him a heads-up. The media was already up his and PJ’s asses like a suppository, so the moment a reporter or blogger caught wind that my sexuality would be part of this season of Outside the Pocket, there was no way they wouldn’t give them the third degree. And as forgiving as Nate had always been, expecting him to be okay with hearing I was back with Griffin from anyone but me was way beyond even his limits.
“I’m going to jump in the shower,” Griffin said, probably tired of watching me flip the phone over in my hands. He was trying to give me an out, a way to talk to my twin without worrying about how pissed Nate might be to hear we were back together. He kissed me on his way to the bathroom before pressing his forehead to mine. “It’s going to be fine. He’ll understand.”
“I’m tired of everyone telling me it’s going to be okay,” I complained, realizing too late that I’d spoken out loud. “No one knows if it will be, and the number of times I’ve heard it tonight tells me you’re all lying to make me feel better.”
“Not lying,” he corrected. “Just trying to stay positive, because it won’t do anyone any good to freak out prematurely.”
“Shit, now you’re starting to sound like Nate.” I huffed out a laugh at the way Griffin shuddered. It wasn’t that Nate and Griffin didn’t get along, but they definitely hated when they were compared to one another. “And I’ll deny it until the day I die, but you’re right. You’re all right. Thank you for not letting me bury my head in the sand this time.”
“You’re welcome.” He kissed me one more time, trailing his fingers down my arm as he stepped away.
The room seemed eerily quiet as I continued staring at my phone, trying to work up the balls to dial Nate’s number. Even though a few people knew about Griffin and me, telling Nate made it seem painfully real. Unlike everyone else, who kept reassuring me that this time didn’t have to end like the first, Nate wouldn’t spare my feelings. He’d be brutally honest with me about how irresponsible it was to put my heart in Griffin’s hands again.
“I don’t hear any talking out there,” Griffin called out from the bathroom. I laughed, knowing he probably wouldn’t start the shower until he knew I got through to Nate. I debated tossing my phone across the room and joining Griffin. Showering together seemed like a much more productive use of our time. But I couldn’t, because every minute I procrastinated was one minute closer to that fucking trailer going live.
I lifted the phone to my ear after connecting the call. One ring…two…three…fo—”
Shit. “Hey, shouldn’t you be in super top secret important meetings right now?” Nate loved teasing me about how much time we wasted during training camp sitting around listening to the coaches talk.
“Nope, got done early today.” It wasn’t a lie. He didn’t ever need to know I’d been excused from afternoon practice and the offensive line meeting after. The slim chance I had for him to accept our reconciliation would vanish if he thought I was setting Griffin as my top priority.
“You guys barely work as it is, why’d they give you even more time off?” God, Nate had no clue how much I needed this shot of normalcy in my life. Every time we sat down to go over finances, he gave me shit about how overpaid football players were for only having to work one day a week. “I’m beginning to think I picked the wrong line of work.”
“Yeah, because you’d have been a star athlete,” I scoffed. As much as I loved my brother, the boy didn’t have an athletic bone in his body. The water started running in the bathroom, reminding me that I wasn’t alone and Griffin was trying to give me privacy to talk to my brother. Shit. It was now or never. “As great as it is hearing you whine about how I don’t actually earn the money that lets me pay you a salary for sitting around on your ass, there’s something I need to talk to you about, and you’re probably not going to like it.”
“Shit, is everything okay?” There was shuffling on the other end of the line, followed by Nate telling his boyfriend he’d be back in a few minutes. “You’re not getting cut, are you? Have they done first cuts? I thought you said the coaches were happy with how you were looking this year so far.”
“Nate, slow down,” I interrupted, keeping him from guessing any further because he’d never get close to what was really going on. “I’m fine. Not getting cut that I know of.”
“Okay, then what’s up?”
There was no way to keep avoiding the topic. I swallowed hard, wiping my sweaty palms on my shorts. Took another breath, deep and slow this time as I tried to figure out where to start. I figured it was best to hit him with the show bullshit before jumping into the rest. “So, I told you about Outside the Pocket, right?”
“Yeah,” he confirmed, dragging the word out by a few syllables. “Did you find a way to get out of being one of the featured players this year? Because seriously, during the season, you’re one of the most boring men on the planet. It’s bad TV for them to use you. And bad for your image, because then the world will know what a lump you are.”
“You’d think that, wouldn’t you,” I responded, my voice thick with sarcasm. “Sadly, they hit the jackpot when it came to me and there’s no way they’ll let me out of it.”
Silence hung across the line. “Shit.”
If he only knew how fitting his reaction was. “Oh, it’s so much worse than you’re thinking.”
“What did you do?” Nate asked. It pissed me off that he assumed I’d fucked up and accidentally outed myself. For better or worse, I’d known the risks I was taking every step of the way. “Please tell me there’s not a sex tape out there. PJ will be pissed if I have to refuse to ever have sex with him again because my dick shriveled up after seeing your hairy ass banging someone all over the damn internet.”
Okay, so there was a healthy dose of perspective. A sex tape would’ve sucked much worse. “No, there’s no sex tapes. And I kinda planned for word to get out because of the show, but not the way the producers were apparently hoping for.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Not to rush you, but this is a very rare night off for PJ and I’d rather not spend the whole night talking to you. Unlike football players, he works for his paychecks.”
“Haha, very funny, asshole.” The water turned off, letting me know I was quickly running out of time. “Long story short, they were hoping I’d freak the hell out when taping started and there’d be this huge explosion they could use to tease viewers about the player who had a skeleton ready to bust out of his closet.”
“Fuck, that doesn’t sound good at all.”
“It’s not, but their plan backfired,” I told him. Sure, they were still
getting the drama they were looking for, but as I talked to Nate, I realized it was up to me how much of my story they were able to exploit. If Griffin refused to sign a release to have his face on camera, they couldn’t record him. If I didn’t hide him and made a point to be seen with him, there was no big mystery for them to build up for the grand finale. I finally understood what Nixon was trying to tell me; I held every ounce of control right now.
“I’m almost afraid to ask,” Nate muttered in response. “What aren’t you telling me, Zach?”
“Okay, before I tell you the rest, you need to promise you’ll hear me out,” I pleaded, earning a grunt in response. “Their plan was to bring back someone from my past. And they did. But there’s a whole lot of time when the cameras weren’t running between the start of filming and training camp. At first, my skin crawled and I wanted to punch him, but the more time we spent together, the harder it got to ignore him. We wound up talking and—”
“No.”
“Yep.”
“No.”
“Uh huh.” We could do this all night, wasting time both of us would rather being doing something, or someone, else.
“Fuck, tell me this isn’t going where I think it’s going.” Nate’s voice grew sharper. Okay, so I was right, Griffin was wrong. Nate was pissed. “Tell me that weasly little fuck didn’t blow someone to get a job on the show just so he could torment you. Tell me you weren’t stupid enough to fall for it. You know he’s just going to fuck you over again, and this time, the stakes are way fucking higher.”
Down By Contact (Wilmington Breakers Book 1) Page 16