by Rula Sinara
“Jack did try stepping up to the plate, but I’m not marrying anyone. We’ll work things out regarding Pippa, but that’s between us.”
The sound of a door creaking let Anna know that Pippa had woken up.
“Mom, give me a minute and I’ll bring her out.”
She hurried to sleepy-eyed Pippa and redirected her to the bathroom for a potty break. Anna needed a quick break, too. She needed to process what her mom had said. Mrs. Harper had always been sweet. What was going on with her? Couldn’t she have at least asked Anna last night before tweeting to the world?
She lifted Pippa up to the sink and let her wash her hands, then wiped the dried drool from the corner of her daughter’s mouth before walking her out. Anna didn’t miss the way her mom had wrung her hands pink, stopping only when the two of them appeared.
“Pippa, this is your grandma Sue.”
Pippa rubbed her eyes and frowned. “What happened to Gwandma Nina? You look scary.”
Grandma Sue’s eyes widened, which only emphasized the whole mascara-gone-wild look.
“Makeup,” Anna said, trailing her finger down her own cheek to explain. Her mom mouthed an oh and smiled. “Nina is your other grandma. Your dad’s mom,” Anna added. “Grandma Sue is my mom.”
Pippa thought for a minute, rubbing her puffy face against Anna’s shirt, then peering sideways at her grandma. “Did you get me a p’esent, too?” she finally said.
Anna winced. Spoiled in one night. Her mom had always taught her never to ask for gifts, and what’s the first thing Pippa did? Insult her, then ask for a present. Great. It did nothing to prove Anna could raise a child properly.
Sue actually slipped off the couch and onto her knees in front of Pippa. New tears freshened up the already smeared mascara tracks. Anna didn’t recall her ever being so emotional, at least not before that graduation day, when she’d vented like a steam engine over her divorce.
“Pippa, we don’t ask for presents,” Anna said softly. In her defense, she hadn’t had that many opportunities to reinforce certain social rules. Stuff like this didn’t come up much at Busara. Maybe Pippa did need more exposure.
“Nonsense. I didn’t bring a present because I thought it’d be more fun to go to the toy store and let you pick.”
Pippa looked up at Anna. “She’s not a stwanger anymore, right? I can go?”
“We’ll go when your dad gets here. He has the car seat. But you don’t have to do that, Mom.” Savings or not, without a job, Grandma didn’t need to be spending on toys.
“I want to,” she said, standing up. “And don’t you stop me from filling the cart. Now, I’m going to borrow your bathroom to freshen up, if that’s okay. Grandmas shouldn’t look like ghouls,” she said, poking Pippa playfully in the belly.
Pippa squealed. The tummy troubles were gone for sure.
“Do I have another gwandpa, too?” she asked her grandma.
Sue’s eye’s brimmed. “Yes, you do,” she said, without elaborating, and in that moment, Anna realized she’d hurt her mom as much as her father had.
* * *
THE TOY STORE visit was pure insanity. Total child indulgence. Trying to get her mom to understand that they could not take half the stuff she’d bought to Busara was futile. Jack squeezed a doll house into the last remaining space in his trunk, while Anna got Pippa buckled in. Sue sat next to her, opening a box with miniature dolls meant for the house. The situation was getting out of control. And to top things off, after the “surprise” way her mom had heard about Pippa, Anna had to make sure her father heard about his granddaughter firsthand. So while everyone else was browsing toys, she’d gone off to a quiet corner and tried calling his office. Just like old times, almost sensing he wouldn’t be available. Only this time wasn’t quite the same. His secretary informed her that her father had been admitted to the hospital and that as far as she knew, Sue hadn’t been told. Needing to see her dad, Anna had confided in Jack.
She shut the passenger door, leaving her mom and Pippa occupied in the back seat, and headed around the car.
“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Jack said, clicking the trunk shut. “It all fits in her room at my place. I’m sure everyone will tone down the gifts soon. They’re just excited.”
“But this isn’t good for her. And what happens when she goes home—to Busara—and has her shared tent and basic toys? You don’t mind filling her room here, creating a wonderland, because it’s all a competition, isn’t it? Where do you think she’ll want to stay? It’s not rocket science. This is brainwashing. It’s like one divorced parent buying a puppy when the other can’t.”
“You have elephants. That’s kind of hard to compete with.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“I see. Forget ‘not good for her.’ What you’re really saying is that it’s not good for you.”
Anna glared at him. “That’s not fair,” she hissed.
“What’s not fair is assuming I conspired with your mother to manipulate my daughter with toys. Stop for one minute, Anna, put your insecurities aside and see how ridiculous that is.”
“I am not insecure and I didn’t mean to imply that you were conspiring.” But Pippa is the only person in this world who’ll ever love me unconditionally, and I can’t lose her to any of you. I need to keep her close, safe and loved.
“Then what has you on edge? The hospital?”
“Would you lower your voice?” Anna glanced at the car’s rear window just to be sure her mom was still preoccupied.
“If you don’t want to stop there, then don’t, but I think you should. He’s your father. You don’t want to leave with any regrets.”
The double entendre gouged her like an arrow in the gut. She had so many regrets already. Like not checking on her brother one last time. Like breaking a vow she’d made to herself to wait for her one true love. Like not telling Jack. She had regrets, and no, she didn’t want any more. She was tired. So tired.
“I don’t need your warnings, Jack. I’m a big girl and I can deal with my father. We’ll drop my mom at her car, stop at the hospital, and after that I need to borrow your computer or get ahold of a satellite phone at the lab. I want to see how things are at camp.” I need to feel in control again. Back in my world.
“Not a problem. But just so you know, Anna, no amount of toys will ever replace you. Novelties are like puppy love. They don’t last. They’re not the real thing. In spite of everything that has happened, I know you’re a great mom. The values you’ve instilled in her, no matter what detours she takes, they’re what she’ll always fall back on. We all come full circle...you included.”
He’s right. All you had with Jack was one-way puppy love, and it didn’t last. It wasn’t real, any more than what your parents had was, or the fairy tales you put stock in, once upon a time. And now here you are again.
* * *
JACK GAVE A QUICK WAVE as Mrs. Bekker drove off, then told Anna he’d be right back. He ran up to his apartment and grabbed three water bottles and his laptop. Anna wasn’t going to relax until she made sure everyone was okay back home. She could do that from the car. No point in waiting if it brought her stress levels down.
He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and pulled it out. His mom. Boy, she had some explaining to do.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Jack, is Anna there?”
“She’s waiting in the car. I think it’s a little late to check with her before calling Mrs. Bekker.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was afraid Sue had already come over by now. That’s why I need to apologize to Anna. You didn’t tell me she hadn’t told her parents she’d be here. I assumed they knew, and Sue called earlier, so I congratulated her on becoming a grandparent. You can guess the rest. I tried calling you right away, but you didn’t pick up. You never pick up, Jack. What’s th
e point in having a cell phone?”
He remembered his phone vibrating on the table, but he’d been so caught up with Anna he’d ignored it. Then her mother had showed up and he’d forgotten to check his missed calls.
“It’s been a hectic day, Mom. In any case, what’s done is done. We’re headed over to the hospital so she can see her dad.”
“Sue didn’t mention him being ill. Is he all right?”
“She didn’t know. Apparently, they haven’t spoken much since the divorce. Anna called his office and found out from his secretary that he had a minor heart attack earlier this week. He’s being monitored, but he’ll get released soon. Listen, I’ve gotta go. They’re waiting in the car.”
“Can you all come over for dinner tonight?”
Jack paused. Anna would hate him if he said yes. He needed an evening to recover as much as she did. Well, maybe not quite as much, but he did.
“Let’s pick another night, Mom. We already have plans.”
“Okay, I understand. But Jack...please...be careful. Open your eyes.”
* * *
ANNA BLINKED AT the woman holding her father’s hand as he lay propped up in his hospital bed. The new Mrs. Bekker. Anna had a stepmother. A stepmother. The shock of their email announcement almost a year ago didn’t compare to seeing her standing by her father’s side, where her mother should have been and would have been if he’d given her the chance. If he’d made the slightest effort to heal her heart rather than leaving that to a teenage girl. Anna wondered how much news of his remarriage had impacted her mother’s decision to quit therapy. Had she been trying to prove she was just as strong and together as his new wife?
Anna looked down at the bank papers he’d handed her. Funds designated for his granddaughter’s expenses. Her father who, except for his wedding announcement, had rarely taken the time to return her messages or calls. He’d washed his hands clean of his past life with them and had probably gotten sick of Anna asking him to check on her mom. He didn’t want the responsibility of them anymore. He couldn’t take the time to contact her, but now he expected her to take his money? Was everything about money and business with him?
How ironic that he had someone to stand by his side. Of course Anna wanted him cared for, but the child in her could still hear the dial tone after begging him to come home on time, because although she’d tried fixing dinner, she couldn’t get her mom out of the deserted baby’s room, where she sat staring at the wall. He always had work excuses and never came.
Of course, Anna was now old enough to understand that everyone mourned in their own way, but he still should have helped his wife through, not to mention his remaining child. She remembered the helpless, desperate and guilty feelings that had left her crumpled in the corner of her bed after her brother died. She’d needed her dad to be her pillar. To hug her and tell her he still loved her. To help her with her mom. But he’d closed himself off—probably blamed the two of them for his loss.
Now Anna didn’t need to rely on anyone. If her father had done anything, he’d made her stronger and had taught her that time did not heal everything. Money didn’t, either, but it seemed to be the only way he knew how to give.
Hearing her dad had had a heart attack had scared her. She cared. She wished he could see that and care back.
“I can’t accept this,” Anna said, holding the papers up. He sure hadn’t wasted any time in calling his accountant and having them drawn up and faxed over.
“We want you to. Please,” her father’s wife said.
Anna’s back prickled at her use of the word we. This Mrs. Bekker dressed so disconcertingly similar to how Sue used to. Simple, yet smart and businesslike. Down to the plain beige slacks she’d paired with short pumps, and the small gold hoops in her ears.
Anna racked her mind for her stepmother’s first name and drew a blank. She’d introduced herself, but the momentary shock of seeing her in person had rendered Anna’s ears useless, and she couldn’t recall the wedding announcement. Was it Missy or Mindy? Anna was too embarrassed to ask. Jack would remember. She’d ask him later.
“I really can’t,” she said.
Jack, his jaw popping rhythmically, stood by the hospital bed with Pippa on his hip so that she could see everyone. Her grandpa reached out with his free hand, the one without an IV taped to it, to hold on to Pippa’s. He looked pale, his face drawn.
“Anna,” he said. “It may seem like a lot to you, but it’s nothing compared to what I would have spent on my granddaughter had I known she existed. We’ll start a college fund for her, and add to it every year.”
Anna wanted to argue, but the beeping of his heart monitor and all the tubes and gadgets he was hooked up to held her back. This wasn’t the place or time. He needed to get better, not worse. As much as his absence had hurt her mom, he was still her father, and it was wrong in so many ways to see him weak and bedridden. Anna didn’t want to cause him harm. She didn’t want to cause anyone pain, but to him, money meant power—having the power to dictate how things were going to be. Giving money was a brush-off. He didn’t truly want to be a part of his granddaughter’s life.
Anna glanced at Jack, who seemed to understand how tortured and tongue-tied she felt.
“Sir, that’s generous of you, but I intend to cover my daughter’s expenses,” he interjected.
Jack looked pointedly at Anna. They hadn’t discussed child support. Anna hadn’t questioned that he’d step up to the plate, given his nature and how badly he wanted Pippa to live with him. Still, hearing it was odd. It was right and good, of course, but a tiny part of Anna felt it was one more step in her losing full control of Pippa’s life.
Anna’s father gave him a dirty look, one of doubt and disapproval. “Trust me, there’ll be plenty of expenses for you to cover,” he said dismissively.
Men. Anna had been managing fine on her own, yet here they were, locking horns over supporting Pippa.
“It’s really not necessary, Dad.”
“It is because I say it is,” he stated firmly. His mental faculties, tone and voice hadn’t weakened at all, apparently. “It’s my money to do with as I please, and I want to give it to my granddaughter. I could die tomorrow. I’m adjusting my estate planning in a way that will benefit everyone and not burden anyone, and this is part of it. End. Of. Discussion.”
Anna flinched at his raised voice. The man still had the power to put her in her place. From the corner of her eye, she saw Jack distracting Pippa with his cell phone, pressing buttons for her, in spite of the stark look on his face and hard set of his jaw.
Her father’s wife showed no reaction until he coughed and started to raise himself on the flat hospital pillows. She immediately reached back to fluff and adjust them for him. Anna stared. Watching him with another woman was surreal.
“Thank you, Mary.”
Mary. How could she forget such a simple name?
“Gwandma used money and got me dis,” Pippa said, holding out her arm to show off her dress-up bracelet.
Richard craned his neck. “Is that so?”
“We saw Mom earlier,” Anna explained. “I’m thinking she doesn’t know you’re here. She didn’t mention it, but I can let her know. I’m sure she’ll—”
“No. Don’t tell her. I don’t need her showing up.”
Anna was taken aback by his sharpness. The papers she still held were getting crumpled by her grip, and the corners of her eyes stung. She felt like a little girl again, being yelled at for begging him to come to her play, or track meet, or home.
“Oh, okay. I realize she’s no longer your wife, but I just figured—”
“Leave it alone, Anna. When you get older, you’ll see that life is too short for misery. You can’t force yourself to love someone, and you can’t force someone to love you. I’ve moved on.”
You can’t
force someone to love you.
He’d moved on long ago.
Anna scratched her cheek and cleared her throat. Don’t let it get to you. He’s just grumpy and not well.
“If you want, I’ll make sure you can stay in touch with Pippa.” Anna watched his expression to see if the words sank in. If you want.
The pulse on her father’s monitor began beeping rapidly and Anna leaped out of the chair at the same time as Mary, who pushed a red button on the side of his bed. Jack stepped away with Pippa, letting a nurse who rushed into the room check his status on the monitors. They all waited as the nurse injected something into his IV and the beeping began to slow down.
“I’m so sorry, Dad.” Anna felt terrible. Mentioning her mom had upset him that much? Or was it Anna showing up with Pippa? Meeting his grandchild should have made him happy.
Anna looked over at Jack for some indication that she wasn’t crazy. His forehead was beaded with sweat and he was staring blankly at the heart monitor, hugging Pippa tighter than necessary.
“There are too many visitors in here. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave, and come in no more than two at a time,” the nurse said. “Mr. Bekker, no more excitement. If you can’t talk about the weather or something happy, like that cutie pie, then don’t talk.” She smiled at Pippa, then left.
“I’ll take Pippa down to the car and wait. Let you have some privacy,” Jack finally said, twisting his neck to the side.
“Yes, thank you. A little privacy would be nice,” Richard said, completely unaware that Jack looked paler than he did. “First let me kiss my granddaughter. Pippa, be good and don’t be a stranger.”
So he did want to see her?
“I’m not a stwanger,” Pippa said. Her dad and Mary chuckled, but not Jack. He carried her out swiftly and Anna told her dad she’d be right back. She caught up with them down the hall.