by Rula Sinara
“Good to see you again,” he said, then reached down and scooped Pippa up. “No rabid monkeys allowed here, so naptime it is.”
Anna beamed at him knowingly. Yes. He remembered every word she’d uttered at Busara, good and bad. Just like he remembered how much she used to love this place.
* * *
JACK DROVE DOWN the dirt road from the main entrance of the animal park. Pippa was exhaustingly happy. She’d been far more taken with the little gift shop here than the toy store she’d visited in town. Animal everything, everywhere.
She swung her feet from her car seat as she played with a stuffed lemur plush toy. She’d told the shopkeeper that Ambosi would be jealous of its tail. The clerk had no idea who Ambosi was.
A thud hit Jack through his seat every five seconds. And those little legs held more power than they let on. He flexed his fingers on the steering wheel.
“Hey, monkey, stop kicking, okay?” he said, eyeing her in the rearview mirror.
Anna reached back and held Pippa’s ankles. “Stop. Your daddy has to drive,” she said.
“Thanks,” Jack murmured.
Anna propped her elbow against the door and rested her head against her palm.
“It’s sad about Mr. Chase’s parents,” she said. “I hope he finds a buyer who’ll take good care of the place, or at least find new homes for all the animals.”
“Maybe zoo breeding programs?” Jack suggested.
“I doubt it,” Anna said. “A few of the animals, maybe, but most of them were too old...or not endangered. Breeding programs tend to focus on endangered or at-risk species.”
“Well, hopefully he’ll find someone interested in the place.” Jack glanced at Anna.
“It won’t be easy.” She sighed.
Another kick bolted him. “Hey, no kicking,” he stressed. Pippa stopped.
He glanced in the rearview mirror and saw his daughter’s big eyes staring back. Her thumb was nestled in her mouth. His throat clogged up. He was a parent. He hoped Pippa would never feel burdened with taking care of him if his health declined in old age. He never wanted to be anyone’s burden again. His biological parents hadn’t suffered from dementia, but they’d fried enough brain cells on heroin. They’d stared at him plenty of times when he’d been a little boy, looking as if they had no idea who he was. Pippa would never experience that.
“Hey, Pips. I can’t drive with the kicking, but I’m not mad. Okay?”
He got a quick nod in response and felt his chest go limp.
Everyone got sucker punched by life sooner or later. Some more than once. Right now, he had a lot to figure out. Stuff he could handle without burdening Anna. She’d taken on enough...made it this far on her own. It was his turn to step up to the plate.
“Nothing meaningful is ever easy,” Jack said.
From the way Anna rested her head back on the seat, reaching behind her to rub Pippa’s leg softly, he knew she agreed.
* * *
JACK’S PHONE RANG just as he merged onto the main road into town. Zoe’s name appeared on the screen. Anna jolted at the sound. She’d dozed off and he’d enjoyed stealing glances at her peaceful face.
“I’m sorry. Could you answer that for me?” he asked. “I’ve been getting flak for ignoring calls.”
Anna pulled her hand back from Pippa, whose head kept nodding, then jerking up. Drool glistened at the corner of her mouth. Anna picked up his cell and answered. Her voice sounded drained and tired. Jack suspected it wasn’t all about being jet-lagged. This was probably the first time in years she wasn’t surrounded by the responsibilities of camp. Here, she could let go. He could do his part. He liked that.
“Oh, hey, Zoe. He’s driving. Hang on.” Anna pressed a button and held it up. “Okay, you’re on speaker.”
“Jack?” His sister’s voice came through.
“What’s up?”
“Can you guys swing by later? I need your help,” Zoe said.
“What kind of help?” he asked. He’d help no matter what, but she was his sister and giving her a hard time was a requirement.
“I’m expecting Ben to Skype this evening, and I need to get to the boxes at the back wall in the garage. The boxes you stored with us during your apartment move are in the way.”
He’d never intended to leave his stuff there that long, but he was always so busy at the lab. Ben had helped him unload some of his stuff in their garage while he was in town during his last leave, a couple months ago. Moving boxes right now... Not the best time.
“Hang on. When I helped carry your crib and boxes of Chad’s outgrown clothes down, I thought we stacked them behind my boxes. Wasn’t that the point? So they wouldn’t be in the way?”
“Yep,” Zoe said, her voice exuding energy.
Anna’s eyes widened and she straightened in her seat. She splayed her hands out as if to say, “Don’t you get it?” Jack squinted at her, then at the road ahead.
No. Way.
“Zoe, are you pregnant again?” he asked.
“Yep!” she squeaked through the speaker. “I need to get the outfit Maddie and Chad came home from the hospital in, so I can put it in the background when I Skype Ben. It’s how I told him about Chad. Maddie wants to put it on one of her dolls and carry the doll while she talks to her dad, see if he notices. I think it’s a great idea, don’t you?”
“Very cute. And congratulations, Zoe,” Anna called out.
“Congrats, Fertile Myrtle,” Jack said. And here he and Anna were just talking about breeding programs earlier.
“Jack!” Anna said, punching him softly in the arm. She closed her eyes and shook her head.
“What? It was a joke,” Jack said.
“Jack, dear. I love ya, but promise me you’ll never quit your lab job and go to work in public relations.” Zoe chuckled. “You guys stopping by or what? I hate to ask. I know you probably have plans, Anna, and I don’t want to—”
“Are you kidding? We’re on our way,” she said, before Jack could answer.
“Thank you. You guys are the best.”
Zoe disconnected the call. Jack put his right hand over Anna’s. Anna turned her head in surprise.
“Thank you,” he said, then quickly let go, because he realized he didn’t want to and the feeling scared him.
She slipped her hand back into her lap and stared straight ahead. Her cheeks glowed. Because of his touch or because of Zoe’s news? He decided it was the latter.
Was that how she’d looked and acted when she’d found out she was pregnant? Or had she been robbed of that joy because she’d been alone? Right now, she’d be experiencing it vicariously through Zoe, but he’d never be able to give her back what she’d missed. Unless she hadn’t missed out entirely. Clearly, she hadn’t missed or needed his friendship. Sharing the news? Showers and shopping and all the other stuff women bonded over? She had Niara.
Suddenly, Jack felt more appreciation for Niara’s role in Anna’s life, and in Pippa’s, than he had before. She really was like family to Anna, just as the Harpers had become his. But the one person who she should have been able to turn to hadn’t been there for her, because he’d somehow hurt her and she’d cut him out of her life.
Anna had always been there for Jack. She’d been there through his toughest years. His awkward, quiet teens, hiding in the chair at the back of their health ed. class because he could hear his name being passed around when drugs were discussed. The kid whose parents were addicts and had died of an overdose. That’s how he was known to everyone—except Anna. She had never walked away from him until the morning after Pippa was conceived. He missed that friendship. Owed it to her. He’d rebuild it, rebuild their connection, but this time he’d stop short of breaking it.
He glanced in the rearview mirror at Pippa again. His parenting instinc
t had kicked in and he kept automatically checking on her. Her eyes were drooping. What was it with cars, kids and sleepiness? He had a lot to learn.
Ben was about to find out he was a dad again. He had yet to find out he was an uncle. Jack couldn’t wait for him to get back in a couple of months. Ben would have plenty of dad advice, for sure.
Jack had friends he hung out with on occasion—a group of other doctors and lab techs who’d meet up at a pub on Fridays after work—but not the kind he really connected with. He’d never caught on to the whole hang-out-with-buddies thing. There was Ben...or Kamau, he realized. Talking to Kamau was like talking to a college buddy he’d known for years. Jack liked the guy. Found his advice entertaining, and he’d never admit it to him, but the vet was pretty astute. Observant. Spot on, in fact.
Kamau wasn’t here, though. It was good to know, however, that if Jack’s idea didn’t work out, someone trustworthy would be around for Anna when she returned to Kenya.
Alone.
* * *
ONLY FOUR OF Jack’s boxes had fit into his car, so he’d left Anna and Pippa at Zoe’s while he went to drop them off at his place. The rest had gotten moved aside for the next load. In the meantime, Zoe had found what she needed.
Anna was relieved to get some time away from Jack, but being with his mom after the way he’d touched her hand in the car felt uncomfortable. His mother had softened and had even insisted on being called Nina, but still. Anna wasn’t a part of any of this. She couldn’t even let her mind go in that direction. She knew life. She knew Jack. She knew impossibilities and disappointment. But the touch of his hand, the sincerity of his thanks, had caught her off guard.
Anna rubbed her upper arms as she took in the framed family photos clustered on the built-in shelves flanking Zoe’s fireplace. With everyone connecting with Ben, Anna felt like an intruder. Plus, as confused as she felt, she didn’t want to get cornered by Nina, as she had her first night here. Looking at photos—and they were all so beautiful, every face full of joy—gave her some semblance of a reason to be in the room. Family-crashing.
“Anna,” Mrs. Harper whispered over her shoulder. “Why don’t we take Pippa to the swings out back?”
“Of course,” she said. She waited for Pippa to wave bye-bye to her new uncle, then led her out of the room. Anna didn’t know why, but she felt a little embarrassed being here.
They followed Mrs. Harper into the kitchen, where she poured some cheese-flavored crackers into a plastic container for Pippa, grabbed a plate of chocolate chip cookies and motioned toward the screen door.
“How about we sit on the deck. Pippa can have fun on the play set,” she suggested. They both looked back at the living room, the sound of Ben’s voice carrying to them.
Anna opened the screen door and followed Mrs. Harper outside in order to give Zoe and Ben some alone time. Pippa ignored the crackers and ran straight for the play set near the edge of the fenced yard. The structure was small enough to be safe for little ones, and she had no problem climbing the ladder for the slide. Little monkey. Anna hoped it wouldn’t give her any stunt ideas back at camp. Pippa would graduate from imitating animal calls, and start climbing trees like Ambosi. And acacia trees had thorns.
It was a little cooler this evening. Anna sat on the top step and wrapped her arms around her knees. She’d forgotten how much she loved having four seasons. Early fall, with its crisp air, warm colors and harvest-themed gatherings, had always been her favorite time of year. It held the promise of Thanksgiving, one of the few meals of the year where both her parents would be present. It was the only time her family appeared to be traditional...together.
The rest of the holidays would inevitably go downhill. Too much of a reminder. Too much of a trigger for her mom. And any other time of year, they ate on their own, whenever it suited their schedules. Sure, Anna shared many meals with her mom, but most of the time she wandered alone into their empty kitchen, grabbed a snack and left. Here at Zoe’s, every meal seemed to be a family event. Zoe’s kitchen—and even Mrs. Harper’s, as Anna recalled from the few times she’d stopped over to study with Jack during their school days—was modest, but always smelled wonderful and was always full of family.
Anna took in a slow, deep breath through her nose and closed her eyes. You could never be like one of them. You could never make your life like this, because it isn’t what you know. It’s not you. You would never be able to hold everyone together, and breakups hurt everyone. But what about Pippa? What if this life became her model? Could she grow up normally? Be happy?
Anna opened her eyes at the sound of Pippa yelling, “Run, run, run!” as she circled the playground over and over. Zoe had found an old sweater of Maddie’s in one of the boxes and given it to Pippa. She would have a whole wardrobe of Maddie’s hand-me-downs if she lived here. Pippa was definitely starting to act more at home now, especially after visiting the wildlife park. That had been so thoughtful and considerate of Jack. He was paying attention to his daughter.
Mrs. Harper sighed and Anna looked at her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you. It’s just been a long day and this is all so beautiful. The yard, the weather. It’s dreamy,” Anna said.
“I love it here. There’s something about September that makes me want to cook and bake nonstop. And being close to my grandkids is such a joy.”
Anna smiled and linked her fingers together. She glanced at Pippa playing. The missing grandchild.
“Oh, I didn’t mean that as a jab,” Mrs. Harper quickly added. “I mean, it would be so perfect if Pippa were nearby, too, but—”
“Don’t worry. I didn’t take it the wrong way. I’m sure Maddie and Chad love having their grandparents around. And Zoe...I’m sure it’s such a help for her. Especially with Ben gone so much.”
“We help when we can. That’s what family is for, after all. Good friends are priceless, too.”
Anna nodded, grateful for the acknowledgment that her friends in Kenya were indeed invaluable. She wouldn’t have survived without them.
“Look, Anna. I promise I won’t pry anymore, and I’m sorry about that first night when I came on strong. I let mama bear take over and wasn’t thinking about your feelings. That was terrible of me. I’m also sorry about tweeting and telling your mother when she called the other morning,” Nina said. “I was so excited that I didn’t think, and she never connects with me online or anywhere, so she wasn’t on my mind when I sent out the message.”
“It’s okay. It all turned out for the best. And I completely understand the mama bear thing, although I have to admit I’ve gotten in the habit of switching the expression to mama elephant. They are highly protective.” Anna grinned.
“Still, I’m sorry,” Nina said.
“No, you didn’t know, and don’t be sorry. If anyone owes apologies to everyone, it’s me. Especially to Jack.”
Seeing Ben talking to his family over a monitor had twisted Anna’s heart. He wasn’t always around for them, but he was gone because he was trying to follow his calling, do right by all and give his family a better life. He missed out on so much as his kids grew. So many milestones. For all his sacrifices, he deserved more. And Zoe... She was phenomenal, always positive and upbeat. If she ever felt down, she didn’t show it—at least not in the time Anna had spent with her. And Anna suspected she held it together for Ben’s sake and for their kids.
That was love. Zoe and Ben’s love was strong enough to survive his deployment. Marriage needed that. Jack had never loved her that way. Anna had been nothing but a familiar comfort to him. He didn’t know the difference.
She did. She’d seen love and the lack of it. It’s what had been missing between her parents and why their marriage didn’t make it. It’s why her mom couldn’t let go of the past...and why Anna had needed so badly to protect her from more pain.
Her mom had tr
usted her to watch over her baby brother. If her mom had found out about Pippa, and grown attached to her, she’d have become paranoid about Anna raising her so far away and under strange circumstances. Her mom would have lost it. She was fragile as it was. Noncompliant with therapy and meds, and Anna wouldn’t have been around to make sure she was okay. No one, Jack included, could have comprehended the fear, guilt and doubt that had plagued Anna when she found out she was pregnant. Those first months after Pippa’s birth... Bless Niara for having been there, consoling and reassuring her that she was a good, caring mother.
Deep down, there was a niggling need to prove that she could protect a baby, that she could give life and save a life. She was so sorry now for Jack having missed out on so much with his child, but she hadn’t had a choice. He would have taken Pippa. He’d have gone out of his way to disrupt the family and the life she’d built—her sanctuary where, for once, life made sense.
“Life’s scary, isn’t it? There are never any guarantees, but there are so many possibilities. Trust me. You don’t get to my age without learning a thing or two about life. Have a cookie,” Mrs. Harper said.
A cookie—with a glass of advice. Anna took a cookie and waited.
“You know, when Jack first came to live with us, he barely spoke for several months. So glum and withdrawn. He would sit on his bed, reading for hours on end. Loved science and how-to books. I’d been told that he might use fantasy or fiction as an escape, but I think the nonfiction books made him feel in control. Made him feel like he understood or had a grasp of something concrete, since he hadn’t had control of his life before.
“Anyway, I digress. My point is that it didn’t matter how I decorated his room, how many new clothes he got or how much praise we gave, he’d simply thank us and clam up. I saw so much in that boy’s eyes, in his face, that it killed me not to be able to break through, to see him let his guard down and embrace life. It was almost a year before he gave me a sign. It was a Valentine’s card made just for me. Not the ones every kid makes at school, but one he’d come up with on his own, in his room. I still have it. You know what it said?”