Psyche Honor (Psyche Moon)

by Buhr, Chrissie

  I gave her a partial truth and let her hear the edge in my voice. “A couple of guys beat me up. That was the night I found out what I am and discovered that werewolves are more than a fairy tale.”

  “You said you saved her life.”

  “I did. She was injured before I stopped them.”

  “How did you stop them?” She eagerly wanted to know, so I desperately didn’t want to tell her.

  I shook my head as if unable to put words to it, giving myself time to formulate an answer. “I just made them stop. I didn't know I could, or I would have done it before they did this to me.” I pointed at my face defensively. “Then suddenly people are calling me a Mage, turning into wolves, and threatening my life. The Alpha was grateful that I saved Billie, so I'm under his protection. The others can't touch me.” I paused. “Unless I'm caught claiming Billie.”

  “Don't get caught,” she advised gravely, her southern accent returning.

  “I don't plan on it.”

  “You're playing a dangerous game, child,” she warned. “Even if you have the power, you don't have the experience to control a Wolf. If they turn on you, you won’t be able to protect yourself.”

  Showing genuine confidence, I replied. “Billie will protect me. She's devoted to me already. She's already talking about leaving with me if the situation implodes.”

  That satisfied her. “It won't be long before she's fully claimed by the sound of it.”

  “Will the other Wolves know when she's fully claimed?” I asked.

  “They don't know about Nathan, do they?”

  “No, but they didn't know him before. Will they notice the change?”

  “Not if you leave her outer strata intact,” Cassandra cautioned.

  I nodded. “Thanks for the advice.”

  “Will you do something for me in turn?”

  “What do you want?”

  “Tell me if they figure out my Wolf is claimed. I've put a lot of work into that one. I don't want to lose him.” I thought about the Pup’s tangled mind caught in agony. She’d worked him over, for sure.

  “I will, and I can do more. My pet is the main one evaluating him. I can keep her from figuring it out.”

  “See, she's already useful,” Cassandra beamed. Her plans were unfolding nicely, or so she thought. I didn't correct her.

  “Let me give you my phone number so you can contact me,” I offered.

  “You don't know how to mindspeak?” Her haughty tone mocked me yet again.

  Exasperated at her, I snapped a little. “Do you want the Wolves finding out about you? Because touching my mind in any way when they're around could get me killed and you discovered.”

  “They don't know when I'm in my pet's mind,” she argued.

  “That must be different. Sometimes they sense us and sometimes they don’t. I don’t understand it all yet, but I'm pretty sure they'd know instantly if we mindspeak. It's not worth the risk.” In her arrogance she didn't believe me. “How much time have you spent in a pack of Wolves?” I challenged. “Trust me on this one. Don't contact me mentally.”

  “They won't know,” she insisted stubbornly.

  Putting my hands on my hips, I didn't let it go. “If they figure out that we're talking, I will tell them you've claimed Nathan. I will give them your Wolf to save my life. Are you willing to risk him? Hell, I’ll give them you if that’s what it takes to stay alive.” She didn't answer immediately, calculating my threat. “Use the phone and ask for someone else when you call. If I say you have the wrong number, hang up. It means they're listening.”

  “Okay. Perhaps you'll have something to teach us about Wolves before this is over.” To my astonishment, she meant it.

  I forced myself to calm down. The idea of her in my head had given me the willies. “I take it this doesn't happen very often? A Mage living with the Wolves?”

  “I doubt it’s ever happened. Normally they just kill us.”

  “I'm going to avoid that part. It's getting way too complicated for my comfort. Once she's mine, I'm out of here.”

  She nodded. “Call me if you run into any problems. We'll help get you out.” She wanted me in debt to her.

  I lied. “I will.”

  We'd circled around the trail and arrived where we began. Pulling a key out of her purse, she sauntered to a slick silver rental car.

  I watched her drive away and held myself in check. My control began to slip as soon as she left sight and sense. My hands shook, and my knees nearly buckled beneath me. Quickly I threw a wall up, and just in time. Billie felt my panic but couldn't tell what caused it. She assumed the worst and nearly bolted out of her office. What's wrong?! Who is it?

  No. I'm okay. Really I am. I just had a flashback or something. I hated deceiving her, and it shamed me how easily I lied to her.

  Gods, you scared me. I thought you were being attacked. That must have been one hell of a flashback. She began to calm, and we no longer risked a wolf sighting among Boise residents.

  It was. I used to have them a lot. This is the first one in a long time. Partially true, I had experienced flashbacks in the past.

  Do you want me to come home? she offered, eagerly wanting to be with me after her fright.

  No. I’m okay. I really am. I promise.

  Okay. If you change your mind, just say so. I'll come home.

  Her concern touched me, renewing my guilt. I changed the subject. How's it going with Richard?

  He's being an ass to everyone, and the staff is about ready to walk. I've been playing peacekeeper.

  Not what you were expecting out of your day. The situation diverted my thoughts nicely.

  No. He owes me big for this one.

  Well, no need to aggravate it further with my presence. I feel better already. Her mind in mine had calmed me, but not nearly as much as I projected.

  I love you. See you tonight.

  I love you too. I smiled at the thought of holding her later.

  The mental contact ended, and I began to shake again. Any breakdown would happen privately, I resolved. The trailhead led into a network of paths, some leading deeper into the foothills than the one I'd walked with Cassandra. Choosing one at random, I ran. The trail twisted away from the city, uphill along a tiny stream. Small trees grew along the banks, and I found a sheltered thicket off the path. Sitting on a log by the trickling water, I fortified my mental barriers and let myself cry.

  My entire body shook with sobs, and I wrapped my arms protectively around myself. Rocking back and forth, tears ran unchecked down my cheeks. I could only hope that no one would discover me. I'd placed myself inside of a tight mental box, separate from Billie and away from any Mage's ability to penetrate. I didn't know if I had enough left in me to deal with someone in person.

  Something wet touched my hand, and I jumped. I hadn't felt anyone approach. Through tear-clouded vision, I saw Kato's leggy form in front of me. Compassionate eyes looked into mine, and I enveloped him in a desperate hug. Curling into me, he offered what comfort he could. My tears wetted his fur, and he let me cling to him and babble without complaint. “I met a Mage. She was horrible. The first time I meet one of my people, and she's a monster. She called Nathan her pet. She called Wolves primitive creatures and beasts. I pretended to be like her. I called Billie my pet. I feel like something slimy has crawled inside of me, and I can't get it out.”

  You do what you must to protect your mate and pack. There is no shame in your actions.

  I disagreed. “I'm betraying them. I'm lying to them. I don't know if I can keep doing it. I feel more alone these last few days than ever before. I'm surrounded by people that I love. For the first time in my life, I can be myself, and I'm lying to all of them. I hate it.”

  Honor must be kept in spirit while broken in action. He reiterated what he'd told me the first time we met. Even then he'd known deceiving Billie would be the most difficult part of my task.

  “So much is happening to me, Kato. My world is turning upside down and insi
de out. I need her, and I can't tell her what's going on.”

  You are stronger than you know. Lowering myself to the ground, he curled heavily across my legs. I leaned my back against the log and curled my hands in the thick fur of his neck, much like I did with Billie.

  “You said before that I'm powerful even for a Mage. I asked her about Mage powers. Have you ever heard of Kratos?”

  Kratos are the most powerful of all Mages, one with the ability to control another Mage. Very few are born into each generation.

  “Are they bad?”

  You are as you choose to be.

  Kathryn’s words echoed in my mind. “I'm Kratos, aren't I?” The question came as a whisper, and I knew the answer.

  Yes.

  “I don't want this. I just want a normal life with Billie. I don't want this kind of power. It scares me, Kato.”

  The power is a part of you. It is neither good nor bad. You have chosen respect for others. You do not take their choice and freedom, even at your own inconvenience or expense.

  “I have used it, Kato. I am not as innocent as you think.”

  He raised his head and looked directly in my eyes. I was raised Sage from infancy, reared by a wise and kind man who taught my brother and I to use our abilities to benefit others. Like any being, I have not lived a blameless life. I have lived the best life I know how, doing much good in this world. I have been blessed many times over. Instead of guidance, you have received scorn and fear. And unlike mine, your power comes with the chance of becoming lost to yourself. Still you choose compassion and discretion. You have experienced too much to call innocent. You are wise even in your youth.

  “I don't feel wise. I want to believe I'm doing the right thing, but none of this feels right.”

  A lie feels foul to the wise, even when it's necessary. Your actions are more right than you can know. Daughter, you are a blessing to this world. You will change the course of destiny for Mages and Wolves. Know your strength. Accept your power.

  “I don't understand. How will I change destiny for Mages and Wolves? How is that even possible?” The shock of his statement slowed my tears.

  In time I will tell you everything. For now, know this and find comfort in it. Your parents were not like the one you met today. Mages are as they choose to be, and as creatures of choice some choose better than others. You carry your father's spirit and your mother's love. They cherished you and would be proud of the woman before me.

  It did comfort me. I felt the truth of his words and knew my parents were good people. Until then I hadn't realized how much it had weighed on me. I'd formed an image of them, selfish and arrogant, surrounded by pet Wolves and Humans. As that image dissolved, I felt a heavy weight lift from my heart. “Did you know my parents?”

  In a sense, yes. I did not meet them and only watched your father for a short time long before you were conceived.

  “Do you know what happened to them? Why I was raised among humans?”

  I know the essence of their story. They gave their lives so that you may live.

  “I suspected that was true. Do you know who killed them?”

  I suspect, but I do not know. You are not an orphan by the hands of Wolves, of this I'm certain.

  A deep breath escaped my lungs. “I'm glad. I know that shouldn't matter, but it does.”

  You are never alone, Daughter of Exile. You have many more friends than you have yet met.

  'Daugher of Exile' sounded like a title, and I was growing too tired to ask. “Has anyone ever told you you're cryptic?”

  Many times. I speak as clearly as I know how. The truth is sometimes obscure, more so when one doesn't wish to see it.

  “What is it that I'm not wishing to see?”

  You are wanted and you are needed.

  “I am wanted and needed.” The words felt foreign to me, and I made a commitment to change that.

  Sleep, daughter. I will watch over you. Sleep and wake rested, for your journey is just beginning. I fell asleep where I sat between the creek and the log. Kato curled beside me with his head on my shoulder, watching over me as promised.

  Chapter 11

  Billie found me on her back patio when she arrived home after work. I could sense her coming. Lost in thought, I hadn’t greeted her in my normal way. Earlier, I'd woken by the creek feeling more rested than I could remember. Kato lay beside me in wolf form, his chin resting in the crook of my neck. He'd soothed my dreams while I slept, and under his guardianship, I slept deep and woke refreshed.

  You are stronger than you know, he said again before I left. This is easier to feel when rested.

  When my thoughts returned to Cassandra, they came without the same emotional explosion. I replayed the conversation several times, looking at it from every angle. Kato offered me some peace, and with it I found clarity. I knew what I had to do. I understood who I needed to appear to be in order to protect the pack. Lying to Billie and my friends still didn't feel right, but the guilt I'd plagued myself with lessened. It wasn't right, but it was necessary.

  Billie paused when she stepped out the back door. Crossing slowly to the chair beside me, she sat and took my hand. “I've never seen you like this.” Her soft voice roughened with concern. “Distant. Melancholy.”

  Looking deep into her green eyes, I hungered to tell her everything. Instead I offered her the truth without the dangerous details. “These last couple of weeks I've been caught in a whirlwind. So much has happened. My life, my whole world, has completely transformed, and I haven't had a chance to process it. Today it caught up to me and bit me in the ass.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded, confident in that response. “I can handle this. I've been living in the Human world my whole life. I'm not human, and I didn't know that, but I did know I was very different. So different that I crawled in a hole to get away from it. Now I know why, and I'm starting to understand what I am. I don't have to be scared of it. I am scared of it, but I don't have to be. I'm learning more about my powers, gaining better control of them. I'm less likely to hurt someone by accident now. I'm not as scared of myself as I used to be.

  “My life is very complex and bizarre. My girlfriend's a Wolf, and I'm a Mage. I didn’t know these things existed a few weeks ago. If that's not weird enough, Wolves and Mages are sworn enemies. This kind of relationship isn't supposed to leave Shakespeare plays. Some of your Pack wants to kill me, and that's fairly stressful. But I love you more than I know how to say, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. We'll work through the Pack problems. This weirdness is full of wonder too. Yesterday I ran and hunted with a pack of Wolves. How incredible is that? Who gets to do that?

  “The most extraordinary part is that I don't have to hide what I am anymore. Even though being a Mage is complicating the hell out of our entire life, I get to be me. I don't have to hide anymore. I am who I choose to be. I choose to be a person who respects other people's privacy and free will. I choose to be a loving mate, a good friend, and a supportive packmate.”

  Billie's eyes glistened. Overcome with emotions, words failed her for several moments. “I love you more than anything. I've been so worried about you. Hearing you say that makes me very happy.”

  I squeezed her hand reassuringly. “We're going to be just fine. I feel it.” She didn't feel it, but she wanted to. I leaned over to kiss her softly on the lips. “How did it go at work today?”

  Cringing slightly, she admitted, “I lost my temper with Richard. It wasn't even about you this time.” Her eyes hardened at the memory, and she drew in a deep breath. “He was in a mood all day, barking at people left and right. He's usually very pleasant and everyone likes him. He threatened one of the paralegals. I could hear him yelling all the way from my office in the back. When I walked in, he looked like he was going to hit her. She was terrified.

  “She's Human. I went Beta on him and threw him against the wall. I told the paralegal she could take the rest of the day off with pay if she wanted
. She did. Hopefully she comes back tomorrow. Hopefully she doesn’t sue. By then the whole office was watching or listening, and I didn't care. I told Richard: 'If you ever treat anyone in this office like that again I will shove your teeth down your throat. Leave the personal shit at home or don't come in to work. And if it's me you're really pissed at, then let's go duke it out.' Everyone was in shock. They know we're close friends. I've never pulled Beta at the office before. I've never had to.

  “I let him go, and he didn't meet my eyes. He was still angry but back under control. Barely. He said 'I'm not pissed at you.' I asked him who, but he didn't answer. I told Isabel to call Matthew and arrange a session at the dojo today. She's the only other Wolf in the office. I said, 'Don't come back to work until you have yourself under control.' I've never seen him threaten a Human before. I already talked to Kathryn and Jason about it.” She finished her story with a shake of her head.

  “Wow.” The Richard I knew wouldn’t do that. “I thought it was just me.”

  “I don't know what's going on with him. Do you? I've never seen him act like this.”

  “He's afraid,” I told her. “He's afraid he's going to lose everything again, and he feels helpless to stop it. It's that simple.”

  That made sense to her. “What's the solution?”

  I thought for a long moment. “The human side of him needs to do something to protect the people he loves. I'm not sure about the wolf side. That's new, and I'm still learning.”

  “He needs to trust his Beta,” she growled. “And quit challenging me.”

  “That fits,” I thought out loud. “He's insecure about the safety of the entire pack because he doesn't think you'll protect the pack. Isn't that what dominance is about for Wolves?”

  “Yes. Security in strength. He really doesn't trust me, does he?” Her heart ached at the admission.

  “Before, his Beta killed his mate and most of his pack because of a Mage. History is repeating itself, or so he thinks. He needs to believe Kathryn and his pack are safe - safe because of you or safe from you.”

  “Safe from me. Shit. That’s the part I’ve been blind about. I've been so focused on protecting you that I wouldn't admit what this is like for him.” She bullied herself. “I should check in with Matthew.” She pulled out her phone and hit speed dial. “Hi. Did Richard calm down at all?” I couldn't hear the other side of the conversation, but by her response, I knew she didn't like the answer. “Do you know where he is?” Matthew replied. “I'll take care of it.” Billie hung up and shoved the phone into her pocket. She stood, stretching her muscles gracefully.