He stopped, glanced at Jamie, his eyes full of the steadfastness of his purpose.
She nodded. Though he might not be aware of it, he had the power to destroy her. But she acquiesced to his demands because she agreed with them.
Turning, hands in the pockets of his jeans, he continued pacing. "She's never to feel guilty for loving both of us."
He stopped then, shoulders hunched as he gazed into the dying embers of a fire long forgotten. Without will of her own, Jamie went to him, sliding her hand gently across the back of his neck, into his hair.
"She'll love you with all her heart, Kyle."
He said nothing, but the tension in his neck told her what she'd already known. He was worried Ashley wouldn't like him. Wouldn't want him.
She owed it to him to make certain that his advent into their daughter's life was everything he hoped it would be.
"She's still so young, her emotions so close to the surface." Jamie heard herself introducing their child to him and almost cried. "She wants her father so badly," she forced herself to continue. "She'll love you instantly, just because you're her dad."
It was all too evident that he didn't completely believe her, but she could sense she'd relieved him at least a little.
He pulled away from her and resumed his wearing down of her carpet. And her composure. ' 'We have to tell her I didn't know about her."
Which placed the blame squarely on her shoulders. Jamie hated this, hated what was happening
HER SECRET, HIS CHILD
between them, but she knew that his request was not only fair, it was necessary. Anything else would leave Ashley feeling he'd deserted her.
"We can't tell her the truth." Jamie was thinking out loud. She'd accepted all his demands thus far, and would continue to do so as long as she could. She owed him that. Maybe owed Ashley, too. But she wouldn't tell her daughter about the money—or the conclusions Jamie had drawn.
"She's only four." Kyle stopped pacing, faced Jamie. "We'll simply tell her we had a misunderstanding before we knew she was coming. That you didn't know where to find me."
Her gaze captive, Jamie held on to her composure with help from the strength she saw in his eyes. "Okay." She licked suddenly dry lips.
"We'll also tell her that I've been looking for you ever since."
That made him out to be a knight in shining armor. But it was also true.
"The problem is she'll think we're going to be a couple. She'll have us married and living together by tomorrow night."
"She'll think what we tell her to think," Kyle said, and then, for the first time that evening, he grinned. The grin was weak, definitely un-Kyle-like, but it was there.
"Until she's five or six, anyway," he added.
"We'll need to be very clear about our own relationship." Jamie was fighting for her daughter's emotional health now. "It would be cruel to raise false hopes."
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Kyle's eyes softened, speaking to her in the way she'd grown to need.
'"Are we clear about our relationship?" he asked.
Too confused to consider anything but co-parenting, Jamie nodded.
"When did that happen?"
Desperate, Jamie reminded him, "I robbed you of the first four years of your daughter's life."
He acknowledged the truth of her words with a nod.
"You hate me for that." The connection he kept talking about, the one that drew them inexplicably together, was as strong as ever.
"I admit I'm pretty angry with you."
"You'll never be able to forgive me." She didn't know which of the two of them she was warning.
"Never's a long time."
She was finding it harder and harder to breathe. "I think we need to stick to just being parents." She put the distance of the entire room between them. "At least for the next couple of years."
He followed her. "I can't agree to that."
Swinging around, she found him closer than she'd thought. But she refused to back away. Or to back down. "What's the point, Kyle? There's too much history between us. And if we hurt each other again, as we seem to keep doing, Ashley's going to be hurt, too."
Hands still in his pockets, he didn't back down, either. ' 'It's precisely because of the history between us that I can't accept a platonic relationship forever."
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Her heart lurched, her nerves fluttering with excitement. He still wanted her. She hadn't completely killed his affection.
"Our daughter is evidence of the bond between us. Whatever it is that binds us was so powerful it created Ashley. And then kept me looking for you for five long years. I can't turn my back on that, Jamie."
"I can't handle a physical relationship right now." She'd made that very clear to him the first time he'd called her after the explosive kiss they'd shared. The only kiss they'd shared this time around.
Tears burned the backs of her eyelids. She wanted to hope, to try to believe what he was telling her. But she had another secret. One she could never share. One that would always come between them…that wouldn't allow her to be a decent wife to a decent man.
And Kyle was the most decent man she'd ever met.
"Promise me that, aside from Ashley, we'll continue to explore this thing between us. We'll take it slowly, just as we've been doing," Kyle whispered. Pulling a hand free from his pocket, he reached out to her, brushing his fingers down the side of her cheek.
A lone tear followed his hand. He caught it, taking it to his lips.
"Promise me?"
Hating herself for her weakness, Jamie nodded.
Though he went home, Kyle didn't make it to bed that night. He knew he wouldn't sleep. Wasn't even
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tired. There were too many thoughts to think, too much emotion to assimilate. Aside from being a little angry, a bit sad, he was just too excited. As soon as daybreak arrived, he was going to meet his daughter.
He wondered if this was how Ashley felt on Christmas Eve awaiting Santa's arrival. He'd never had a visit from Santa Claus himself, but he was certain Ashley had. Four times already.
Next Christmas, he'd be her Santa.
He forced himself to wait until seven o'clock before he got in the shower. He took extra care shaving, not wanting to appear at all gruff to his sensitive four-year-old. Studying the thick hair that fell over his ears, he worried for a moment that she'd think he was some kind of bum and cursed himself for not paying more attention to scheduling his haircuts.
Next he slid on his glasses, but thought they might make him look too severe. Then he decided he had to wear them when he noticed how they lifted his hair above the tops of his ears. Besides, Santa wore glasses.
His closet was filled with jeans and shirts and corduroy jackets, a single suit, some shoes. Kyle considered the display with a frown. What kind of clothes would impress a four-year-old?
The suit beckoned him. And then not. He didn't want her thinking he was a doctor or lawyer or minister or something. A man in a dark suit might be intimidating to a young child. He reached for the
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usual, until he realized kids didn't usually want teachers showing up at their homes, either.
In the end, the jeans and jacket won out. But only because he remembered he had a Looney Toons tie he could wear with them. His students had given him the tie for Christmas one year and he'd yet to try it out. Now seemed like an appropriate time. Surely a little girl couldn't reject a guy with Tweetie on his chest.
Jogging out to his T-Bird, he realized that the long night had accomplished something besides ensuring that he was ready on time. He'd probably always hurt for the years he'd lost, but he couldn't stay angry with Jamie. Under the circumstances, he saw that what she'd done had been remarkable. Finding herself used, deserted, paid-off and pregnant, she'd taken what seemed to be a rotten situation and made a wonderful life. He hadn't meant any of it to happen, but it had. That was an unchangeable reality. A re
ality she'd coped with, made the best of.
He also believed that she was going to tell him the truth last night, just like she'd said. And he fully applauded the way she'd protected their daughter until she'd known she could trust him.
That hadn't been a seduction she'd tried to stage the night before. It had been a confession. Ashley had just beaten her to the punch.
Jamie had obviously been up a while, too, waiting for him. She flung open her front door before he'd even put his Thunderbird in park. It suddenly oc-
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curred to him that he was going to have to get a toddler seat.
Walking up to that door, Kyle felt like a giant, growing by the second. He was going to dwarf this family, this house. Scare his daughter to death. And then Jamie smiled at him, almost as though, in spite of her own tension, she knew exactly how he was feeling. He was in control again. For a second or two, anyway.
"You look beautiful," he told the mother of his child. He liked Jamie just the way the Good Lord had made her. The more natural the better.
She glanced away with an embarrassed shrug. "I'm wearing sweats and I don't have any makeup on."
"I'd noticed." He grinned at her. "Did you go to all this effort in my honor?"
"Ashley would have been suspicious if I'd done anything else. I always look like this in the morning."
Kyle figured that was something to look forward to. Someday. Maybe.
He stepped into the house slowly, immediately tense again, on guard.
"She's in the kitchen." Jamie led the way.
Kyle stopped, no longer sure this was the best plan. Maybe he should have let Jamie break the news to Ashley alone. After all, the child knew her mother.
"You said she's a morning person, right?" he whispered. He'd never been as scared of anything in his life as he was of this four-year-old child.
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"She's cheerful most of the time," Jamie whis pered back, grabbing his arm. "Now, come on, you're making me a nervous wreck."
Still, he hesitated. "Maybe we shouldn't tell her so soon." He couldn't believe he was saying this. Not after the night he'd just spent, anticipating this moment. He had to meet his daughter, if for no other reason than the fact that he'd need to sleep again… someday.
"So soon?" Jamie was no longer whispering. "You call four years soon?"
She was right. He was making a complete fool of himself. He had to get a grip. His daughter deserved better than a blithering idiot for a father.
"Mommy?" Ashley yelled from what Kyle presumed was the kitchen. "Who you talking to, Mommy? I want to talk, too."
"I'm surprised she hasn't already run out to investigate," Kyle said, thinking of the night before, the glimpse he'd had of his little dynamo.
"She's eating," Jamie explained.
Ah. A captive audience. Kyle didn't know if that was good news or bad. He just knew he had to get this over with. As he followed Jamie into the kitchen, he issued one last silent prayer that Ashley wouldn't be disappointed with the talking she got.
The nice man was back. Ashley smiled at him when he came into the room with Mommy. Just to see if he'd smile back. She couldn't remember for sure if he'd smiled at her before.
He did smile. Really big. And she knew then he
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hadn't smiled at her before or she would've remembered. She liked big smiles.
"Who's he?" she asked Mommy. He had a birthday month and he smiled and Mommy let him in their house, so he was good. Even if he did think she was only two. Two was baby, but maybe he didn't know that.
"My name's Kyle Radcliff."
The man answered instead of Mommy. Ashley giggled. He had a funny name. It reminded her of the story Mommy read her about the doggie that saved a kitten from falling down down down a cliff.
"Ash?"
Mommy sat down at the table.
"You remember when you were asking me about your daddy?"
Mommy's eyes were all serious. They scared Ashley so much she could hardly concentrate on Mommy's words.
Mommy was watching her, not talking anymore, so Ashley nodded.
"Well, he found us, sweetie."
Mommy's mouth started to move funny, in kind of a wobbly way.
"Your daddy found us."
Ashley stared at Mommy's lips for long enough that she wasn't sure what words Mommy had said.
So when Mommy started to talk again Ashley listened carefully.
"Your daddy found us, honey."
Her daddy! "Daddy!" she hollered, jumping up
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till she almost fell out of her chair. She'd known her daddy would come someday. She'd known it!
The nice man moved closer to the table. Ashley was so happy she wanted him to be happy, too. "You know my daddy?" she asked him.
He came right up to Ashley's chair and bent way down until he was shorter than she was. "I'm your daddy, Ashley," he said, so soft she didn't think she'd heard all his words, either. Besides, she was too busy looking at the picture of herself in his glasses. She hoped her daddy had good glasses like that.
"Did you hear me, sweetie?" he asked her, his eyebrows coming together.
Hoping he wasn't going to be mad, Ashley did what Mommy always said was right. She told the truth. Shaking her head, she whispered, "No."
"I said I am your daddy."
Ashley froze. Her whole body felt like wiggling and she had to go potty really bad and she was afraid if she made a noise the nice man would disappear, just like in her dreams when her daddy came. She stared at him and stared at him and he didn't go away. He smiled, instead.
"You…you're my daddy?" she finally got brave enough to ask, but then covered her ears really quick in case he changed his mind.
It didn't matter that she couldn't hear him. He nodded yes.
Ashley wanted him to hug her up really big, just like Kayla's daddy did when he came home. She'd just known that when God finally heard her and
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brought her a daddy, he'd hug her up big like that. But he didn't, and that made her afraid.
' 'Do you love me like Kayla''s daddy loves her?''
Daddy's eyes got really big and Ashley felt all better inside.
"Oh, yes, sweetheart. Maybe even more."
Of course more, Ashley thought. Just like God gave her the best mommy, He'd given her the best daddy, too. She just knew it.
And because he was a new daddy and maybe didn't know all about it yet, Ashley wrapped her arms around his big old neck to teach him what daddies did. He was really smart, because he picked her right up and squeezed her so tight she just about couldn't breathe.
Ashley was so excited she did a horrible, horrible thing. She wet her pants. And started to cry.
Daddy didn't get mad, though. He just hugged her more. And then helped her play with the queen and king and their boat the whole time Ashley was in her bath getting cleaned. He made up the best stories Ashley had ever heard.
She listened to every word, except when she took a time-out to thank God for hearing her and sending such a good daddy. Even if it took Him a while.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Karen was so envious she wanted to die. Yet she couldn't help smiling every time she thought of Jamie's good fortune. She'd been a little hurt that Jamie hadn't told her right away that the new English professor was Ashley's father, but she understood, too. Kyle Radcliff had the right to know first.
And now they were living a fairy-tale ending. One Karen couldn't even hope to emulate. She still hadn't told Dennis about the baby. He probably just thought she was getting fat, becoming a dull, frumpy housewife. For all she knew, he could already be falling out of love with her. And how could she blame him? What did she have that could possibly hold him?
Holding her man was not a problem Jamie would ever experience. Not only was Kyle obviously besotted with her, she was beautiful, smart, successful. She was a fantastic mothe
r, a loyal friend.
The only thing Jamie had in common with Karen these days, besides their daughters, was something Karen couldn't figure out. Jamie wasn't happy. As a matter of fact, there were times Karen would swear that Jamie needed a friend even more than she did.
Which made no sense at all.
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Spring was teasing Larkspur Grove. March brought days that began with tantalizing sunshine and warmth, to be followed only hours later by a severe snowstorm. Three times that month Jamie sent Ashley to school wearing only a sweater and had to pack her winter coat in the car to bring her home.
The weather seemed to reflect her relationship with Kyle. Though, in all honesty, she had to admit the fault was hers. She was as inconsistent as the month of March, wanting to believe that what she'd once been didn't matter, that the woman she'd become was the only woman Kyle needed to know about. And acknowledging, the next instant, that she was, by omission, lying to him. Acknowledging, too, that a relationship built on lies would never survive.
She couldn't blame him for getting a little impatient with her, a little frustrated with the mixed messages she was sending. But neither could she quit sending them. She was in an untenable situation. For Ashley's sake and in fairness to Kyle, she had to facilitate meetings between them, all the while knowing their easy contentment existed on borrowed time.
They played the happy family so often during the weeks following that Friday night Jamie occasionally found herself believing the fantasy they were creating. They ate together a couple of evenings a week, went to movies, played in the park, visited the ice-cream shop, even went grocery-shopping
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once when Kyle stopped by as Jamie and Ashley were on their way to do that weekly chore.
There'd been a bit of gossip about town when word got out that Ashley's father wasn't dead after all. But Kyle covered up any awkwardness with his five-long-years-of-searching story—and a refusal to answer any other questions. Even Dean Patterson was left to draw his own conclusions. None of which seemed to hurt the way any of Jamie's acquaintances felt about her. She'd been prepared for cold shoulders and averted eyes, but none of them treated her any differently. Except maybe to smile at her more. Everyone liked being in on the happy ending.
Her Secret, His Child: A Little Secret Page 13