Her Secret, His Child: A Little Secret

by Tara Taylor Quinn

  Ashley was acting like a little imp these days, exploring her boundaries with her daddy, seeing what rules she could circumvent with him as an ally. And soon discovered that she couldn't get around any of them. In fact, the more time they spent with Kyle, the more rules tended to appear.

  As Jamie had known he'd be, Kyle was a wonderful daddy, warm and loving, yet firm. Ashley adored him.

  When she let herself, Ashley's mother adored him, too.

  Spring break came the third week in March. Kyle had really pushed for a family vacation, four days in the mountains, and though she knew the forced intimacy would be dangerous, Jamie had finally let him talk her into it. He was so excited about the idea, so anxious to get away someplace where no one knew anything about them, she hadn't had the heart to turn him down.

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  But as they drove up into the mountains north of Denver, to the resort where Kyle had made reservations, Jamie couldn't help wondering if this break was going to become a breakup, too.

  Kyle had told her that morning when he'd picked them up that he'd reserved a one-bedroom suite for the three of them. She'd been on edge ever since. Was he telling her that he was done waiting? That her hands-off policy was no longer in effect?

  Not even for Kyle could she take pretending any further than they'd already taken it. She wasn't his wife. With her past, she wasn't ever going to be. And she wasn't going to sleep with him as if she were.

  "You cold?" he asked, adjusting the T-Bird's thermostat.

  "I'm fine." Jamie shook her head. The cold she was feeling came from inside—nothing a thermostat was going to help.

  Kyle glanced in his rearview mirror, grinning at Ashley hunched over the padded safety bar of her new booster seat. "She always sleep like that in the car?"

  After a quick peek, Jamie smiled, too. ' 'Any time we drive more than twenty minutes."

  ' 'Is she a grouch when you wake her up?''

  Watching her daughter, Jamie shrugged. "Sometimes. Not usually."

  "Must be rough when you have to go into Denver."

  Denver wasn't a trip Jamie made often. She liked the suburbs. "Actually, it was a blessing when she

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  was little," she told him, eager to share—as had become habit whenever they were together now— everything he'd missed in the first four years of Ashley's life. "She was colicky for a while and when nothing I tried seemed to calm her down, I'd take her out for a drive. That always did the trick."

  "Where'd you go?"

  "Anywhere, nowhere, around in circles."

  "That's what I'd call dedication."

  "You telling me you wouldn't have done the same?"

  "No." He glanced into the back seat again. "I'd have done it."

  Jamie smiled at him. "I thought so."

  "You said she was colicky. Did you breast-feed her?" He looked over at her and Jamie heated up instantly. She'd never forget how enamored he'd been of her breasts that long-ago night, the loving attention he'd given them.

  "I did."

  "For how long?"

  "Almost eighteen months."

  Kyle whistled. "That's a long time." He peered back at Ashley, as if there'd be some visible consequence of having nursed so long.

  "Actually, my pediatrician said that the longer she breast-fed, the healthier she'd be," Jamie reported. ' 'He said it was best, emotionally and physically, for Ashley to wean herself. And that she'd do it when she was ready."

  ' 'Did she?'' He looked over intently, soaking up, as always, every tidbit she gave him.

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  ' 'Yes, and what he said about its being better for her health must have been right, too. Ashley's never even had an ear infection."

  They were on the highway, traveling a desolate piece of land, a few road signs their only companions. Kyle glanced at Jamie again, that particular light in his eyes.

  "How'd it feel?" he asked. "Nursing her?"

  Jamie supposed she should've been embarrassed at the intimate question, but she wasn't. "Incredible, weird, wonderful," she said, remembering those first few times she'd held her daughter to her breast. The experience was incomparable.

  "Did it hurt?"

  "Only after she started getting teeth." Jamie's nipples tightened. She was glad of the bulky sweater she'd pulled on over her jeans that morning, hoping the faded beige garment hid her reaction.

  "She bit you?"

  "Once or twice." Jamie grinned at his horrified expression. "She quickly learned that if she tried to chew, she didn't get her dinner."

  "Well, I should think so."

  The rest of the trip passed uneventfully. Kyle was full of questions Jamie was happy to answer—all concerning the child they shared. Kyle was a mother's delight, someone to brag to who wanted to listen. Someone else who thought the child was the greatest kid ever to grace the earth.

  Once she awakened, Ashley was her usual cheerful self. She wanted to choose her own order when

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  Kyle pulled into a drive-through at a fast-food hamburger place about half an hour from the resort.

  "An' I'll have a chocolate shake, okay, Daddy?" she asked, ignoring her mother.

  ' 'Does your mother let you have chocolate shakes for lunch, Ash?" Kyle asked, meeting his daughter's gaze in the mirror.

  "Uh-uh." Ashley shook her head.

  "Then I guess it'll be milk, eh, squirt?"

  "Okay, but can't I have some cookies for dessert?" The little girl grinned at her father. "Please, Daddy?"

  Looking over at Jamie, catching her nod, Kyle ordered the cookies.

  Though they'd dropped their bags in the suite when they first arrived, they were so busy they didn't even unpack. Ashley dragged them all over the resort, insisting on trying every game in the game room, walking the trails, eating at the restaurant that opened out over the canyon. She even talked Kyle into renting her a pair of baby skis and agreeing to her first ski lesson. Kyle and Jamie clutched each other's hands, holding their breath every time Ashley fell during the half-hour lesson. Ashley fell a lot. And had a ball.

  "That was the best ever, Mommy," the little girl claimed, slouched against her daddy's shoulder as they rode upstairs in the elevator later. "When I get big at it, I can fly right down the mountain!" Kyle and Jamie exchanged a delighted grin.

  It was hard to say who was more exhausted as

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  Kyle unlocked the door of their suite. Unfortunately, however, Jamie wasn't too exhausted to be nervous. She brought her night things into the bathroom when she took Ashley in to wash her up. She'd brought a pair of sweats and a T-shirt to sleep in—nothing like the shorty pajamas she slept in at home—and padded out behind Ashley, climbing into one of the two double beds beside her daughter.

  Kyle glanced pointedly at the beds when he came in from the living room a few moments later, but other than a raised brow, he seemed to have no other reaction to the silent statement she'd made.

  In spite of the things that had changed over the past weeks, the rules remained the same. There was to be no sex between them.

  Probably because of the full days she'd spent, Ashley fell asleep by six o'clock their last night at the resort as they were having hot chocolate in the dining room. Jamie racked her brains trying to think of something they could do while she held a sleeping child in her arms, but knew she had to follow Kyle up to the suite whether she liked the idea or not. Ashley didn't need to be in her arms. She needed to be in bed.

  The only problem was, Jamie and Kyle needed to be as far away from bed as possible. Sharing a bathroom with Kyle, stepping into a shower that was still wet from his having stood there before her, seeing his razor on the counter beside her makeup, his toothbrush lined up with hers, his damp towels

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  hanging beside her own—it all made her have thoughts she had no business having.

  Thoughts she knew he was having, too.

&
nbsp; "I've ordered up dinner," he told her as she shut the bedroom door quietly behind her. ' 'Prime rib for two and a bottle of wine." He was sitting in the middle of the couch. Which left her the armchair across from him or one of the two cushions on either side of him.

  "How about a game of cards?" She chose the chair.

  ' 'How about you sitting over here with me?''

  "You don't want to play cards?" She wished she had that glass of wine already. She needed to relax.

  "Not especially."

  "We could watch a movie. They've got some good selections."

  "I've seen them all." His gaze was pinning her to the chair, and she could feel it penetrating her blouse. Moving. Touching.

  She wet her lips. "How long till dinner?"

  "An hour."

  She thought she heard Ashley in the other room and jumped up to check. The little girl was sleeping soundly.

  She turned from the bedroom door and ran smack into Kyle. She hadn't heard him come up behind her.

  His arms were around her instantly, steadying her. But it was only seconds before they were roaming. Before she was melting into him. And all thought was lost.

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  She wasn't even sure whose lips took whose, who led and who followed. She just knew that Kyle's kisses were like a drug she couldn't do without. She was addicted to the incredible feeling only he could arouse, the tension, the delicious excitement. And oddly enough, the security. He made her feel cherished. Cared for.

  He made her feel like she'd never felt before in her life.

  She welcomed the touch of his hands, eagerly explored his strong, hard body. He slid one hand beneath her sweater, touching the bare skin at her waist.

  And scaring her to death. Remembering the other time Kyle had undressed her, the wantonness he'd aroused, her complete loss of control, she panicked.

  A picture of Ashley popped into her mind, the little girl sleeping so innocently in the next room. She thought of the life she'd made for herself, and started to gasp for breath. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be that woman again.

  "No." She pushed Kyle away. And prepared herself for his anger.

  The physical longing was intense those first few seconds. It took all of Kyle's control to ride the waves of unsatisfied desire. And then his mind cleared enough for him to think. Or try to.

  ' 'What happened?'' He was drawing a blank here.

  Jamie turned away from him, standing by the couch with her back to the room. "I'm sorry."

  "For what?"

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  Things had been going along so well. She'd even started the whole thing and he was sure she'd been enjoying the kiss as much as he had. What had he done wrong?

  When he asked, she answered his question with a shrug, looking small and alone as she huddled in on herself. He wanted to go to her, but not knowing what had upset her, he didn't dare get close. Instead, he stood there, waiting.

  "I don't blame you for being angry," she finally said.

  Taking off his glasses, Kyle rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Okay, that's good to know," he said. "Now, do you mind telling me what I'm angry about?"

  Jamie turned, glanced at him hesitantly, then sank on one arm of the couch. ' 'You know—'' she gestured between them. "That—stopping—wasn't very… nice."

  "I'd hoped there was a lot more than 'nice' going on between us." Kyle moved over to her slowly, took her hand, led her to a seat beside him on the couch. "I think it's time we talked, don't you?"

  Her gaze flew to his, her eyes filled with fear. Kyle bit back a groan of frustration. What had he done to bring that look to her face?

  In that instant, another, horrifying, thought occurred to him. Could her reaction be something unrelated to him altogether? Had someone forced her—

  ' 'Talk about what?'' Her voice sounded strained.

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  "About why you don't want to share any kind of physical intimacy."

  She'd been wearing jeans and sweaters all week. Today's jeans were black, the sweater a striking shade of gray that matched her eyes almost perfectly. He'd been fantasizing about getting his hands under that sweater the entire day. He almost wished he hadn't tried.

  "We need to talk about it, Jamie," he said gently when she remained silent and still beside him.

  "I…can't."

  He hoped his suspicion was completely ludicrous. "I'll help you, honey, but we have to get this out."

  Again she answered him silently, this time with an adamant shake of her head.

  Dropping his glasses on the coffee table, Kyle continued to hold her hand. His mind continued to process possibilities—all of them untenable.

  ' 'Did something happen to you after I knew you five years ago?'' he asked carefully. ' 'Something to make you afraid of sexual relationships?" He strained to keep his voice calm as he asked the question; he could do nothing to control the churning inside him.

  "No."

  Thank God. He almost fainted with relief.

  ' 'Then does it have anything to do with that time we were together?''

  She didn't respond. Just sat there. He took that for a yes. Okay, so he'd narrowed down the problem. It was him.

  "Because we slept together the first night we

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  met?" He'd known all along he'd made a mistake there.

  "Sort of." Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

  He'd do whatever was necessary to take that trapped, frightened expression off her face. Except walk away. He just didn't believe that was the answer. For any of them.

  "But we've done it right this time, Jamie." He couldn't undo the past; he could only spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to her. "We've taken the time to get to know each other, to be sure that what we feel is more than passing lust."

  She nodded agreement. But the haunted look in her eyes hadn't dimmed.

  Kyle could feel the promise of their future slipping away and didn't know how to hang on, what to grab hold of. "Can you tell me what you're feeling?"

  She laughed bitterly. "Like I'd give anything for a little dose of self-respect."

  Stabbed by her words, Kyle had nothing to say. He'd been an idiot not to realize the far-reaching consequences of what he'd done that night. How humiliating Jamie must have found those ensuing months, pregnant, unmarried, alone. Thinking that he'd used her and then cavalierly paid for the privilege.

  "I'm sorry isn't enough," he told her. He didn't know what was, but honesty was all he had. ' 'What I did five years ago, making love to you, it wasn't premeditated. I wasn't using you, Jamie. Or if I was,

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  I didn't do it on purpose." He stopped, remembering. "I—I thought we were starting a relationship."

  He couldn't tolerate her silence. "I'd never have touched you if I'd realized I was stripping you of your self-respect."

  '"You didn't do that, Kyle." Her words were hard, uttered in a voice he hardly recognized. "I did."

  "No." He knew the kind of woman who destroyed her own self-respect. Jamie wasn't that kind of woman. "I took advantage of the situation."

  "And I enjoyed it."

  Although he wished she sounded a little happier about that, Kyle's heart still gave a pleased little lift. He'd begun to think he was the only one with incredible memories of their night together. Memories that meant nothing if she didn't share them.

  So he'd just have to help her see that night as it had been. And he knew right where to start. By telling her what she wasn't. What their lovemaking wasn't. He was an authority on both.

  "You remember my telling you about my mother?''

  Jamie nodded, giving his hand a little squeeze. "She'd just died. And you hated yourself for not being able to love her."

  Kyle nodded, bile rising in his throat as the memories overwhelmed him. He'd never told her exactly why he hated his mother. He'd never told anyone…

  "My first experience with sex
…" He paused, wondering if he really wanted to do this. ' 'I walked in on my mother—stark naked on my bed—with two men doing her."

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  He couldn't look at Jamie. Couldn't stand to see the horror—or the pity—in her eyes. Couldn't stand the fact that he'd come from such a woman. That he might very well be the product of an act like the one he'd just described.

  The hand in his tightened, offering compassion.

  "I was seven years old."

  Jamie swore softly. Was silent. Then swore again.

  Kyle's feelings exactly.

  "Did she know you were there?"

  Kyle shook his head. As far as he was aware, she'd never known. "Guess she was having too damn much fun."

  "Did she look like she was having fun?"

  It was Kyle's turn to swear. "How the hell should I know?" he asked, staring at her. "I was just a kid."

  She hung her head. "Sorry."

  "Besides," he continued, wishing he'd never started, "she would hardly have invited them in if she hadn't been planning to have fun, now would she?"

  "Maybe."

  Kyle frowned. "Whose side are you on?"

  Jamie let go of his hand. "I didn't know there were sides here," she told him. "I just wonder if maybe she was being paid for what she was doing."

  "Of course she was being paid." There. He'd admitted the rest. The piece de resistance. The most damning part of all.

  How could Jamie help but be disgusted by him? The son of a whore?

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  "So maybe she was providing for you in the only way she knew how."

  With no idea how this conversation had gotten so out of hand, he wanted it over.

  "She was a two-bit whore, Jamie. Don't make her out to be some kind of saint."

  "But you told me the night she died that she loved you, that when she was around, she was good to you."

  "You call humping two guys in my bed being good to me?"

  "I call it very sad," Jamie said softly. "And maybe a little desperate."

  Uncomfortable with her assessment, Kyle stood up. "The point I'm trying to make here is that women like my mother sell their self-respect. They deserve to live in the hell of their own making. You don't.

  "What you and I shared five years ago was the furthest cry from the carnal degradation that robs women of their self-respect. It wasn't dirty. Or wrong."