At least the cool air brought relief to his heated skin. Earlier he'd been freezing. Now he was burning up.
He must be coming down with something.
Except that he never got sick. Didn't have the time for it. Or the patience, either. Besides, he didn't
HER SECRET, HIS CHILD
want to be sick. He couldn't see Ashley if he was sick, couldn't risk giving her a virus.
Not that he really had any worries on that score. He was perfectly healthy and he knew it.
Kyle stared up at the stars for a while, trying to remember a single constellation from his college astronomy class.
And remembered, instead, the shine of tears in Jamie's eyes earlier that night. No matter how disgusted he was by what she'd told him, what she was, he had to admire the way she'd come right out and confessed her terrible secret. She'd made no excuses for herself. Asked for no mercy.
That was his Jamie.
Thinking of her standing there at her fireplace, hands at her sides, bravery in every sinew of her body as she faced her one-man firing squad, Kyle felt his throat tighten up. The stars above him blurred and, blinking, he looked out into the darkness beyond the town.
The first tear was dripping off his chin before he finally acknowledged what was happening. And then he gave up, gave in and let them fall. The world was such a damn sad place to live.
He thought of Jamie's little room, felt honored that she'd shared it with him and sick to think of her hiding from her life in that make-believe place.
Kyle stood at the window until dawn was breaking, trying to make sense of it all. He couldn't turn his back on his daughter—or her mother. Neither could he tolerate the thought that Jamie had made a career out of bedding men. He'd grown up living
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with a woman who'd allowed strangers to touch her, to have sex with her for money. And he felt sick to his stomach just thinking about the fact that his own child had a mother who'd done the same.
But he couldn't stand the prospect of life without Jamie. He'd never felt as good, as valuable, as he did when he was with her.
He had no idea at all where that left him.
Finally, crawling into bed a couple of hours before he was due in class, Kyle drifted off with one last thought.
First thing in the morning he had to call his lawyer. He needed to find out how to get custodial rights. If anything ever happened to Jamie, he didn't want any doubts about who this child's father was.
On the first day of April, Ashley rushed outside the minute she saw Daddy's car pull into the driveway. She'd been waiting for him ever since she got home from school.
"Daddy!" she yelled as loud as she could. "Daddy!"
As soon as he got out of his car, he caught her in a big hug, just like he was supposed to.
"What's up, squirt?" he asked her. "Is Kayla here yet?"
"Nope." Ashley was double happy. She had her plan for Daddy, and Kayla was going to the movies with her and spending the night.
Daddy rubbed his sharp face against her neck.
"Don't!" she squealed. "That tickles."
HER SECRET, HIS CHILD
Daddy laughed, kept rubbing her neck with his cheek.
"I'll wet my pants!" she cried.
Daddy stopped really fast. He was always afraid Ashley was going to wet her pants, even though she didn't do that anymore.
"Guess what, Daddy?" she asked, exactly the way she'd practiced to herself as soon as she'd gotten her idea.
"What?" He was carrying her up the walk and she was going to have to talk really fast before Mommy could hear.
"Mommy's got a date with a other man," Ashley said, making herself sound as serious as if she was saying an answer to Miss Peters in school. Now Daddy would hurry up and marry Mommy, so some other man wouldn't take her far away and try to be Ashley's daddy, too.
Daddy stopped walking, which was good, but he was staring at Ashley like he might throw up, so she didn't feel happy anymore. "You're sure about that?" he asked in a very Daddy voice.
"April's fool!" she called. But the trick didn't seem good anymore.
He was a fool all right. A damn fool. In that split second when he believed he'd lost Jamie, he'd felt as though he were dying. And his death would have been no one's fault but his own.
Hoisting Ashley a little higher in his arms, he forced himself to smile at her joke. It was difficult.
For an intelligent man, he was really pretty stupid.
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He'd spent the last four days holding Jamie at arm's length when he should have been trying to hold her close, instead. How could he ever hope to salvage anything from this mess if he didn't try?
He still didn't have any answers—only an inkling that he shouldn't be searching for them alone. Unless that was how he wanted to end up. Alone.
"Daddy, I think Mommy's feeling sad. Could you help make her better?" Ashley pulled on his collar.
"What's wrong with her?" he asked quietly.
"Her smile isn't working so good."
Out of the mouths of babes… ' 'And you think I can fix that?"
Ashley nodded. "Daddies can fix things. Kayla says so."
"Then I'll try my best. Okay?" he asked the child. His four-year-old was clearly smarter than her degree-totin' father.
"That's good, Daddy."
Chuckling, Kyle set Ashley on her feet inside the front door. He could smell dinner cooking—the savory aroma of wonderful things he couldn't identify. "Where is Mommy?" he asked his precocious daughter.
"Right here." Jamie came from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel, and Kyle's day suddenly seemed that much brighter.
Early Saturday morning, so early Ashley and Kayla were still in bed, Karen came knocking at Jamie's back door.
HER SECRET, HIS CHILD
"I saw your kitchen light come on," she said as soon as Jamie had let her in.
"We're driving into Denver today. Kyle's going to be here soon." Jamie smiled as she noticed her friend's glowing eyes.
"What's so funny?" Karen asked, her brows drawn together. "You've seen me in my robe before."
"You look happy."
Karen's face broke into a wide smile, too, as she nodded.
"You told Dennis about the baby when he got home last night."
"Yep."
"And?"
The two women moved in unison to tend to the coffee Jamie had already started. Each with a steaming cup in hand, they stood leaning against opposite counters. Grinning like adolescents.
"Can you believe it?" Karen asked, taking a quick sip. "The idiot's been hoping for another baby for over a year. He just didn't want to pressure me."
"I can believe it."
The other woman looked down, blushing. "He says he loves my body like this."
"I knew he would." Jamie nodded, still grinning. All was well with her vicarious family again.
"And the only reason he quit praising my cooking and stuff around the house was that he thought his praise was upsetting me."
Jamie took a sip of coffee. ' 'Was it?''
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"Yeah." Karen nodded. "I thought he was humoring me."
"He loves you too much to do that."
"I know." To Jamie's amazement, and delight, Karen blushed again. Her friends must have had some night together.
"He made me feel a lot better about things," Karen confessed, taking another sip of coffee. "About myself. He thinks the crafts I do are great, said he couldn't learn to do them if he had years of lessons."
"I don't doubt it. After all, I saw him try to repair that lawn furniture last summer. You had to throw it out."
Karen laughed delightedly, then ran some potential baby names by Jamie, laughing again as she reported some of Dennis's more obscure suggestions.
"Cornelius?" Jamie repeated the last one. "Was he serious?"
"Yeah, and I can just imagine what the kid's nickname would be."
"
Corny?" Jamie guessed, laughing. "Obviously, naming that baby is something we'll have to do when Dennis is out of town."
"Then it'll have to be quick," Karen set her nearly empty cup on the counter. "He's putting in for a job he's just been offered at the head office in Denver. Says he wants to be home for doctor visits and midnight feedings this time around."
"That's wonderful!" Jamie set her own cup down and gave Karen a big hug. And felt only a little
HER SECRET, HIS CHILD
jealous that life was working out so perfectly for her best friend.
With his resolution of the night before still in mind, Kyle collected Jamie and Ashley just after Kayla had left early Saturday morning. Jamie had suggested a family outing and in spite of the hour, she was all ready for their trip into Denver to attend the Family Fun Festival. She was wearing a lovely off-white pant suit, slacks with a long tunic jacket that belted at the waist. He felt a little underdressed in his black jeans and yellow oxford shirt.
Having had no idea what a Family Fun Festival entailed, Kyle was rather impressed with the more than three hundred booths set up, row upon row, in a large park somewhere in Denver. He'd never been to the area before, wasn't sure he'd be able to make it back there without Jamie's directions, but he liked what he saw.
' 'Let's go there!'' Ashley cried, pointing at some colorful balloons before he'd even parked the T-Bird.
"We'll see it all, honey, as long as you can hold up," Jamie told the child.
Kyle finally found a place and parallel-parked in one try. He wondered if his ladies were impressed with his driving prowess.
"I wanna have my face painted!" Ashley announced.
Jamie turned around and grinned at her daughter. "How do you know they even have face-painting here?"
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Ashley pointed out the rear of the car. "'Cause that little boy has his face painted."
Okay, so driving wasn't big with them. Never mind. "Can daddies have their faces painted, too?" he asked.
"Yeah!" Ashley hollered at the same time he heard Jamie say, ' 'Not if they want to walk beside mommies."
As Ashley was about to dart off to six different booths at once, Jamie suggested they start at the beginning and try to work their way around the whole park. Kyle liked that idea best. With Ashley bouncing up and down at his feet, he paid the small fee for the three of them to enter the park, then followed his two festival experts inside.
"Look, Daddy," Ashley said, grabbing his hand. "There's a emergency man. Mommy told me about them. Wanna know what she said?"
"Sure."
She tugged on his hand in her hurry to share with him. "Their telephone number's 911 and you can call it if you're in trouble."
Intercepting a glance from Jamie, Kyle smiled at her.
It soon became apparent that not only did Ashley know about the fun to be had at the festival, she knew about all the hazards she was to watch out for, which games she was allowed to play, even which foods weren't so good for her. And she lectured Kyle on every one.
"You don't ever talk to strange people, Daddy."
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she said solemnly at one point. '' 'Specially if they got candy."
Jamie was buying a handmade magnet at the time, and watching her, Kyle couldn't help remembering the night he'd talked to a stranger. A woman he'd never met but felt he'd always known. When he'd approached Jamie, it was the first and only time he'd approached a woman cold. And in spite of everything, he wasn't sorry he'd done that.
After a full day of fun, one daisy face painting and more food than a four-year-old should've been able to consume, Ashley finally fell asleep in the back of the T-Bird. Jamie used the trip home to fill Kyle in on the latest with Karen and Dennis. She still got a happy little thrill whenever she thought about her friends.
Kyle carried Ashley into the house and straight into bed as soon as they got home.
"Shouldn't she have a bath or something?" he asked Jamie. ' 'At least wash that stuff off her face?''
Shaking her head, Jamie led the way out of the little girl's room and into the kitchen. "I can wash her sheets in the morning a lot more easily than we'd get her into a bath tonight. She's exhausted and she'd only cry if we woke her."
She got out the makings for a pot of coffee. Got out a liquor bottle, too. She wasn't ready for him to leave. "Would you like an Irish coffee?"
"Sounds good." Kyle leaned against the counter. "I'd like to talk for a few minutes, if you're not too tired."
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After a week of polite, meaningless conversations, the day's warmth had been a welcome change. But now she was afraid of what he might want to say.
"I'm fine." She tried to appear busy waiting for the coffee to drip. Anything to avoid looking at him. Though he'd been at the house every day that week, she'd missed him more than she'd ever thought possible. She'd come to depend on his friendship, his constant affection. She hated seeing the stranger's mask come over his face. Was too tired to pretend it didn't hurt.
She couldn't bear to have another session with him in her living room, so she took the coffee to the kitchen table and sat down. Kyle pulled out the seat she'd begun to think of as his.
"This past week's been hell," he said, placing his arms on the table on either side of his cup.
Jamie lifted her drink. "Can't argue with you there." She took a swig, needing the drugging bite of liquor, the surge of sweetness, and burned her lip.
Her hair a curtain around her face, she continued to hide from him.
"I've done a lot of thinking this week," he said.
"I suspect that's an understatement."
His only acknowledgment was a bowed head. ' 'I can see where a desperate person might make some desperate choices."
She could tell what the admission cost him. And she heard the "but" in his voice. She wasn't strong enough for that. Not yet. Give her a year or two, a lifetime or two, to get over him first.
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"I want to go back, Jamie, to be who we were before last week."
"And who were those people?"
Cradling his cup in his hands, he shook his head. "Friends, maybe?"
"Is it possible to go back?"
"Probably not."
"So what is it you do want—now, today—if we can't go back?"
He glanced up at her, his eyes looking straight into hers, connecting. Finally. ' 'I want to bring what we had into the present, the future, to move forward together."
If he didn't get to the bad part soon, she was going to fall apart right here on her kitchen table. "I'm not against that."
' "The only thing is—'' He broke off, and his gaze broke away, too. He still hadn't taken a single sip of his coffee.
Jamie's was almost gone.
"Your past…"
She ran her finger around the rim of her cup.
' 'When I think of you taking off your clothes for those men," he blurted. "It bothers the hell out of me. I hate it."
Tears in her eyes, she looked at him. "Then that's just something else we have in common. I hate it, too."
"I can't promise it won't get the best of me someday."
Jamie nodded. "I understand."
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"It's not fair to ask you to risk your heart on that."
"Life's not fair, Kyle."
Her cup was empty. She was tempted to reach for his.
"You're right," he said, "life's not fair. You know—" he slid his cup across to her, getting up to help himself to a shot of whiskey minus the coffee and cream "—I've been thinking about something you said last week." He came back to the table, sat down. "You were talking about your secret room."
She stared down, humiliated he knew about that. She'd been wishing all week that she'd kept that piece of information to herself. It made her sound so…weak. Weird.
"You said you'd been going there since you were a little girl."
So he'd caug
ht that. Damn.
"Why, Jamie? What was happening in your life that you had to go there?"
She just couldn't tell him. Couldn't let him get that close. Not until he'd found a way to accept what she'd been, regardless of why she'd been that way.
"I just had a stepfather I didn't like."
His eyes were piercing as she tried to meet his gaze. "Why didn't you like him?"
She wasn't lying as she answered him. She gave him the truth the way everyone had seen it then. "Because I was jealous. Before he came along, it had just been my mother and me. I even slept in her bed with her. Once John was there, I had to sleep alone, had to share the rest of my mother's time."
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"So you went to your 'room.'"
Jamie nodded. The rest just hung there, unsaid.
"Desperate people do desperate things," he said, almost to himself as he sipped at the small amount of amber liquid in his glass. "When did you start feeling desperate?"
She shrugged. "I couldn't name a particular time." She could name several of them.
"What made you desperate?"
Jamie wanted so badly to tell him the whole sordid story. But she couldn't give him that much of herself. She wasn't ready…
She had to be sure he was in for the long haul first.
"No one thing," she said, shrugging.
After finishing off the liquor, Kyle set the glass down hard. "I'm trying to understand here, Jamie. Because understanding brings forgiveness."
"Understanding doesn't change the facts," she told him, somehow finding the strength to look him in the eye. "And I don't need your forgiveness, Kyle. I need your acceptance."
For a long moment he stared across at her. And he nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"So we're friends—and heading beyond friendship?" He grinned at her.
Jamie nodded. And smiled. The first real smile she'd felt that week. She held no firm hope for the future, but she'd learned a long time ago to take life one small step at a time.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Brad didn't show up for tutoring the first Monday in April. His coach did.
Her Secret, His Child: A Little Secret Page 18