by Ann Bryant
I suddenly realized the others would be waiting at the entrance to the changing room, so I plucked up the courage to go back through to the shop so they could see me in the dress. I’ve only ever done that once. It was before Mum and Dad split up. Mum had come into the changing room with me, but Dad was waiting to see what I looked like too, so I’d stood at the entrance to the changing room, feeling lots of pairs of eyes on me, which was really embarrassing, especially as Dad kept nodding and saying I looked smashing.
Creeping out of the cubicle now made me feel a bit shivery, mainly because I could only see Antonia waiting for me. I looked round for Izzy and Sasha, but they were nowhere to be seen. I wasn’t sure what to do then, so I just stood there while Antonia regarded me. She frowned as she looked me up and down, but she didn’t speak and I found it unbearable because I sensed other people were staring at me too. I couldn’t stand there another second, so I scuttled back into the changing room. Perhaps I didn’t look very nice after all. Antonia obviously didn’t think so, otherwise she would have said something. I changed back into my jeans and top and handed the dress to a shop assistant who’d suddenly appeared. Then Sasha and Izzy fell on me.
“We didn’t see you!”
“Why didn’t you wait for us?”
“Didn’t you like it enough?”
I shrugged. “I’m…not really sure.”
And Antonia walked alongside, silently as usual, until we’d left the shop. Then she asked, “Where shall we go now?”
Straight across the road was a charity shop. I looked at it longingly. Mum and I often went into charity shops at home and occasionally we found something that happened to be exactly right for me or Clare or Clemmie. There was no way I was going to suggest going into this one, though, except that at that very moment we saw a girl called Sophie from Elmhurst walking out of the shop with a sparkly brooch that she was pinning on her jacket.
“Look what Sophie’s got!” I quickly said. “She must have bought it in that shop there. Shall we go in?”
The others all said that would be good, so in we went. Antonia stayed just inside the door looking at the second-hand books, while we three wandered around. I was so hoping there’d be something which just happened to be in my size and was totally suitable for the party, but there was nothing at all and I felt really despondent when we left the shop.
“Let’s go back to that other shop, Nicole,” said Izzy. “I really want to see what you look like in that dress. Or you could try something else on.”
“Or maybe we go into the bookshop now?” said Antonia.
“But Nicole wasn’t sure about the dress,” said Sasha. “And Izzy and I want to see you in it,” she added.
“No, I theenk the dress was…no good…” Antonia said.
Sasha and Izzy looked a bit surprised.
“Oh,” said Izzy.
Maybe Italian people were used to saying whatever they thought without considering other people’s feelings. But in my heart I thought it was nothing to do with Italians. It was just Antonia. She really didn’t seem to like me.
And that hurt.
Chapter Five
I will always remember that first Saturday at Silver Spires as a horrible time. After the shopping trip, I just seemed to sink into a big depression. There wouldn’t be another opportunity before the party to go shopping, so I’d just have to wear my black trousers and my boring top. They were the best clothes I had, but they were still nowhere near good enough.
In the evening we went to the common room and watched a DVD with the rest of the Year Sevens, and made ourselves hot drinks in the kitchen. It was a really good film, but my concentration kept disappearing as my mind filled up with worry over and over again. I also felt cross and sad when I thought about our return journey to school. The back seat was taken by the time we four got on, so Sasha and Izzy sat together and Antonia sat down just behind them. There was a spare seat right next to her, but I deliberately didn’t take it. I was just too full of emotions to sit beside Antonia, and anyway, I wouldn’t have had a clue what to say to her. I sat in front of Izzy and Sasha instead, and stared out of the window at the rainy greyness.
When we went to bed that night, I read for ages, and then I was the last to wake up on Sunday morning. We had breakfast late, and I sat as far away from Antonia as possible. I couldn’t tell how she felt about the way I was so obviously avoiding her, because her face is always impossible to read. I wondered if the others had noticed that Antonia and I weren’t all that friendly towards each other. None of them had ever said anything to me, but I think I might have caught a look passing between Sasha and Izzy when we were on the minibus.
By Sunday afternoon I’d got myself into a real state about the party, and I was still feeling hurt about Antonia’s comment, so it was a relief when we all went swimming and I managed to get rid of some of my hurt feelings by thrashing up and down the pool doing front crawl as fast as I could.
Then Sunday turned to Monday and one really nice thing that happened was that clubs started. There were so many clubs going on every day of the week after school that I didn’t know what to choose, but I thought I might try debating club and maybe chess. Emily said she was going to drama, and Bryony was interested in rock climbing in the sports hall and running club down on the athletics track. In the end she persuaded Emily to go with her to running club too. Antonia was excited to find there was a fashion club, so she settled on that and cookery, which was starting that afternoon. Sasha and Izzy opted for gym club and cookery.
At supper time the dining hall seemed to be buzzing with chatter about clubs, and even Antonia smiled a bit and talked about the ragout she’d made in cookery. I didn’t know how you made it, but of course Sasha and Izzy did because they’d been in the session too, and even Bryony and Emily seemed to know what she was talking about, so I just kept quiet and let the conversation go on around me. I felt a stab of loneliness at that moment, but told myself not to be silly.
After prep we six went to the common room and sat at the table, because Bryony wanted to play the card game Uno from the Forest Ash games store. She spent ages explaining the rules and I thought it sounded like a really good game.
“Thanks for showing me the answer about the continental shelf by the way, Nicole,” said Emily as she dealt the cards. “I don’t know what I’d do without you to help me in prep,” she added.
I assured her I didn’t mind and then laughed and said I only hoped it was right. The others all said it was sure to be right because I had such a big brain. I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed when they said things like that, but only a bit, because I was used to it now and I was sure it didn’t make them like me any less. They seemed to be flattering me, except Antonia, who, as usual, wasn’t saying a word. I was still trying to work her out and kept wondering if she was happy in our dorm, she was so silent all the time. I knew it wasn’t very nice of me, but once or twice lately I’d actually had the thought that it would be good if she swapped into another dorm so that someone else would join ours. Maybe then I’d find a best friend.
“Right, who’s going to keep score?” said Emily.
“Nicole,” said Sasha and Izzy at the same time. Then they laughed.
“She’s the only one who’ll definitely add it up right,” said Sasha.
“I don’t know about that,” I said, laughing. I glanced at Antonia. She was looking through the pack of cards slowly, frowning.
“Here you go,” said Bryony, handing me a pencil and paper that someone else must have used as a score sheet.
I turned it over to the blank side and started making a grid, with a column for people’s scores and a column for the running totals.
“I don’t understand the rules,” Antonia suddenly said.
“It’s easy,” said Emily. “Like Bryony said, you just keep following on with a card of the same colour or the same number, or otherwise you can play a joker…as long as it’s the same colour… Oh you explain it, Nicole. I’m useless.”
The others seemed to fall silent as though they sensed that I might not want to do that, or maybe they sensed that Antonia might not want to hear the rules from me. Whatever it was, one thing was certain – the others really had noticed there was a problem between me and Antonia. And when that fact hit me, a horrible confusion came over me.
“It’s…like Emily said,” I began hesitantly, avoiding looking at Antonia, as I picked up the pile of cards and demonstrated what I meant. I slowly explained to her how you had to follow on with the same colour or number, and then I went through the cards that didn’t have ordinary numbers on them and tried to be as simple and clear as I could. But she didn’t look at me once as I explained, just kept her eyes on the cards the whole time.
“All right, Antonia?” asked Emily when I’d finished. “Do you get it now?”
“I theenk so,” came the answer, in an unsure voice.
“How many rounds are we playing?” I asked, going back to my grid.
Izzy looked at her watch. “Er…how many have we got time for?”
“Shall we aim for six, so each of us gets a go at starting first?” I suggested.
“You’re so good at getting everything organized, Nicole,” said Bryony. “Where did you get that superbrain from? Is it your mum or your dad who’s really clever in your family?”
I thought about Mum and Dad and felt confused again. It had never occurred to me that my brain might have come from anywhere in particular. I’ve just always been the kind of person who likes learning things.
“I…I don’t know…”
“You’re so lucky, not having to worry about prep and tests and stuff,” said Sasha. “I remember how nervous I was when we had to sit the entrance exam to Silver Spires. I know it didn’t matter or anything because we’d all got places and it was just to assess what we were like, but I still felt really nervous.”
“Yes, me too,” said Izzy.
I felt myself blushing. We were getting dangerously near to the topic of scholarships and I didn’t like it at all. My secret was still safe, but I wanted it to stay that way, because I still didn’t know whether it was only people who couldn’t afford the fees who were awarded academic scholarships. I wouldn’t be able to bear it when it came to the party if everyone looked at me with pitying eyes in my ordinary black trousers and boring top, and realized that I had nothing to wear because I’m a poor person.
“I’m just going to the loo,” I said, feeling suddenly stifled in the common room, scared that my secret might be revealed if I didn’t get out straight away. “Start without me. I’ll give myself an average score, okay?”
And as I hurried out I heard Emily say, “Average score? That girl thinks of everything. I wouldn’t be able to give myself an average score any more than I’d be able to give myself a back massage.”
A big eruption of laughter followed her comment, and I had to admit it was really witty of her. I loved the way Emily came out with things like that. So why was I feeling uncomfortable again? Then it hit me. It was because I’d heard Antonia laughing loudly too. She probably didn’t understand what Emily had said but she was just joining in the fun. And I suddenly realized she never did that when I was around. For the first time I had the horrible thought that maybe it was me who stopped her being happy. It was almost as though she was free to be happy now I’d gone. I felt a stab of sadness. I’d wondered whether Antonia ought to swap dorms, but now it seemed like it should be me swapping.
I was still in a state about that as I went back into the common room a couple of minutes later, and my spirits sank even lower when the first sound I heard was Antonia giggling.
“You can’t put a yellow eight on a blue four!” Emily was spluttering.
“I know! I do not know why I deed eet!” came Antonia’s laughing voice. Then she added, “I ’ave only a joker so I will play eet and you will ’ave to pick up four cards, Bryony!”
“Thanks very much, Antonia!” said Bryony, pretending to be cross, and there was another eruption of laughter.
It took quite a lot of courage to go round the corner and take my place at the table now I’d heard all my dorm mates getting on so well without me, and I hoped and hoped that the laughter and chatter would continue, otherwise I’d know that I was the problem.
“How’s it going?” I asked as brightly as I could.
But no one answered me because Emily was just slapping her last card down triumphantly. “Out!” she screeched. “I can’t believe I’ve actually won at something! Hallelujah!”
Everyone started adding up their scores and calling them out to me, and for a minute I had to concentrate hard to take them all down correctly and then add them together and divide by six to find the average for myself.
“Okay your turn to deal, Bry,” said Emily.
But she’d hardly started dealing when Miss Stevenson appeared with two Year Ten girls.
“Oh no, it’s not bedtime already, is it?” asked Emily.
“No, don’t panic,” said Miss Stevenson. “What’s this?” She looked at the cards. “Aha, Uno!”
“I played that last Christmas with my family,” said one of the Year Tens. “It was hilarious!”
“Do you want to join in?” said Emily.
The girl glanced at my grid. “No, don’t worry, that’ll ruin your scoring.”
“No, it’s okay because Nicole can work you out an average score,” said Bryony. “She’s such a superbrain!”
The other girl glanced at me. “Oh yes, Nicole Williamson. You’re one of the scholarship girls, aren’t you?”
There was the smallest of silences while my heart thudded horribly and then a Year Eight girl was calling to Miss Stevenson from across the room.
“Can you get this lamp to work, Miss? The switch is really stiff.”
I looked down as Miss Stevenson hurried off, the Year Ten girls behind her. Then I heard Izzy draw in her breath slowly. “You got a scholarship, Nicole? Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I…I…didn’t really think…”
“You brilliant thing!” said Bryony, patting me on the back.
“Well that explains everything!” said Emily.
Sasha’s eyes sparkled. “We’re sharing a dorm with a scholarship student! Whoa! I can’t wait to tell everyone.”
Then Antonia spoke. “What ees scholarsheep?”
“It’s nothing special really,” I said quickly.
“Yes it is. It’s when you’re so clever that you don’t have to pay any school fees!” Emily answered her. “My parents would give anything for a daughter who didn’t cost them a bean!”
“Mine too,” said Sasha. “I might even have got a bigger allowance if my parents didn’t have to pay fees.”
I glanced at Antonia and our eyes met for a split second. She wasn’t smiling or scowling or anything, but it still made me feel odd because I didn’t know what she was thinking. And she never said a word. All of the others had made some kind of comment about my scholarship that showed they were happy for me. But as usual where I was concerned, Antonia had stayed silent. Maybe she hadn’t understood. But she must have done. Emily had explained it clearly.
“Actually…I don’t really want people knowing about my scholarship. They might think I’m kind of…geeky,” I said carefully.
“Oh, you’re so modest,” said Izzy. “But don’t worry, we’ll keep quiet about it if that’s what you want.” She looked round the table at the others. “Won’t we?”
They nodded. All except Antonia.
Izzy bit her lip. I could tell she was embarrassed.
“You won’t tell anyone about Nicole’s scholarship, will you, Antonia?” she said, leaning forwards and speaking slowly, to make sure Antonia had understood.
Antonia gave a small shake of her head, then asked whose turn it was to deal. But we never went back to the game, because one of the Year Eights said something about the party just then, and her comment was like a match that turned a small flare into a big fire, as
suddenly everyone was discussing what they were going to wear and how great this common room was going to look when it was decorated. The excitement was infectious. It spread into every nook and cranny, except for the lonely place where I was sitting. I so wanted to look forward to the party too, because I knew it would be brilliant. But I couldn’t feel a single shred of happiness about it – only a sickly dread that I wouldn’t fit in, with my plain ordinary clothes amongst all the glitz and the glamour.
Chapter Six
On Tuesday after school, everyone from my dorm was going to some club or other and although I hadn’t planned on going to one, I didn’t want to be on my own, so I thought I might join Bryony and Emily at running club. Being alone would only make my head fill up with sad thoughts, like it had done the night before in bed.
I hadn’t been able to sleep for ages because I’d got myself into such a state. My mind had been going over and over conversations and things that had happened since I’d been at Silver Spires, and I’d kept on coming back to my thoughts about being the only girl in my dorm with a scholarship and also that I should swap dorms so Antonia could be happy. Perhaps I ought to go to Mrs. Pridham and ask if there was anyone who wanted to swap with me after half-term? I hated that thought and I actually cried myself to sleep in the end, but they were silent tears so I wouldn’t wake the others up.
“Are you going to running club?” I asked Bryony when lessons had finished for the day.
“Yes. Why don’t you come too? It’ll be good!” she said.
I’d been hoping she’d say something like that and I hurried off to get my stuff from Forest Ash, then joined the others in the changing room.
Two Year Eights were getting changed at the same time as us and started talking about the party on Saturday, which made my stomach churn.
“I think it’s going to be even better than last year’s, don’t you?” said a girl called Zoe. “The Year Tens are in charge of decorating the common room and I heard them talking about an ‘Oscar party’ theme.”