7:28am:
Why were you spying on me?
--------------------------------------
7:30am:
Jake, I asked for fifteen minutes. That’s all. I just wanted to see you, so while it seems like I was spying on you, I was actually just dropping in.
--------------------------------------
7:31am:
Like I said yesterday, I was tidying up loose ends. I explained everything to Rachel.
--------------------------------------
7:32am:
How long has this been going on? Is she still married? What else haven’t you told me about your relationship with her, Jake?
--------------------------------------
7:36am:
Yes, she’s still married. I am sure I told you that we have an arrangement – I text her when I want to see her and vice versa. But of course, that’s all over now. It was over in January.
7:38am:
I am in LOVE with YOU, Christine. I can’t risk that, so I told Rachel I’m done.
--------------------------------------
7:40am:
It didn’t look like it was over or that you were *done*.
--------------------------------------
7:42am:
It was nothing, Christine. You’re making a big deal out of this.
--------------------------------------
7:56am:
I’m just confused, Jake. Confused about where I fit in your life.
--------------------------------------
7:56am:
Don’t be. This is ridiculous.
--------------------------------------
8:03am:
I think I need some time to really think about just how real this fairy tale of ours is.
--------------------------------------
8:04am:
Where are you? We need to talk. In person.
--------------------------------------
8:05am:
Why, so you can see me crying?
--------------------------------------
8:06am:
No. Because once you look into my eyes, you will see how true my love for you really is. Just like I did when I looked into yours after this blip with Peter.
8:08am:
Please, Christine, let’s meet. No more texting.
--------------------------------------
8:12am:
If I can be honest with you, I have to admit that beyond our connection, beyond this love – and I don’t question just how true this love is – I am still a woman, Jake. In fact, deep down, I’m actually just a little girl who dreams of a princess’s life, and of spending that life with her soulmate.
--------------------------------------
8:14am:
I can provide that. I AM providing that, Christine.
8:15am:
When you look into my eyes, you know that. It’s the truest love either of us has ever known, or will ever know.
--------------------------------------
8:28am:
I need some time to figure this out.
--------------------------------------
8:29am:
What does that mean?
8:38am:
Your stuff is still at my house, why don’t you swing by and we can talk this through. If you’re not convinced, then you can take your things and all the time you want. But I’m certain you will be convinced.
--------------------------------------
8:40am:
Jake, you know me better than that. Do you really think I’ll stop by for my stuff?
--------------------------------------
8:41am:
Good point.
8:42am:
But you can’t blame me for wanting to lure you back to my apartment.
8:44am:
You’re an artist when it comes to disappearing and that’s something I don’t want to happen to me.
--------------------------------------
8:57am:
I’m staying at the Regis tonight. I’m not going to disappear. But I hope you can give me the space I need.
--------------------------------------
8:58am:
Okay, that works.
8:59am:
BTW, you have expensive taste.
--------------------------------------
9:02am:
Like I said, I’m just a little girl who wants to live a princess life. The Regis is making that happen, at least tonight.
9:03am:
And you sure aren’t helping with that childhood illusion of mine by taking me out on private helicopter tours of the Big Apple.
--------------------------------------
9:05am:
I’m here to feed your desires, Christine. In exchange, all I want is YOU. It’s really that simple for me – waking up next to you, kissing you every day. That fulfills my most basic desires when it comes to love.
--------------------------------------
9:06am:
But seeing you with Rachel yesterday contradicts everything you just said.
--------------------------------------
9:07am:
Let me know when you’re ready to see me so we can talk this through.
--------------------------------------
Sunday March 3, 2013
--------------------------------------
7:56pm:
I know they treat you well at the Regis, but I hope you’re not staying the whole week.
8:01pm:
Okay, here’s the thing. I am MISSING you big-time. All I have are these photos and the clothes you left behind. I washed your jogging outfit, btw. I’m regretting that now... it doesn’t smell like you anymore.
8:04pm:
I realize how it looked on Friday when you saw me with Rachel. But the only purpose of seeing her was to tell her about you, about us, and explain that I could not see her anymore.
8:07pm:
I’ll be honest with you, Christine. Rachel is doubtful that I can keep you happy, that I can follow through with our relationship. But I’m not doubtful. Because you’re not Rachel. She and I never worked out because she wasn’t YOU. So of course she doesn’t think you and I will work out.
8:14pm:
Rachel loves me in a way that most couples love each other. I love her, sure I do and I always will. But that love is subordinated to you. Everything is subordinated to you. And I know that I have to distance myself from Rachel because even if you didn’t object to our relationship, I don’t think it’s fair to split my attention between you and her.
8:16pm:
So that’s why I had to see her and tidy up those loose ends. It was for you.
8:21pm:
You saw us, which is unfortunate because I think you would have seen everything I have been telling you about. You would have seen just how beautiful she is and you would have seen the love we have for each other. But you will have also seen that it’s not the love that YOU and I have, it’s nowhere close. And if you saw us long enough, you would have seen that it was the end of a relationship, not the beginning or continuation of one.
8:23pm:
My point is that what you saw is definitely real. Rachel is real and our love is real. But Rachel and I are over. So I can focus all of my attention (and love) on you, Christine.
8:25pm:
You mean everything to me. You are the reason my life has unraveled the way it did because when I met you, all those pieces that I couldn’t put back together suddenly found their way and gelled.
8:27pm:
So please, please, PLEASE, let’s talk this through. In person. So you can read my eyes while I tell you exactly how I feel. And you can decide for yourself whether or not I can love anyone else half as much as I love you.
--------------------------------------
9:57pm:
So much of what you just wrote makes sense. Logic
ally, I can’t exactly disagree with you.
9:58pm:
But emotionally, I’m timid about this.
--------------------------------------
10:00pm:
Then let’s meet. I can come to you, or you can come home. I don’t care. I just want to see you.
10:01pm:
And for you to see that I love you beyond any words.
10:01pm:
Beyond any logic. And beyond emotions.
--------------------------------------
10:02pm:
OK.
10:03pm:
I’m in room 806.
--------------------------------------
10:05pm:
I’m on my way.
--------------------------------------
Monday March 4, 2013
--------------------------------------
9:42am:
Something funny happened to me this morning.
--------------------------------------
9:43am:
What’s that?
--------------------------------------
9:46am:
I went to your office and your receptionist asked me who I wanted to see. So I told her that I wanted to see you, Jake. At first, she seemed surprised.
--------------------------------------
9:48am:
Yes, because if you’re not over 60 and have an entourage of either bodyguards or lawyers and accountants, or all three, then I typically don’t see beautiful people like you.
--------------------------------------
9:49am:
Needless to say, she looked you up on her computer and told me that you weren’t there.
--------------------------------------
9:51am:
I’m sick about this, Christine. It feels like you were all mine just a day ago, and now you’ve slipped through my fingers. I’m at a loss here, I don’t know what else to do.
--------------------------------------
9:53am:
Calling in sick will help?
--------------------------------------
9:55am:
It numbs the pain, sure.
--------------------------------------
9:56am:
I wanted to let you know that I won’t be starting at Lawson next week like they had hoped.
--------------------------------------
9:58am:
For some reason, I’m not surprised by that.
10:02am:
Do you have something else lined up? Or is my life truly falling apart and you will be moving back to Toronto to give Peter another shot at being the perfect partner?
10:10am:
Still there?
10:11am:
Well, you know where I am. I am waiting for you, and I’m afraid that I could be waiting a very long time.
10:17am:
I meant when I said I love you.
10:19am:
Please don’t make me wait too long... I’m alone without you.
--------------------------------------
Wednesday March 20, 2013
--------------------------------------
5:47pm:
It’s been more than two weeks.
5:48pm:
I don’t know where you are. I barely know where I am.
5:58pm:
And I’m on the verge of losing my job. Each day, I wait in my apartment for a knock that doesn’t happen. In my mind, I rehearse what I will say to you when you come back for your clothes, how I might convince you to give this another shot.
6:01pm:
Some days, I’m fine. Others, like today, I find that I am more confused than anything.
6:02pm:
You admitted that there is nothing else in the world that can compare to the love we have. Yet you’re letting it slip away. Again, the confusion.
6:08pm:
Part of me wants to hunt you down and not say another word, just kiss you and if it’s love, then those feelings will rush right back to you. Another part of me wants to torture you – let my fingers drip down your knees while I let my tongue trace your collarbone the way you always liked. But I wouldn’t fuck you, I would take to you to that edge where it’s no longer about saying no and fighting it, but about saying please and devouring it.
6:09pm:
So in the end, I don’t know what I would do and all of my rehearsing means absolutely nothing by now.
6:10pm:
I am completely broken.
6:12pm:
Christine, I need you.
--------------------------------------
9:57pm:
I love you, need you and miss you too.
9:59pm:
But this is for the best right now. I want to be certain about this and this absence will make our relationship stronger.
10:00pm:
Trust me about that.
10:01pm:
I miss you too, Jake.
--------------------------------------
10:03pm:
Then let’s put an end to this stubborn silence and absence.
10:04pm:
I will come to you, wherever you are.
10:06pm:
I know you’re not at the Regis anymore.
10:08pm:
But I don’t care where you are. I will travel to any corner of this planet to be with you again.
10:09pm:
I need to see you, I need to taste you in my mouth and feel you pressed up against me again.
10:11pm:
I need to watch you sleep in those early hours before I go to the gym.
10:28pm:
Christine? Don’t lock me out.
10:30pm:
I’ll do anything to get you back.
--------------------------------------
Tuesday March 26, 2013
--------------------------------------
12:30pm:
The Audi is gone from Peter’s driveway. It hasn’t been there all weekend, it wasn’t there this morning either.
12:32pm:
So I know you have been back to Toronto at some point, but that you’re not living with Peter again.
12:39pm:
Or maybe (I know this sounds crazy) you were never here to begin with. I haven’t figured that one out yet.
12:42pm:
I took a chance and visited your old employer. I figured you never got to sign off on those forms for your HR team, so maybe when you decided to pass on Lawson, you just went back there.
12:43pm:
But here’s the crazy part – you never worked there.
12:47pm:
I asked for Christine and because I don’t know your last name, both women named Christine came out to meet me. One was a laywer and the other was the receptionist, just like you said - the one with the fake breasts (I’m guessing that part about not liking the t-word was genuine) who was probably a stripper (I think you were right about that one!).
12:49pm:
I asked for the other two – you said there were four Christines in the office. But they insisted there were no others, just the two of them.
12:52pm:
So then I showed them the pictures of you, the ones that I have on my phone. No one recognized you. (That being said, they thanked me for the flowers I sent, which was nice of them to do, and the lawyer Christine actually asked me out for lunch, which was also nice but I declined).
12:53pm:
Who are you, Christine? Not only did you disappear, it seems you never existed. I’m baffled.
12:58pm:
Part of me doesn’t even care what your real name is, because what we have reaches deeper than names and past lives and little lies like where you work or what you do for a living. I just want to see you again, not only because I am starving for you (all of you) but because I’m actually wondering whether you were real in the first place.
1:02pm:
Next stop
: Peter the Peckerhead.
6:47pm:
Now that was interesting! Peter is actually a pretty nice guy. Very charming, friendly and forthcoming. I guess that halfway describes the typical wife beater or sociopath, though, doesn’t it?
6:51pm:
When he came home about an hour ago, I approached him in the driveway. Before he could get to the house. I introduced myself as “Christine’s last boyfriend” and he said who the fuck is Christine. I now figure that you gave me an alias, but when I showed him your photo, he asked me why he should care that I dated you.
Textual Encounters (The Christine + Jake Affair) Page 15