by Liam Hurley
In the taxi journey home, I realised you wouldn’t be home from work for a few hours so I could make a meal for you. Obviously, I’d steer clear of Mexican as you’d been serving it up to customers all day. Once back at the building I jogged (well shuffled my giant frame as efficiently as I could) inside and got to plotting.
I looked into the fridge and saw a distinct lack of ingredients. I was scrabbling around with the bare essentials we had in. What the hell could I make with mince, mustard, avocado and lentils? I was weighing up whether or not to nip to the shop when the idea hit me to just Google the ingredients and see what came out.
For some reason I didn’t think to check the Internet on my phone and instead reached for your laptop which was on the side of the couch. I snapped it open and began to search through Google looking for recipes. Nothing was jumping out at me. I was sat on the couch with your laptop on my knees. My hands lay idle on the keyboard. You know what they say about idle hands? And for some inane reason in that moment I dragged the mouse from its position on the Good Food homepage, and the big red letters stating no recipes found, to your task bar. I hovered over the ‘photo’ icon and clicked.
Looking back, I can’t really understand why I opened the file. Perhaps I wanted to find a nice picture of us to have out whilst we ate and had our talk? Or more likely I was just being curious. Well you might as well call me the cat. The vast array of pictures opened in front of me in tiny thumbnail form. I scanned my eyes across them and a few things jumped out at me; my face, your face, our flat, and someone else’s penis. What? I double clicked as rapidly as I could and the screen was suddenly filled with a picture of someone’s penis. It didn’t take me long to realise who it belonged to either as the top of the image showed the smug face of Daniel grinning down at it.
Sick instantly began to form in the pit of my stomach. I felt warm and cold all at once. It was too much to take in. Once again, the adrenaline flew through my veins. This time however it felt different. I was right. All along. Fucking hell I wish I hadn’t been right.
I shoved the laptop away from me and ran to the sink expecting to see my lunch in reverse. Instead of that though I saw hot, salty tears drop into the basin. I got angry with myself for being upset and brushed the liquid off my cheeks.
I stormed back to the couch and snatched the laptop up. Part of me wanted to launch it across the room but I resisted. I minimised the picture of his penis and began to scroll back through your images. I didn’t see any other pictures which were as graphic of him but I did see a few topless shots. Even worse though, I saw some naked pictures of you. Naked pictures of you that you’d never sent to me.
I don’t know how long I sat there with the laptop open on my lap. It may well have been hours. All I could think about is how I’d been right. The worst feelings of jealously I’d ever had, had been right. Justified. And that scared the shit out of me. Of course, I was hurt to my core by what I’d seen, but perhaps the most harrowing part of this discovery was that the demon inside me had been right. Right all along.
I kept re-opening different images and just staring at them. It was as if so many emotions were trying to flood out of me that they were cancelling each other out. I was angry, sad, furious, bitter, destroyed, empty, jealous, hurt… but all I felt was blank. Just a vast open space. I was staring mouth ajar at your naked body. Fucking hell. How had this happened?
I checked the dates on the pictures. The penis picture had been saved on your laptop two weeks ago, just before our gig that Daniel turned up at. Another fresh wave of anger flooded my system. He fucking sat there and spoke to me, and my friends, knowing he’d sent that to you? What a fucking prick. The naked pictures of you were from a few weeks previous, around the time we moved in together. Weren’t we happy then? We were setting up our new life together and you were taking naked fucking pictures of yourself for some other guy?
I really didn’t know what to do. I was frozen to the spot in a state of paralysis and disgust. Like in a dream when you can’t move. Or a nightmare in this case. I probably would have sat there all night just staring into the screen, however I didn’t get this opportunity as just as I was opening a half-naked picture of Daniel to check the date, the front door clicked as you put your key into the lock.
Chapter Ten- The Friend’s Hug
As the door swung open it gave me just enough time to close the laptop and put it back into place on the side of the couch. I jumped up to my feet and wiped my face, trying to clear away the last of the tears still clinging to my cheeks. It seemed to work because as you came into the room you simply glanced my way and grunted. You then walked into the kitchen area. You looked down at the worktop and saw a packet of mince, mustard, half an avocado and a cup of lentils.
“What’s all this doing out?”
“I- “ I stopped for a second to settle my breathing. I closed my eyes and exhaled. “I was going to make you food.”
“Well you’ve done a great job.”
You brushed past me and took a seat on the couch I’d just vacated. I was still frozen to the spot staring towards the front door.
“Well?” you said.
I slowly averted my gaze from the door to you. I was trying my hardest to shield all the feelings that were bubbling inside me. Why? I have no idea. I finally shifted my body and took a seat on the couch adjacent to you. I stared at the floor for a moment and then brought my head up to look you in the eyes. Deep into those beautiful big green eyes I’d fallen in love with a lifetime ago. I could feel the tears begin to well again so I bit down on my tongue to stop them.
“What’s wrong?” you asked.
I smiled half-heartedly but that gave me away as the movement of my muscles in my face allowed the tears to run loose from my eyes. They were free flowing now and I couldn’t stop them. I tried to brush them away, but it was like using windscreen wipers in a storm, the next drop was there within nanoseconds. You seemed to freeze for a moment as I began to cry. You didn’t seem sure how to respond.
“What is it?” you said.
I exhaled in a stuttered manner, it was the best I could do, and the tears continued to flow. I breathed in deeply and felt my chest fill up. I closed my eyes and let the air escape, and as I did I managed to squeak out one word.
“Laptop.”
You frowned for a moment at me. You didn’t seem to comprehend what I was saying. You looked back at me and I directed my eyes to your laptop. You followed my eye movement and also found yourself looking at the top of your laptop. For a second I saw your pupils widen before you snatched it up and opened the lid. The screen showed you what I’d last been looking at. You tilted the lid down and looked at me.
“What’s so upsetting? Just because there’s no recipes?”
I almost laughed. You genuinely must have assumed for a second I was in this state because I couldn’t find a recipe to fit our smorgasbord of ingredients.
“Pictures” I breathed.
You looked back at me blankly and then back at the laptop.
“Oh.” Came your response.
Oh? Oh? That was all you could fucking say to me. I couldn’t even let those words come out my mouth, as I knew it would bring about a flood of emotion, so instead I just nodded.
“They don’t mean anything.”
“How?” I said.
I breathed in deeply again, I knew I’d have to find a way to speak sooner or later.
“It was stupid. Just flirting.”
“Flirting?”
“Yeah just harmless fun. We didn’t do anything, just pictures.”
“It still counts.” I managed to say.
That was the first time I’d spoke more than one word in a while and my chest panged with pain at the effort of doing so. It was a strange moment, I felt like I was trapped in my own body whilst also floating above us, watching from afar.
“Yeah, I know it was stupid, but it’s not like cheating, is it?”
“It is cheating. In my book anyway.”
> We sat in silence for a few moments. I was staring at you and you were looking everywhere but back at me. I had the strange feeling you were contemplating your next move. I decided in that moment to try and take the ball out of your court.
“So, I was right. I knew it all along. I knew he was a fucking snake.” I said.
“You don’t understand.”
“Explain to me then.”
“I can’t really. It’s hard. It didn’t feel real; it was just a bit of attention. You work like all night then sleep all day and I’m sat around with nothing to do.”
“Oh, so you send naked pictures to someone else? When I was on my own all I did was order a fucking vacuum.”
“If you’re going to keep having a go at me, we’re not going to get anywhere.”
I knew I had every right to have a go at you. I should’ve screamed and shouted and broke everything in the flat. But I didn’t. I just sat there, fairly placid and stared into space. I held my silence; it was your turn to speak.
“It’s not like I want to be with him or anything. I just wanted some fun. We’ve moved in together so quickly, it’s like we’re married. I’m only twenty-three.”
“Okay I get that.” I didn’t. “But why not just speak to me? Say things are moving too fast?”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Well you’ve done a brilliant job of that.”
“Oh, fuck off.” You said and jumped to your feet.
You stormed towards the balcony doors and tore them open. I didn’t turn around to watch you but I heard the click of your lighter and a deep inhale. I was stuck in my own mind about what to do next. A big part of me wanted to follow you and apologise. What was I apologising for? I don’t know really. I’d made you feel upset and I never wanted that. Another part of me wanted to just walk out and never come back. But really, I knew I didn’t want this to be the end, I just wanted to vent.
I stood up and walked to the sink. I poured two glasses of water and carried them outside to the balcony. You were smoking and looking out onto Manchester. I could see you were blinking away tears. Finally, I might hear some genuine remorse from you. I coughed to announce my arrival; once you’d turned around I passed you your glass of water.
“Thanks.”
I took a sip of my own and reached inside my jeans to retrieve my cigarettes. I took one out and quickly lit it. I exhaled and looked at you. You were still glaring out onto the Manchester skyline. The silence was unbearable and before I knew it I was breaking it by uttering two words I still regret saying to this day.
“I’m sorry.”
You turned to face me, your eyes still glittering with tears. I smiled slightly at you but it wasn’t returned. Why did I feel like the bad guy again?
“It’s okay.” You said.
Great. Glad I was off the hook. What the fuck was I thinking? I just felt so bad that you were crying. I loved you so much that just seeing you upset made me care much less about the pictures. I just wanted you to be happy.
“You should’ve said something.” I said.
“I know.”
We smoked in sync for a few minutes in silence. I was almost combusting with the amount of emotions I was trying to contain. One part of me had white hot anger taking over, another part had shame in charge and finally I just felt dread. A deep dread of the realisation that I was right. The one thing I didn’t want to be right about and it turned out I was. I knew it. I fucking knew it.
“What did you want to talk about?” you said.
“Huh?” I was lost in my own thoughts.
“Before, when you text me saying you want to talk. What was all that about?”
I stretched my mind back before the deep chasm that now lay between us had erupted. It seemed so long ago.
“Erm, I wanted to tell you how guilty I felt that I’d accused you of cheating on me.”
“Oh.”
Oh indeed. I let that sentence hang between us for a moment. In a way I was playing the victim. But fuck it; I was the victim so I had every right to act that way.
“So.” You started. “Now what do we do?”
“As in?”
“Us two. We can’t carry on like this.”
Shit. What? That wasn’t what I was expecting by any means. I didn’t want to end things, I just wanted you to say sorry and we could move on.
“Not like this no. But, we could change.” I said.
“Can we?”
“Well can you stop swapping naked pictures with every guy who comes into the flat?”
“If you’re going to be like that, then this is pointless.”
“Sorry.” I said. Again, not sure why. “I’m upset.”
“So am I.”
More silence followed. My brain began to whirl at full speed. It sounded like you wanted us to break up. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I started to feel bad about confronting you. Why did I look at the stupid laptop? I have a phone. I have a fucking phone.
“I don’t know what I want.” You said.
“There’s that mince and avocado in there.” I said, pointing to the kitchen.
“You know I care about you. A lot. But I just don’t think I’m ready for all of this.”
“All of what?”
“Living together. Being together. It’s all too much.”
“What if I just moved out?”
“Would that work though? We can’t just go back a step.”
“Says who? There are no rules.”
“People would think it’s strange.”
“So, you want to break up with me because people would think it’s strange for me to move out?” I asked.
“No. That’s not why.”
Fuck. And that was it, that was the first time you actually properly admitted you wanted us to break up. All those feelings of anger and bitterness flooded away. And I was left with an overwhelming sadness. And for what felt like the millionth time that evening my eyes started to leak. I turned away to face the skyline again. I was embarrassed that I was crying again.
“So, this is it?” I said.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re not. You wanted to. You were messaging… him.” I managed.
“But not because of anything you’d done, just me, I don’t want this. Not you. I just don’t want this.”
“But I am this.”
I didn’t understand how you weren’t managing to grasp it? You telling me you didn’t want this life was essentially saying you didn’t want me. Because I was all in with this life, I’d moved in with you and started to set up our entire future together. I’d met your mum, she liked me and I liked her. It just worked so well. And now you were saying you didn’t want it. You didn’t want me.
I turned back towards you and faced you again. My eyes were still wet but I knew it was pointless trying to hide away. I was out in the open, exposed to you. I stared at you and you back at me. And before I knew what I was doing we were hugging each other. Both clinging on to each other, and now the tears really started to flow. I was sobbing. I couldn’t breathe so I buried my head into your hair and soaked your dark locks with my tears. I could feel you start to pull away from me but I held on tight. I deserved this. One fucking hug. I cried harder and harder and it felt like it would never stop.
In a way, it never did.
Eventually I let go of you and pulled away. I took a step or two back and looked you in the eyes. It was time to go for it. To play my ‘Hail Mary’. One last go.
“Please don’t leave me.” I said. “Please.”
I loved you so fucking much. I’d put my entire being into the relationship. And yeah I’d acted crazy and stupid at times. But come on, I had justification. That fucking snake came slithering along and messed with us. He fucked it up for us. I’d put my all into this relationship. All of my chips were on the table and I wasn’t even getting the chance to show my hand.
“I’m sorry Jimmy.”
I knew that was it. I was defeated.
How the fuck had I let this happen? It was my fucking fault. I pushed you towards him, and then reacted like a baby when you showed him attention. I didn’t act like a man. I acted like a bitch; I just let him take you away. Shame and sadness were flowing through me. I didn’t know what to do. I walked inside and felt you follow me closely from behind. We both took our seats back on the couches and looked at one another. The laptop was positioned uncomfortably between us.
I was almost in a state of shock; I found it nearly impossible to feel anything in that moment. It was like a blank canvas being splattered every now and then with stripes of blue or red paint. I could almost see the emotion coming up from inside me. But the adrenaline racing around my body was keeping it at bay. I felt waves of sadness crash over me but they passed when I looked at you. I was still madly in love with you.