by Liam Hurley
“You did.” He replied.
“I’m so sorry.” I said.
“Come with me son.”
He stepped back and allowed me to walk out of the room. He lead me down a corridor towards a gated door with a source of light streaming through the bars.
“It’s like The Green Mile this.” I said.
Silence. Probably not the best time for jokes. I stopped at the gate and the officer unlocked it. He pushed it open and took us around the corner. I found myself at a desk, a female officer was sat behind it looking at a computer screen. She looked very stern. Her hair was tied in a tight bun and her make-up was light and consistent. The only potentially unique feature about her was her left eye, which seemed to be slightly off centre.
“Just stand there.” Said the man who’d walked me out. He was pointing at the front of the desk.
Directly above me was a sign which read ‘any abuse; physical, verbal or emotional will be taken very seriously and prosecutors will be punished to the full extent of the law’.
“How can someone commit emotional abuse here?” I asked. I looked to the male officer who was now opening a cabinet in the corner. “I mean, people here have only just met you lot, how can someone be emotionally abusive to a stranger?”
The male officer didn’t turn around. However, the female officer looked up at me.
“Well, for example, we could have an intoxicated gentleman getting locked up for the evening who signed his name sideways so, ‘even you could read it’, as they said to me.”
She kept her expression very blank as she told me this. I noticed as she was speaking her eye wasn’t just slightly off centre, it was in fact, pointing in the complete opposite direction.
“That’s awful. Yeah I understand.” I said.
She looked confused. Suddenly another flash of my dream-like previous night came back to me.
“Oh bollocks.” I said. “I did that didn’t I?”
She nodded.
“I am so sorry. Honestly, I can’t remember much about last night, barely anything really.”
“Do you know how often we hear that excuse James?” the male officer said.
“Lots I’d imagine.”
“I’ve heard it four times this year.”
“Oh well that’s not as much as I thought.”
“It’s New Year’s Day James.”
“Oh, shit yeah, forgot about that too.”
He shook his head at me.
“I am P.C. Kelly, this is Desk Sergeant Reynolds.” He said.
I smiled and nodded at both of them.
“Desk Sergeant Reynolds, can you bring up James’ charge sheet please?” he continued.
“Of course.” Reynolds replied.
She clicked at her computer a few times. I tried not to look at her eye as best as I could. It seemed to follow me though. Like a fine piece of art.
“Here we are, so James, you were picked up just outside of town walking down Artists Lane, eating a takeaway. You seemed to be having some issues staying stood up so my partner and myself pulled over to see how you were.”
“Okay…” I said.
“You then threw the takeaway at me and ran into a nearby field. You didn’t get very far, my partner caught you in a ditch about four metres into the field.”
“Right…”
“We tried to get you home safely but you weren’t very cooperative or coherent and then you became more and more abusive to the point where we had to arrest you and bring you in to the station.”
“Sorry like I said, I don’t remember a thing, where did you find me did you say Art Lane?”
“Artists Lane.”
“Yeah where’s that?”
“It’s goes into Windmill Wood. That’s where you were walking towards.”
“So, what’s going to happen to me?”
Kelly took a sharp intake of breath through his teeth. He looked down at Reynolds. Reynolds look back at him with one eye and at the door behind her with the other.
“I’d say two to three years probably.”
“What?” I said.
“Prison. Two or three years. Not so bad, you’re lucky that this is your first offence, we have no record of you here.” He tapped the screen. “What do you think Sergeant Reynolds?”
“Well with the emotional abuse, I’d say four.”
“Of course, I forgot about that, yes, four years probably.”
I stared at them both. How the fuck had this happened?
“But… but…”
“Ah, got you.” Said Kelly. He was laughing.
“What?” I said.
They were both laughing at me.
“You can’t do that.” I said.
“Oh, come on, it’s revenge for the eye comment.” Said Reynolds.
I let my mouth hang open.
“What’s going to happen, James, is we are going to let you off with a warning this time only.” Said Kelly. “Just be careful in future, you’re lucky we found you last night, you didn’t seem to know where you were, anything could’ve happened.”
“Thanks, no thank you.” I said. “Yeah, I still don’t really know, where am I?”
“Alderley Edge Police Station.” Said Reynold as she pointed to the sign behind her, which I’m guessing she could read from her position.
“How the fuck did I get all the way out here?” I said.
“Erm, language young man. And like I said, you were lucky.” Said Kelly.
“Right. Yeah.” I looked around. “Do you have my phone?”
Reynolds pulled a drawer open under her desk and produced a large plastic bag. She pulled from inside it my phone, keys, wallet, a packet of cigarettes, a lighter and lastly a large grey dildo.
“Er, that’s not mine.” I pointed at the dildo.
“Of course not.” Kelly rolled his eyes.
“Honestly.” I said.
“Didn’t you say you don’t remember anything about last night?” said Reynolds.
“Well no I don’t, but it’s not my dildo.” I said.
“If you just sign here James.” Reynolds slid a sheet of paper at me.
Along the top it read ‘inventory of items for temporary prisoners, Alderley Edge Police Station’. I looked to the bottom of the form, there was my sideways signature, I felt a flash of guilt and looked next to to my name to see what time I was signed in. 1.57am. What the fuck happened last night? I signed the form next to the ‘x’ she wrote. I slid it back across the desk.
“So, am I free to go?” I asked.
“Yes, just be careful out there.” Said Kelly.
“I will.” I grabbed my phone and wallet and put them into my jeans pocket. I picked up my cigarettes and lighter and keys and put them in pockets too. Finally, I looked down at the dildo. “Can I leave this here?”
“James, we can’t keep your possessions.”
“Like I said though, it’s not mine.” I said.
“You’ll have to put it in the bin outside.” Said Reynolds.
“Jesus. Fine.” I picked it up.
It was an odd feeling holding a dildo. I wasn’t quite sure how to hold it. I kept it at arms’ length like it was a loaded gun. I looked at the officers. They were both smirking.
“What?” I said.
“We’re just messing with you, it’s not yours, we just found it last night.”
“What the fuck?” I threw the dildo across the room. “What sort of police station is this?”
“Be thankful you ended up at this one, you’d be getting charged in other places.” Said Kelly.
“Jesus Christ.” I said.
I looked around for a hidden camera. This must be a wind-up. They were both still smirking at me.
“Fucking hell, do you have a taxi number by the way? I don’t know how I’ll get home.” I said.
“Oh, did I not say, your dad’s outside.” Said Kelly.
“Oh. Brilliant.”
If the gravitas of the situation was lost on me due to my int
eraction with the strangest police officers in the world, then my Dad ensured I would not forget what had happened anytime soon. He was apoplectic. I’d literally never seen or have seen him as mad as he was that day. He screamed and shouted all the way home. He called me inconsiderate and reckless. He said I acted like a child. He said he’d never been as embarrassed in his entire life when someone announced in the golf club that the police were on the phone for him.
I managed to piece together a bit more of the story from his ranting. Mum and my dad didn’t see me after I went for a smoke, which meant thankfully I hadn’t gone back into the club. They didn’t even notice I was gone until the police called because apparently, they were too busy helping the search party find the three members of staff who had inexplicably gone missing. Odd.
When we got home, Mum gave me the silent treatment whereas my dad continued to lecture me any chance he could get. I felt like I was fifteen again, and when I vocalised this to my dad, he reminded me that if I didn’t act like a child he wouldn’t have to treat me like one.
The New Year had gotten off to probably the worst start imaginable. I spent the next few days camped up in my room. I only left to use the bathroom and sneak food when I knew my parents were at work. They both worked long hours, my dad in the hospital and Mum in the bank, so I started to get the house to myself for longer periods.
The reality of my life was starting to come home to me in this time. It was nice enough for the first couple of days after Christmas. But sitting around all day was making me itchy. I was itching to do something. Also, the worst bit was that all this time I had on my hands was lending itself to long periods of thought about Erin.
There was no argument about who ‘won’ the break-up I thought. It was clearly her. I was back at my parents with no job. She was still in our amazing flat living the life she always did. I was just a blip on her radar whereas she caused an entire breakdown of my system. I was back to square one.
I wondered about what she was doing. So much so that I rang her. She didn’t pick up. I heard her voice chant out at me as her voicemail kicked in.
“Hi it’s Erin, really sorry I can’t answer, leave your name, number and measurements after the beep and I’ll see what I can do!”.
I hung up on the beep. I laughed a bit at her voicemail. It was hard to hear her voice again. It made my chest pang and ache all at once. I stared at my phone for a while longer. I didn’t even know what I was going to say to her. I just wanted to speak to her, try and gain some semblance of what she was doing and who she was with.
I assumed she was with Daniel. I mean why wouldn’t she be? The coast was clear for them for now. It made sense. What didn’t make sense was me fucking ringing her. I felt a surge of anger. I looked back at my phone and at Erin’s number. I swiped down and pushed the ‘delete contact’ option. I then dived into my photos and started deleting every single picture of her. This proved difficult as each picture brought up a new memory. Even the naked ones of her made me think of the night we broke up.
When I’d completed the blitz of her from my phone I stood up and walked to the bathroom. I could feel that my face was getting hotter and I was possibly on the verge of growing upset. I ran a shower until it went cold and then stuck my head underneath to try and snap out of it. As the water ran over the back of my head and onto my face I realised I hadn’t showered in three days. I sighed and got undressed. I jumped in the shower out of guilt rather than wanting to.
I stood in the shower and let the lukewarm water wash over me. I hated this. I hate it all. This new life was shit. I was shit. And to make it worse Erin was out there living the great life. Bullshit.
I got out the shower and started to dry myself. I spotted myself in the mirror. My eyes lingered on my gut hanging heavily over my mid-section. God, I was disgusting. Here I was with my shit life and my shit body. I put some clothes on and decided to leave the house.
I had no desire to be anywhere I just knew I had to get out the house. I jumped in the car and turned the radio up to try and drown out my own thoughts. I headed towards the city centre. Maybe I could get some food.
The traffic was awful. Everyone was beeping and swerving around each other. I tried to dominate my lane but I could feel a car inching in on my left-hand side. I glared at the couple who occupied the encroaching car. They continued to try and cut in ahead of me on Mancunian Way.
“Fuck you, fuck you.” I mouthed at them.
The man looked back at me. He was frowning.
“Yeah, what, what, do something. Bitch.” I said.
He shook his head and waved me ahead of him.
“Yeah that’s what I thought.” I muttered.
The traffic had really built up. I was sat in a queue to come off the ring road for about ten minutes. I could literally see Manchester centre from my car but I couldn’t move at all. I scanned the skyline trying to think of a way out. I ploughed on down the road and eventually spotted an NCP. I indicated and pulled in. Fuck it, I thought, I’ll walk.
I left the car and started to traipse towards town. It was a cold day and it was drawing nearer to rush hour. I made my way into the centre and as I got closer to Market Street I noticed the streets were rammed so I had to dodge people as best I could. I stood on my tip toes and looked at the crowd ahead of me. I estimated it would probably take me an extra ten minutes to get to food. Bollocks. I turned right and cut down an alley in an attempt to find a short cut.
The alley was hidden around the back of the Arndale shopping centre. The gutters from the nearby buildings were leaking out onto the pavement meaning I had to dodge the puddles of muck forming. I took a slight run up to jump over a large puddle but didn’t time it perfectly. My front foot landed right in the middle of it and it was soaked through.
“For fucks sake.”
I jumped out of the puddle and shook my foot. Even my socks were wet. This was just perfect. Now I was wet. I had a shit life and a shit body and I was wet.
I looked down at the puddle. Stupid fucking puddle. I hated that puddle. I glared down into it. It was dark and grim and neon green. Wait what? I looked deeper into the puddle. What was that green thing? I realised it was a reflection. I looked up and saw what it was reflecting.
On one of the darkened buildings which built this alley, there was a large sign in its window. The sign was made up of a neon green background and black letters. The letters read;
Change your life in 30 days. Make your life in 30 days. Control your life in 30 days.
I stared at the sign. It was too perfect. I was never the biggest believer in fate or the ‘universe’ or any of that nonsense. But there must be a reason I was looking at this sign I thought. I scanned the building. It didn’t seem to be anything. Next to the window was a large glass door.
Fuck it. What’s the worst that could happen?
I walked up to the door and pushed it open. As my head rounded the door I saw a large white table against the back wall of the room. Behind the table was a man. He was dark skinned, and had short cropped hair. He was wearing a very tight fitting white t-shirt and matching trousers. He seemed to be doing some form of stretching behind the desk. I tip-toed towards him.
As I got closer I noticed his eyes were closed. His arms were held out in front of him at an angle and his knees were bent. He took a deep breath in and seemed to hold it for an inordinate amount of time.
“Erm, hello?” I said.
His eyes snapped open.
“Hello.” He said.
He didn’t move from the position he was in. He also didn’t move his eyes, he kept tight eye contact with me.
“Erm, yeah, I just saw the sign outside, what is this place?”
“So, you want to change your life?” he said.
I couldn’t place his accent. It certainly wasn’t Mancunian.
“Maybe yeah. Erm. Sorry, what is this place?”
“This is the Personal Wellbeing Centre.” He said.
He slowly brought his arms ba
ck to the side of his body. He straightened his knees to the point where he was on his tip toes.
“So, like a gym?” I asked.
“We have some fitness classes and equipment yes.”
I looked at him. I wished he’d give me a straight answer.
“Right. So, what’s the thirty-day thing?”
“Change your life in thirty days. Make your life in thirty days. Control your life in thirty days.” He said.