by Liam Hurley
“That’s what all the girls say.”
I don’t know why I said it. It just came out. I literally had no control over my mouth in that moment. Time seemed to freeze. I looked at Gemma, she looked at me. I looked at Peter, he looked at his computer. I looked back at Gemma, and thankfully, mercifully, she laughed.
“Oh, that’s where I recognise you from.” She finished laughing. “You were in the lift.”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that, I make jokes when I’m nervous.”
“Why were you nervous in the lift?”
“Well I wasn’t. I make jokes a lot.” I admitted.
“Good! That’s good, that’s exactly what we want here.” She said.
“Well that’s good.”
“I’m just going to have a read of your form Jimmy, and I might have a few questions for you.”
She picked up my form and started to scan through it. She raised her eyebrows a few times. I was hoping she wouldn’t enquire too much about Ronnie’s. She eventually looked up at me.
“So, Jimmy, how well do you know Manchester?”
“Fairly well, I’ve lived here for the last four years or so and spent plenty of time in the City Centre.”
“Okay. And what is your favourite part of Manchester?”
“Big Ben. Joking. Erm. Honestly, probably around the town hall. There’s some good restaurants and bars, and it’s an easy meeting point.”
“Okay. And what qualities do you possess which would make you a good guide to Manchester?”
“Well I’m quick on my feet, I can talk to a crowd fairly well and I’m good with directions.”
She smiled again.
“Well everything looks great here.” She waved to the form. “And you can clearly talk.”
“Phew.” I said.
“So, I say we give this a go.”
She looked to me.
“Great.” I said. “But what about the job?”
“I’m talking about the job.”
“I know, just, never mind. I was- “
“Joking?”
I smiled.
“Yes.”
“Well I’m sure the customers will like it.”
“Really?”
“Yes, most of them can’t speak English you see.”
I laughed. Gemma pulled a diary out from her desk drawer.
“So, when can you start?”
“Oh, so I’ve got it?”
“Yes.”
“Brilliant.”
“So, you can start when?”
I thought for a moment. I wanted to make it look like I had some sort of life and I didn’t just go to the Centre in the morning and then watch Can’t Pay We’ll Take It Away for the next 12 hours. I picked a day from the air.
“Erm, Tuesday?”
“Tomorrow?”
“Is it Monday?”
“Yes.”
“Then yes I suppose tomorrow.”
“That’s amazing.” She turned her head. “Peter, you can tell Igor we won’t need him, Jimmy is going to do the one o’clock.”
“Okay.” Peter chanted back and picked his phone up from his desk.
“So, Jimmy, we’re going to need you at Exchange Square at half twelve tomorrow?”
“That’s fine.”
“You’ll be meeting the group there, one of them will be able to translate for you.”
“Translate?”
“Yes, like I said, most of them won’t speak English.”
“Oh. I thought that was a joke.”
“No, I don’t think jokes are appropriate in an interview.”
I looked back at her, open-mouthed.
“Now that, was a joke.” She laughed.
I shook my head.
“Okay, fine, so where do I take them?”
“Well here’s our guide.” She pulled a small pamphlet from under her desk, emblazoned on the front was a large image of the Manchester skyline, which was eerily reminiscent of the view from Erin’s balcony. “And they have paid for… Tour Two.”
She flicked the page open and pointed to ‘Tour Two’ for me. I was still thinking about the view on the first page.
“Jimmy?”
“Sorry, sorry.” I shook the glazed look from my eyes. “So yeah, John Rylands Library, town hall, Deansgate locks, Palace Theatre and optional lunch in Chinatown.”
“Yes, they have to pay for that themselves though, but we recommend the Golden Sun, they give us a company discount.”
“Okay that’s all fine, how long should it take?”
“About two hours or so.”
“Cool, and what do I tell them?”
“Well.” She paused. “That’s the tricky bit, see normally we’d give you this.”
She ducked under her desk, pulled out a giant hardback book and slammed it down on the desk with a thud.
“It’s our cheat sheet.”
“It’s a bit big for a cheat sheet.”
“Yes, but because we need you on such short notice, I could email it to you? You can read over your locations for tomorrow tonight and then just keep your phone out tomorrow? It’s only your first one so you’re bound to make a few errors.”
“Okay. Sorry it all seems fine, like I’m happy to do it, but isn’t it a bit strange that I’ll just be walking around Manchester on my own with a load of tourists without any training?”
“Oh sorry, did I not say, you won’t be on your own.”
“I won’t be?”
“No, no. We can’t push you in at the deep end alone. I’ll be there too.”
“Oh.”
Chapter Nineteen- Getting Down in Chinatown
I struggled to sleep for any serious length of time that night. I read over my notes as best I could but there were so many dates and names to remember it seemed like an impossible task. After my few hours of tossing and turning I found myself running on the treadmill in the Centre. I was jogging along when I saw Antonio come in with his newest client. She was a tall girl with long braided hair and a very unfortunate complexion. He was talking to her about breathing technique. I smiled to myself. Even though it had only been six weeks since I started, it seemed like a life time ago since I was lying on those mats with him. That thought gave me some renewed confidence, I realised that if I could get past the early challenges of losing weight then I could certainly have a go at this new job.
I finished my work out and gave a nodded good bye to Antonio after a shower. Once I was out of the Centre I had a good few hours to kill so I decided to head to a coffee shop and look over my notes. I ordered my black coffee (no dairy when you’re smashing the weight off) and started to pour over the e-mail Gemma sent me.
There wasn’t enough time to fit in everything I needed to know, I panicked as it grew closer to half twelve and admitted I’d have to give up and try to wing it. I locked my phone and handed my third empty mug to the barista behind the counter who’d somehow managed to spell my name wrong three different times. Fucking Gymie. I pushed the door open and headed down Market Street towards Exchange Square. I passed two separate Jehovah’s Witness stands and turned down a guy trying to sell me his new R’n’B CD. I crossed the tram lines and found myself in front of Selfridges. I located a place to stand against the building. I put one leg up against the wall as I leant there in the classic cool guy pose. I kept my phone out to ensure I looked like I was busy.
After a few minutes, I saw a tram arrive and then a flash of red hair appeared from the front set of sliding doors. I waited for her to reach the other side of the lines before I set off towards her.
“Hi Gemma.” I said.
“Jimmy, hi!” she smiled. “You ready?”
“As I’ll ever be, will probably get mixed up a bit but I’ve got my cheat sheet.” I tapped my phone.
“Brilliant.”
It was awkward for a moment as we stood in silence. We spoke at the same time.
“So, where did you travel from?” I said.
“Been up to much this morn
ing?” she asked.
“Sorry.” I said. “Erm, yeah just been to the gym.”
“Oh cool, what gym do you go to?”
“The Wellbeing Centre? Round the back of the Arndale.”
“Oh, I’ve never heard of it.”
“It’s good.” I said. “Where’ve you come from?”
“Oh, I got the tram from Didsbury.”
“Didsbury?”
“Yeah, well East Didsbury is the station.”
“I live in Didsbury.” I said.
“Really?”
“Yeah, well it’s my parents’ place but yeah Didsbury.”
“Very posh.” She said.
“Ha, but don’t you live there too?”
“Yes, but not in the posh bit.”
“How do you know I live in the posh bit?”
“I can just tell.” She said.
I was about to voice my argument, maybe show her some pictures of my old University flat with the mould wallpaper, but she pointed behind me as I was forming a rebuttal.
“I think that would be our group.” She said.
I turned around and saw a group of around eight Chinese people making their way towards us. They were all wearing red anoraks, blown tightly against them by the fine Manchester winds.
“Yep, that’ll be them.” I concurred.
“They’re all yours Jimmy, I’m just going to blend in, I’m only here in case of emergency.”
“Like if they beat me up?”
“Something like that.”
I smiled as the group were in touching distance. I waved them towards me. A young teenage boy stepped forward from the group and smiled at me.
“Hello.” I said.
“Hello” he replied.
I paused for a moment, unsure of what to do next. I looked at Gemma. She nodded at me.
“Oh, yeah, so are you here for the tour?” I asked him.
“Tour. Yes, yes. We are Chen. I am Han.” He pointed at the other members of his group and then at himself.
Shit, was Chen like a family name or a group name? Best not to ask I reasoned, that could be a very dangerous line of questioning.
“Brilliant. So, are you going to be my translator?”
“Yes. I translate.”
I nodded. I took a deep breath and looked around. I realised what a great spot we were in. From our vantage points you could see the Arndale, the Printworks, Victoria Railway Station, the Corn Exchange… lots of the City Centre. I decided to launch into an opening here and now rather than at our first check point.
“Great. So.” I opened my throat in order to speak a bit louder to reach them all and make sure they could hear me. I clapped my hands together, the members of the group who weren’t looking at me snapped their heads my way. “Hello, I’m Jimmy. I’m going to be your host for today.”
Han was speaking in rapid Chinese next to me. I glanced at him. It was very distracting, however as I was very aware of Gemma watching me from the back of the group so I took a deep breath and carried on.
“So welcome to Manchester. I hope you enjoy your stay in what for me, is the best city in the world. Today we are going to see lots of different landmarks, monuments and erm, places.” I was losing my way a bit. “So, let’s get started.”
I decided to head off towards our first destination, John Ryland’s Library on Deansgate. I led the group. I looked around every few feet to make sure everyone was accounted for. Directly behind me was Han and a little old woman, and behind them were a larger group and at the back Gemma was flanked by a middle-aged couple who were nattering across her, she looked suitably bemused.
We arrived at John Rylands Library a few minutes after leaving Exchange Square. I looked around at the building as everyone gathered around me. It was amazing to see such an old building built directly amongst the most modern architecture in Manchester. The structure of the library itself was more akin to an old church than what is essentially a house for books. The red exterior clashed violently with the large glass designer shopping centre to its’ left. I marvelled up at it for a second or so longer.
“So,” I turned back to the group. “welcome to the John Rylands Library. Built in 1899 and opened to the public the following year, the library was actually built by John Rylands’ wife in memory of him.”
I paused for a moment. I was fairly happy with my opening, I’d remembered a key date but I’d forgotten his wife’s name. Han chatted away next to me and the group nodded and looked up at the building. They snapped a few pictures.
“So now we’re going to head inside and have a walk around.” I started walking towards the entrance. I turned and walked backwards with the group coming towards me. I started to talk to them as we walked on. “Why his wife built a library in his memory we can’t be sure, some say they never spoke to each other after she had a go at him for not taking the bins out, so she made an entire building filled with people sat in silence to honour their marriage…”
Two hours later we were leaving the Palace Theatre. I felt like it had actually gone okay. Everyone at least seemed entertained but it was hard to say for sure considering only Han spoke English. He was helping the elder man down the steps from the theatre so I took a moment to look for Gemma. I spotted her reading a poster on the wall.
“You going to come see it?” I said.
She turned around.
“Oh, I don’t know. I can’t even remember many songs from the nineties. Can you?” she asked.
“Erm, one or two.” I smiled. “So, how do you think it went?”
I nodded towards the Chens who were snapping pictures of each other up against the replica Spice Bus which was parked in front of the theatre.
“Well, how do you think it went?” she asked.
“Erm, okay yeah, I forgot a lot of dates and names but I felt like they enjoyed it.”
“I’d say so too.” She said.
“Anything I could do better?”
“Just be yourself. Let your personality come out.”
“Right. Okay yeah I can do that.”
“Not too much though.” she said.
“What?”
“Joking.”
“Fuck- “
“Jimmy?” said a voice behind me.
I turned around.
“Yes Han?” I said.
“We go eat now?”
“Yeah yeah of course. Just give me a second.” I held a finger up and turned back to Gemma.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“They want to eat.”
“So?”
“Well you said take them to Chinatown.”
“Yeah.”
“They’re Chinese though. I can’t take Chinese people to Chinatown, they might think I’m being… insensitive.”
“No, it’ll be fine.” She said.
I turned back to Han.
“Erm, so, Han, what food do you want?”
“Food Jimmy, food. Chicken, beef, prawn, vegetable?”
Great, that really narrowed it down.
“So… Italian, Indian, erm, pub grub?”
“Pub grub?” he repeated.
“Like Wetherspoons?”
“I do not know this word Jimmy, what is Wetherspoons?”
“It’s like a chain. Erm. No. Forget it.”
I looked to Gemma. I sighed.
“Fuck it.” I said. “Han, do you want to go to Chinatown?”
Walking through Chinatown with a group of legitimately Chinese people was a very surreal moment. They were jabbering amongst each other and pointing to signs written in letters I couldn’t understand. Ten minutes earlier we’d walked passed a Yates’ pub and now it felt like I’d been dropped in the middle of Beijing. I realised in that moment I was no longer leading this tour, I was now in fact being led by the entire group. Gemma was at the front of the group talking to Han. I looked to my left to see the little old woman smiling up at me. She pulled a hard-boiled sweet from her pocket and offered it to me. I took it and thank
ed her. I put it in my mouth. I instantly regretting doing so as it was rock solid but tasted like it had been dipped in salt. My mouth was drying up but I had to fake a smile back at the woman.