by John Goode
“But I have no idea what to do.” I swear to you, I was seriously trying not to whine.
“You will. Until then, be the guy in love with him.” She shook her head. “The two of you are so far ahead of the game, it’s silly. Finding the person who makes you want to rush in and save them is almost impossible in this world. Everything else is easy after that. Stop worrying.”
It was good advice, but I still felt like crap. I think she knew it, but she knew not to keep talking too.
“I’ll get your fries. You sure you don’t want a burger?” She watched me think and nodded at the same time I did. Weird. “Yeah that’s one burger too. Coming right up.”
She walked away, leaving me to sort out all the crap running around in my head. I really had no one else to ask to help with Kyle’s idea; to be honest, asking Tyler and Robbie was me going after the longest long shots I could have found. Gayle brought me my food, and I nibbled on a fry and tried not to feel completely useless.
Then my phone vibrated.
Kyle: Where r u?
Just seeing a text from him could get me to smile with insane levels of happiness.
Brad: At Nancys trying not 2 go home yet.
It took a few seconds, and he responded.
Kyle: BRT
I had to laugh; for someone whose last phone was barely a step up from a tin can and string, he sure had figured out text speak pretty fast. I took my knife and cut the burger in half and divided the fries into two piles as I waited. Five minutes later, Jennifer’s car pulled up in front of the diner, and Kyle got out and waved at me.
I felt my face light up as I waved back and then waved at Jennifer before she drove off.
He strode in and tossed his backpack under the table as he sat next to me. “Hey, you,” he said, leaning over to kiss me.
I kissed him back, and the feelings of idiocy I had been feeling all day faded a little. “Hey back.”
He looked down at my plate, and his eyes got wide. “Did you wait to eat until I got here?”
I slid my plate closer to him. “I even decided to share.”
“Oh God, this is the best thing I’ve seen all day.” He grabbed half of the burger and took a huge bite. “We’ve been running around all day, and we didn’t stop to eat.” He chewed contently and looked over at me. “I love you so much for this.”
I looked at him, confused. “It’s a burger.”
He shook his head. “No, it was your burger, and now it’s ours. That’s pretty damn awesome.” I felt a warmth in my chest as he leaned closer to me and took another bite. “Not a lot of guys would wait to eat until their flake of a boyfriend could show up. That’s why I love you.”
I slipped my arm around him and pulled him against me. “How did you get to be so awesome?”
He smiled and shrugged at me. “Genetics?”
We both laughed as we finished the burger.
THE WEEK flew by, and the news got worse and worse.
Kyle had looked up the rules for an after-school club, and not only did it need an adult there but a full-fledged teacher to boot. So my plan of somehow getting Mr. Parker made an assistant coach wouldn’t have worked, because he wouldn’t have been an actual teacher with a degree and all that. At lunch I brought up asking Mrs. A. again, but Kyle was dead set against it.
“No, she was scared of something. I don’t think that’s the way to go.”
Jennifer sighed and tossed her sandwich into the trash. “This school sucks.” She sounded so defeated I was kind of shocked. “Any of you want to cut the rest of the day?”
Sammy raised her hand. She looked like a zombie as well. Most of the school was walking around like that, half-asleep, not sure what to do anymore. I’d seen the look everywhere lately, even my own mirror.
I looked at Kyle, and he gave me an “I don’t know” look in return. “I better not,” I said finally. “They’re barely letting me play baseball as it is. If I end up cutting too much, it’s just another reason for them to kick me off.”
Jennifer stared at me for a long couple of seconds, and for a moment I thought she was mad at me. With as much anger as I had ever heard in her voice she said, “I hate this fucking school,” turned around, and stormed off.
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked Sammy and Kyle.
Sammy got up and tossed her Pepsi can in the trash. “No, she’s just… we’re all just brain dead, Brad. This school sucks so bad that a guy shot himself to not come here. What does that say about Foster?”
“That it needs to change,” Kyle answered immediately.
She looked at Kyle with a thousand-yard stare and just sighed. “Then more power to you.” And she walked away.
“What’s going on?” Kyle asked me once they were both gone. “Am I pushing too hard? I thought the alliance thing would be a good idea, and the only way we’re going to get it is if we bring it up at the meeting Friday. After that they’ll never agree… should I just shut up?”
Gayle’s words came back to me, and I smiled.
“No. You’re not giving up,” I said, looking him straight in the eyes. “They’re tired, worn down. They just need some time. So we have two more days. What’s your next plan?”
“I don’t have a next one,” he said sadly.
“You will,” I assured him. “We aren’t beat yet.”
Suddenly, I understood what Gayle had said, and keeping Kyle’s head in the game wasn’t me being a dumb waste of space. After school we went to the library, and he dug through the school rules, trying to find some kind of loophole or some sneaky way to get around it while I sat next to him and looked up what a gay-straight alliance was.
A gay-straight alliance is where kids of all kinds could get together and talk about stuff that was important to them. If you were gay and had questions about being gay, you could ask them. If you were straight and wanted to ask gay people stuff, you could. They generally educated people on the different days, like coming-out day, or no-name-calling week. Both seemed like a long shot, but it was cool that someone was trying to have them. Generally it was a place, once a week, that kids could go to and feel safe no matter what. They weren’t freaks, they weren’t fags, they were just kids. And though I doubt I would have ever stepped into one before meeting Kyle, I could see how having one was important.
“I got nothing,” he said, sighing in frustration. “There is no way to get around not having a teacher.”
I grabbed his hand and gave him a smile. “We’ll figure something out.”
When I dropped him off at his house, he looked about ready to give up. I didn’t blame him. I think he knew more about the school charter than the school board did now. He was halfway out of the car when I reminded him. “Hey, you know if this doesn’t happen, it’s in no way your fault, right?” His expression told me that was the exact way he was looking at it. “Kyle, you didn’t make Foster this messed-up of a town.”
In a small voice, he answered, “I feel like I have.” He slid back into his seat again and closed the door. “What if I never came out? What if I just shut my mouth and kept my head down? Kelly wouldn’t have attacked me, and you wouldn’t have had to jump in. Maybe he would be alive, and you’d be better off.”
I turned off the car and turned fully to look at him. “Look, there is no better place for me than right here with you right now, so get that crap out of your head. I liked guys before you, and Kelly felt like he did way before he met you. What he decided to do was his choice, and a fucking stupid one at that. You know how hard you tried to help him, and he still pulled away. That isn’t on you; that is on every ass hat out there who thought it would be funny to make fun of a queer kid.” Sighing, I put my hand on his. “You can’t blame yourself for not being able to change everything all at once. You tried—hell, you’re still trying—and if it doesn’t happen, that isn’t your fault.”
“Then whose is it?” he asked me back.
I hated that I didn’t have an answer to that.
He kissed m
e good night and went inside. I drove home, determined more than ever to find a way to help him.
When I walked into my house, I could smell dinner from the doorway and felt my stomach growl in response. I slipped off my shoes and headed toward the smell of food like a hungry dog. My mom was stirring a bowl of mashed potatoes when I walked in. “How did I guess the instant dinner was ready you’d walk in the room?” I smiled at her and then tried to look behind her to see what was in the stove. “Not a chance!” she said, kicking playfully at me. “Go wash up first.”
Groaning, I turned around and went upstairs to wash up.
I tossed a clean shirt on and tried to think about Kyle’s problem from a new point of view. We needed a teacher, and the only teacher who would do it would get fired if she tried. I felt a headache coming on, so I took two Tylenol before I went back downstairs to eat.
I set the table in silence while I went over and over again the list of teachers in my head. Who would be so stupid to put their head in that lion’s mouth knowing how Mr. Raymond hated Kyle and me already? I must have been lost in thought because my mom tossed a dishrag at me to get my attention.
“Have you heard a word I’ve said?” she asked.
I grimaced at her. “You were talking?” I saw her mouth curl up in frustration, and I added, “I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind and zoned out. What did you say?”
She paused, and her eyes seemed to look right through me for a second. “Well, I was asking you how school has been, but I can tell not that good. What’s up?”
I sat down at the table and tried to organize my thoughts. “Was there a gay club at Foster back in the day?” She didn’t look like it registered to her. “Tyler said there were rumors of a gay club when he was a student, and Kyle went to talk to Mrs. Axeworthy about it and….”
I could see by the look on her face she knew that name.
“It wasn’t a gay club,” my mom said carefully. “Not in any official way.”
“But there was one?” I asked her.
“There was an incident,” she commented neutrally. “And a couple of people got in trouble about it.”
“Why?” I asked, feeling like I’d stumbled onto a murder mystery.
“Brad, I’m not sure I can talk about this with you. What happened was technically sealed. No one was supposed to talk about it.” She paused and looked at me. “Did Mrs. Axeworthy say something?”
“No, Kyle wants to start a gay-straight alliance at school, and we need a teacher to run it. And when we asked her she got really weird, almost scared.”
“I can’t imagine parents letting something like that be set up at Foster,” she commented as she pulled out the roast.
“It’s a place where kids can get together and talk about being gay or ask questions and be safe. I mean, what is wrong with that?”
“And if their questions are about sex?” she asked me. “What then?”
“Mom, do you think there is anything about sex we are going to learn in a school club that we can’t find on the Internet?”
She seemed to consider it as she sliced up the roast. “Well, I never really thought about it. We were presented with the parent’s accusation, but the board never got to talk to either one of them personally. All we were told was that she had admitted she let the kids talk about sex in front of her, and that was enough.” She saw the look of outrage on my face and added. “It was a different time.”
“So then why not now?” I asked her, standing up. “Why can’t we talk about sex?”
She stopped what she was doing and looked over at me. “Brad, there are just some things that just aren’t talked about in school, and gay sex is pretty high up there.”
“Oh, but health class and sex education is okay as long as it’s straight? Mom, gay kids have nowhere to go in this town, nowhere. If there was a place they could have, maybe Kelly might still be alive. You have to see that!”
She put the knife down and motioned me to sit down next to her. “I don’t know if Foster is ready for something like that.”
And suddenly I knew what Kyle felt.
“I don’t care what Foster is ready for, Mom. This is happening, right now. There are gay kids out there who are thinking about killing themselves, and the fact that a bunch of old, straight people have a problem with that doesn’t matter to me. My friend is dead, and we all talked about making this town a better place so it won’t happen again. That needs to happen now, not when Foster is ready for it.”
I got up and began to walk out of the kitchen.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” she asked as I walked away.
“I’m not hungry,” I answered truthfully and went upstairs before I started crying again.
THE FRIDAY of the meeting, I kept expecting a miracle to happen somehow. Like there was this unheard of rule or last-minute thing we could do to change it in the nick of time. I know Kyle was dying to storm into the meeting again, but there was no point, since the last time they’d made it pretty clear we weren’t allowed in. Jennifer and Sammy waited with us until the meeting got out, but they didn’t seem to have much hope that something was going to happen.
I hated to say it, but I knew exactly how they felt.
When the meeting let out, most of the school board proceeded past us without even a glance. As always, we were beneath their station, so they didn’t need to actually acknowledge us or anything. Mr. Raymond followed behind them. He gave us a chilling stare as he walked by. Finally, I saw both Kyle’s and my mom walk out with Jennifer’s dad right behind them.
Mrs. Axeworthy was walking with them.
Kyle’s mom saw us and said, “How did I know you guys would be sitting out here waiting?”
“How bad did it go?” Kyle asked, his voice laced with disappointment.
Mrs. Axeworthy looked at him and smiled. “That’s a funny story.”
KYLE
WE WALKED out of Mrs. Axeworthy’s office without saying a word.
Once again, something was up in Foster, and once again, no one was talking. The not talking? No surprise. The way Brad had said we would keep fighting had shocked me. I had never heard him sound so… determined. So of course I asked him about it.
He stopped and looked me squarely in the eyes. I could always tell when he was serious; the green in his eyes got darker somehow. Maybe it was my imagination or just the light, but when Brad meant something, it was obvious to anyone with eyes. “Look, you think this is important, so it is important. I didn’t do a thing to help you with Kelly, and that was a mistake, one I am not making again.”
I was blown away by the declaration. I had no idea he felt so strongly about it. “You didn’t make a mistake,” I told him quietly.
“Yes I did,” he responded instantly. “But never again.”
The bell rang, and I knew fifth period just got out. “I need to go meet Jennifer…,” I said, not wanting to leave him.
He smiled and nodded toward the parking lot. “Go. We still don’t have practice, so I’ll be helping Tyler out. Call me when you’re done.”
I nodded and then gave him a hug. “You are the best,” I said, squeezing him.
“Not yet,” he said, hugging me back. “But give me time.”
I didn’t have time to debate him on his awesomeness, so instead I kissed him and ran toward the parking lot to meet Jennifer.
At first I thought I had beat her to the parking lot since her car was there, but she wasn’t waiting outside for me to show up. After a second, I realized she was in the car, and it looked like she was crying. I opened the door, and Amy Lee’s voice came screaming from the stereo. Jennifer was so surprised by me she didn’t know if she should cover her face or turn the music down, so she fumbled at both for a couple of seconds.
I reached over and turned the volume down as I got into the car.
“I really do think this car is trying to kill me,” she said, wiping her eyes quickly.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her, completely unprepa
red for her tears.
She sniffled quietly and looked at me in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?” she asked me back. I shook my head since I really was that confused. “Kyle, I love you to death, but sometimes you have no idea what is going on around you at all.”
I mentally backtracked in my head. “Is this about Kelly?”
She shook her head and started the car. “It isn’t important. Where are we going?”
I reached over and turned the car back off. “Nowhere until you tell me what’s wrong.” She looked at me like she was ready to fight, and I begged her. “Please, Jennifer, I just want to help.”
She sighed and fell back into her seat. “Of course it’s about Kelly. What else is there?” My desire was to say something to make her feel better, but I stopped myself since I wanted her to keep talking. “We’re all feeling it, Kyle, and honestly I don’t know how the rest of them are dealing with it. I know I’m dying inside.”
She didn’t say anything for a few seconds, which seemed like a good time to jump in. “It’s okay to miss Kelly. It’s okay to be sad about it too.”
She gave a scoffing laugh and looked at me intensely. “You’re not kidding, are you? You have no idea what we’re feeling.” The last part was a declaration instead of a question, and I felt like a complete idiot because I had no clue what she was talking about.
“What’s wrong?” I implored her again.
She looked away from me and put both hands on the wheel like she was steadying herself for a response. Taking a deep breath, she finally admitted, “We’re killing ourselves because of the guilt, Kyle.”
“Guilt about what?” Now she was scaring me.
She looked over at me, and it was like looking at some weird mutant clone of Jennifer instead of the real one. Where the old Jennifer was all strength and brass, this one was haunted and defeated. She had given up inside; her body just hadn’t stopped moving yet. But as shocking as she looked, it was nothing compared to what she said.