Wanted

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “Oh, Katie. You do make me laugh! I knew I was right to pay you a visit.”

  “Your timing couldn’t have been better.”

  Immediately concern filled Anna’s green eyes. “Why? Are you having a difficult time?”

  Though Katie would have loved to cry on her friend’s shoulder and tell all, she knew better than to give into such foolishness. She’d wanted to be at Jonathan’s home. She’d fought and cajoled her way to be here. She certainly didn’t want to seem ungrateful or flighty—or inept. Especially not after she’d been giving Anna so much advice about managing an Amish household.

  However, there was one matter that she was justifiably nervous about. Something that made even the most exacting housekeeper shudder and fret about. “I just heard today that we will be hosting church services here in two weeks’ time.”

  Anna’s eyes widened. “Are you sure? I was sure Irene told me it was the Barr’s turn to host.”

  “The Barr’s youngest has been sick with tonsillitis. Now the doctor says the tonsils need to come out. In light of that, Jonathan volunteered his home.”

  “Oh, Katie. We have a lot to do.”

  That was somewhat of an understatement. Holding church services was a big undertaking. The whole house would need to be cleaned top to bottom, food prepared, and room made for the benches and tables. “Thank you for saying ‘we.’”

  Anna laughed. “Of course I’ll help you. Why, we all will!” Looking around, she asked, “I haven’t been here for church before. Where does Jonathan usually hold the services?”

  Katie pointed to the door that led to the bottom floor. “In the basement. There’s lots of room.”

  “Enough to seat two hundred people on benches?”

  “Jonathan says so. Luckily, the area shouldn’t need too much work to be ready to host. It’s fairly clean and tidy and is sparsely furnished. There is also a door that leads outside so everyone won’t track mud and dirt through the house. It’s everything else that makes my stomach turn in knots.”

  “What do you plan to serve?”

  “The usual fare. Coffee and tea to drink. Trail bologna sandwiches, with fresh bread and relishes. And of course, peanut butter and jelly for the kinner.” Katie thought some more. “Oh, and cookies. I thought we’d have cowboy bars, oatmeal cookies, and snowballs.”

  “Your mamm and I can do the baking. We’ll bake the bread and cookies.”

  “Danke. Some other ladies will come over next week to help me clean.”

  Anna reached out and clasped her hand. “Everything will work out just fine. I feel certain.”

  Katie smiled. “That’s what I told Jonathan. However, I have to warn you he didn’t look as confident as you sound.”

  “He doesn’t know you like I do. Remember, you are the woman who taught me to cook for a crowd. If you can do that, you can handle this.”

  “I’m glad you have so much faith in me.” Turning back to the beautiful quilt fabric in front of her, Katie said, “But for now I want to spend some time on this quilt. That is important, too.”

  They both started organizing the fabric. It was almost impossible to sit still when there was quilting to do. Anna eyed Katie a little more closely. “So are you going to tell me how things are going?”

  “You heard what I said.”

  “And, I also heard what you did not say. Come on Katie, this is me.”

  Anna was right. Maybe her ear really was what Katie needed. A friendly person to listen objectively. “All right,” she said haltingly. “Things have been…more difficult than I had imagined.”

  “How so?”

  “I don’t rightly know. Things have been awkward in so many ways. I’m having trouble finding my place here. I had hoped that Jonathan and I might have some time together, but that seems like it will never happen.”

  “It’s only been a few weeks.”

  But what an isolated time it had been! “That is true.”

  “How are the girls?”

  “Confused. Hannah is a dear, but Mary harbors a lot of anger, I tell you. She doesn’t trust me.”

  “It must be hard, losing her mother.”

  “I’m sure it is. There’s been lots of other changes, too. Jonathan’s working at the lumberyard has been a hard adjustment, I’m thinkin’. The girls were used to knowing he was close by even if they didn’t see him.”

  After hesitating about whether to divulge more information, Katie decided to add some more. “And, then there’s everything going on with Winnie.”

  Anna leaned forward. “I’ve been thinking a bit about her trip and that first meeting with Malcolm. Have you heard from her? Was Malcolm everything she’d thought he was going to be? Is she happy?”

  “Anna! You sure you’ve only been thinking about her trip a ‘bit’?”

  “Okay. Maybe more than a little bit. Though we don’t know each other too well, I do hope the best for her. I know how hard it is to jump into a new situation. So, what have you heard?”

  Thinking back to the sound of Winnie’s voice, Katie hedged. “Well, she called Jonathan at the lumberyard to let us know she arrived safe and sound. The Troyers have a phone booth at the end of their road to use for emergencies and such.”

  “I’m pleased to hear that, but I’m more curious as to how she’s finding Malcolm. Did she say? How are they getting along, face to face?”

  Katie looked at her friend with a new awareness. “I’m now realizing that you are not terribly hopeful about Winnie’s trip.”

  This time it was obvious that Anna was the one who was choosing her words carefully. “I’m hopeful that she finds happiness.”

  “But you don’t think Winnie will?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “It’s what you are not saying that interests me. Truly, Anna, you don’t sound as if you hold out much hope for a happy ending for Malcolm and Winnie.”

  “I don’t, not exactly. Before she left, Winnie seemed so eager to find Malcolm as everything she wanted. I’m afraid that she will either not see his faults or not take the time to really get to know him,” Anna said, not looking away. “This sounds obvious, but people are hard to really know. Sometimes it takes weeks or months to see who the real person is. Sometimes first impressions can be so misleading.”

  “You are speaking of Rob, aren’t you?”

  Anna looked away. “It’s hard for me not to think of Rob when I hear about Winnie’s excitement to meet the man behind his letters. I mean, on the surface Rob looked polished and handsome and successful. He was running for a seat in the House of Representatives. It was only after we’d become serious that I realized how controlling and abusive he was. It’s easy to only look at the surface of people. Far harder when you dig deeper. We all have so many layers on for reasons.”

  “Even Henry?”

  Anna grinned. “Most especially Henry. He’d been hurt when Rachel left him for the Englischer. When we first started talking, I was sure he was just a sour, glum man.”

  “And he thought you were simply a spoiled, flighty fancy girl.”

  Anna looked serious again. “We were lucky, because we found out that our hearts matched and complimented each other. That isn’t always the case, though.”

  “No, I imagine not.”

  Rubbing a worn spot on the wooden table, Anna added, “You might not know about this, but there’s lots of stories in the news about men and women who pretend to be something they aren’t on the Internet. That makes me wonder about this man’s letters. Malcolm may have good intentions, but he may not be everything he says he is. It’s only natural to want to downplay a person’s flaws.”

  “I don’t believe Winnie is finding that to be true. While she hasn’t sounded over the moon about Malcolm, she sounds happy enough in the letters we’ve received so far.”

  “I hope she will be.”

  “I do, too. Maybe we shouldn’t worry so much, Anna. I’ve learned that Winnie is a woman of strong will and character. She might want to
be in love, but she is no dummkopp, no dunce. If this man has shortcomings, she’ll discover them.” Katie shrugged. “In any case, because of Winnie’s trip, I think the girls are even more unsettled. I think they’ve overheard Winnie talk about her wish to one day be with Malcolm. To them, it’s one more person stepping out of their lives.”

  “You’ll win them over.”

  “With the Lord’s help I might.” Katie did not say that lightly. She was finding so many stumbling blocks, it would be a miracle if the girls and she reached common ground any time soon. Pushing the quilt project to one side, she stood up and smoothed her skirt. “I suppose I’d better get started on supper.”

  As they entered the kitchen, Katie motioned to a plate in the sink, where she’d set out pork chops to thaw. “I thought I’d season these for a bit before I bake them.” Suddenly she doubted everything about herself. “Does…does that sound like a gut idea?”

  Anna squeezed her hand. “You are a wonderful good cook. I imagine anything you make will be tasty.”

  Katie couldn’t believe how much she needed to continually hear the praise. She’d always thought of herself as a strong woman, but at the moment, she’d never felt more alone and weak. “I thought we’d have applesauce, too. I made some yesterday.”

  “All kinner like applesauce.”

  The Amish way of speaking of children perked Katie right up. “You sound mighty gut, Anna. I bet your guests at the inn think you are Amish, born and raised.”

  Anna giggled. “As long as I can tell them about where to shop, they are happy.”

  “And answer all their questions.”

  “Oh, all those questions! Someone asked me the other day if I had an alarm clock in my room. She had supposed a rooster woke me up every morning.”

  Katie laughed merrily. “Oh, can’t you see my daed, having to fuss with a noisy rooster every morning? We’d be having it for supper after a week.”

  “I’d eat it, too. Well, as long as I didn’t have to cook it.”

  “Don’t worry, Anna. No one would ask you to.”

  They laughed again, barely catching their breath before Anna would mention another funny story about one of the guests.

  Impulsively, Katie reached out and hugged her hard. “I’m so glad you came.”

  “Me, too.” As the sense of true warmth and friendship flowed through them, Anna’s eyes widened in alarm. “Oh my goodness, we got so busy talking about things, I almost forgot to give you this.” She pulled a white envelope out of her patchwork tote bag.

  From the moment she recognized the handwriting, Katie felt dizzy. “Where did you get this? Did it come to the house? To the inn?”

  “No. It was left at McClusky’s store. Sam handed it to Henry and me the other day.”

  Obviously Holly was still determined to talk to her. Why? It just didn’t make sense. When she noticed Anna studying her carefully, Katie did her best to act nonchalant. “Well, thank you for delivering this. I’ll uh, read it later.”

  “Huh?”

  Katie felt her cheeks heat. Even to her own ears her words sounded stilted and awkward. “I’m sure it’s nothing important. Thank you—”

  Before Katie could reach for the envelope, Anna set it on the counter. “Enough with games. Henry said this was the second envelope you’ve received. What is going on?”

  Struggling to keep her voice even and true, Katie said, “Nothing. I received a letter, Anna, not a bomb.”

  “I know something’s going on. No one receives letters at a store.”

  “The Amish—”

  “Don’t ‘Amish’ me,” Anna retorted crisply. “I may struggle with a lot of things, but like Winnie, I am no dunce. You have a mailbox. There’s got to be a reason you’re not receiving letters here at home. Tell me what is going on. Let me help you.”

  Shame, and the pure petrifying worry of what was in the letter, kept Katie from divulging all. Her past troubles were her own problems to bear—no one else’s. “I am having some…difficulty, but it’s nothing you can help me with.”

  “What kind of difficulty? And why wouldn’t I be able to help you?”

  “You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Of course I would. Katie, I lived most of my life in the outside world and seen some shady sides of it.” With a look of amusement, she added, “I’ve seen more hours of daytime television that you can imagine. Believe me, there’s nothing you could say that would shock me.”

  Perhaps that was right. But Anna had one thing Katie never had—an openness about her. Katie always preferred to look as perfect as possible to the people in her community. By doing that, she was able to keep her private struggles to herself. And the plain truth was that there was nothing Anna could do to help her, anyway. She had made the mistakes. She was the one who had hurt people. Therefore, it was up to her to solve the problem. “I’m not ready to discuss it.”

  Anna stepped right through her fragile barrier and pushed some more. “Won’t you at least tell me who is writing you?”

  “It doesn’t matter. You wouldn’t know her.”

  Anna grabbed hold of the clue. “Why wouldn’t I? Sam said she looks desperate. Why do you think that is? What does she want? How did you meet her?”

  The panic was back. Engulfing. “I meant…I meant…oh, stop, Anna! There’s no reason for you to be involved.”

  “I care about you. I see how worried you are. That’s reason enough for me to be involved.” Reaching out for Katie, she gripped her arm. “So it’s an English girl writing you?”

  “Anna, I would rather not discuss it.”

  “Where did you meet her? At the general store? At Mr. McClusky’s?”

  “No.”

  “Where then? At the inn?”

  “Let’s not speak of it, please.”

  “But I’m confused. Katie, we used to write to each other all the time. I’ve also seen you chat with any number of Englischers at the inn. It seems strange that these letters you are receiving are bothering you so much. Who do you not want to speak to? Why does this woman not even know where you live?”

  “I’d rather not say.”

  “Katie, I promise that you’ll feel better if you let someone else share your burden.”

  “Anna—”

  But still Anna fired off another question. “Are you worried someone wants to do you harm? Is it safe for you to be alone?”

  As much as she hated to shoo away her visitor, Katie resolutely walked to the kitchen door and lifted Anna’s coat off the peg. Having Anna involved would not solve Katie’s problems and only bring a lot of new ones to Anna.

  And no matter what she had done so far, at least she hadn’t brought trouble into her friend’s life. Anna didn’t deserve that. No one did. Taking care to keep her expression blank, she said, “Thank you for stopping by and for delivering the letter. Thank you, also, for offering to help so much with the services.”

  “You’re welcome. And, I’ll share the news about you hosting with your mother, though I imagine she’s most likely heard about it by now. Irene seems to know everyone and everything around here.”

  Katie knew that was almost true. “When Jonathan brings the wagon with the benches, dishes, tablecloths, and such, I’ll look forward to your help.”

  “You can count on it.” Reluctantly, Anna stood up. “Pushing your problems away doesn’t solve anything, you know. They’ll still be there until you face them. I know that more than anyone.”

  Anna shook her head. “I tell you, no one would ever guess how stubborn you really are, Katie. You look so sweet and innocent.” With a small smile, she said, “Promise me you’ll let me help you the moment you are ready to talk.”

  Katie liked how Anna phrased her offer. It reminded Katie that Anna knew about keeping secrets and not always feeling able to share them. “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Hold on. I could visit you tomorrow?”

  “We both have work to do, Anna. I’ll see you soon.”

  “But—”
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  Katie practically shut the door on her friend. “I’m sorry,” she whispered to the thick wooden frame. “I’m sorry but I just couldn’t take another question.”

  But more than that, she just couldn’t make herself lie anymore.

  Her body shuddered. She felt out of breath, like she’d just run a long distance in the cold. Yes, that was what her body felt like—frozen.

  Outside the door, Katie heard Anna talk to Stanley, her buggy horse. She couldn’t help but smile at her friend’s chatter. Anna was truly determined to treat her buggy horse like a pet.

  Still the letter waited.

  Time had proven that pushing things off to the side didn’t make things go away. No, it just delayed what was bound to happen. With thick fingers, she tore open the letter.

  This time only a few hastily written words greeted her.

  WHY DIDN’T YOU MEET ME? Katie, this is important. I won’t go away. Meet me at the Brown Dog on Sunday. Please.

  I won’t go away.

  That was a threat, indeed. It also sounded much like a fact. For whatever reason Holly had, she was not going to give up or give in. And unfortunately, she felt very sure that Holly did intend to find her. After all, what did Holly have to lose?

  Katie had so much to lose. After she’d spent one agonizing night thinking about how her life would be if she never joined the order, Katie had made the decision to tell everything to Holly and Brandon and never see them again.

  After Holly had gone between tears and anger, and Brandon had simply stared at her in shock, Katie had gone home and tried to be the person her mother had raised her to be. If all the truth came out—about how close she’d come to giving everything up for Brandon—Katie felt like she’d lose everything she was and everything she’d tried so hard to be.

  And what about Jonathan? Would he not want a woman like that raising his girls? Perhaps every hope she’d had for a life with Jonathan would vanish into thin air.

  It was impossible to think of. It was all she could think about.

  Feeling dizzy and sick, Katie rushed to the door and scrambled outside. Ready to share the awful note with Anna after all.

  Ready to accept help.