Nothing but Darkness

by Maria Ann Green

  “Ladies first.” She’s going to kick my ass, which I bet she’ll love.

  “I hope you left your pride in the car. Because, kid, I’m going to murder you.” Oh, she’ll love this alright. Determined, cocky, ready to kill. She sounds like me with a playmate.

  “I bet you the first round of drinks I can keep up for at least five frames.”

  “You’re on. It will be so fun to torture you.” Her devilish grin is made creepier by the lighting and her evil laughter, but I can’t keep my own hysterics quiet at her attempt to look sinister. She has no idea what real darkness looks like in someone. Though, she sure looks adorable pretending.

  ****

  After Bee kicks my ass bowling, I bring back two rounds to the lane for our second game, which I lose even worse than the first. Her happiness is clear, making the evening even more fun than I’d anticipated. She keeps throwing out jokes absurdly appropriate for what I was off doing before without any idea how funny murder and torture can be.

  “You know, you’re not what I expected, Sheppard.” Her honesty catches me off guard. We’ve been cracking jokes and poking jabs at each other for the last hour, so it’s unexpected.

  “Did you expect me to be an asshole?” If she’s going to lay it out, let’s get everything on the table. Well, everything that wouldn’t warrant a call to 911.

  “Pretty much.” She turns to throw yet another strike. I walk to the lane while she remains rooted to the spot. There’s a sparkle in her eyes that reminds me of the one I saw at her house. It’s secretive, sinister. And then again, like before, it vanishes. It could have been lighting. “There’s a lot more to you than I saw at first. I’m glad I was wrong.”

  “You sure were.” I wink at her. Then I move in even closer until my face is an inch away. I can feel the warmth from her lips as they still in front of mine. I run my fingers from her shoulders to her wrists, looking straight into her eyes the entire time. She struggles to keep her eyes open as I utter just above a whisper, “I don’t fit into a neat little box. I’m not like anyone you’ve been out with before. And gladly I can say the same for you. Just try to give us a chance.”

  Us? I meant to say “give me a chance,” but “us” slipped out.

  Bee sucks in a sharp breath, and instead of indulging her by pressing my lips to hers, I step to the side then over to the lane. I throw a strike, too, and turn to see her staring off into space in the same position I left her.

  I wish I could hear what’s going through her mind.

  I walk up behind her, this time letting my lips graze the bottom of her ear lobe. “Your turn, bowling queen. You seem a bit distracted all of a sudden, but if you want to slaughter me for the last game you better step it up.” I lean back and chuckle.

  Bee spins on her heel, showing me how well she can play under pressure. She does kill me, and worse than either of the games before, just to spite me I think.

  ****

  We take a cab from the bowling alley to our next destination, since we’ve both had a few drinks. There’s no way I’m trashing my car or looking like an idiot for insisting I can drive.

  “Where are we going next?” Bee was disappointed when I handed the driver our next address on a slip of paper instead of saying it out loud.

  “You’ll just have to wait and see.” I’ve never planned a surprise for anyone, probably not since I was a kid. I’ve been missing out, because this is fun.

  “How the heck am I going to top this for our third date?” she asks, and I just smile.

  I guess I don’t have to ask if we’ll be seeing each other again after tonight. That is, unless I do something stupid like blurt out what made me late. Then she’d likely change her mind about wanting another date.

  “You’re pretty smart. I bet you’ll think of something.” She returns my smile of confidence, and for the first time, something changes in the air around us. Something electric charges, and I can almost see a current between us even though we aren’t touching.

  My line of sight moves from her eyes down to her lips, and I have an urge stronger than anything I’ve felt before; it’s more powerful even than urges I’ve had to kill. I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone more than I want to right now.

  But before I can react, the cabbie slams on the breaks, sending us both toward the plastic partition. “Fucking idiots,” he mumbles under his breath. Bee cracks up, throwing her head back, while I let out a long, annoyed sigh.

  Moment ruined.

  ****

  After the odd incident in the cab we don’t have one like it again, making me wonder if I was the only one who felt it. Maybe I imagined the whole thing. Either way, we continue chatting like nothing happened, her cleverness on par with earlier.

  The cab drops us off at the casino, and I hold her hand walking in. She doesn’t pull away, and her grip is strong. When we get inside, our first stop is for another set of drinks, which she gets this time.

  “Are you trying to liquor me up?” Bee lets out a soft little hiccup after finishing her girly drink.

  “You idiot, you bought this round.” I shake my head in feigned disappointment while one corner of my mouth remains turned up.

  “Oh, yeah. Well, I’m trying to get you drunk, then.” This time a louder hiccup escapes between her lips as she nods, widening her eyes, trying to look dirty. The effect is lost with the squeak at the end of her hiccup. It’s a high-pitched little sound that’s the most endearing thing I’ve ever heard.

  Jesus fucking Christ, I’m losing it.

  “Then you’re in for an expensive night, because I’m not a cheap date. I can hold my drink.” Which is a good thing. I don’t need to get drunk enough to spill my guts like I almost did with Jason at the cabin. And if I were to dive too far into the pool of alcohol, I just might let those dirty secrets out to Bee. There’s something about her that’s been making me want to be totally honest. Like a fucking moron.

  Maybe I should turn tail to run, because that’s a terrifying thought.

  “Well, shit.” She starts to double over with laughter as we stroll between the slot machines, looking for the best one to play.

  We put money into machines here or there, but neither of us is on a streak yet. We weave through the drunks and grandparents, searching for our big win. I rub her shoulders each time she picks one to sit in front of and play on. She continues to giggle with the sweet sound as well as throw insults and smart-ass comments my way. A few times I catch myself looking at her a bit too long.

  After losing at the blackjack table, we walk around once more through the haze of cigarette smoke. Another swell of something I can’t describe starts deep in my gut and rises up. I reach for Bee’s hand, and we move along through the maze of machines and noise, holding onto our cold drinks, with our other fingers intertwined.

  I haven’t held hands with a girl since I was in middle school.

  And now I’ve done it twice tonight.

  As the cab’s fare continues to rise, I walk Bee to her door at the end of our evening.

  “The sun will be up soon.”

  I have no idea how to finish out this date. I don’t think I’ve ever walked a woman to her door, not even in high school. I guess I’ve pretty much always been an asshole. And the path I chose is looking a little less surprising from this angle.

  “You kept me out all night, my mom’ll be furious.” She winks at me and twirls her hair. Again the unknown part stirs inside.

  “Just sneak in quietly or she won’t let me take you out again.” I sound and feel like a complete dumbass, but she’s eating it up, which makes it worth the stupidity.

  “Oh, I think she will.” Then without warning she leans in for a kiss.

  It starts out hesitant, then works into something more. Before long, her hands are around my neck and mine are tangled in her long hair. It’s passionate, but it never crosses the line to dirty. There’s something sweet somewhere in there, and that’s not something I’m used to.

  Though, I think, ma
ybe, I could get used to it.

  Just before she breaks away, the kiss speeds up. She bites my lip hard, and then I’m out of breath. Not what I expected. When she finally does pull away to lean back, I see a determined but glazed look in her eyes before she blinks it away.

  “Wow,” is all I manage to breathe out.

  And, “Yeah,” is all she responds with.

  This new territory is so foreign to me I forget to say goodnight as she opens her door and walks inside. She remembers, though, just before closing her door. I stand there a few moments longer, a little dazed, before heading back to the taxi.

  “Home, please.” And I give him the address. I’ll go get my car from the bowling alley in the morning. As we drive, I realize I never bought a gift for Bee like I’d meant to, as part of the excuse for why I’d been late; in all the fun, I forgot.

  Once in bed, I can’t stop thinking about the two sides to my current life. I’m one person with Bee, Jason, and the people at work, and a completely different one with Amelia and my playthings. There is some part of me wishing to be both with Bee, but that stupid yearning needs to be erased. I can’t be too honest with her. I have no idea what will happen when these two sides of me try to integrate, but I can’t imagine it will end without trouble.

  ****

  I stand on an island. There’s black swirling water everywhere I look. White caps burst at my shins. Only they aren’t white. They’re puss-colored, smelling rank. Beady eyes stalk my movements just below the surface. The sun is covered in inky splotches. Or maybe it’s the moon.

  I can’t tell.

  There’s moaning hitting my ears, but I’m alone, so I don’t understand who it’s coming from. I can see every side of this island. It’s no more than a hundred square feet. No one else is here. I raise my hand to my lips to check, and it isn’t me crying out.

  Then the pain starts.

  A burning, searing pain pounds through every inch of my skin, coming in quick pulses. I can’t run from it. And I can’t make it stop. I watch as red lines streak across my skin as it’s cut from the inside. It’s all coming from the inside. My stomach rips open, and dozens of playmates fall out. Clean and naked.

  They continue their groaning.

  They try to run but have nowhere to go. I ignore the pain still tearing me apart and run after my playthings. I laugh as they cry. My own pain fades as I hurt each one. Screams fill the air as I collect donation after donation.

  ****

  And I roll off my bed, wakened when my forehead smacks the hard floor.

  Fucking hell.

  ****

  Saturday is mostly comprised of sleeping and walking around without clothes on. I remain exhausted from staying up until morning with Bee. Despite the date being worth it, I need to allow my body the rest of the weekend to fully relax.

  In the afternoon, I remember what’s hidden, waiting for me in my jacket pocket. When I add the tiny earrings to my collection, a new thrill runs through me. It’s not as exciting as planning, or playing, but it’s there nonetheless. It’ll be what gets me through the downtime between playdates.

  After dropping the diamonds in with the rest of the jewelry, my dick has a mind of its own, and it comes out to play.

  ****

  Jason comes over Sunday for television, mandatory male bonding time. We eat, yelling at the TV, and everything with him remains normal. I try not to think about Amelia when he’s over.

  I don’t hear from her the entire weekend, but I do share several texts with Bee. Each puts a dorky smile on my face, and I continue to wonder what exactly we’re doing and how she brings these completely foreign emotions out of me.

  On Sunday night I jerk off, again, to thoughts of each of my adventures, and visions of both Bee and Amelia sneak their way in as well. It used to be surprising that the ideas of sex and violence mix so easily when I let my guard down, but I’ve come to accept everything I feel now. Especially the dark. I did kill The-One-Who-Doesn’t-Count after fucking her, and each kill has gotten me hard at some point. Though, I have no desire to hurt Bee or Amelia. Thankfully, it seems my wants to hurt and fuck don’t always go hand in hand.

  I concede I’m a confusing fucker as I lie down for bed to end the weekend.

  ****

  At work on Monday, Dan announces the decision for Eva’s replacement will be announced in no sooner than two weeks, maybe three. He reports they want to observe us and weigh each candidate thoroughly to prevent making a mistake like last time.

  Smart. Too bad they didn’t do it before to save themselves months of lost time.

  This also forces everyone to be as productive as possible. Some will take it far enough to be a kiss ass, others will just try to make friends with everyone. I won’t. I plan to act no differently. I think it’s worthless to try to be something I’m not when I’ll still be myself as a supervisor. They liked both my personality and work ethic enough to hire me, and to continue my employment since then. It’s genuine, and by far the best course of action. Jason has vowed to take my lead and continue with his normal behavior. We’ll see if he sticks to it.

  Dan also announces he’ll remain in both his and Eva’s positions for the interim.

  “Sounds like a lot of work for just one salary.”

  Jason sleepily nods his head in agreement. I refuse to ask if his fatigue stems from a happy or not-so-happy excuse. Despite my continuing (and possibly improving) engagement with Bee, I still don’t want to hear about his sex life with Amelia, not until my entanglement with her has ended.

  Jason and I are in the kitchen, digging around for a snack. It isn’t quite lunchtime, but we both decided we needed a pick-me-up. I scrounge up a granola bar and settle on stale coffee since I’m just too lazy to go down to the lobby. Jason continues looking while I face the elevator across from the kitchen to eat.

  I never would’ve guessed what I’d see next.

  The elevator doors open just as Jason stands next to me to eat the fruit he decided on. A few coworkers from other departments walk out unaware of who was in the elevator behind them. After the rest have dispersed, Eva sneaks out. She has her hair up, sunglasses on, and is hiding her prominent figure under a large winter coat, but holy hell it’s definitely Eva.

  Jason and I exchange glances, both perking up. This will be better than any dose of caffeine, guaranteed.

  “Holy shit, is it seriously her?” As Jason asks, Eva strips the sunglasses off and his question is answered.

  “Fuck me.” There’s little else to say.

  I hope she embarrasses herself even more. I’d love to see her cry.

  “You can say that again. This should be a shit show.” There is as much amusement in Jason’s tone as there is on my face.

  “Fuck me.” I do say it again because there’s nothing else to add.

  Both Jason and I walk to the entrance of the kitchen to watch as another uncomfortable scene is about to unfold. It’s like we’re in high school again, and we’re the cool kids lucky enough to watch the fight in the hallway between classes. We’ll get to brag about it later to those unfortunate enough to have been in the bathroom at the time.

  Eva walks quickly to Dan’s office, trying to avoid being noticed before she’s able to make it to his door. No one drags her away, though plenty are already gawking. She knocks loud and short before opening his door. I guarantee he doesn’t have time to say a damn word before she enters.

  In two short seconds, before she can get more than a step and a half into his office, Dan is forcing her out.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” And he held it together so well last time. Leave it to Eva to break everyone’s last straw.

  “I came back to start back in my position. I can see where I went wrong, and I’ll strive to do better in the future.” Holy fuck, she’s batshit crazy. After the scene she made last time, after getting kicked out, has she diluted herself into believing she’d ever be welcome back? No way. Not even at half the salary.

  “
No.”

  Dan spits the single syllable out as if it’s scorching his mouth. He looks like he can’t get her away from him fast enough. All of his features are pinched. I hope he doesn’t have a coronary right here. She’d probably walk over him into his office and barricade herself inside if he did.

  “I understand the errors I made before, and I think it would benefit us both if you gave me my job back.” She must have had a psychotic break. I elbow Jason, making sure he’s as absorbed in this ridiculous scene.

  “Are you crazy?” Dan almost chokes as he starts to yell. “I wouldn’t hire you back if you were the only one in the world left qualified for the position.” She looks wounded, as if she expected her ploy to work. “Now turn around, go back to your car, and stay the fuck away from here. Forever.” By the last word he’s hissing.

  “But, Dan…” Eva drops down, holding her hands, clasped together, in front of her face. Holy fucking shit. She’s actually begging, on her knees, for her job. I look to Jason and neither of us can say anything. Eyes bulged, jaws dropped, we simultaneously turn back to watch her continued humiliation of herself. “I beg you, Dan,” obviously, “take me back, and you won’t regret it. You need me as much as I need you. Please, Dan…”

  He cuts her off before she can continue. “You have five seconds before I call security.”

  She huffs, but wisely doesn’t retort. Instead, she retreats to the elevator with her tail between her legs, her shoulders hunched. With the boldness of her endeavor, I’m shocked she gave up so quickly. But she’s leaving. As the elevator doors open and she steps inside, she finally sees how many of her old peers and subordinates have witnessed the whole embarrassing scene.

  “Fuck off.” She screeches just before the rickety doors slam closed, effectively cutting her off.

  “Show’s over. Back to work, folks.” Dan is calm once again when he returns to business as usual. It ended almost as quickly as it began, but it was incredibly weird regardless. Worth its weight in gold, those few moments.