He was referring to the night I met him for a bet over ice cream.
“I was only joking about the cuffs. Had it not been for you insisting I sleep it off in your room, God knows what I would have gotten myself into.”
A large group of men took to the high tops beside us. Voices took swords to one another, each trying to outdo the other.
Jack’s gaze mindlessly drew in their direction before settling back on me. “I know what you meant. If you do get drunk off your ass, I’ll be able to cuff you to keep you from trying to climb onto the other side of the balcony.”
“Hey, I don’t like to lose a bet.”
“But you’d like to lose your life?”
I took a drag off his savory smile. Let it simmer in my lungs, and then I exhaled a question like smoke. “Why me?
His toothy grin twisted, deepened, longing stewing at the corners. “Because I like how easy it is to talk to you. To be around you. There’s no guessing games.” He chuckled. “And it helps that you’re pretty.”
Pretty. Such a simple word. Like flower or city. But it was how he said it. The way it rolled off his tongue like a pent-up confession. Like it had been stuck inside him, begging for release.
The sun warmed in my cheeks. Tingled in my belly.
Talking to Jack felt like talking to an old friend. One sentence rolled into the other, the way gears churned in unison. We didn’t need to fill our drinks because we were drunk on each other’s laughter.
Hours passed in what felt like minutes. Every now and then, he’d reach across the table, hooking a finger with mine. Buzzing sparks of newness pulsed beneath my skin. I’d catch his eye, and I’d see the desire we’d been denying peering out through his irises.
When it neared eleven, the minutes had slipped away like sand through my fingers. Midnight was our cap, and Jack lived on the other side of the bridge.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m famished,” he said, reaching for the menu. “Want to share something before we head out? Soak up the alcohol?”
My stomach growled in response. Words shaped along my tongue, only to be halted by a body flinging across our table. My smile deserted me the moment I was doused in liquid mash. The table shook under the man’s thrashing weight.
Jack was already up, out of his seat. He pulled the guy by the collar of his shirt, then tossed him back toward his friends, who hollered with laughter.
I was drenched in beer and liquor. Shards of broken glass covered the table. A deep crack divvied down the middle like a canyon.
“Are you all right?” Jack pulled me from the booth. His gaze inspected every inch me while his hands rubbed napkin after napkin over my damp skin. “You have a thing for drinks being spilled, don’t you?” He attempted a chuckle, but it fell short at the sight of my hair plastered to the sides of my face.
I smelled like the inside of a barrel.
“What can I say? I’m just full of luck.”
“This is just ridiculous,” Jack continued, still wiping me down.
“I’m so sorry, ma’am. We’ve asked them to leave. Would you like me to replace your drinks for you?” a man in a suit said as he held out a towel.
“No, thanks. What I need is a shower.”
I didn’t miss the dismay that touched the center of Jack’s eyes. “Thank you, but I think we’re good here,” he told the manager. When the guy nodded and left, he turned back to me. “Want to get out of here?”
“Please.”
Once a cab was hailed, he opened the door for me, and then stood back. “Sorry about that.
“I’m just sorry your left hungry.”
He chuckled. “Eh… I have takeout at home I can eat.” The corner of his cheek pulled between his teeth. “Maybe we can try again another time?”
I leaned into him, hooking a finger around the collar of his shirt. “I’d really like that, Jack.”
His gaze lingered on my lips, a heady pulse in the air. “Me too.”
I leaned a little closer. Kept my gaze on the sweet swell of his mouth. Kiss me. The need pinged between us. My eyes squeezed when he was but a breath away, then the blaring honk of the cab’s horn peeled through the night.
Jack leaned back. The electricity between us whimpered in defeat. His gaze swiveled past me to the long line of cars barely moving an inch, then moved to his watch. “I should go if I’m going to make it home on time.”
My heart curled in. “Yeah.”
His lips brushed against my forehead, feather light. “Next Thursday?” he whispered, almost a plea.
I nodded against him, then turned and got into the cab.
Waiting for Thursdays with Jack felt like waiting for a vacation to near. The heady anticipation. The days passing torturously slow. Our love braised between us, like the building of a perfect Bolognese sauce. Every moment together was another ingredient tossed in, stewing, layering to create the perfect flavor. A slow-burning kiss here. Another open-hearted conversation there.
I learned every flavor of Jack. Sweet, like a finger dipped in honey. Spicy, like the exciting ting of cayenne on the tip of the tongue. Even bitter, from time to time, like the acrid sting of citrus peel. On those days, I met him head to head, giving him every inch of what he dished.
When he touched me, I came alive, my body reacting on its own free will. When he held me, peace I hadn’t known I was missing took flight in my chest. When I looked at him, there were times I didn’t know where I ended and he began.
And knowing he could never be mine, not truly, was a poisoned-tipped arrow aimed straight for my heart.
One Sunday, the kids were with Hank’s mother, when Hank came barreling through the front door to our apartment.
“Who is he?” he shouted, staggering over his feet.
I placed the magazine I’d been reading down and stood. “What?”
It happened so fast I didn’t have time to prepare for it. His hand pierced across my cheek, like lightning, singeing the skin where he touched.
“Who the fuck is he, Jessi? The guy you’re whoring around with.”
A sickly mixture of fear and anger pressed against me on all sides, like a swell of water sucking me under. Ripping the air from my lungs. “How dare you!”
His hand clenched like a noose around my throat, eyes blacker than the night. “Do you know the jokes they made of you? Of us? At the bar you fucking took him to!”
I shoved him hard, the breath in my lungs struggling. “Don’t you ever fucking touch me again! Do you hear me!”
A cold, calculating laugh seeped out of him. Staining the air. “You aren’t worth it. Aren’t worth anything.”
He staggered back. Caught himself on the edge of the couch, then stumbled down the hall. I winced when his door slammed shut, then ran to the kitchen. My hand curved around the cold handle of a knife. Crazed eyes met mine in the reflection of the gleaming dagger. I didn’t trust he wouldn’t come back out. When Hank was on a bender, there was no telling what he’d do.
Pulling out my phone, I dialed Jack’s number. My hands shook when it went to voice mail. Panicked, I dialed again and again, until he finally answered. The sound of his voice came through like a hand reaching into the drowning waters.
“Hey, Jess. Now isn’t really a good time. I’m—”
“He hit me, Jack. I… I didn’t know who else to call. What to do.” My voice didn’t sound like my own. It bucked out of me, wild and untamed.
“Wait. Slow down. What?”
I told him what happened. Slid down the side of the cabinets.
“You need to call the cops. He shouldn’t hit you, Jess.”
“The kids… they’ll be home soon. I can’t have them come home to their father being arrested.” The knife clanged against the ground as heat pulsed in my eyes. “Please, Jack. I’m just… I’m scared. He’s still here. Please… I know it’s wrong. I know you’re with her… I just… can I see you?”
Hesitation filled the silence. “Jess, I—”
He was
loyal. He loved her, and she would always come first.
That I knew all too well.
His pause oozed through my veins, green and sludgy. Pricked at the skin on the back of my neck, tiny fires building. I didn’t want to feel jealous. He wasn’t mine. But I didn’t believe he didn’t feel what I felt when we were together. The proof lingered in the little things. The way he hung around longer than he should. How the stress seemed to melt off him in my presence.
He loved her. He respected his marriage.
But what we had was separate from that. Different. Deeper.
Yet, I still couldn’t have him. I never would.
I wanted to hate her. This faceless woman who kept his heart locked up. But how could I? She was there first.
I clenched my head in my hands. “I’m sorry. This was wrong. I shouldn’t have called.”
A sigh blew into the phone. “No. I’m glad you did. Look… I can meet you at the coffee shop down the street, okay? But I can’t stay long.”
Relief whooshed out of me, stained with guilt. “I don’t want to cause any problems, Jack.”
“Let me worry about that, okay? Just… get in a cab, and I’ll meet you there.” A short pause. “And, Jess, be careful, okay?”
“Okay,” I said before hanging up.
Everything changed after that day at the coffee shop. Jack rented an apartment closer to where I lived, telling me he wanted me to have a safe space I could retreat to if I ever needed to get away from Hank. On the weekends when the kids were away, I’d spend my nights there, dreaming of a life I’d never have.
Thursdays grew arms and legs that extended into Tuesdays and Fridays, and sometimes even weekends. Desire spread like greedy vines over the rules, so dense and thick they were forgotten. With Jack, love was taken down off the shelf and dusted off. It was given a spotlight, staged front and center. For the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to be loved by a man. To be treated like a prize rather than a convenience.
Although our shoplifted time brought our minds closer, there was a storm brewing in our hearts. It was subtle at first, an ant bite on the soul. And then his smiles stopped touching his eyes. They were fool’s gold, shining bright with no value.
While cuddling in bed, I questioned him about it.
“I’m just stressed.”
My lips pressed against his cheek. Moved to his mouth where they lingered. I felt him relax into the bed, and a smirk broke free. Rolling on top of him, I tickled his sides until he relented and finally let one of those beautiful smiles loose.
He chuckled, then pulled me close, his lips singing a song against mine. “You’re a tenacious, you know that?”
I nudged my nose against his. “No… I’m in love.”
The sugary confession dissolved in his watery gaze. Soured against my tongue.
“Jess…”
I tore my gaze from him. Settled back against his side, fingers tracing the outline of his bicep. “I know. Forget it.”
“How could I?” He tipped my chin up. “You know how I feel about you.”
“Do I?”
A flurry of emotions crippled his gaze. “Yes. You do. I feel the same. And I shouldn’t, Jess. I shouldn’t feel that for you, but I do, and I don’t fucking know what to do with these feelings.”
When his eyes turned watery, I held him to me, swearing to never bring it up again. We were approaching a crossroads. A kink in the chain.
I could only hope for the best.
Unaware of the mess that was about to be made.
One night in January, I was in the back of the shop working on a new blend when Hank told me I had customers. An anvil dropped through my stomach the moment my eyes landed on Jack.
He wasn’t alone.
I’d never seen her before, this haunting image of a woman who stalked the back of my mind at night. She was beautiful in the way I’d always pictured. Long hair with a sheen like melted chocolate. Big, bright eyes that overpowered her face, only they were shadowed with pain when they glanced between Jack and me. Something exchanged between us in that moment. A reflected confusion masked in love.
I watched in horror as Jack pulled her from the shop. Tried not to pry when I noticed him yelling at her on the sidewalk. Though he said they were open, nothing about their body language matched two lovers who were okay with sharing.
My heart rotted with regret and shame when she turned from him and disappeared down the sidewalk. His pain was mine, a scar we both wore across our hearts. I moved past the counter as he watched her pull away in a cab. My hand stilled against the chilled glass, heart battering against my chest.
When he turned and his gaze met mine, they were hollow. Two round orbs sucked dry of love. Replaced with despair. There was a goodbye coming. It loitered in the air, an unwanted guest I wanted to shoo away.
The following Thursday, I didn’t meet Jack. I holed myself up in my room, tucked in the window, pillaging through every memory we’d ever shared. Searching for the moment when I’d lost him.
The following week, he sent me an email, begging me to meet him.
“How could you yell at her like that?” It was the first words I’d spoken to him since that night. I hunkered down on the couch, legs pulled against my chest. “You said you two are open, but that didn’t seem open to me, Jack. The way you reacted…” My head shook. “I don’t ever want to be put in that position again. And she shouldn’t be either.”
His head was gripped between his hands, elbows placed on his thighs. Shadows draped over his shoulders like sandbags, weighing him down from his seat in the kitchen. “You think I haven’t beat myself up already?” His words bounced off the floor and struck me in the chest. “I tried to talk her out of wanting to go there. What was I supposed to do? Tell her it wasn’t a good idea because you were there? Either way, she was going to be hurt. You were going to be hurt. I couldn’t… I didn’t know how to prevent it.”
The space between us was strained, sluggish, like a declining heart. Dusk drew a grey veil over the setting sun. With every ban of fleeting light, the layers of Jack’s control peeled back, exposing this raw, tortured thing. His face took on jagged lines I could slip and cut myself on if I wasn’t careful.
Every breath I took felt like barbs dragged across my lungs. How had we gotten here?
Was this always meant to be our destination?
“Do either of you even want the open marriage, Jack? Because it seems like there is still a lot of confusion there. The way you reacted… that wasn’t a man okay with his situation.”
Angry hands dove into his hair, tugging and pulling, and then, as if touched by a live wire, he bucked forward out of his seat. “Because I’m not, Jess! Everything has changed. Corinne… I think she’s falling for whoever she’s seeing. And me… I know I’ve fallen for you. And it’s wrong. It wasn’t what was supposed to happened. It wasn’t what I intended.”
His words fell out like an avalanche, burying me beneath his cold.
“Then why are we still doing this?” The raw muscle behind my chest flopped around with panic, gasping for air. Love wasn’t supposed to hurt this bad. It wasn’t supposed to cripple me, my bones mangled together in heaping mess at his feet.
Clarity steeped in turmoil spilled from his gaze. “Because the thought of not seeing you again scares me just as much as the thought of losing my wife.”
There it was, the double-edged sword laid at our feet. Buried in rock. Spelled to only be pulled by the right woman for him. Deep in my knotted marrow, I knew he was mine. That I was meant to bear the sword.
But what was the point if he wasn’t sure he wanted me to?
“Maybe you should take some time away from me, Jack. Think about what you really want, because this…” My hands swooped through the air. “Whatever this is, it can’t continue this way.”
Fear wrapped like a snake around my heart, fangs bared because I wasn’t sure what he’d do.
Or maybe, because I knew what he couldn’t do—
stay.
“You’re right.” Two words formed into a shovel, digging a grave for our love.
Pieces of my battered heart corroded, falling into the pit of my abandoned stomach.
A fatigued exhale whooshed past his lips. His feet carried him forward, shoulders bowed in. “I should go. I need to figure this out, Jess. This mess I put us all in.” He brought my hands up to his lips. Brushed them over my knuckles. “Just… no matter what… know that I love you, Jess. I do. I just…”
Every nerve in my body went numb with defeat. “You love her, too.” An intense, dizzying ache buzzed behind my eyes, but I refused to let the tears fall. I wouldn’t keep him out of pity. I wouldn’t affect his decision.
He let my hands fall. “I’ll call you.”
When the door shut behind him, I let the tears fall.
Chapter 4
Jack
I never thought I’d be on the other end of things. Waiting for my wife. Wondering if she would come back to me.
Discovering she’d been sleeping with my boss, Cole, set the fields of my mind on fire. This man I saw day in and day out. It clawed at my composure, at my core. Every memory of them together sat like snipers in the back of my mind, picking off my sanity, piece by piece.
She was more his than mine, and I didn’t know how to manage that realization. It was an oil spill I couldn’t find my grounding in. This was what I wanted, wasn’t it? For her to find happiness outside of me? Happiness I couldn’t give?
I tugged at the roots of my hair. Fuck. No… I never wanted to lose her. I just didn’t realize it until it was too late.
The night she didn’t return home by midnight, I knew I’d lost her. I waited at the foot of our bed, head in my hands and fragments of my heart scattered along the floor. I tried to piece them into the shape it was before this all started. The curved slopes that beat only for Corinne.
But Jess has taken those shards and shuffled them up.
Piece by piece, I rearranged them until it formed a mangled knot. My chest felt torn apart, bleeding one confused thought after another. Being with Jess felt as easy as breathing. But being with Corinne felt like home, and I wasn’t ready to let that go. I couldn’t. I meant my vows, and I couldn’t throw in the towel without knowing whether she meant them, too.
Five Reasons To Go (The Risky Hearts Duet Book 2) Page 5