by Rudy Rucker
"A promise ain't enough," snapped Vaana, standing up in her full womanly form.
"My people been counting on me to get us a fair deal."
The King shook his head. "My local standing is already shaky due to the gossip about our relationship, Vaana. For my own political survival, I can't be put in a position of seeming to give a too preferential treatment to --" At this point Yoke lost the thread of their conversation because a nightmarish call came in on her uvvy. It was Phil, standing on a beach looking desperate. He'd encountered Shimmer and the aliens in a cave at the end of the island. The powerball was about to eat him.
When Yoke sprang across the deck and pulled Cobb around her, the old man moldie was maddeningly sluggish in his responses. "Faster, Cobb," urged the frantic Yoke. "You have to fly me to the far end of the island!"
"Why?" drawled Cobb. "You're not finished filling the ship."
"The powerball is about to get Phil! Oh, hurry! Maybe we can save him."
"One certainly hopes not," said Cobb with unexpected venom. His voice sounded all different. "But, very well, I'll take you there. It should be amusing."
"What is wrong with you?" cried Yoke, but Cobb gave no answer. Silently he flew Yoke to the island's end as directed.
When they landed on the beach, Yoke quickly popped herself out of the moldie. It was too late. A big warped ball of space had slid onto Phil, and his form was swollen up like a balloon. Even though she knew it was hopeless, Yoke ran toward Phil, calling his name, with Cobb trotting along behind her.
The warped sphere of the powerball snapped loose from normal space--and Phil was gone. A nauseating ripple of distortion passed through Yoke's body. And then nothing. The world going on the same as before. With no Phil. Right at the end he'd said he loved her. Yoke realized that she could have loved him too. Cobb was standing just behind Yoke, looking sarcastic and unhelpful. And down the beach a ways was a hole in the cliff with some of the aliens watching. Yoke could make out the pale glow of Shimmer and the dark snout of Wubwub.
"We have to get back to HRH and the ship," said Cobb. "We're not nearly finished there."
"Whatever," said Yoke, striding down the beach toward the aliens. "Shimmer! You have to help bring them back. I want Phil and I want my mother!" On an impulse, Yoke used her alla to create a flaming wooden torch. "Moldie flesh burns, Shimmer!"
Calmly the pale woman and the dark pig stared out at Yoke.
Did she really have any chance against these superhuman? Not
likely. But she held her little torch up high. "Help me or else!" Before the scene could play itself out, Yoke was tackled from behind. By Cobb. The old man moldie knocked the torch from
her hand and flowed forward, enveloping and immobilizing her.
"We really must be on our way," said Cobb. "HRH wants
us back immediately."
And then they were rocketing up from the beach, arcing back across the island to where the roly-poly aluminum Tongan Navy ship waited. Yoke tried to talk to Cobb, but it was no use. It was as if he'd been hypnotized or turned into a zombie.
"I put a leech-DIM on him," explained the smirking Onar when Cobb split open to disgorge Yoke back onto the deck of the ship. "As long as Cobb's wearing it, he's an extension of me. I slapped it on him while you were busy making the gold and imipolex. I let Cobb take you to watch Phil get eaten because I was curious too. Too bad about that, really. Phil was a decent sort. No mental giant, though. In any case, it's time to get back to work, Yoke. Break's over."
"You heartless prick." Now that she knew what to look for, Yoke could see the leech-DIM on Cobb's back, knotted into his pink flesh like a purple scar. She reached out to see if she could tear it loose, but Cobb's body twisted away.
"Do as Onar says," said Cobb, his voice a slavish replica of Onar's.
"That leech is comin' off right now!" yelled Vaana. She'd become very agitated as soon as Onar pointed out Cobb's leech-DIM. She gave the King's shoulder a shake. "Bou-Bou! You can't sit here and let this skanky white dook put a leech-DIM on a moldie. Tonga's a free zone!"
"Yes, but a free Cobb might take Yoke and her alla away from us too soon," hissed Onar. "Surely even you can understand that, you fat, stinking sex-toy."
"Understand this" said Vaana. Her arm lashed out snake-fast to strike a concussive blow against the side of Onar's head. Onar collapsed like a rag doll, and so did Cobb.
"Oh, you shouldn't have done that, Vaana," said the King, very upset. "I'm sorry about the leech-DIM. Onar talked me into it. Greed, don't you know." He waved both arms, making a broad "calm down" signal to his bodyguards on the bridge.
"The guards may think they have to defend the Tu'i Tonga, Vaana. They're obsessed with the notion that you might harm me."
But Vaana was too agitated to pay proper attention. "You actually gave Onar the okay, Bou-Bou? You told him he could use a leech-DIM?" She grabbed the King and gave him another rough shake. "I thought you loved moldies!"
Up on the bridge the bodyguards were frantically conferring with the captain, and now the whip-cannon at the rear of the ship twitched into life. Yoke dove onto the deck next to Cobb to get out of the way. The whip-cannon snapped like a huge towel. A heavy puck of metal flew into Vaana, cutting her completely in two. The puck punched through the deck and the side of the hull --fortunately above the waterline--and plunged violently into the sea.
"No!" screamed the King. "Vaana!"
With what seemed like her dying effort, Vaana opened her mouth and made a cracked warbling noise. And then both halves of her were still. Kennit came pounding down the companionway from the bridge. "Are you all right, Your Majesty?" he shouted. "Thank God we saved you."
Onar began twitching, starting to wake back up, and Cobb was twitching too. If Yoke waited any longer it would be too late. Quickly she made herself a knife with her alla and rolled Cobb over so she could cut the purple scar of the leech from his back. But Kennit darted forward to take the knife and the alla from her.
"Don't hurt the girl!" shouted the King. "You've done enough damage."
"No weapons near the King," said Kennit. "I'm going to handcuff her till I figure out what's happening." And then he yanked Yoke's hands behind her back and snapped some tight bands of plastic around her wrists. Kennit pushed her down into the deck chair next to the King, then threw the knife into the ocean and handed her alla to Bou-Bou.
"I'm sure Yoke's no danger," said the King, taking the alla. "She was only trying to help her friend. As was Vaana, you were glad for an excuse to kill her, weren't you, Kennit? You and the guards have been waiting for--for--" The King's voice broke and he put his hand over his eyes. 'You can't understand this, Kennit, but I loved her." "Yis," said Kennit.
There was a minute of silence. At Yoke's feet lay the two halves of Vaana, inert in a reeking puddle of straw-colored moldie ichor. Onar was sitting woozily upright on the deck next to the dismembered moldie. It seemed as if the bad guys had won.
"If I give you back your alla, will you finish your work for me now, Yoke?" the King asked. He was fiddling with the alla as if desperate for a distraction from the sight of the shattered Vaana. "Curious," continued the King. "Just an empty tube, though if I look through it the world seems to be twirling." He knitted his brows as if willing something to happen, but nothing did. "It won't make anything for me. Yes yes, it really is keyed to you, Yoke. You're the goose who lays the golden eggs. A fine role."
"No eggs if the farmer mistreats the goose," said Yoke. "Unshackle me so I can take the leech-DIM off of Cobb. Until then I'm not making you anything more. Once you free us, I'll still keep my promise to fill your ship with imipolex and gold."
"Oh, but we can make her do much more than that, Bou-Bou," said Onar, his voice slurred. He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed the side of his head, gathering his forces. Moving slowly and carefully, he got to his feet and sneered down at Yoke with something like his old energy. "Yes, Bou-Bou, I have another trick up my sleeve. I can make little Miss Snooty B
ritches do anything I want her to. Look." Onar pulled a twitching piece of imipolex out of his pants pocket, a fat dark red slug of a thing.
"Be careful, that's a thinking cap!" exclaimed the horrified Yoke, who'd been warned about them many times before. "A moldie can make it crawl up a person's nose to take over their brain!"
"Yes, my dear," said Onar. "Up your nose. I'll use the leech-DIM to run Cobb, and Cobb will use the thinking cap to run you. A baroque little chain of command, no?" He paused and giggled. "I have an idea, Bou-Bou. Why don't I smear Yoke with Vaana's ichor and get her to have sex with you. Little Yoke's a rather good shag, don't you know."
"How revolting," said the King coldly. "I'm shocked at you, Onar. Set the girl free, Kennit. She's perfectly willing to finish filling our ship. And do something about having poor Vaana's body stored away. I'm going to give her a proper funeral."
"But Yoke was holding a knife, Your Majesty," said Kennit. "I have to protect you."
"Do you presume to disobey my direct command?" said the King, rising to his feet. Kennit temporized by continuing to talk, and the two of them went to stand over the remains of Vaana. Meanwhile Yoke was still sitting in the deck chair with her hands cuffed behind her back.
While Kennit and the King continued debating, Onar handed the nastily twitching thinking cap to Cobb -- who had no power to do anything but accept it. At the activating touch of Cobb's moldie fingers, the thinking cap bloomed like a blob of ink in a glass of water, sending out long, greedy feelers. Now Onar darted around behind Yoke and held her by the shoulders. The enslaved old Cobb shuffled forward, holding the excited thinking cap out toward Yoke's face.
"Help!" said Yoke, but her voice came out small and squeaky. Stupid Kennit and the King weren't even looking at her. It was like a dream where you try to run and your legs are knee-deep in molasses. Onar had her shoulders pinned in a grip of steel. The dark red thinking cap was coming closer. This was happening too fast!
It occurred to Yoke that perhaps she could control her alla even when she wasn't holding it. She reached out for mental contact with her alla and--yes! She alla-made a quick hydrogen-oxygen explosion at waist level between Kennit and the King.
The blast was encouragingly loud. The King bellowed, Kennit roared, and Onar and Cobb were so startled that Cobb dropped the writhing thinking cap onto Yoke's lap. Yoke quickly exploded a much bigger sphere of hydrogen and oxygen in a spot that she guessed to be behind Onar. He came tumbling onto her from over her right shoulder. The chair collapsed. With a quick twitch of her legs and torso, Yoke maneuvered Onar's head to be near the thinking cap. The thinking cap crawled onto Onar's face and shimmied into his left nostril. Onar screamed for Cobb to catch it, but he was too late. With a last filthy wriggle, the thinking cap had disappeared all the way into Onar's nose. Onar's limbs twitched as if in an epileptic fit.'
And now Cobb began twitching too. He and Onar were in a feedback control loop. Onar's leech-DIM was controlling Cobb, but Cobb's thinking cap was controlling Onar. They sprang together like wrestlers, like magnets. The Cobb-directed Onar tired to claw the leech-DIM out of Cobb's back and the Onar-directed Cobb probed into Onar's nose in search of the wily thinking cap. Yet at the same time, Onar was directing Cobb not to direct Onar to tear out the leech-DIM, and Cobb was telling Onar not to tell Cobb to try and get the thinking cap. Not to mention the fact that Cobb both was and wasn't trying to choke Onar. With all the contradictory impulses in the loop, nothing was accomplished, and the two could only flail about in chaos, their spastic motions cycling through a Wrestle-mania strange artractor.
Meanwhile Kennit had placed the muzzle of a pocket-size rail-gun against the side of Yoke's head. "If you make one more speck of trouble," he growled into her ear, "I'm going to blow off your head."
Now a new complication arrived. Moldies were flying in from every side, seemingly drawn by Vaana's distress cry. Up on the bridge the captain began using the whip-cannon to flail out metal pucks in every direction, and the two other bodyguards opened up automatic weapons fire. Kennit let go of Yoke and began firing his gun at the moldies as well. But there were too many moldies and they were too fast. A half dozen of them homed in on the whip-cannon and cut the thing off at its base. Yoke watched all this, sitting handcuffed on the deck. She'd scooted herself away from the flailing Onar and Cobb. The King still had her alla, and after Kennit's threat she was scared to use it again. As the whip-cannon fell into the sea, Tashtego and Daggoo suddenly arrived. They came running across the deck, teeth bared like joyful pirates.
"Hold your fire!" the King called to his bodyguards. "These are my best agents! Tashtego, Daggoo, can you revive Vaana?"
Instantly taking in the scene, the great Daggoo bent over Vaana, his rapid fingers beginning to splice the halves of her body together. Tashtego disappeared into the ship's hold.
There was a steady thud of more and more moldies landing on the deck. Each of them went immediately belowdeck and moments later flew back out of the hatch, two or three times as big as before. Most of the ship's crew had jumped overboard. Cobb and Onar continued to wrestle.
"Who dealt this mess?" said Kennit, looking around despairingly. He gave a shrill whistle and the two other bodyguards came down the companionway. "We're taking HRH back to the secure island," he told them. They started across the deck.
"Let's not leave quite yet, Kennit," implored the King. "I want to see if Daggoo can fix Vaana." Tashtego reappeared from below, much fattened, and carrying a spare slug of imipolex that he gave Daggoo to use on Vaana. From the water came the sound of the ship's motor launch starting up. One of the bodyguards yelled down that they should wait for the King.
"Take off my handcuffs," called Yoke. "And give me back my alla. I can use it to save Cobb."
"Do it, Kennit," said the King. He handed Yoke's alla to the big Tongan. Kennit crossed the deck, holding his rail-gun out at the ready. He removed Yoke's plastic handcuffs and pressed her alla into her hand. "Just remember, Yoke, if anyone comes near HRH, my boys and I will waste them." He went back to the other side of the ship.
Now that she had her alla, Yoke realized she didn't need a knife to take the leech-DIM out of Cobb. She could simply alla it into air--if she could place the control mesh steadily over the leech-DIM, that is. She explained the situation to Tashtego and Daggoo, and the three of them knelt on Cobb to hold him still, with Daggoo fending off Onar with one long arm. At the last instant Onar managed to lunge in and push his hand in as if to protect the leech-DIM. When the alla turned the contents of its control mesh into air, it took a chunk out of Onar's thumb too. He started bleeding profusely from the wound.
But the main thing was that the leech was gone. Cobb got to his feet and with one glance made Onar crouch down motionless. With no leech-DIM to counter the commands of the thinking cap, Onar was Cobb's slave.
"Good show!" called the King. "And how's Vaana doing, Daggoo?"
"She almost back," said the huge, black moldie, who'd turned his attention back to his injured comrade. "Yaaar." And indeed, the sinuous green shape of Vaana was lazily beginning to shift about.
"That's twice you've saved my life," said Cobb, hugging Yoke. "And now I own Onar? I'd sooner own a rabid baboon."
"I'll take him," said Vaana, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "Thank you, Daggoo. I'd like to do something special with you soon." She flowed up Daggoo's body like a vine growing up an oak, then twirled free. Even as Yoke watched, Vaana's body was continuing to heal. "Hi, Bou-Bou," called Vaana, waving to the King.
The King waved back a little uncertainly, but when he saw Vaana's smile he tried to come over. His bodyguards grabbed his arms to hold him back.
"How would I give Onar to you?" Cobb asked Vaana.
"Let me uvvy into you and I can grep your thinking cap control code," said Vaana.
So Cobb and Vaana did the info transfer, and right away Vaana set Onar to dancing a jig like an organ grinder's monkey, the blood freely dripping from his hand. Onar's jaw was pumping,
but Vaana wasn't letting him say anything. His eyes were coals of fear and anger. His forced capering was a ghastly, melancholy sight.
"Oh stop," said Yoke. "Don't torture him, Vaana. We should bandage that cut."
"I've got a better idea," said Vaana, turning so she faced away from the bodyguards and the King. "A way to finish it. Come here, Onar, I want to ask you to do something." Onar stood before Vaana, tense but obedient, oblivious of his bloody hand.
Before Vaana could speak, Yoke interrupted. "Onar, did you kill Mr. Olou on purpose? Make him answer, Vaana."
"Yes," said Onar, his voice strained and cracked. "It was my idea."
"Go git HRH," said Vaana softly. "Don't slow down for them guards. Go git Bou-Bou."
Onar charged across the deck as if hell-bent on attacking the King. At this, the bodyguards reached their flash point. Moving as one, the three of them raised their weapons and blew off Onar's head.
"Takes care of the thinking cap too," said Vaana.
Onar fell heavily and lay still, his neck spurting. Yoke retched. Three days ago she'd made love to this man; his body had been warm and strong, turgid with the same blood that was puddled on the aluminum deck. What a waste, what a pitiful end.
And then the sky seemed to fall in, as something big came crashing into the ocean next to the ship. The object came down so fast that there was an ear-splitting sonic boom. A great wave rolled the ship far to one side like a tin toy, tossing Yoke and the others into the sea.
By a happy accident, Yoke and Cobb ended up next to each other, along with Vaana and the King. The ship, now some distance off, had righted itself. The other moldies and the bodyguards were out of sight. And floating between Yoke and the ship was the great object that had caused the splash. What the hell? It was a flattened disk -- a couple of centimeters thick and ten meters across -- with two dozen lively beaked heads sticking out of it. Yoke thought of the nursery rhyme about four-and-twenty blackbirds baked into a pie. A pizza pie.