by Mignon Mykel
Just like every other damn thing this woman did.
Grace had wound herself so deeply into me five years ago, it didn’t matter what distance we put between us—she was a part of me. Lovers, friends, estranged…
She was a part of me and nothing was going to be able to change that.
Finally to our destination, we slowed to a stand. Surprising me, Grace moved in front of me, lifting our linked hands over her head and in front of her. She didn’t lean back into me but she didn’t have to. I closed that distance and pulled her close, loving when I felt her relax into me. This wasn’t a new embrace, no. We had danced this way once upon a time, and even in our years as friends, there had been a bonfire or two where she stood this close.
But it was the linked hands crossed over her middle that changed everything a fraction.
It was the fullness expanding in my chest that really drove it home.
This was right.
This was where I was supposed to be, where I should have been for the last five fucking years. She was what kept me grounded and while I had always known it, it was this moment that felt like the lightbulb moment.
I would move heaven and earth to figure out how to keep this woman.
I was done pretending that I was ok being just her friend. I wanted so much more.
Grace
I don’t know what came over me, but the moment we crested to the top, I knew I wanted Sawyer’s arms around me. Was I asking for something that wasn’t there? Was I imagining every side glance and teasing remark, wanting them to mean more than they were?
Or was Sawyer on the same page I was?
Trusting my gut, trusting Sawyer, I moved our linked hands in front of me, standing in front of him. Once I did it though, I had a slight moment of panic—that maybe this was too much, maybe he had just been holding my hand because that’s what friends did…
But he stepped into me, pressing me close, and I felt myself completely relax.
Everything silenced in my head. All I heard was the crashing waves around the bluff below us, the wind in the trees, and Sawyer’s even breaths. Even the gulls were quiet right at this moment. If I listened hard enough, I imagined I could hear his heart beating too. I could feel its strong beat near my head, vibrating through his chest as we stood there in silence.
Otherwise, it was perfect silence.
Perfect quiet to the chaos.
I didn’t know what to say right now, but I didn’t think that this moment called for words. So instead, I let myself relax fully into Sawyer, knowing without a doubt that this man had me. He would never let me fall.
When he rubbed his chin against my temple, I curled my lips slightly. This right here, this comfortableness I only seemed to find in Sawyer, was something I had never experienced in Jeremy’s arms. There was a reason my feelings never grew for him, and the reason was standing right behind me.
I felt as Sawyer pulled himself away from me slightly, his back leaning away from the comforting cocoon he brought me. Realizing that this perfect moment must be over, I took a step forward, but his hand tightened in mine and his other hand brushed my hair to my other shoulder, leaving my neck exposed…
And then his mouth was there.
On the side of my neck, his lips ever so gentle. A shudder racked through my body at the foreignness of it. Then he let go of my hand, only to place his palm flat over my stomach, his teeth scraping over my skin in an open mouth kiss.
Oh my, what he was doing to my body.
I closed my eyes as my heartrate started to climb, but not from anxiety. No. Like flipping a switch, my body was completely turned on, my nipples tightening under my sweatshirt, my core tingling and close to that ebbing pulse that would take just the feel of his roughened fingers on my bare skin to send me over.
Suddenly I wished I hadn’t worn this sweatshirt; I wanted to feel the heat of his hand on my stomach, the other holding my hair at my shoulder. The weight of his hands weren’t enough. I was thankful for the bagginess of the neckline however, giving him access to dip, dip, dip further…
My shoulders rose when he hit that lovely spot in the curve of my neck, the one spot that was sure to have me on the edge if he spent too much time there.
With gentle kisses, he allowed my body to calm until my shoulders went back to neutral and my head tipped away.
“You ok?” he whispered against my neck, his breath a chilled balm over the spot his mouth had just been.
Was I ok? I was fabulous. I was on top of the world.
This man was one I wanted with my entire being but couldn’t have.
I couldn’t have him.
I couldn’t…
“What are we doing?” I asked quietly when he scraped his teeth against the sensitive skin there, his lips lightly sucking over the spot to gentle any hurts.
When he didn’t answer right away, I was sure he hadn’t heard me. I tried to turn and while he let me, he didn’t let me step too far from his embrace.
“I can’t do this again,” I whispered, my chin lowered but my eyes on his. While the one time we were together was mutually satisfying and we both left with no expectations, at that point in our lives we were barely new friends.
Now we had five years of the richest of friendships between us. As badly as I wanted this man, regardless of the obstacles in our way and the reasons why we just couldn’t be, I needed the calm he brought me more.
I needed to know there was more than one person on this earth who could bring me back to even ground, who could silence the worries in my mind. And while Sydney was a great friend and was often my anchor, nobody brought me back to surface like Sawyer Meadows did.
Doing this—this kissing and very likely something more—could easily devastate everything we had built over the last five years. I may have semi-lost him over the last few months over silly things like ex-boyfriends and green eyed monsters, but I didn’t think that losing him a second time and getting him back again would come as easily as these last two days had.
Sawyer took my hands and pulled them around his lower back, only letting go when I fisted my hands in the hem of his tee. He then took my face in his hands, tilting my face up. His voice low, he said the words he often said but never once with malice in his soothing tone. “Turn off your worry, sweetness. Just feel.”
But it wasn’t that easy.
It wasn’t easy to just—
Then his mouth was on mine and everything faded out.
Sawyer
Once I started kissing her, it was as if I couldn’t stop. It was as if every missed kiss over the last five years fought to be had right here in this moment.
And she wasn’t stopping it.
Grace’s small hands stayed fisted in my shirt, holding me to her as I swept my tongue into her parted mouth. The tip of her tongue touched mine tentatively and it was all gone from there. I pulled her close, the evidence of my arousal more than obvious as I pressed my hips into her stomach but she didn’t seem to mind.
No, if anything, it only prompted her to deepen the kiss on her own terms. When her pinkies brushed the bare skin of my back, I had to pull away. There was kissing in public, and there was kissing in public, and we were well on our way to me losing my mind in her.
Sweet, quiet Grace was the woman I measured all else against. I didn’t want a woman longer than a few hours because I knew there was one woman that I wanted for days, months, years.
If I was going to do this—kissing her, wanting her, showing her—I was going to do it right.
And damn near humping her in public with tented jeans between us when any number of people could come across, was not the way to do it.
My heart pounding in my chest, I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against hers, my hands still on her cheeks. “God, feel how much I want you.”
She stilled and I opened my eyes, seeing a slight sheen of uncomfortable weariness in her blue gaze as she shifted. Shit. Feel how much I want you. Well fuck yeah, she could feel. My cock
was fighting to be free of the denim barrier, but that wasn’t what I meant at all.
I reached behind my back to gently pry her right hand free, placing it over the erratic beat of my heart. “There, Gracie. Feel it there.”
Her eyes locked on our hands over my heart and she nibbled on her lip. The longer she stared, the more anxious I was starting to feel. I didn’t care what she said, I just needed her to say something.
This being unsure thing was shit, yet I knew it was only a fraction of what she sometimes felt day in and out.
Finally, her eyes lifted to mine and fuck if my heart didn’t falter and skip a beat or two. Her eyes were wet, a ridge of tears along the lower lashes. Fuck. Tears weren’t a good sign.
“I can’t lose what I have with you. You’re my calm,” she admitted quietly. “The radio silence we had, I don’t think I could live with it.” She blinked, releasing two tears in rapid succession down one cheek, a single drop down the other. I moved my hands again, one to her hip and the other back to her cheek, my thumb gently caressing over the wet trail.
“Grace, I don’t think it’s possible to lose what we have. I’m drawn to you, sweetness. Have been since the day I saw your picture in Sydney’s tiny-assed apartment over some Italian dish or another.” I gave her a smile because yeah, I remembered those kinds of details.
“I knew who you were before meeting you at the party, but seeing you there, uncomfortable and unsure, and learning that you were just as quiet as you were on that video, only made me like you more. I was lying to myself when I said we couldn’t have more than one night. We could have so much more, Gracie.” My voice was low and raw, and I could only hope that it conveyed what I felt for this woman.
“But the distance.” Her eyes were back on her hand over my heart, staring.
“I can move. Put in a request, apply to other departments.”
Her thumb lightly brushed over the material of my shirt, grazing my nipple. I sucked in a breath to quiet the groan. She didn’t have a clue…
“I’m scared.”
I took her face in my hands again, tilting her head back once again so she could look up at me. “Me too, Grace. I may be your calm, but you fucking ground me, Gracelyn.”
“What if—”
I cut her off with a light press of my lips over hers. “No ‘what ifs,’ Grace,” I whispered over her lips, the feel of mine brushing over hers almost too much. The simple intimacy of the moment simply solidified that I needed her in my life. “We cross bridges when we get to them and don’t worry about them until they present themselves. If they present themselves.”
Grace hadn’t said anything the entire walk back to the car but she held my hand the entire way, a small consolation.
That had to mean something, right?
After I had kissed her lips lightly once more, we decided it was time to head back. Sydney was likely wondering where we had run off to. I was in San Diego to keep her company, after all.
The drive back was done in silence too, with me keeping my hands to myself. I would have loved to put my hand on her knee again, but Grace was currently shut down, with her hands folded together between her clenched thighs and her head facing the window. What I would give to be in her head right now.
It wasn’t realistic for her to be anxiety-free all of the time and as badly as it sat with me right now that whatever wheels were turning in her head were directly related to my words and actions, I knew this was something she had to work through.
I wasn’t going anywhere; she could take all the time she needed.
When I pulled into Sydney’s drive, it was nearing five. I wasn’t surprised to see some of the lights on in the house either. Sydney had to have been back for a few hours. On one hand, I felt like a fucking heel for leaving her when I was supposed to be here spending time with her, but on the other, she totally set today up.
She knew early this morning when she gave me the tidbit about Grace that the one line would be enough for me to forge through the wall Grace put up between us. She knew this morning when she suddenly had playdate plans, that it would give Grace and me the opportunity to work things out. Sydney may not realize the extent of our friendship, what Grace and I had once or the walls that had been placed since, but she did know, and reminded us often, that Grace and I complimented one another well.
I parked Grace’s Mazda and was going to make a show of putting her seat back to try and lighten the moment, but thought better of it when I glanced over and saw that Grace hadn’t moved. She was stone still, her hands still trapped between her legs and her gaze on some faraway place. Her breathing was deep and audible, yet not completely even, and her chest rose sharply with every breath.
She was trapped and I did that to her.
My heart fucking aching in my chest, I quickly rounded the car and opened the passenger door, kneeling beside her but keeping my hands to myself. I wasn’t entirely sure if I should touch her right now.
God, I wanted to touch her.
To hold her and ease her worries.
“Gracie, look at me,” I said softly. Her eyes were still focused somewhere over my shoulder and while they were wet, she wasn’t crying. She sat there, stuck…
“Grace. Sweetness. Baby, look at me,” I said again, this time reaching up to put my hand on her cheek, gently swinging her face toward me. Her eyes were slow to follow but when they locked with mine, she blinked.
“Hey.” My words were quiet but my mind was not. “Do you need anything? Can I do anything for you?” Did she take things for these attacks?
She shook her head, her face still so fucking withdrawn. “No, I’m fine.” She started to go through the motions—unbuckling, grabbing for the thermals—and I stood back. When I reached for her, instead of taking my hand, she handed me Sydney’s things. “I’m going to go. Thank you for today, Sawyer.”
Dumbstruck, and feeling like my entire world—my entire universe—was shattering, I watched as she rounded the car and took over the seat I just left, putting the little car in reverse and driving away.
Grace
I drove home in a daze, the hum of the road below my tires the only sound. Once at my little one bedroom cottage, I let myself in, locked myself in, and tossed myself into my bed. Belly down, face buried in a pillow.
Everything about today was wonderful.
But God, the fear of what would happen if I lost everything with that man.
Sydney knew me yes, but Sawyer knew me better. Was trying to be with him worth the risk of losing that, of losing the one person who knew me better than everyone else?
But then again, wasn’t that what love was about? Being with the one person who knew you in and out, the one person who could ease your fears, calm your worries, and slay your dragons?
Sawyer already did all that and more for me. Did that mean I was in love with him?
My laugh into my pillow was dry and unamused.
Who was I kidding? I’d been in love with Sawyer Meadows for years.
I flipped over onto my back, my arms strewn out on either side of me as I stared up at the ceiling in my dark room, forgotten tears drying in salty tracks down my cheeks. I loved Sawyer Meadows.
I loved him.
Fear dictated so much in my life. Was I going to let it dictate this too?
Could I give in to the anxieties and worries? Furthermore, most importantly, could I deal with what the man did for a living? I knew he had his gun on him today. I felt it on more than one occasion. It was easy to forget it was there though, when it was just he and I traipsing through a nature reserve. It was an entirely different matter to know he strapped that on, day in and day out, for his job—to keep him protected the best way a gun and its handler could do.
I had stayed his friend all these years, knowing he’d been shot at. Heck, I knew he’d been shot and still I kept, and valued, our friendship. How different would it be…? It wasn’t like I hadn’t invested as many feelings into our friendship as I would if we were to be seein
g one another.
And what was distance when I had a job that I could literally pick up and move?
Sitting straight up, I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and focusing my energy away from the fear and into my heart and into my desires.
Finally, with calm encompassing me, I knew what I was going to do.
With that, I stood to take a shower.
Sawyer
When I walked in earlier without Grace, thankfully Sydney didn’t press. She did, however, laugh when I deposited a fork and spoon into the sink.
“You’re so weird, Soy.”
I chuckled lightly, trying to keep the mood up, but I was still reeling from Grace leaving.
“When’s Caleb due home?” I asked her, after stuffing the thermals back in their spots.
Sydney stood at the counter, cutting even slices of cucumbers for the boys as the two of them fought over magnetic tiles in the living room. “Late tonight. They’ll fly home after the game but because of the time difference, it’ll only be around eleven that he gets in. They do have a morning game tomorrow though. Why, what’s up?” She glanced up as she swept a handful of cucumbers into a small blue bowl. Her phone beeped and after wiping her hands clean on a kitchen towel, she looked at her message with a small smile on her face.
“Just curious.” I pulled out a stool, the same one Grace sat on this morning, and regarded my sister, who put her phone down on the counter, face down. Figuring it had been her husband, I asked, “Does Brandon like to watch the games?” I wasn’t sure the kid could sit still for two and half hours, but maybe he could for sports.
Sydney shrugged a shoulder, focusing on the cucumber cutting again. “Sometimes. Usually Paw Patrol or something wins out though.”
“Maybe I could—” I started to say that I could take them to pizza or something, but now my phone vibrated in my back pocket. Frowning, I fished it out. It had been absolutely silent this entire trip. I almost forgot I had a cell phone. But, like my gun, it was a habitual fixture on me.