by S. M. Shade
She doesn’t budge when I let myself in and sit behind her on the bed. Her knees are pulled to her chest and she’s hiding her head in her arms. She curls into a tighter ball when I rub her back. Is this all a response to seeing her ex, or more about Airen’s actions? “Ladybug, talk to me.”
She doesn’t respond. A chill runs through me at her reaction. She isn’t crying or showing any sign she even heard me. Her eyes are open, staring blankly at the wall. Abby’s never been comfortable expressing her emotions, but she’s come a long way since we met, opened up to me and Airen in ways she never could. I don’t want her to regress to this stage where she simply shuts down and blocks it out.
“We don’t have to talk right now, but I need you to answer me. Show me you’re okay.”
“I’m fine. Just let me alone.” Her voice is monotone, void of emotion, but I still feel a surge of relief. She’d looked damn near catatonic.
“Listen to me, sweetheart. I’m going to get changed for bed and check on Walker. I’ll be back in ten minutes.” She doesn’t reply.
Airen looks up hopefully when I return to the living room. “How pissed is she?”
“Airen…she’s not…I don’t know how she feels. She’s lying in bed, curled up fetal, staring at the wall. I’ve never seen such a visceral reaction. I thought we might have to get Julie, but I did get her to answer me. I think she’s just overwhelmed, and trying to block it out.”
Airen’s eyes fill with tears which makes mine do the same. If Abby dislikes crying in front of us, Airen loathes it. The only time I’ve ever seen him cry is when he was half out of his mind with pain and fear. “Oh God.” He starts toward the bedroom, but I grab his arm, and tug him back to the couch.
“No. She can’t handle it right now.”
“You have to stay with her, Joey,” he exclaims, his voice manic. “Don’t leave her alone.”
“Calm down. Of course I’m going to stay with her.”
“Don’t even let her go to the bathroom by herself.”
“Airen, what aren’t you telling me?”
He scrubs his face with his hands. “She’s going to hate me for this, but she hates me anyway,” he mumbles to himself. “She told me she used to be suicidal.”
My heart drops into my feet. Our Abby? I know she’s been through hell, but she’s such a fighter. “How long ago?” I whisper.
“When she was with Jon, and before, when she was a kid. She swore to me that she never considered it after Carson was born.” I want to slap him. I want to scream at him and demand to know how he could’ve kept something so important from me, but I can’t. My arms wrap around him. No wonder he’s so afraid. This is why he wanted Abby and I together if something happened to him. He’s afraid she’ll hurt herself. “What if I put her back in that frame of mind? Back when she had no one.”
“She knows we love her, beautiful. She’s just really upset. Let’s not overreact. I’ll stick to her like glue until we’re sure she won’t hurt herself. Are you going to be okay?”
He nods.
“Just tap on the wall if you get worried, and I’ll tap back if everything is fine. That way we won’t wake her. Don’t look so terrified. We’ll get rid of Jon, and Abby will be fine. Things will look better in the morning.”
“Take care of our girl, Joey. Tell her I’m so sorry.”
“I will. Get some sleep. I mean it.”
Abby hasn’t budged an inch when I return. She allows me to undress her down to her T-shirt and panties, quickly turning her back and curling up again. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. Her fear of him was palpable, but that isn’t what has put her in such a state of despair.
She stiffens when I slip my arm around her middle and pull her back against my chest. “Relax, sweetheart. Please, don’t be afraid. Don’t you know I’d never let him hurt you?” Her chest hitches, but she doesn’t cry. I’d rather see tears than this cold, detached response. This silence. “Please, talk to me, ladybug. You’re scaring me.”
“I’m just tired. I need to sleep,” she replies in that same disinterested voice.
“Okay,” I acquiesce, though I want to shake the answers from her. Instead, I hold her close, giving her all the security I can. “I’m right here when you need me, my girl. I love you.” Another dry sob shakes her small frame, but she remains silent. After a few minutes, her body goes slack and her chest rises and falls with shallow even breaths as she falls into an exhausted sleep.
I’ve never been more awake in my life. Abby…suicidal. My sweet girl was desperate and miserable enough to want to die. The pain that revelation has triggered is indescribable. Lying here, gazing at her face so slack and vulnerable, I know I’ll do anything to protect her. To defend her from whatever shit her ex has planned, and if need be, save her from herself. Just before I doze off, I return the light tap on the wall, reassuring Airen that she’s okay. Though at the moment, we both know that’s pretty far from the truth.
A soft moan of despair rouses me a few hours later. Soaked in sweat, she’s writhing and struggling, the blanket twisted around her, her breathing erratic. “You’re okay, Abby. I’m right here. Stop fighting.”
“No…please,” she sobs, still asleep. Shit. She’s having a nightmare. “Don’t…don’t tell them…please.”
“Abby, wake up!” Wide eyes filled with panic stare at me in dismay as her confusion drains away. She dives into my arms and clings to me, running her hands up and down my back as if assuring herself that I’m real. “I’ve got you, baby. It was just a nightmare. You’re safe.” She jumps and clutches me tighter when the bedroom door pops open. “Shh, it’s just Airen.”
He crouches by the bed, running his fingers down her face tenderly. When she cringes away from his touch, it hits him like a physical blow. “Abby, please. I’m so sorry. I know you’re pissed and you have every right to be. I’ll give you some time. Just remember I love you and I’ll never let anything happen to you or Carson.”
“It’s too late,” she whispers. “He’s here, and he’ll ruin everything.” Turning away from both of us, she buries her face in the pillow. “Please, I just want to go back to sleep.”
Airen leans to kiss her head. “I’m going.”
I catch his hand before he can walk away. “She’ll be okay.”
He nods and drops a quick kiss on my lips. “Stay with her,” he whispers before departing, closing the door behind him. The click of the latch is followed by the heartrending sound of Abby’s sobs. She doesn’t resist when I cradle her in my arms. Her face is hidden in my neck as she cries her heart out. While I would much rather hear her laugh, I’m relieved to see any emotion from her at this point. It’s terrifying to see her check out like that, just shut down and climb inside her own head. As much as I want to, I know there’s no point in questioning her any further. She just can’t talk about it yet. All I can do is hold her while she cries herself to sleep in my arms.
When I wake, she’s lying on her back and staring at the ceiling. “Abby? Are you okay, sweetheart?” Puffy, sad eyes gaze back at me when I prop my head on my hand.
“Fine,” she mumbles.
“Can we talk about it?”
“There’s no point. The damage is done.” Her voice is bitter and her face reflects her pain.
“I can’t stand to see you hurting like this, ladybug. Talk to me. Tell me what you need.”
“I need you to tell me yesterday didn’t happen. I need you to tell me Jon isn’t here, that Airen didn’t do this.”
My fingers run through her soft hair. “He wasn’t trying to hurt you, baby. You know he wouldn’t. We don’t know what’s going on with you. You won’t talk to us. What did Jon do to you? Why are you so afraid of him?”
The bed squeaks as she bolts upright and throws aside the covers. “I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell you all the gory details.” She sighs and pulls on her jeans before brushing her hair and tying it back.
“Abby.”
“Just drop it, Joseph. Wha
t’s done is done. I’m sorry I had a meltdown last night. I’m fine now. I need to go make breakfast.”
I catch her and pull her back against me, my arms circling her waist from behind while my chin rests on her shoulder. “You were crying in your sleep. Crying and talking. I know you have a secret. Something you think Airen and I can’t accept or understand, but you’re wrong, sweetheart. Whatever it is, we won’t judge you. There’s nothing that you could say to change our love for you.” She shakes her head and gnaws her lower lip. “Just think about it. I’m not going to pressure you. Come to either or both of us when you’re ready to talk.” Her lips are so soft when I take them with a gentle kiss. “Have faith in us, ladybug. Please, trust in our love for you.”
* * * *
True to his word, Jon doesn’t return that day, allowing her time to consider her options. Right now, she has opted to pretend everything is fine while regarding Airen with a passive aggressive attitude that’s difficult to watch. Christ, she has a temper. At least it calms our worries that she’ll hurt herself.
Airen approaches her after breakfast. “Abby, I know I fucked up. Just tell me what to do.”
“You’ve done enough.” Her voice is flat, uncaring.
“Do you want me to find where he’s staying? Make him leave town? Forbid him from coming near you or Carson?”
“Don’t bother.”
“Abby!” He sighs, fighting to reign in his temper.
Long hair whips through the air and hard brown eyes sear him to the bone. “You don’t get it. He’s not just going to leave. Unless you plan to guard Carson twenty-four seven, they’ll meet. I’m sure he’ll be a wonderful influence.”
“I just thought…”
“I don’t care what you thought! He’s my son! You had no right.”
“He’s my son, too. You agreed to that, remember?”
“A fucking mistake that he’s paying for.” Oh, she can cut him to the quick when she wants to. His expression reflects his devastation for only a second before he tamps it down, disguising his distress with fury.
The door slams behind her as she stalks out to the porch.
“Fuck!” He drops onto the couch.
I’ve had enough. I’m going to straighten her out. Abby stares at me warily when I sit beside her. “If you’ve come to plead his case, I don’t want to hear it.”
“That was cruel, Abigail. I know you’re upset, but you shouldn’t have said that. Airen loves Carson. He treats him like his own son. You know that.”
Shaking hands run through her hair. “Why didn’t he tell me? Why did he want Jon to find us?” she cries vehemently.
“I don’t know, but I know that whatever self deprecating reason your shitty self esteem has dreamed up is wrong.” Hurt shines from her face when she glances up at me. “I know you too well. So, what’s your theory? He wants Jon to take you off his hands?” Ashamed and guilty, she averts her eyes, showing me that I’ve hit the nail on the head.
“Abby, Abby, Abby.” I sigh, shaking my head. Sometimes I have the urge to shake some sense into her. How much of her self doubt and insecurity has come from Jon’s treatment? “After everything we’ve been through, how could you doubt him? How could you doubt me?”
“This has nothing to do with you!”
“The hell it doesn’t! Wouldn’t I have to be willing to let you go, as well? Get it through your thick stubborn head, Abigail. We love you. You’re ours. Forever.”
“Not if Jon has his way,” she mumbles.
“Do you think we’d let him take you from us?”
“He doesn’t have to. All he has to do is talk. You were right. There are things in my past that I don’t want you to know. I can’t stand the thought of it.”
“Abby.” Her body is warm in my embrace. “There’s absolutely nothing he can say that will stop us from loving you.”
“I’m afraid you’re going to find out that’s just not true,” she says softly.
“It is true. Without you, the color would drain from my world. I couldn’t bear to get out of bed if I couldn’t see those soft brown eyes or that shy little smile you get when I kiss your cheek. I won’t let anything or anyone take that from me…including you.”
Her arms tighten around me. “Joseph,” she says with a sigh.
“I don’t know why Airen left that letter, but I know he didn’t do it to hurt you. If he knew you’d be so upset he never would’ve done it. Talk to him, Abigail. Scream at him, curse at him, kick him in his arrogant balls if you need to…then forgive him. Because he loves you, and whatever is going on that has you so upset, you need him, and he sure as hell needs you.
“You don’t see all the ways he loves you. The way he stares at you when you aren’t paying attention, as if you hold his whole world upright. He’s awed and humbled at the powerful feelings you bring out in him. He worships you, ladybug. Don’t ever doubt it.”
Chapter Three
Abby
I have to get out of here. Ever since my little meltdown I haven’t had one second to myself. Joseph has stuck to me like a second skin. When he gets into the shower, I take advantage of the opportunity to escape. Though the sun has scarcely breached the horizon, the air is already hot and muggy, making my tank top stick to my sides. Without a real destination in mind, my feet carry me into the woods, down the trail toward Sara’s grave.
When I come to the small gurgling stream, I can’t resist wading in the cool water. After splashing my face and neck, I settle on a large rock and lie back, throwing my arm across my eyes to block out the world. My feet dangle in the brisk water while my mind struggles to come to grips with this disaster that’s sure to cost me everything I love. Maintaining an indifferent attitude and pretending I’m fine has taken all my energy and willpower, but has also helped me reign in the panic and despair. This is the beginning of the end of my relationship with Airen and Joseph. How much longer do I have with them?
My heart aches when I recall Joseph’s sweet voice swearing I have nothing to fear, that they won’t let Jon hurt me. They don’t understand the power he has. That he can hurt me in the worst, most brutal way. By destroying their love and respect for me, and revealing what a pathetic, disgusting person I really am, no matter how successfully I’ve managed to conceal it.
I have no doubt that he’ll tell them who I was and what I did before I wised up and accepted that I couldn’t be loved. They’ll see the hopeless waste of space that he saw; a pitiful mess just begging for someone to show me that I was wrong. That they’ll see me that way is unbearable, but worse is the betrayal and disgust they’ll feel when they learn the truth. They’ve loved me with everything they have, and it’ll leave them feeling tricked and dirty.
All because that son of a bitch is here. Since I found Airen and Joseph, Jon’s words had faded from my memory. Now they echo through my brain.
“It’s not my fault you come from worthless fucking people.”
“It’s makeup, not magic. I don’t know why you bother, it doesn’t help. Save your money.”
“I can’t have a kid with you. It’ll be just like you. Don’t name it after me. My first son when I marry will carry my name.”
“I tried to love you.”
“I found someone better than you. I don’t want you.”
“Since when are you such an early bird?” The remnants of his cruel words are drowned out by his smug voice as he steps into the clearing.
My first instinct is to give him whatever he wants if he’ll promise to go away and keep his mouth shut. But there’s another stronger side of me that won’t allow me to submit to him. A rational part that realizes it doesn’t matter what I say or do, he’s here to ruin my life, so why give him the satisfaction of making me beg for mercy that he’ll never show? I have to be strong, cold. “What do you want, Jon?” I demand.
“I want to see my son.”
“You’ve never claimed him, never gave a fuck before. Now you want to be father of the year?”
�
�What have you told him about me?”
“Very little. We were together three years, you kicked me out when I got pregnant, and I never saw you again. I didn’t see any point in telling him you insisted on an abortion.”
“He looks like me.”
“Not enough to hurt him.”
He laughs and his hand clamps down on my arm. “I want to meet him, Gail.”
“Then will you leave?” My voice is small, and it pisses me off. I can’t let him intimidate me.
He smirks. “Afraid I’ll screw up your little harem here?”
“Let the past stay in the past, and I’ll allow you to meet Carson.”
His eyes darken and narrow. “Allow me? Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”
I wince as his fingers tighten around my bicep. I didn’t lie to Airen when I said Jon never hit me. He always swore he’d never hit a woman, but he saw no problem with grabbing and pushing, sometimes hard enough to bruise.
“Take your fucking hands off of her.” Joseph steps into the clearing, his voice deathly calm, his expression fierce.
Jon releases me with a sneer. “Relax, we were just talking.”
“Everything okay, ladybug?” he asks, glaring at Jon who scoffs at the pet name.
“I’m fine.” Actually, I’m terrified one of them is going to swing at the other. Stepping between them and squaring my shoulders, I glare at Jon. “Tomorrow afternoon. Come after lunch, and I’ll make sure Carson is home.”
He nods, satisfied he won. “Tomorrow afternoon, Gail.” He walks away without another word, leaving me with a very pissed off boyfriend.
Grasping my shoulders firmly, his piercing green eyes bore into mine. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I reply shortly, shrugging out of his grasp.
“Why did you run off like that? You scared the shit out of me.”
“What do you mean, run off? I took a walk in the woods. Why are you following me?”