by S. M. Shade
“I won’t. I’m sorry. When we get home we’ll alternate nights with Abby,” I assure him, squeezing her hand. I don’t want him to think he’s losing her as well.
Joseph’s face falls, the realization I’m serious settling in. “I’ve heard you talking in your sleep. I know someone hurt you. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. We can work through it. Please, just talk to me.”
Oh, I want to say yes, but I can’t. I thought I was past all this. I was doing fine. Now suddenly, the thought of Joseph kissing me, touching me, just brings back all the shame. Steeling myself against the desperate plea in his voice, I force myself to say the words. “It’s over, Joseph.” The sight of tears filling his eyes sends a lump to my throat and wraps my chest in iron bands. I’d rather he beat the shit out of me than look at me like that.
“Fuck you, then, Airen. Keep your fucking secret! You and Abby and your goddamn secrets!” he shouts, storming off toward the RV.
Abby allows me to pull her into my lap and fuck if I haven’t made her cry too. She isn’t even trying to hide it. “This is what I was afraid of from the beginning, that we’d hurt him and we did. He’s devastated.”
“Shh…please don’t cry. We didn’t hurt him, sweetheart, I did. He still has you. Stay with him and help him through.” Her tears subside and I hold her until the sun rises, spreading a brilliant red-orange glow through the morning sky that should be heavy with storm clouds to match our mood.
“Where are you going?” she asks when I get to my feet, slipping my arm around her waist.
“I’m going to see if Eric will run into town with me. I need a tent or another camper to sleep in.”
“Away from Joseph,” she mumbles. I’m surprised when she presses a soft kiss on my lips. “Don’t think I don’t know he’s not the only one with a broken heart.”
Chapter Six
Joseph
Arrogant, selfish son of a bitch! Fuck him. I’m done.
The whiskey burns on the way down, sending a shudder through me. Drinking at six a.m. Airen’s fucking fault. The bed sheets are still wet with his sweat, his scent is everywhere. Yanking the sheets off, I toss them aside and remake the bed before flopping on the couch, bottle between my legs.
I should’ve seen this coming. It was too good to be true. A near death experience scared him into taking a chance, sticking his neck out for this relationship, but that effect wears off. Apparently, after about nine months. Abby steps through the door in time to see me taking another long swallow from the bottle and approaches me, eyes brimming with sympathy. I can’t deal with her right now, can’t stand the pity in her gaze. I’m on my feet before she can touch me.
“It’s going to be okay,” she says, her voice calm. How the hell does she know?
“I’m fine. This was always going to happen. Better now than in another year or two. It was never going to work. Go to Airen, Abby, you belong with him. God knows you have enough in common.”
Color flares in her cheeks. “Are you trying to end things with me? That’s how you’re going to deal with this?”
“Just leave me alone. This was a mistake. All of it.”
“No. You’re not breaking up with me.” Ass planted firmly on the couch, her silent stare dares me to throw her out.
“You don’t get to decide that.”
“Yes, I do. Tell me you don’t want me when you aren’t upset and pissed over Airen and then I’ll believe you.”
My sigh echoes around the small space. Why am I taking this out on her? “I can’t. I’ll always want you.”
“Then shut up. I can’t nurse your broken heart with one of my own. You aren’t allowed to shatter me until we glue you back together.” She makes room for me on the couch and runs her hand down my back when I sit beside her.
“I’m fine. You should go get some breakfast. We’re supposed to target shoot today,” I reply, resting my face in my hands.
“Joseph.” The stubborn edge returns to her voice as she tugs my hands away. “Don’t shut me out.”
My laugh is bitter and short. “I learned from the best. I’m done being an open book while you and Airen hoard your secrets. Fine. Fuck it.” I’m aware I’m being an asshole again, but I can’t seem to control it. Hurt flashes in her eyes before she squashes it and gets to her feet. Shit. I don’t want her to leave. “Wait, baby. I’m sorry. Don’t go.” She stares at me silently while I rub my temples. “I’m lashing out at the wrong person. In twenty-four hours I went from the only man he sees to a speck in the rearview mirror.”
Her comforting scent fills my nostrils as I’m enveloped in her embrace. “Abby…God…he left me. Just like that. Airen left me.” The torturous year I spent trying to hide the fact I was in love with him was a walk in the park compared to this. Now I know what it’s like to be held by him, kissed by him, taken by him. Loved by him. Because he does love me, even if he hates himself for it. How do I live without that now? How do I watch him, day after day, knowing he doesn’t want me? Fuck. No wonder Troy ran.
“It isn’t over, Joseph, no matter what he says. This isn’t really about you. You know that, don’t you? He’s a mess right now, just as heartbroken.”
“Good,” I mutter, and she chuckles, brushing my hair from my forehead.
“Between us, you think he was molested, don’t you?”
“Judging by his nightmares and his reaction to Sammy, yes. Something happened to him, and I think Sammy’s story brought it back to him.” It’s more than a few nightmares. From the beginning, Airen has shied away from certain sex acts, even when I can see he’s aroused by the thought. He’ll fuck me, but try to lay a finger near his ass and he freaks. A few times when he’s had a nightmare, he’s said a name, Craig, as if he’s addressing a demon.
“Don’t give up on him. He loves you. He’ll see this secret is tearing apart your relationship.” Her head shakes at my sardonic glare, a defeated look on her face.
“No offense, ladybug, but stones and glass houses come to mind.”
Eyes the color of rich caramel stare into mine, brimming with hard earned wisdom. “Sharing some secrets can be liberating, free us from pain and solitude. But others are only destructive, resurfacing to steal our happiness, drag us down, and destroy everything we worked to overcome.”
“I’m going to say this once more. There’s nothing you could tell me that would change how I love you.”
“You were trying to break up with me ten minutes ago,” she replies dryly.
“I’m sorry, baby. You know I didn’t mean it.” Resting her head on my chest, she runs a palm down my cheek.
“I know, but don’t do that again. You scared me.”
“And pissed you off.”
“That too. It hurt,” she confesses in a small voice, and I want to kick my own ass.
“Ladybug…”
“Just listen,” she interrupts. “I need you to know something. You don’t have to be with me to be with Airen. I love you, but I won’t inflict myself on someone who doesn’t want me ever again. It’ll break my heart to let you go, but I want you to be happy. You were never given the chance just to be with him, without me in the picture. I want you to know you have that…option. We could alternate nights with him. You aren’t stuck with me because you love him.”
Fuck. It’s so hard for Abby to trust, to really believe she’s loved. I’ve probably undone months of built up trust with one stupid remark. “Don’t say that, sweetheart. You’re my sun, Abby. My day doesn’t start until I see your sweet smile or end until you kiss me goodnight. I can’t stand it when you’re unhappy or afraid. I’d do anything for you. I love the hell out of you.
“But it worries me you have things you’re scared to tell me, just like Airen. It’s torn us apart and I don’t want to lose you too. Plus, I don’t like Jon holding you hostage by your fears. Even if he leaves without telling anything, you’ll always worry. It’s better to just say it. Like pulling a rotten tooth. Get it out. Get it over with. Face the pain and then
it’s gone.”
“Leaving an ugly gap for everyone to see,” she murmurs. Pulling her legs up, she puts a little space between us before whispering, “I’m ashamed.”
Oh, my sweet girl. What could she be so ashamed of? I slip an arm behind her back and under her knees to scoop her onto my lap. “Of what?”
“Who I was. What I did. How I let him treat me,” she replies, her fingers fumbling with my shirt.
“That’s on him, Abigail.”
“You don’t understand. A year into the relationship he told me he didn’t love me.”
“But you stayed with him,” I murmur, beginning to understand her shame.
“Worse, I begged him not to leave me. I loved him. I knew no one would ever love me, they couldn’t. I was unlovable. If I couldn’t be with someone who loved me, I could at least be with someone I loved. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t love me. I wasn’t even good in bed.”
If she wasn’t in my lap, Jon would be in two pieces by now. “He told you that?”
“He couldn’t stay hard,” she whispers.
“Abby, Christ, that was his issue not yours. He blamed you?” Her silence is answer enough. “And he left when you got pregnant?”
She nods. “He thought I did it on purpose to trap him. He was so pissed.”
“Abigail, tell me the truth. Did he ever hit you?”
“No. He shoved me a few times and I’d have bruises on my wrist from his fingers squeezing too tight, but he didn’t, you know, beat me. He kicked me out. Told me to get an abortion, but he wouldn’t pay for it or go with me. Carson can never know the only reason he’s here is because I couldn’t come up with eight hundred dollars.”
“You’re ashamed you’d have had an abortion to keep Jon?”
“No. I knew he was done with me either way. I just didn’t want to pass on my genes. Make another unlovable person,” she says as if it’s a matter of course.
“Please tell me you know now you aren’t unlovable.” I squeeze her tight. “That your boys are loved.”
“Yes,” she whispers.
I can sense the “but” that she doesn’t speak. But only because the choices of women are limited, but only because you don’t really know who I am. But, but, but. Doubt shines in her eyes when I tip her head to kiss her lips. “Did you hear from Jon again?”
“He showed up a few times, pressuring me to get the termination. Once it was too late for that, he tried to talk me into giving him up for adoption. When I promised not to seek child support, he demanded I not name Carson after him and left us alone.” She sighs, dipping her head so I can’t see her face. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore right now, okay?”
I know we’ve only scraped the surface of Abby’s past. That she hasn’t revealed whatever it is Jon’s torturing her with, but she’s trying.
“I don’t want anything to come between us, but, please, can you let it go until we get home safe? Raiding a hotel to free sex slaves, you and Airen fighting, everyone’s exes hanging around, there’s only so much I can deal with at once.”
“Okay, baby. We can take it slow. Just don’t pull away from me. I’ll love you no matter what you tell me.”
She nods. “Just let me be here for you through this…bump with Airen.”
“He dumped me.”
“He loves you.”
“It may not be enough.”
“I love you.”
“That’s all that’s holding me together right now, ladybug.” Scooping her small body against my chest, I carry her to the bed. Her hands are cool on my chest. I just need to hold her. I need to drown out the agony of Airen’s words, to feel loved. To make her feel loved. “I love you. I think you’re beautiful and sexy and extremely good in bed. It used to kill me listening to Airen brag about how you could fuck. I’d spend the rest of the day with a hard on, picturing your legs wrapped around me.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. Please, just let me hold you and pretend we’re the only two people in the world right now,” I whisper, pressing her close, leaving no space between us.
* * * *
It pours rain all day, the sky mocking me, crying tears I can’t seem to shed. I’m grateful for the shitty weather since it effectively cancelled our plans for target practice today. I can’t deal with Airen right now. Can’t just act like everything is fine while everyone watches our little drama. They probably think I deserve it, coming between Airen and Abby—literally and figuratively—intruding on their marriage. And they’re right. I’m a dick. I deserve this. What I did was wrong. Yet the knowledge of that doesn’t keep me from spending the day wrapped around Abby, clinging to my girl, the only other person in the world who knows how it feels to love him.
When we wake the next morning, rain falls in torrents, creating a curtain around the RV, isolating us, enclosing us in our own cozy little world. Soft lips press against my jaw and small, smooth hands run over my body, caressing, soothing. Trying to lessen the pain. I love her, and God knows I need her, but these moments are bittersweet. Her touch isn’t his. Her words can’t make it better. She can’t fill the hole left when Airen retracted his love and called it done. She can’t take his place.
A soft sigh against my neck pulls me from my pool of self pity. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m not much fun today. Why don’t you go see Airen, or visit with Troy and Nic?”
“And leave you here to sulk yourself to death?”
“I don’t think that’s medically possible.”
“Why take the chance?” A mischievous light sparkles in her eyes, and she tugs me to my feet. “Come on, put some shorts on. You can’t lie here all day.”
“Sure I can.” She giggles as I pull her back into bed with me. “As long as I have a soft, sweet smelling, sexy woman to hold onto.”
“I’ll keep an eye out for one. Until then, get dressed.”
“I don’t want to see anyone, Abigail.” I don’t know if word of our breakup has reached Troy, but if so, I don’t want to see the look of pity on his face, or worse, vindication.
“Nope. Just us,” she chirps, tugging a light blue tee shirt over her head.
“Where do you plan to go? It’s pouring.”
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” The smirk on her face could rival Airen’s any day. Shit. Can’t I go five minutes without thinking about him? Waving an orange Frisbee, she says, “We’re going to get some exercise.”
“In the rain?”
“Aw, are you made of sugar? You going to melt?” she taunts.
“You’re crazy. Now let me wallow.”
“I would, but I seem to remember my wallowing getting interrupted by a forced day of sledding not all that long ago.”
“I gave you weeks!”
“If Airen goes missing, I’ll give you weeks. You get in a fight, you get one day to brood and it’s over. So get up.” A pair of sandals plop at my feet and she stares down at me with a grin.
“It wasn’t a fight. He left me,” I grumble, ignoring her satisfied expression as I pull on my shorts and shoes.
“Whatever. It’s temporary. I promise I’ll let you sulk all night, but first we do this.”
Once Abby gets an idea in her head, fighting her is like trying to hold back a freight train. “Fine, but if you slip and break an ankle, don’t come running to me.”
“Very funny.”
We’re soaked to the skin in seconds. After a half hour of chasing the Frisbee, the rain begins to let up. Water runs from my hair into my eyes, blurring my view of Abby’s smiling face. She wanted to distract me and it worked.
Look at my little tomboy, mud streaked up her arms and spattered over her legs, wet hair pasted to her head, tiny nipples pressed against her shirt. I want to throw her down right there in the mud.
Instead, I lift her up, and she squeals, wrapping her legs around my waist. Our kiss is a warm place in a cloud of shivers and goosebumps. “You’re freezing and dirty,” I whisper, nipping her earlobe.
“You like me dirty.”
“Hell yeah, I do, but I think I’ll dip you in the pond before I take you in and dirty you up some more.”
“I’ll grab some soap,” she replies with a giggle, and heads into the RV.
Fog rolls in, spreading across the surface of the pond, and Abby moans as she slips into the water. “Mmm, it’s warmer than the air.” Holding her nose, she tilts her head back, and dips beneath the surface, drenching her hair.
“Come here, baby.” I work the coconut scented shampoo through her hair, grinning at the low moan that rattles her throat. She always appears so astonished when Airen or I care for her like this. So appreciative of any small kindness. It makes me doubt she ever had anyone who gave a damn before us.
I conceal her body with mine while she removes her shirt and bikini top and washes quickly. After slipping her bikini top back on, she returns and rubs her soap slick hands over my chest and back. Her eyes droop just a little, her lips parting on a soft sigh. She’s turned on. “Joseph, someone will see,” she protests when I pull her shorts and panties down.
“Relax, we’re hidden in the fog.” The water is chest deep, lapping at her nipples as I back her up against the dock piling. “Plus, you’re below the water line. No one will see you.” Before she can argue, my fingers are inside her. Moaning, she captures my lips, all protests forgotten. Quick hands slide down my shorts, snagging them and pulling them off. Our wet clothes lay in a pile on the dock while our hands and mouths adore one another. “Wrap your legs around me. We need to make this quick.”
“I think I’ll come if you breathe on me, right now,” she gasps, clamping her legs around my hips. Damn good thing because I’m right there with her. With her back against the piling, she reaches above her head and holds onto the dock, angling her body to take me in.
Fuck. She’s so hot and snug. Our hips slam together in a steady rhythm. “So good, Abby, so hot.” The words fall freely from my lips, compelled by the sensation of her tightening around me as spasms rack her body. Her lips part with a whimper and the sound of her moaning my name with a mixture of ecstasy and desperation jerks the orgasm from me without warning. Goddamn, this woman drives me out of my mind.