People around me stood up, grabbed their overhead carry-on items and waited for the plane to start disembarking. Knowing I’d be there for at least a few more minutes before anyone started moving, I chose to stay in my seat. I clicked on the voicemail icon and put the phone to my ear.
“Carter.” The second I heard my name come across the speaker, I closed my eyes as the rise and fall of her voice surrounded me. The mystery number was Julia. “I’m sorry. I got your number from your application. It’s Julia. I’m sorry. . . . about everything. I shouldn’t . . . I couldn’t . . .” she paused, and I willed her voice to keep going so I could listen to it forever. “I don’t expect you to call me back, but I want you to. I know it’s complicated. You don’t know me. I don’t know you. And I might be your boss . . . well kind of. I’m rambling. I know you’re flying home. I just . . . I like you, Carter. I don’t normally act like I did last night. I don’t want you to think that’s the kind of girl I am. I . . . I’m sorry. I put you in a terrible position. Thanks for being such a gentleman.” With that, the voicemail ended. No goodbye, nothing.
I was a gentleman? The dream or vision or whatever you want to call it didn’t portray me as a gentleman. If we did what I think we did, then I not only had too much to drink and made a rash decision with a beautiful girl, but I took advantage of the fact that she also had too much to drink. Let’s not forget leaving her sleeping in a hotel room, too. I sighed, thinking of my dad. He was an alcoholic, recovering but always considered to be one. He would be disappointed in my choice to drink so much I couldn’t even remember what I’d done.
I pulled into the gravel parking lot of the Sanibel Beach Club where my parents owned a time share. It was the same place they’d been coming since they were babies, and where they’d reconnected just years ago. My fingers had hovered over Julia’s phone number the entire forty-five-minute ride from the airport, but I hadn’t called her. I honestly had no idea what to say and figured I needed to talk to my dad and Hayden to help me set my brain straight before I attempted to contact her. I mean, what if I did get the job? What if I didn’t? Would I want to see her again anyway? She lived in Denver, after all. If I didn’t move there, what reason would I have to keep in touch with her? Because you can’t stop thinking about her, that annoying voice inside me reminded me.
I forced the thoughts from my head as I grabbed my suitcase from my trunk and made my way to the condo. I was already sweating, the humid August heat making my shirt stick to my back immediately.
The second I knocked on the door, it swung open and my five-year-old sister Gretchen stood there, her face beaming. Dropping my suitcase so I could catch her, I laughed as her body catapulted into mine. “Carter! You’re here! Mommy! Daddy! Jackson! Logan! Carter is here!” I hugged her tightly, kissing her head. God, I loved this girl. Never mind the fact that we were a lifetime of years apart; when we were together, she was my girl. My whole life, I’d wanted siblings. It didn’t matter that I was technically old enough to be her dad; she was my little sister and I’d protect her life with mine.
I carried her into the condo, leaving my bag outside the door. Just then, three-year-old Jackson skidded around the corner and attached himself to my legs. I removed one arm from around Gretchen and ruffled his hair. I started tickling Gretchen so she would let me give Jackson some attention, and she squealed, wiggling out of my grasp. Just as I lifted Jackson to hug and kiss him, my parents stopped in front of us. First, as always, I looked at my mom, carrying a sleeping baby Logan. She was beautiful, even in her early forties. Her blonde hair was pulled up into a ponytail, and her green eyes were bright. It wasn’t until my parents had gotten back together that I’d realized the spark had always been missing from her eyes; now she always looked so happy. My dad’s arm was around her shoulders. He was always touching her in some way or another. As much as a child didn’t want to think about their parents being ‘together’, the love they have for each other was always evident in some tangible way. For example, the three children they’ve had in the last five years.
My dad looked tan and muscular as always. No one would guess that these two were almost middle aged. They looked not much older than me. Then again, they’d had me when they were eighteen so there was that. “Carter,” he said first, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around me. Jackson squealed, loving being a ‘Jackson sandwich’ as he said. “We’re so glad you’re here, son.” My stomach constricted. I loved when he said that simple word that was so often taken for granted. Son. It somehow didn’t have the same impact when Ronan said it. Maybe because I knew now it was all a lie.
“So, tell us all about it!” Mom beamed, settling Logan into my arms. I looked down at his face, so peaceful in his sleep. It looked like he’d grown just in the few days it had been since I’d seen him. Dad went out to grab my forgotten bag from outside the door, and both Gretchen and Jackson followed me to the couch. I traced my finger along Logan’s smooth cheek, breathing in the baby powder smell. Just being here calmed me and made my head clearer.
Once my dad was seated next to my mom on the love seat, they both turned to me expectantly. I took a deep breath, wondering where in the world to start with this crazy story. I knew part of the story would have to be left out until later, and even then I wasn’t sure I wanted to share it.
“It was amazing,” I said finally. “The buildings, the city. It’s breathtaking. It would be my absolute dream come true to work there.”
“So what did they ask you?”
“They knew a lot about me already,” I admitted. “So I didn’t have to get into my coursework and field experience. They asked me why I was the best for the job and I asked them a lot of questions about their green building sites and the types of jobs I would be involved in. Mr. Gibbons said he was impressed.”
My parents beamed at my response. “Of course,” my mom said. “You are the best one for the job.”
I laughed. Typical mom response. “Well, I don’t know about that. He did do one thing that I guess he didn’t with anyone else.”
“What was that?”
Julia’s face flashed into my mind, the way she had stopped my train of thought when she’d breezed into the room wearing that tight pencil skirt and low cut blouse. My brain then immediately went to her lying in my bed just this morning, her alluring body like a beacon of light in the dark. Remembering my dream on the plane, I felt my face flush.
“Uh oh,” my dad’s voice interrupted me. “I know that look.”
“What look?”
“This has something to do with a girl, doesn’t it?” My dad chuckled, grinning over at my mom. A look passed between them before they both turned back to look at me, waiting for my response.
“No. Well, yes. But not like that.” Exactly like that, I thought. “He had me meet his daughter, Julia. She’s the head of interns, but she’s just twenty-four. She told me that he didn’t ask her to be a part of any of the other interviews.”
“That’s great news!” My mom clapped, stopping immediately when Logan stirred in my arms. I patted him softly, settling him back into sleep. Jackson and Gretchen sat on the floor, their wide eyes listening to every word though they didn’t understand what I was talking about.
“So how long until you find out?”
“I should know in the next few days, either way.”
“So tell us,” my dad said.
“Tell you what?”
“The rest of the story, son. I know that isn’t it.”
Damn him for being so perceptive. I’d wanted to talk to him, but now I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I felt my face flame as I thought of my dream, and what possibly happened last night. I looked at Gretchen and Jackson, then at my parents. “I can’t get into it right now.” I was embarrassed, in disbelief that I was being so transparent about my feelings.
“Let’s go get ready for the beach!” My mom stood up, holding out her hands for Gretchen and Jackson. I knew exactly what she was doing, and I appreciated it.
“Carter, are you coming?” Gretchen asked, her little face twisting into a frown. “You make the best sandcastles.”
“Yes,” I laughed. “I’ll be down in just a bit once Logan wakes up. Okay, sweetie?”
She nodded, looking down at Jackson. “Come on, bud. Let’s go get your bathing suit on. Carter will come play with us soon.” The two of them ran to their bedroom, Gretchen mothering Jackson as always.
“If you want to talk to me about it later, I’m always here for you,” Mom said. “But if it’s something you’d rather just talk to your dad about, I understand.” She leaned over and pressed a kiss to my cheek, then kissed my dad before walking into the kids’ room to get them ready for the beach.
Silence settled over the room as I stared at Logan’s peaceful face, wishing I could rewind time and make a different decision while at the bar. “He’s gotten so big. How’s he doing?”
My dad laughed. He knew what I was doing. “He’s a great baby. Kind of has to be when you have two other demanding siblings. He’s the perfect end to our family.” He looked at me, studying me for a moment. “Carter, what is bothering you? What happened?”
I took a deep breath, still avoiding my dad’s gaze. “I think I screwed up, Dad. Badly.” He waited, not saying a word, for me to continue. I lifted my eyes to meet his, trying hard to keep my composure. “This is hard to say.”
“I’m sure whatever it is can’t be worse than things I did when I was your age. Let me help you, Carter. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is.”
Or it could be worse, I thought.
“So I told you I met Julia, Mr. Gibbons daughter. She. . . . she’s gorgeous, Dad. I don’t just mean a pretty girl that turns your head on the street. She’s much more than that. When she walked into that room in my interview, I lost my entire train of thought. Here I am, this college graduate interviewing for the most coveted spot in the industry, and I lose my mind over his daughter.”
My dad laughed. “That’s it? That’s what has you so torn up? Carter, please don’t stress about it. I sure as hell know a thing or two about being all twisted up over a girl.” He indicated the room where my mom could be heard talking to the kids. “My whole life, son. Every single day. If you get the job and have to work with her, well, you’ll have to see. It may just be that you were meant to be there and meet her.”
“That’s not it,” I explained, wishing that was all it was. “After the interview, I went to a sports bar to keep my mind off the stress of everything. She showed up there. We had drinks together. Many drinks.” I paused, allowing the implications of that to settle. A ripple of concern passed over my dad’s face, but he didn’t respond. “I knew I shouldn’t be there with her, but there was something so sad about her, sitting there with me. She begged me to stay, Dad. After a few hours, she wasn’t in any condition to get home herself. I asked her where she lived, but she was kind of out of it. So I took her back to my hotel since it was just a few blocks away.” I stopped, closing my eyes at the frustration of not knowing what the hell I did after that.
“I told her I’d sleep on the couch. She drank some more, but even though I just met her, I knew that it wasn’t like her. Something was bothering her, and I wanted to be there for her even though I knew it wasn’t a good idea. Last thing I remember is sitting on my couch where she climbed on my lap and asked me to take it away for one night.”
My dad sat up, his elbows resting on his knees as he listened. “The last thing you remember?” My dad’s always been honest with me about his drinking problem and the years he wasted at the bottom of a bottle trying to get over losing my mom.
“I know,” I answered. “But that’s not all. So I woke up this morning and was in bed with her, Dad. We didn’t have any clothes on, neither one of us. And I have no idea what happened, if anything. I was so embarrassed and scared, I left without waking her up. She left me a voicemail while I was on the plane that nothing would change for me with the job. I don’t think she remembers either, and this whole thing scares me to death. What the heck did I do? After all I’ve worked for!”
“Carter,” he began. “First of all, it sounds like she’s just as embarrassed about this as you are. If she says it isn’t going to be a factor in you getting the job, then you need to believe her. However, what I’m most concerned about here is that you both drank so much you can’t remember what happened. That’s dangerous, son. I don’t have to tell you that. If you did sleep with her, would you have used protection? I don’t have to get into the dangers of unprotected sex. On top of it all, I’m worried that you’re turning to alcohol to settle your nerves and to stop yourself from acting on an attraction you have to someone. You’re young, and God knows I understand that, but you need to be careful. You know my story. I don’t want that to happen to you.”
I’d known he would be disappointed about my drinking and essentially blacking out, but in my worry about what had or hadn’t happened, I’d never thought about protection. I didn’t carry things like that with me on a regular basis, so I knew if we’d had sex, it hadn’t been protected, which brought up a whole other plethora of worry.
“Oh God,” I said. “What have I done?” I looked down at Logan, so peaceful in my arms. As much as I loved him, I wasn’t ready for one of my own. Especially with someone I’d known only hours.
“You said she called you while you were on the plane? I think it’s time you call her back and have a conversation. You’re a grown up, Carter. You can’t bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away. Plus, you aren’t the type of man who walks out on a woman like that, no matter what happened. If you get this job, you’ll have to deal with her professionally and deal with whatever feelings you have towards her. And if you don’t get the job, you still should be a man and talk to her. From what you’ve said, you like her.”
“I do like her,” I admitted, “but it’s complicated. I don’t know her. I’m attracted to her, and she was a lot of fun to be around, but that’s not what I’m there for.”
My dad smirked. “Son, if there’s one thing you’ll learn about this life, it’s that nothing ever goes according to plan, and that the best-laid plans often don’t work the way you think they will.” He stood, reaching his arms out for Logan. “I’m going to go with your mom and the kids down to the beach. You call Julia and set things straight, and then come join us. Okay?”
“She told me in her voicemail that she liked me,” I told him. “I’m scared about that. I’ve purposely kept my distance from women that could interfere with my life plan. She’s a game changer, Dad. I know it. I can feel it.”
He turned back to me. “While your dream to work at this company seems number one in your life right now, in my experience there’s nothing like finding the person you’re supposed to live your life with. I know you just met this girl, but you’re all twisted up over her. Explore it. Figure it out. Don’t shut yourself off because you think you should. A job is a job; it’s not your life. This—-” he indicated around him “—-is life. Whether it’s her or someone else, don’t purposely try to keep yourself from having a connection with someone because you’re afraid.”
“I’m not afraid,” I lied.
“Yes, you are,” he answered. “And I understand why. Just don’t let the past decide your future, Carter. Believe me. It won’t get you anywhere.” With that, he turned and walked out the door my mom and the kids had left a few minutes before. I pushed myself off of the couch and stood at the slider, watching the waves lap the shore over and over. I looked back at my phone, mocking me from the table. I needed to be a man, but the little boy inside of me was pouting and shaking his head no. I thought back to what my dad had just said to me about life being more important than a job. It was the exact opposite of what Ronan had instilled in me, and it confused me even though I knew what the right answer was. I’d always thought your life was your job, and how high on the ladder you could get determined your worth as a man.
I finally snatched the phone up, i
rritated at myself. Just as I was about to hit her number to call her, the screen changed and Hayden’s face illuminated on the screen. Saved. I hit accept on the call.
“Hayden,” I answered.
“Hey, Mac!” He’d taken to calling me Mac, short for McIntyre after I’d officially changed my last name. It had been annoying at first, but I kinda liked it now. “You back?”
“I’m back,” I echoed. “And boy do I need your advice, man. You coming over here?” I knew already what I needed to do, but for some reason I needed someone else to tell me what I should do. Or tell me I was a moron. Either one.
“Yeah, I’m on the road. I’ll be there in a few hours. You okay?”
I breathed out slowly. “I’m not sure. I think I may have screwed things up.”
Hayden laughed. “I’m sure you knocked it out of the park, Mac. You’re a shoo-in for that internship.” I couldn’t tell him that wasn’t what I was worried about, well at least not the biggest thing. I’d wait until he got here before unloading that on him.
“Call me when you’re close, I’m headed out to the beach with my family right now.”
We flopped onto the lounge chairs surrounding the pool, water dripping off of us from our rigorous swim. Hayden shook his head, his long curly hair flinging water all over me. He looked up at me, his shit-eating grin telling me he did that on purpose. He was, by account of most women we came across, a catch, with his light brown curls, big green eyes, and tall, muscular body. He was also hilarious and my best friend in the world. In the years I’d known him, he’d never had a serious girlfriend either. We liked keeping them at arms length and focusing on school and our goals.
“Thanks,” I laughed. Hayden had just gotten here about an hour ago and we’d spent time in the pool, catching up on meaningless bull. He and I had been inseparable since we became roommates when we were both freshmen in college. He graduated last year with a degree in Marketing and was working for a PR firm in Fort Lauderdale. I missed the time we used to spend together and knew no matter where my new career took me, it was going to take me away from here. This was, in a way, a last hurrah for us before I joined the ranks of real life.
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