Dear Luke, We Need to Talk, Darth

by John Moe

  I love the dinosaur ribs. Completely delicious. I just wish they didn’t tip over my car every single time I order them. My car is pretty durable, being made of rock and all, but it’s still a hassle and the ribs get dirt on them, which is disappointing even for a caveman like me.

  * * *

  HOTELS

  Heartbreak Hotel

  Lonely Street

  Look, I appreciate theme hotels as much as anyone. I’ve stayed in tropical hotels. I’ve stayed in ones decked out to look like the Old West. I even stayed in one decorated like Medieval times! So I was willing to give Heartbreak Hotel a chance.

  However, I must report that it just flat BUMMED ME OUT. The whole hotel is based around relationships ending badly! Who thought THAT was a good idea? The bellhop is constantly weeping. The desk clerk is dressed in black and looks like a Marilyn Manson impersonator.

  The other guests I talked to at the hotel told me that they were so lonely that they could, in fact, die. How long had they been there? Since their baby left them is all they would say. I was hoping to get some tips on fun places to visit but no dice. The staff and other guests recommended staying in my room and weeping. Hello? What kind of vacation is that?! LOL.

  Here’s what worries me: if everyone’s so lonely they could die, are they really going to die there? Is it more of a Heartbreak Hospice? I don’t know. I left in a hurry the next morning.

  Two stars because the breakfast buffet was delish! (Skip the pitcher of human tears. Go for the orange juice instead.)

  * * *

  Bates Motel

  Fairvale, California

  Pluses: affordable, clean, easy parking.

  Minuses: I was stabbed to death in the shower.

  * * *

  Overlook Hotel

  Somewhere in Colorado

  Okay, I want to respond to all the other online reviews I’ve seen of this place. Sure, several winter caretakers have gone insane there, and, yes, a few of them have killed themselves and their families. If that’s a crime, I guess they are guilty.

  And if you’re easily frightened by creepy ghost twins appearing in the hallways or people in bear costumes giving oral sex to guys in tuxedos, then no, maybe this hotel isn’t for you. Go stay at the Super 8, or the Doubletree, or something. But if you like old-fashioned elegance and can put up with the occasional elevator of blood, this is a great place to go.

  In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I’m a weird ghost butler who hangs out in the bathroom.

  * * *

  Kellerman’s Resort

  Catskill Mountains, NY

  I enjoy dancing but I’m not really crazy about all the “dirty” dancing that goes on here. On the positive side, I found the corners to be refreshingly baby-free.

  * * *

  Sound City Studios

  “Home of the Hits”

  ENGINEER’S NOTES FROM THE RECORDING OF FLEETWOOD MAC’S RUMOURS

  February 4, 1976

  All band members arrived today for the start of writing and recording sessions. Immediately, I could tell that this was a band in utter chaos. The success of the previous album was great, but this same success meant pressure that seems to have caused quite a bit of strife. Christine and John McVie are in the process of getting divorced after eight years of marriage. Mick Fleetwood has broken up with his wife after discovering that she was having an affair with his best friend. Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks, who came into the group as a couple, have mostly split up but seem to have an on-again, off-again thing going on.

  The band doesn’t speak to each other about any of these personal matters, choosing instead to only talk about the music that they’re making. I guess that’s a good plan, though I find it hard to believe that they can leave it outside the studio entirely.

  Today was mostly setting things up: Stevie’s long gauzy scarf collection needed to be inventoried, Lindsey had to find a good place to plug in his curling iron, and a distribution system needed to be found for the remarkable amount of cocaine required by the folk rock musicians of our era.

  * * *

  February 9, 1976

  Lindsey and Stevie broke up and got back together this morning during a demo session for “Never Going Back Again.” Pretty sure they might have broken up once more right around the bridge. I couldn’t tell for sure because I was too creeped out by the dirty looks Christine was giving John.

  * * *

  February 11, 1976

  There seems to be a detente between Lindsey and Stevie. A workable relationship has been established wherein Lindsey writes and arranges most of the songs and Stevie glares at him while providing harmonies.

  More complex is the relationship between the McVies. Their divorce is clearly weighing heavily on Christine who managed to channel it into “Don’t Stop,” which is a great song that’s pretty clearly about someone (John) struggling with substance abuse and addiction. If you take away the verses and just listen to the chorus, however, you’d think it was a blandly positive feel-good tune, the kind you might use at political rallies or something. Wouldn’t that be weird? Say, a presidential candidate using “Don’t Stop” to get votes while ignoring that it’s really about John McVie’s crippling addiction issues?

  Anyway, John’s playing on the song about his own habits is perfect, but I was embarrassed to learn that John McVie has actually been dead for three days. Yep, massive drug overdose. So who was playing the bass? The cocaine ITSELF. Yep, this is some high-grade shit, capable of keeping a solid bass track rolling along through three days of recording. Good thing Fleetwood Mac is so successful and we could afford the good stuff. Using a defibrillator, some strong coffee, and a shaman that Stevie knew, we got John back and he doesn’t seem aware that anything had happened. So it all worked out. We had to pay the cocaine three days of union scale wages. Last I heard, it was hoping to hook up with Foghat.

  * * *

  February 28, 1976

  Stevie is kind of a genius, it turns out. During a break, she found a little room in the back and sat down and wrote a song called “Dreams.” It kind of plays out the way she’s dealt with her relationship with Lindsey, their breakup, their reuniting, their breakup again, her relationship with the rest of the band, and some other issues that surprised us.

  Check out these lyrics from the second verse:

  Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions

  And by that I mean, of course, cocaine

  It’s only me who wants to buy a ton more scarves and,

  Have you any scarves you’d like to sell?

  I’m going to spin around right now,

  Like a gypsy witch to drive you mad

  In the stillness of remembering I’m Stevie Nicks,

  I’m pretty sure I’m Stevie Nicks, am I Stevie Nicks, what kind of name is Stevie?

  Thunder only happens when it’s raining

  Look, I’m no expert in climatology

  Say, women, they will come and they will go

  Could someone make me a scarf made out of cocaine?

  They need some tinkering, sure, but I think she’s onto something.

  * * *

  March 9, 1976

  Fleetwood Mac has an unlimited budget on this album and really no constraints of any kind. This means that they roll into the studio at around 7 p.m. and basically start partying. And because they’re such a hot band, these parties draw plenty of people who have no place in the creation of music.

  Last night alone, we had Sissy Spacek, Marty Feldman, Robert Hegyes, and Ron Palillo from Welcome Back Kotter, California Governor Jerry Brown, serial killer Ted Bundy, the 1976 Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers, Loretta Swit, Lee Majors, and Bigfoot.

  Normally I wouldn’t mind but after enough drugs and alcohol, a few of these “celebrities” think that playing music isn’t all that hard and maybe they could do it too. The band members go along with it and I’m stuck recording all these “sessions” that I know will never make the final c
ut of Rumours.

  Among the tracks recorded last night:

  • “Revenge of the Lesser Sweathogs”

  • “Six Million Dollar Love”

  • “I’ve Got Some Solar Energy Proposals (In My Pants)”

  • “You Guys, I Am Seriously a Murderer, This Is Not a Song, It Is a Confession, Please Stop Me”

  • “The Steel Curtain of My Cocaine Dreams” (Mean Joe Greene and Stevie duet)

  • “Bigfoot Makes Loving Fun”

  Again, garbage.

  * * *

  March 11, 1976

  You know what I said about not using those tracks? Yeah, well it turns out Bigfoot is sort of in the band now. At first I didn’t notice because I thought it was just Mick in a different outfit. You learn not to question nudity or strong smells around here, but it’s Bigfoot alright. He’s going out with Christine.

  Actually, first it was Christine-Bigfoot, then Stevie-Bigfoot, Lindsey-Bigfoot, Lindsey-Lindsey (thinking it was still Bigfoot), Bigfoot-Mick-Stevie, and back to Christine-Bigfoot. She turned “Bigfoot Makes Loving Fun” into the more vague “You Make Loving Fun.” It’s not a bad song, actually, and it’s good to see her happy.

  The tension comes from her insistence that Bigfoot join the band on gong. Very few songs originally had gong in them and it’s certainly something that Mick could take care of. But nope, there’s Bigfoot, smacking the gong hard at moments no one expects. It’s pretty unnerving, especially when you’re high as a kite on cocaine. The other band members, of course, complain but Christine sees it as a bold new approach. Everyone’s looking to John for guidance on the issue but he’s hesitant since he’s not sure if Bigfoot is real or if he himself IS Bigfoot.

  * * *

  March 18, 1976

  Bigfoot has left the band. Lindsey lost him to Loggins & Messina in a card game. They’ll call themselves Loggins & Messina & Bigfoot now.

  * * *

  March 21, 1976

  Final recording sessions are wrapping up. With the suggestion of a label representative, the band has consented to change the titles of several tracks:

  • “I’m Dating Someone Else But Still Love Stevie” becomes “Second-Hand News”

  • “I Hate Stevie But Love Stevie Who I Hate” becomes “Go Your Own Way”

  • “I Painted A Portrait of Bigfoot With My Tears and Eye Shadow” becomes “Songbird”

  • “We Keep Fucking One Another!” becomes “The Chain”

  • “Mick Resembles a Tree” becomes “Oh Daddy”

  • “YAY! I LOVE COCAINE! WHEE!” becomes “Gold Dust Woman”

  I’m honored to have worked on this project.

  DARTH VADER’S UNSENT LETTERS TO LUKE SKYWALKER AS FOUND IN HIS TRASH CAN

  Dear Luke,

  Hey Kiddo!

  * * *

  Dear Luke,

  We need to talk. I am your father.

  Wow. That sounds so weird to actually say! I have to admit that the role of father is not one that I have dedicated a great deal of time to. I’m sorry.

  It’s just that work has been so crazy. The kind of particular work I’m involved in is really important, but unfortunately it means that I have to travel A LOT. And I have to kill a lot of

  * * *

  Whassup Sport!

  * * *

  Luke,

  We’ve never met but I’m a wealthy moisture baron and would very much like to come visit your moisture farm. It would be strictly to gather information about your moisture farming techniques and not a personal visit because, as I said, we are complete strangers.

  There is no ulterior motive to this visit and I would certainly not attempt to lovingly ruffle up your hair, or kill you in a fit of madness/pique, or blow up your planet. Those would be crazy things, after all! Those would be things that a really screwed-up person would do! Like things that someone who sort of accidentally stumbled into a life of evil would do. Not me! NOT ME!

  * * *

  Luke,

  Call me Mr. X. My real identity is not important. I just want to tell you that if you should happen to meet a princess whose hairdo looks like it was inspired by cinnamon rolls, do NOT attempt to make out with her. Trust me. Even if she’s attractive in a kind of “cokehead-up-for-anything” kind of way, DON’T GO THERE.

  I’ll explain later.

  Okay fine, I say this because I’m your

  * * *

  Dearest Luke,

  My name is Darth Vader. But it used to be Anakin Skywalker. That’s right! Same as your last name! I’m your dad.

  I’m telling you this in a letter because I just can’t face you after doing what I did. I know, right? Biggest meanest villain in the whole galaxy, but scared to face up to his responsibilities. You see, Luke, being a dad is, well, it’s complex. You probably wouldn’t understand because you’re just a kid, and you’re probably really stupid and everything.

  I mean, nothing personal. You probably have some potential. You’re MY son, after all. And your mom was great. I mean, totally hot. Like, think of the prettiest moisture farm girl that you know, okay? Well, that girl is a filthy hog compared to your mom. In fact, your mom was such a smokin’ babe that when I heard she might die, I more or less set out on a series of murders that largely determined the course I am on today. I know, I know, that sounds weird. But Padme … you wouldn’t believe it. The ass alone. Oh, and she loved you very much and shit like that.

  Where was I? Oh yes, you’re stupid. Maybe you have potential but I’ll have likely blown up your planet before you ever realize it. And I’ll have to do that because of reasons.

  You see, we have this amazing new secret weapon that we’re building. A Death Star! I came up with the name myself. And it can blow up entire planets! Anyone who opposes my employer, really.

  Only problem is, the Death Star has one fatal flaw. And I DO mean fatal! There’s this little shaft that someone could drop something down and explode the entire thing. Personally, I don’t know what’s crazier: that we somehow managed to design the thing with that INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS flaw or that we chose to leave it there. I guess it’s okay, though, since the only way anyone could find out is if they gained access to a completely unencrypted computer file that’s easily copied and distributed. To do that, though, they would need to use one of dozens of free-roaming autonomous droids we have wandering around doing Force knows what.

  Anyway, listen to me. I’m talking about myself and my work. How are you, son? Do you play any sports or anything stupid like that?

  EXCHANGE BETWEEN NEAL HEFTI, CREATOR OF THE BATMAN TV THEME SONG, AND THE SHOW’S PRODUCER

  Mr. Hefti,

  First, let me tell you how thrilled we all are to have you on this project. Big fans of your work. We’ve been playing the demo you sent us and we think the melody you came up with is perfect. Don’t change a thing. But we’re wondering if you might add some lyrics to it. Audiences may not be familiar with Batman and we think the lyrics could really help people. You don’t need to do a whole back story song that we play at the top of every episode, just some kind of introduction to Batman. So you work that up and send it along when you have something.

  Sincerely,

  Lorenzo Semple, Jr.

  Producer

  * * *

  Who’s the

  Hero

  Who saves

  Gotham?

  Batman to the rescue

  Look out, here comes Batman

  Maybe he will rescue you if you are in a pinch

  Batman!

  * * *

  Neal!

  Great to see the new lyrics! It’s so exciting to work with someone so talented and creative. I think what I like best about them is how they incorporate the name “Batman” three times. It’s such a catchy name!

  And, of course, it’s the name of the TV show that we want people to remember to watch so the brand awareness is key. I wonder if we might lean into that a little more, toss a few more mentions of Batman into the song? And
maybe a little more description of who he is?

  I want to be clear: I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just sharing my input as a fellow creative professional, and as the guy who’s developing the series and paying you.

  Thanks,

  L

  * * *

  Batman

  Caped guy

  Batman

  Bruce Wayne

  Batman is the hero

  Hero, name of Batman

  Drives a really cool car and Robin is his friend

  Batman!

  * * *

  Neal,

  This is progress, my friend. Five mentions of the name “Batman” is better than three! I don’t feel like we’re quite there yet, however.

  Couple of bullet points:

  • Let’s leave out the mention of Bruce Wayne. We’re selling Batman, not the alter ego.

  • Same goes for Robin. It’s confusing. I don’t think there’s enough room in the song to explain their complicated relationship, so let’s skip it.

  • Matter of fact, we don’t want to oversell the Batmobile either. Again, I love the song. Such an honor to work with you.

  L

  * * *

  Batman

  Batman

  Super

  Hero

  Batman to the rescue