by John Moe
Oh good, here comes Batman
He’s a superhero and his name is, once again,
Batman!
* * *
Hi Neal,
Okay, I almost feel like this was a step backwards.
• You didn’t add any new uses of the name “Batman.” Maybe that’s my fault and I wasn’t clear: more. Please.
• Why do you need to keep explaining that he’s a superhero? Less exposition, more Batman.
• The line second from the end, I feel like it has too many words and they’ll get all muddled up. Maybe just one word in there? I think you know the word I’m talking about! Ha, ha! It’s Batman.
Thanks buddy. I know I’m being tough here, but this is important to nail.
Lorenzo
* * *
Batman
Batman
Batman
Batman
Batman Batman Batman
Batman Batman Batman
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman
Batman!
* * *
Neal,
Wow. What a difference! I know who this song is about now! And I’m not bogged down by all those other details!
One thing: I’m still having trouble with the second to last line. I almost feel like we went too far with the Batmans. Which is good! Easier to go too far and THEN pull back as opposed to not going far enough, right? Anyhoo, I know you’re probably getting impatient with me, but could you put something in that line that isn’t Batman but also isn’t any other word?
I guess what I want is NOT Batman and NOT anything else.
Cool? Great. Talk to you soon.
L
* * *
Batman
Batman
Batman
Batman
Batman Batman Batman
Batman Batman Batman
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Batman
* * *
Neal!
Perfect! Please find the enclosed check!
You are a brilliant lyricist!
L
REJECTED
PROPOSALS
SUPER BOWLS VI TO X
SUPER BOWL VI—JANUARY 16, 1972
• Another panel discussion proposal: the Nixon administration explains the U.S. approach to the war in Vietnam. It is seen as inappropriate for the festive setting of the Super Bowl, and there are doubts that the scope and complexity of the situation could be adequately explained given the time constraints.
• Tony Randall’s salute to the late Jim Morrison is also rejected. Mr. Randall is asked to stop proposing salutes to deceased rock musicians.
• Ella Fitzgerald and Carol Channing (for the second time) booked instead.
SUPER BOWL VII—JANUARY 14, 1973
• The Godfather was, by far, the most popular film of the past year but the Committee felt that the proposed halftime salute to the film simply crossed too many lines. The notion of presenting “a more realistic” version of the film included a live execution, the beheading of a horse, and the presence of Marlon Brando, and was therefore regarded to be potentially upsetting to both the stadium crowd and fans watching at home.
• The University of Michigan’s marching band seemed like a better idea, so they were hired.
SUPER BOWL VIII—JANUARY 13, 1974
• The Committee received several submissions from the unsuccessful campaign of Democratic presidential nominee George McGovern. After the trouncing by President Nixon in the 1972 election, the remaining staff members felt it would be better to keep Mr. McGovern busy rather than let him dwell on his humiliating defeat. Among the suggestions: selections from McGovern’s most cautionary speeches about Vietnam, McGovern’s slide show about minimum wage proposals, and a set of Sonny & Cher hits sung with former running mate Thomas Eagleton.
• The Committee was too bummed out for McGovern to fully vet the proposals and chose the University of Texas’s marching band instead.
SUPER BOWL IX—JANUARY 12, 1975
• The Committee is increasingly pessimistic about the viability of Super Bowl musical tributes to popular movies. Several proposals were received this year:
• The Towering Inferno. A three-story building would be assembled on the field, then burned to the ground while Carl Douglas performed “Kung Fu Fighting.”
• Airport 1975. Helen Reddy would attempt to land a jumbo jet on the field during halftime. This proposal appeared to be submitted without Ms. Reddy’s knowledge or permission. ABBA would perform on the field while hopefully avoiding the airplane.
• The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams. Twenty-five to thirty live bears would be released on the field while actor Dan Haggerty attempted to befriend them. The Steve Miller Band would perform and try to serve as a sort of crew of rodeo clowns, distracting the bears.
• All ideas were rejected. A low-key tribute to Duke Ellington is accepted.
SUPER BOWL X—JANUARY 18, 1976
• The “Getting to know President Ford” proposal meant a difficult decision for the Committee. President Ford believed the nation needed to come together a little more after the recent resignation of President Nixon. While the Committee agreed with that idea, there was less support for the President’s specific ideas: interpretive dance to the song “Fox on the Run,” the President’s impression of comedian Chevy Chase, and his poetic remembrance of McLean Stevenson’s Henry Blake character on M*A*S*H. It was unclear whether Mr. Ford understood Henry Blake to be a fictional character.
• Concerns over Mr. Ford’s capacity to perform such feats without accidentally injuring himself or others led the Committee to green-light the group Up With People instead.
Hi Axl (sic),
Just got your manuscript and demo for the song “Sweet Child o’ Mine.”
I think we need to talk.
As your editor, I am responsible for making your songs as cogent as possible, for helping them reach the high editorial standards your public has come to expect. With this one, I am certainly earning my keep. After several attempts to reach you by phone, I am sending along my notes. Please make appropriate fixes as soon as possible, at which point I can send them to copyediting and proofreading in time for your upcoming studio session.
Let’s just break these down line by line (and I’ll try not to have a breakdown of my own in the process!)
She’s got a smile that, it seems to me—Why equivocate? You weaken your point by framing this as a mere personal observation instead of a fact. Are you wasting syllables to fit a rhyme scheme? Don’t do that.
Reminds me of childhood memories—Redundant. You either have a memory or you’re reminded of something. You’re not reminded of a memory. Your heavy-metal supporters won’t stand for such writing, my friend.
Where everything was as fresh as a bright blue sky—Okay, I asked around the office and no one is sure a blue sky is necessarily “fresh.” You could have a blue sky at the end of a long, sweaty day and there would be nothing fresh about it. And she reminds you of a time when things were fresh? Fond reminiscences of freshness are no foundation for love. Fix.
Now and then when I see her face it takes me away to that special place—Again, you’re weakening your own argument. Why does the sight of her face transport you only periodically? And is it just her smile or her entire face that does this to you? Because you’ve already said both. Consistency, Axel!
And if I stared too long, I’d probably break down and cry—Why would you do that? Because you miss the freshness you described earlier? I think the whole “fresh” thing is really tripping you up. Also, crying? Wimpy. No one likes a whiner.
OK, on to the second verse.
She’s got eyes of the bluest skies—See, this is just getting worse. Now her eyes are made of sky? Nice imagery, but you just got done saying her smile reminded you of memories of sky. Is this verse actually supposed to be a second draft of the first verse? Am I confused on formatting? Help!
&nbs
p; As if they thought of rain—Axel, hear me now: eyes can’t think of rain. And even if they could, which they can’t, why would bluest skies think of rain? Perhaps less imagery of thinking eyes made of sky and more direct exploration of your feelings?
I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain—Well, hell. I guess in your special Axel World anything is possible. Eyes can be made of sky, ponder the weather, and exhibit pain in amounts that can be weighed. I’m sorry to get sarcastic but this is simply awful and it’s making me angry.
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place where as a child I’d hide—Delete. Fix. Do something. You’d hide in a place that reminded you of hair? Never show me such phrases again. I throw up in my brain every time I read that line. And I throw up more each time.
And pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by—Whew. Okay, listen to me now: Thunder can’t quietly do anything. It’s thunder. And, more important, do you really want to come across as a wuss who’s constantly on the verge of weeping and skittering into hair caves to escape from rain? Is this a song about love or weather anxiety? You need to work these things out.
Finally, Axel, I think we might have had a misunderstanding regarding my previous notes. When I wrote in colored pencil, “Where do we go now?” I wasn’t offering that as a lyric. I was simply observing that, in narrative terms, the song needed to progress in some way. You love the girl, she’s helping you work through some issues, whatever. So where do we go now? There needs to be an arc in this story.
But instead of providing a satisfactory conclusion, you simply took my note and repeated it over and over again before ultimately just stating the title of the song. This is unacceptable. Don’t ask us, the listeners, where we go. That’s up to you as the writer! Tell us where we go now!
Again, let’s try to fix these things soon and get “Sweet Child of Mine” (“My Sweet Child”?) into your fans’ hands as quickly as possible. Because, frankly, if it should ever hit the street in its current form, the song would be a colossal failure.
Talk soon!
Your Editor,
Saul Hudson
Heaven,
Guardian Angel
Division
Clarence the Angel
REPORT ON AN ALTERNATE WORLD WHERE GEORGE BAILEY OF IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE WAS NEVER BORN, BUT HIS PARENTS RAISED A GRIZZLY BEAR CUB INSTEAD AND NAMED IT GEORGE
Dear God,
I have recently completed George Bailey’s tour of another version of his life wherein he had never been born. In this latest one, we posited that Ma and Pa Bailey had found an orphaned bear cub in the woods, born the same day as George was in the dominant reality, and raised it as a son named George.
As one might expect, it is not a pretty picture. As always happens, it certainly doesn’t turn out nearly as well as the one wherein human George Bailey is born.
In this scenario, Harry Bailey falls through the ice and is not pulled to safety. But rather than simply drown, he is severely mauled by his “brother” George and then his shredded corpse tumbles beneath the ice. Horrifying.
Again, as in most scenarios presented to human George, the affordable housing development known as “Bailey Park” never gets built. Ma and Pa were coping with the tragedy of losing Harry while raising a dangerous bear in their home. Therefore, they were not well positioned to make much of a splash in either the banking or real estate industries. Mostly they just cowered and wept.
Of course, grizzly George never falls in love with Mary Hatch. In fact, the big high school dance where Mary and human George were to fall into the swimming pool, sealing their love, was the scene of a savage display of a grizzly’s mercurial nature. Grizzly George, mistakenly thinking there are salmon in the gymnasium, shows up at the dance, gets very agitated at all the music and commotion, and responds in the way a grizzly bear naturally would. One can’t really blame him for being what, well, You made him. But at the same time, one can’t really feel good about the bloodbath in the gym.
Again, Mary works at the library, which serves as a sort of emergency shelter where people can run when George is on the loose and hungry.
Come to think of it, the whole grizzly George alternate universe mostly serves as a scathing indictment of Ma and Pa Bailey’s horrible judgment and the criminally negligent practices of the Bedford Falls animal control department.
George, the bear, does take up with Violet Bick for a furtive romance that ends with each getting very hurt, although in extremely different ways.
Grizzly George does manage to maul Mr. Potter to death, forestalling the development of Pottersville, so at least there’s that. That doesn’t really save the town, mind You, because people are still terrified to go outside much. Eventually the town is abandoned except for the deeply insane Ma and Pa Bailey and their bear son.
Not a happy ending.
But, Lord, none of them are happy endings. None of the dozens of alternate George Bailey lives I have shown him end up being very positive. And I believe we established that in the first and—I think—most elegant parable we showed him: if he had simply never been born. After that, George treasured his life, appreciated his blessings, and things turned out great! I got my wings (thanks) and that seemed to be the end of it. But it wasn’t. You sent me back to “help” George some more. Your ways, Lord, are well-established to be mysterious. So I’m going with it, but I’d like the record to show that I am confused and dubious.
Still, when I got the instructions to show him a world where he had been born, left in the jungle, raised by wolves, and returned at age 18, I obliged. As we know, that was not a positive world either. In subsequent months, I was asked to show him yet more worlds:
• George is born, but he’s a robot.
• George is born and he’s just the same, but everyone else in town is a vampire.
• George is born and he’s just the same, but everyone else in town is a porcupine.
• Mary is a killbot sent from the future to eliminate George before he can ever build Bailey Park.
• George and all the characters are in an airplane that explodes in mid-air and they land on an island that becomes Bedford Falls.
I’m pretty sure You got that last one from the TV show Lost.
The construction of alternate realities is very time-intensive for angels and I’m getting complaints. This has also become really time-consuming for the real George, whom I have to rouse from bed three or four times a week. He’s awfully sore about that and it’s having a pretty negative effect on his family, which seems counterproductive.
I beg You to move off the constant haranguing of George Bailey. I need to get working on that stupid movie with Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan that’s all about angels. I know it’s a remake of the Wim Wenders’ movie, but the German angels are working on that.
Thanks,
Clarence
ROD SERLING PRODUCTIONS
TO: PRODUCTION TEAM, STAFF WRITERS
FROM: SERLING
RE: REJECTED TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODE IDEAS
Thank you for all your hard work in coming up with ideas. The following is a list of pitches we will not be using in the coming season. I hope to never see these ideas again, in fact. I wish I had never seen them.
Rod
“Here Come Aliens.” Setting: a sleepy town in the Midwest where everyone is going about their business. The local lunatic insists that aliens are about to invade and destroy everything. “Nothing will be the same once the aliens get here!” he insists. Everyone writes it off as mad ramblings until a local farmer hires some Mexicans to pick his berry crop. Before long, there are Mexicans all over the place, taking our jobs and living off government handouts. I mean, there was a time when people who belonged here would do those jobs. Meanwhile, the goddamn liberal government doesn’t do anything about it. All they care about is tax and spend, tax and spend. Bunch of heads-up-their-ass politicians. Where’s the fucking remote? IT’S IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
“A Date with Dea
th.” A self-centered and vain woman goes on a blind date, agreeing to meet a gentleman at a restaurant. When she arrives for their date, he is wearing a cloak over his head and introduces himself as Death. She realizes that she has actually died! He agrees to return her to the world of the living if she does one good deed for someone else. She offers to do some volunteer work at a homeless shelter, but Death says that she needs to sleep with that guy Jeff who works in accounting at her office. At that point, she realizes that “Death” is really Jeff in disguise. But when she pulls the cloak from his head, it’s a skull teeming with worms! It really was Death! Turns out Death and Jeff had set the whole thing up, though, because Death is super into watching people do it. Death gets thrown out of the restaurant. Cut to Jeff furiously masturbating IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
“The Mouse That Kills People.” What about a mouse that kills people? I don’t know. I’ll need to flesh this one out a little. But wouldn’t that be weird? A mouse? Whoa. TWILIGHT ZONE!
“What’s Going On with This Space Mission?” Three astronauts set off to land on the moon but then a blast of space radiation sends them off course. They pass out but wake up to find themselves landing. They assume it’s the moon, but the terrain is different. It looks a lot like the desert in California. Then there’s a rabbit or something, so they’re sure they landed back on Earth. But the rabbit has a space helmet on! So maybe it’s the moon! But THEN! Some guy comes up to them and he’s all green and wearing a silver jumpsuit, so it must be some different planet. One of the astronauts takes off his helmet and the other astronaut realizes that the first astronaut is his father! Whoa! So did they go back in time or something? Then the third astronaut is Ben Franklin! And the whole thing is happening in a warehouse. A warehouse IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE. Weird, right?