I can’t believe that I enjoyed it.
And that wasn’t even the worst part.
He stopped and I realized that I had pressed my head against the wall, supporting myself with my lower arms. My knees were wobbly and had given in, with his clawed hands being the only thing holding me in position.
It had come insanely close to a point I couldn’t endure, to a point where I instinctively would have tried to writhe my way out of this. Not that I... I tried to compose myself with breathing deeply. But the wetness between my legs was burning me and etching my skin as it ran down my legs leaving a trail of ice. Him not continuing started to become more unbearable to that point he had been threatening to cross.
Never have I felt so embarrassed in my life, and never so ashamed of myself, knowing that White and others were watching.
I hadn’t noticed that he had moved away from me until I felt his hand at my hip from behind. Instantly, I knew what was going to happen and I was scared and aroused just the same.
I didn’t want it to happen and I wanted it to happen. I looked forward to it in horror and shame and... desire.
I can’t believe I felt like that.
I still feel like that.
And then he did it. He entered me slowly, maybe because he knew that he would rip me apart. I was so wet and still... it hurt, but it felt so good at the same time.
God... please help me.
He was so careful... even though his hands that held me steady were full-on claws. I bit my lip first, and I catch myself doing it now again, but I couldn’t hold back for long. No, I didn’t cry. I whimpered and then... I moaned.
His reaction was instant and... inside of me.
He filled me up completely. I could sense him hit a resistance that wouldn’t break without injuring me. This feeling, being barely able to take...
That wasn’t human was it? How can I write it like that?
I heard him growl and it gave me goose bumps that panicked down my spine.
Of course I thought of the last time we met. My heart, my lungs, my whole body never hurt that much and it reacted to me: lifting my hips towards him. My own movements made me gasp.
It wasn’t human. No way. He just fucked me like an animal. Like a boxer hitting his punching ball. And there was no way to keep my voice silent. My throat still hurts. It wasn’t long, but still felt like an eternity.
Everything, every muscle is sore, but I still want more. I feel so worn out, and still so restless. He beat me up with his relentless thrusts and the sounds he made, scratched my skin like his claws had days before. I don’t know if he never had... or if it had been so long... or if he wanted me that badly.
Maybe that is why he lost control the last time.
He definitely lost it this time as well. I can’t describe how he made me feel... like I had never truly sensed anything until then. It felt like almost breaking my back as he pushed himself so deep inside of me that his hands landed on mine, while he hurt me. It was oddly intimate and easing that short high pain. I felt like I was threatened to break, but I didn’t care, because he pushed me further and further, making me exhale a “Yes” as I felt his breath next to my face.
He made me come with him.
I think... I never before really had... I never thought that I would... like it like that until...
As soon as he had caught his breath they told him to back off through the speakers.
I collapsed, physically, psychologically.
They made him leave me.
But did he really care? Or did he just do... what needed to be done and that was it?
Today no one spoke to me and I didn’t go to the gym.
I got my meals.
I can barely move so I stay in bed. And I sleep.
Day 31
I’m fine... I mean... I still feel sore, but I can move and crawl up the walls, so to speak.
White visited me to check on me, and he brought me another book: Charlotte Bronte’s ‘Jane Eyre’.
Yeah, really: they don’t even buy new books for me; they bring me my old ones.
I couldn’t help but comment on that with nothing more than ‘guilty’. Now, somehow it’s so obvious that all these stories are somehow the same. Looking at these books, even though I love them so much, makes me feel so different about myself. I always thought of myself as a non-superficial person, who uses her brain cells instead of giving in to a romantic illusion that someday I will meet a guy that turns out to be my Prince Charming. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, and maybe I won’t even get the chance to be my own heroine, or someone else’s in their eyes. Because... it’s been a month and I’m still here.
“Can I at least get my iPod?” I asked White when he turned to leave and tried to sound obedient, play the music he wants to hear.
I know he likes that and his facial expression agreed with me. Maybe I can make this work for my benefit, but the thought alone makes me shudder.
“Are you ready for the next session?” was his answer.
I forced myself to create a pause before I said yes.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like being... forced. ... This verb... I hate it, but, I can’t romanticize this. I don’t want to say that it’s okay.
But it was... it was different. I’m sure that there’s something wrong with me. It wasn’t my first time, you know, but I never... got there.
He has a conscience. Not White, but you know who. I wrote how he reacted seeing me again, how he behaved because of my scars. He was sorry. I’m sure he’s sorry about the day before yesterday as well. And... I have to be honest: I didn’t even think about moving my body away as he started. I didn’t even think about it. I am insane, right? Maybe I was just scared like Hell. Maybe a part of me... likes to be scared. I am most definitely crazy.
However White told me that I would find my iPod and my station in my room after my session tomorrow if he was satisfied... If he was satisfied. And that makes me feel sicker than thinking about my disturbed mind.
Tomorrow... I have to admit that I am slightly disappointed that it’s not today, but it’s the first time I actually know when I will meet him.
He is human.
I have to tell that to myself.
He is human.
Day 32
I have to admit that I was excited and looked forward to today. My schedule was the usual: Breakfast, later workout, and then Lunch. But after that nothing happened.
I just got Dinner: cheese and fruits and that’s it.
Maybe I was too excited? Maybe they want me being scared and not looking forward to meeting him? I don’t know. Would it make sense? Would they even care about the emotional state I am in? I mean, I should be scared, I know that. I shouldn’t want to see him again. But... I just feel like he doesn’t really want to hurt me and it did happen only because they want it to. Maybe they have a way to force him to beast-out like this. Or... do they want to test his composure? Was it my fault?
I wish I could talk to him. But what if I’m wrong and I just imagine him being human and in fact he isn’t? I mean what if he’s a sort of ape, but not human. I shouldn’t have thought that. I shouldn’t think any of this. Nothing explains why they didn’t come to take me.
Why do they have to leave me alone all by myself and to my thoughts?
I need more distraction than these four books I already know and the workout. Now, I can’t stop asking myself, questioning myself, tormenting myself, ending up being somewhat relieved that they haven’t taken me.
Hopefully I can sleep.
I wonder if they are watching me in my room and are able to read what I am writing because they came just when I wanted to hit the lights. I was back to totally freak out in silence. Maybe I am right about it: that they want me to be scared. Maybe I am also right about that they want to test his composure.
White wasn’t with them.
My heart was beating like crazy again and my thoughts ran in circles around me wishing to be at lea
st able to see his face... and not to be kept me in the dark again. It was driving me insane, this question if he was human or not. And thinking of how disgusting it was, how sick it was, of me wanting to have him – or it – touching me again... the way he had the last time...
The only way I get physical contact is my guards grabbing and pushing me. At least till today.
I was shackled to the wall again, even though I had hoped for the bars. Although, I was wondering why I needed to be bound in the first place, and yet, somehow it was a relief that I didn’t have a choice.
Still, this was an excuse, to tell myself that I wasn’t really willing to do this. And my thoughts kept being occupied with that train of thought until I noticed that my guards hadn’t left after chaining me.
I remember the room being dead silent for a moment as I realized this, sensing how they stood there... until they started groping... just everywhere... through my clothes. I tried to evade them, but how, when my hands were shackled like that to the wall?
“Stop”, I shouted at them, feeling one hand between my legs, choking on my words just then.
It didn’t feel the same – crazy enough that my mind was able to state that.
I am so not into this in general.
“Oh come on”, one of them responded, his mouth being far too near to my right ear, breathing out the words with moist, warm air that rolled off my skin like a wave of disgusting ooze. “I thought you liked that, since you moaned like a whore, when he did you.”
I shuddered, not of excitement, but nausea.
I don’t know which one of them pushed me against the wall, trying to reenact the last time, reminding me that there could be an effing huge difference... the only thing I could think of was that White definitely was not there and the bars being closed. If they weren’t... would he come save me?
The growl was so close yet so far away, made even me cringe, even though it definitely wasn’t addressing me.
“Oh look, your monster is angry at us”, one of them said, rubbing his hand between my legs again, making me tense from shame and discomfort.
“You are the monster”, I hissed through my teeth. “You’re going to regret this. I will tell...”
“That’s enough”, White’s voice sounded through the speakers and my defiance crashed to the ground.
This, all of this was to make him angry, my ‘monster’. No, he wasn’t, and the one thing I clung to as I heard the barred wall being removed was the fact that the guard had called him a ‘he’, not an ‘it’.
Why that exactly stayed in my mind, I can’t tell. It distracted me from everything else.
I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.
It sounded like a truck hitting a mountain next to me, right there, where the exit was. He smashed against it more than just once. Honestly, I think he tried to break it down. I cursed myself for not knowing his name.
“Please”, I whispered hoarsely, since I didn’t know what else to do.
There was no chance of moving away and if I had been able to, I still wouldn’t have been physically capable of stopping him. But knowing that he was so outraged because of how they had treated me made me feel so strangely safe that I somehow found the strength to focus and talk to him.
“Please you are going to hurt yourself.”
And he stopped. I could hear him breathe heavily.
How I wished at that moment that I could do something to calm him down. I didn’t care that I couldn’t see him, but it drove me insane that I couldn’t touch him, only to comfort him, to calm him down, but there was nothing I could do.
Almost nothing.
“Come here”, I whispered and I told myself silently that I was insane.
He was probably in the exact same state when he had hurt me so badly. Yet, I already had told him to come. So, I tried to go with it, leaning in his direction, as far as the chains and manacles let me, hoping that he somehow understood, because I had no idea what I was doing.
The first thing I felt was his cheek against mine. And with that, my question had been answered: no fur, but skin, stubbly, but it was a face, even though somehow warped, but still a face.
He moved closer and buried his face into my hair and I could feel his uneven breath on my neck.
It made me feel so strange. I don’t know why I reacted to this like that. All of the sudden I wanted him closer, even closer, and I tried to move my face closer to his.
“It’s okay”, I whispered, hoping that White couldn’t hear it. “I’m okay. I’m still...”
I couldn’t believe what I had almost said, what I had thought in that moment. But the most unbelievable thing was that he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him. And... I didn’t imagine that.
“Mine”, he said “mine.”
He had spoken. It had sounded like a raspy, throaty hum, still definitely like that word.
I still feel goose bumps, it still makes me shudder, and feel warm in places I shouldn’t. I should be terrified about this. That little, small, tiny word, that means so much.
He thinks I’m his. Why? How can he? And still... still it gives me such a strange, fuzzy feeling...
“Back off”, White’s voice sounded through the speakers again and before I knew what I was doing I said “no”.
It was nothing but a mere whisper and I don’t know if White actually heard it, but he – my Beast – definitely did. I could sense it. In the way he hesitated moving away, how his hands brushed off my body and how his lips briefly touched my neck. I felt like I was burning without being burned.
Now I am wide awake in my bed, thinking of him, and – oh God, help me – wanting nothing more than to feel him. I am sick, so sick. This is insane.
Day 33
Are they punishing him? Or me?
White didn’t even show up. I probably shouldn’t think of him as a regular visitor. But everything, even this despicable... being, just makes a day different. Maybe I interpret too much into his absence, or him being around, or everything.
Reading doesn’t get my mind off anything right now. Not after yesterday. They make it far too easy to hate them and to... appreciate his – the beast’s – affection.
But hey, at least I got my iPod and my station, so it went well, right? As if this would be anything positive. Sure. Like this would mean a thing here.
I am still their prisoner, still their test subject, still ‘his’.
Why does this make me shudder in such a warm way?
I need to see him. I so desperately need to see him.
I can’t focus, I can’t read, and music barely helps. I just can imagine how he must feel. Is his day even like mine?
I don’t know! I don’t know anything about him, not even his name! Apart from that he can speak.
I know I already wrote this. But I swear he said ‘mine’, this wasn’t my imagination.
All I can think about is what happened, and how insanely angry he was. And still he didn’t hurt me.
Not like the last time.
And this almost made me smash my iPod against the wall, because that’s what it was about. Despite being so furious... he still didn’t maul me to shreds.
It was a positive development.
Thinking that he might be an ape... an ape has no freaking claws that are able to tear through layers of skin, which grow or retreat, or has non-hairy arms. An ape cannot stand up as straight that he can... do me like that. Apes cannot talk.
Day 34
Same: Breakfast, workout, shower, Lunch, music, and Dinner. I was asking myself if everyone outside there even misses me. It’s ridiculous that I am annoyed about it. They kidnapped me just to lock me away.
I am sure that he misses me. And I miss him, which annoys me even more. And then I wonder if he can say more than that. I mean, what if he is half human? I start asking myself WHAT he is apart from human. I want to see him, really see him, his eyes, and his face. Not only because I need to know what he really is. Or is this the only reaso
n?
I want to talk to him. Or do I only need to know that he is mainly human? So that I can... be relieved about the fact that I am not disturbed? Because I feel... what do I feel exactly? I don’t know what to think, because I sure as hell don’t know what it is what I’m feeling.
Day 35
I am going mad.
Breakfast, workout, and Lunch.
I’m listening to music right now, trying to distract myself, but all I can think about is... him... and how much I... want him. I am sick. I am completely mad.
This is sick.
I just... want this to be a dream and wake up. I swear I will start talking to people, and try to make friends, and to get a boyfriend and become a normal, average, boring human being, like I thought I always was, and stop thinking about being WHATEVER by a... beast. I don’t know anything about him.
Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Because he is a prisoner just like me, because he’s the only one I can relate to here. Even though I am human and he is... partly not.
White has just been here, being all smug again, and congratulating me on the progress I had with the subject.
I wanted to know his name.
“If you want to call it something, just give it a name”, he answered to that.
“But he has to have one. Anything”, I responded. “It’s not like I will recognize him, right? Or go out and talk to anyone.”
He laughed at my words and looked quite amused.
“So when is my next session?” I wanted to know, since he didn’t want to give me an answer.
“Why?" was his reply, “Do you miss him?”
“Is he the subject or me?” I simply asked back and earned a cocked brow, but no words, instead he kept leaning close to my knob-less door with his arms crossed.
And then he just walked to me and grabbed my arm, pulling me towards him and looked at me in a way that gave me the chills.
The Beast And Me Page 5