Do I too? Do I miss that?
I know that I have never enjoyed it so much, ever before. I never felt someone wanting me as much as Jay wants me. Do I like that? Do I miss him pining over me? I think I do. But is that the only thing about him I really like? Is this what consumes me about him? Do I flee into that fantasy and pretend I like it because I am so terrified by it? Or do I really, like truly, want this?
Day 52
I don’t know if I should be worried or not, concerned or not, frightened or not. I’ve re-read it. Just to be sure. White told me that “starting tomorrow you won’t have to see him for a week”. That was on day 45. That was eight days ago, not seven, but eight. And it didn’t happen. It’s evening now. I’ve gotten my Breakfast, my workout, my Lunch, a second workout, and now my Dinner.
You can’t imagine how I jumped as Peter opened the door this afternoon and how confused, I was when he brought me to the training room. I think he noticed that. He acted strange or maybe it was because I acted strange. I mean... I’ve got mixed feelings about this. It’s okay to have mixed feelings right? On the one hand, I don’t want to go back to that, to waiting for my ‘sessions’, I mean: not mine, he is with me... even thinking about this is awkward now. I’d rather talk to Peter.
But I’m not stupid. I know why I am here. On the other hand, I’m worried. Yes, I am worried about Ten, Jay, how I named him.
I gave him a name, to make him more human, at least for me. But what if he’s really less? What if he is in fact a cougar formed into a human like I described it?
I know I shouldn’t have read my own stuff, but I had to know if I had gotten it wrong. I didn’t. It has been eight days. Are they punishing him?
I doubt that they punish me. I didn’t do anything wrong and Peter is still here.
What if he’s hurt? What if... what if he’s dead? He can’t be because... I would be too, right? Or... they wouldn’t kill me, would they? Would they put me to another one? Jay picked me, he chose me. They wouldn’t just... I can’t do this anymore. I need to escape. I need to find a way out.
Can I leave him behind? Don’t be stupid. How? I mean, isn’t he a threat? My scars remind me. They’ve healed better, much better than I have expected. It’s because of their science. I mean, they are experimenting with DNA right? Obviously, Jay’s the proof.
And what else could it be? So of course they can treat wounds better, right? Jay isn’t some freak evolution of nature, is he?
What if... and they are not... they are not experimenting with me too, are they? I don’t get injections, but my food... it doesn’t taste funny, so... but I wouldn’t taste the difference, would I?
Oh God, I can’t sleep. I’m going crazy.
Day 53
It’s not like I have been imprisoned for years. It’s just... almost eight weeks... and I’m fine. I’m being looked after. I’ve got everything I need, apart from a life.
Nothing today. Like absolutely nothing. Apart from my meals, yes, my workout, TWICE, yes, but now there wasn’t even Peter.
What’s coming next?
Are they going to take away my books, my music, my paintings?
There is no reason. I should keep calm.
This isn’t about me. This is about him: their Ten, my Jay. Ugh, not mine, but... is it insane that I worry?
I asked for White. He isn’t there. I really knocked and the door really was opened. Now, after that, I realized that the one I spoke to was one of the gropers, which explains the way he looked at me. But this room seems to be safe. So I guess I can take that as a proof that there are cameras in here.
No, I am not freaking out about this, because it says that this room is safe. They won’t come in here to force me. It also says that Peter and I having conversations and spending my meals together is okay too, or else he would have been gone earlier. I am not freaking out. Freaking out won’t help me.
There is no way to open that vent without hurting my fingers and bleeding fingers would expose me trying it. That means I have to find a way to get something that will help me screwing it open. But how if not making them suspicious? Taking a knife from a meal with me, would they notice? As long as I eat alone there might be a chance, but it would make them suspicious watching me go to my bathroom with a knife. Is there also a camera in there? Please, no. I shouldn’t even write this, right? You are reading this, White, right?
Where is he?
Where is anyone?
Why does no one tell me anything?
Am I so unimportant?
Day 54
I... I don’t even know where to start. I’m not sure if I worry more about myself or him. Okay, he’s... being without him for so many days, now everything that has happened just seems different. When I read through what I’ve written, I really can’t recall feeling like that now. It’s almost like I wasn’t myself. And still there is something missing. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s not my normal, dull life, not like this is actually better, I feel like my IQ drops with each day... I think I miss him. I think I miss Jay.
This is... I can’t...
I’m so upset... and terrified... I just spend endless minutes beneath the shower... I think this is what real panic feels like... I don’t know what to do... everything is a mess... everything is ruined... I don’t know what will happen... I don’t know if I get another chance or if they will come and... kill me... I just... I can’t write now, I can’t think now, I can’t even breathe.
I want to sleep, but I can’t close my eyes. I hear my breathing in my head, and the beating of my heart. They left me alone. I am all alone again. And it’s even worse. I don’t know what to think, what to feel, what to expect. I don’t even... I think I wouldn’t mind if they came to kill me. At least then it would be over.
I lay awake for hours. I can’t tell what time it is but I guess it has to be past midnight, so well, yeah, technically a new day. Maybe this will be my final entry, so it counts; I have to at least write something, right?
Yesterday I felt so miserable. Not because nothing happened again. I can’t really tell why. Like I said I don’t want to see Jay again and I do. I don’t want to stay here, but... I do. The worst thing is this uncertainty, this lack of purpose and that hasn’t been different from my normal life, my former life out there, in the last few days. None of this seems important right now, because... I was so stupid.
You know, it was one of the gropers again, who brought me my food, my Breakfast and my Lunch. Same schedule, with no one talking or even smiling at me.
No Peter.
And then, suddenly at Lunchtime: a knock. First I thought it would be White, which already seemed to be a relief for me. But it was Peter bringing my food and carrying a bag for him, as if nothing had happened. You cannot imagine how happy I was to see him. He has been so nice to me, I could talk to him. I made him smile. He made me smile so... I was so happy that I hugged him. I mean, one can hug a friend. There’s nothing to it, right?
I didn’t know. Honestly. I didn’t have any clue.
Seriously, never, I mean, I was never... I’m not the kind of girl being used to that. It’s not like no boy ever liked me in my life, but still... it happened so quickly.
He kissed me. Peter kissed me... and I think I kissed him back. It... it just happened. I literally felt butterflies and dizzy as he pulled away, looking at me with those beautiful warm eyes. He let go of me much too quickly.
“I’m sorry”, he stammered. “I shouldn’t. I just... missed you.”
I didn’t know. I never thought that he would feel like that, so quickly. I’m not special. I’m average.
I don’t know what I was thinking, but I kissed him. I grabbed him and pulled him back to me. Just briefly, but still I did it. I don’t know how to explain this. Or why I never thought that this wasn’t just... Why didn’t I doubt any of it? Did I want to believe that he meant what he said? Or did I really believe him because I felt he meant it?
I asked him if he would sit down with me
and we ate together, grinning like fools. And now... I feel like such a stupid, stupid, naïve, blind idiot.
Of course he couldn’t tell me where he had been, still I asked. Peter told me that he was home one day, but he didn’t seem like wanting to talk about it.
I barely was finished with my meal when the door was pushed further open and Gray stood there.
“Schedule change”, he just said.
Of course I didn’t think that this was concerning me, but Peter jumped up and looked at me. I can’t really say what his face was saying, I just can’t remember. I can’t tell if he was shocked, freaking out, worried, or calm and smirking. I just know that they both looked at me and my heart... it was just gone.
This was White. I swear. Cameras, there have to be cameras in my room.
They took me.
“No”, was all I heard Gray say before he shoved me into the cage and at the same moment the door behind me was closed the gate already was opened.
It happened so fast and my mind was already doing backflips on the way, only regaining its ability to function when I found myself there: in Jay’s cage.
I felt like being two persons in one. I don’t feel like that anymore, but it was so confusing. I was scared as hell and so endlessly happy to see him again. Going there meant that he was alive, and going there meant to be away from Peter. This was just so wrong.
In that moment I knew something wasn’t right, something was different and I was so scared. Maybe even more than the first time they shackled me there. But now this cage was in complete silence and I was free to walk around, clothed. I knew he was there, lurking in the dark corners of this room.
My eyes didn’t get the chance to get used to the dim light because the air was already pushed from my lungs as I was smacked against the wall behind me.
The back of my head still hurts.
Out of nowhere he just pushed me against the wall and I can’t really tell if he hurt me on purpose or accident. All I know was that he was... angry.
Out of nowhere, his clawed hand at my throat, like he didn’t recognize me. Like I was one of the others before me, I thought, even though I don’t know if there had been any, but like I didn’t mean anything.
Until I realized... he sniffed and I knew. I smelled different. He smelled Peter. And he snarled at me. He must have sensed that there was something wrong the moment I was in that cage with him.
There was no way swallowing down the knot in my throat, because it was too huge and his grip was so tight.
My larynx just didn’t get past his palm. Despite the tears burning down my cheeks, which still are fleeing my eyes as I write now... I wasn’t scared. Not really.
I betrayed him.
He had and has every reason to be mad at me.
Why the hell am I writing this?
I mean it’s his point of view that I understand. In his eyes, I was his, he had even told me that. And now, after not seeing me for so long I smelled of someone else.
What was I thinking? White had made it totally clear why I was here.
His face was so close that I could feel his hot breath, rolling down my skin, too close that I could look at his face, his eyes. I could hear the cracking of the speaker, but somehow I managed to bring up one hand, facing my palm to the window White definitely was looking through. As I tried to touch him, he snarled at me, making my hair stand up straight. But he didn’t move away, even though his breath turned shallow as if he tried to avoid this foreign smell. He wouldn’t bite me, he’s not an animal.
“I’m sorry”, I managed to say inaudibly, because I barely had enough breath to push out the words without any sound.
Still – in my suffocated mind – I hoped that he would forgive me, I hoped that he would use his anger against me in a different way... I hoped by claiming me it would be alright again.
I did him wrong. I am so stupid. I’m such a pathetic, small-minded, shallow person.
Talking about him being human and then expecting that he would do me and it would be okay, like an animal probably would do, like a low-minded moron would do. Instead, he tossed me away like a doll, smacked me against the door, he had once tried to tear down, to hurt the ones who had hurt me.
I deserve it.
No, Peter wasn’t punished; he was the one to bring me back. And I know that this was another punishment for me. Yet, Jay’s painful disappointment did hurt so much more.
How did Peter bringing me back to my room make me feel? I really don’t know. He was on the outside of my numb shell and inside the shame and guilt and loss was fuming. I couldn’t and wouldn’t fall into his arms and cry. Not even as he actually brought me into my room, looking like he really wanted to offer me consolation. I tried to stay strong, and numb, and away.
Like I wrote before I showered for an eternity. I don’t want to smell like anything ever again.
By the way: lights are on. No Breakfast, yet. I’m not hungry anyhow.
Day 55
I don’t know if it’s passed midnight again, but it doesn’t really matter. This is my entry for day 55 and I am still alive and... I’m writing this because apparently I am the only normal person here.
Apart from Peter maybe, but I can’t think of him now. I don’t even know if I can trust him. There’s nothing that I could write about him, except from that he probably guarded my room the whole day, not bringing me my food. Instead, Gray did so.
I’m somehow relieved that there was no chance to talk to him and I hope it will stay like that, because I wouldn’t know how to behave.
But that’s not what this is about.
I barely ate... that is I had to eat my Dinner, because of White. He visited me. He brought my meal. So I had to sit down and not just poke at it, even though I more felt like puking rather than eating.
White... the moment I saw him I knew that this meant something serious, like telling me how disappointed he was and he did. There’s much more... not like I would have expected though.
“You know I’m disappointed”, he said in a teaching tone. “But I can understand that you also experience a lack of social contact and that I... tested you.”
Yes, he said that. Looking up to him with my eyes opened wide wasn’t voluntary, but it still seemed to have an effect on him, because... he placed his hand on my shoulder, briefly rubbing it.
Despite that, it was HIM, the reason why I’m stuck here, maybe even why Jay is what and who he is, it did relax me a bit. Since comforting me would mean that he wouldn’t kill me, right?
“I... I’m sorry”, somehow I managed to say that, dropping my head and I tried to stay in that role he obviously wanted to see me play. “I... I failed you.”
In my head, I was talking to Jay, looking into his green eyes, maybe gray-green with that corroded copper ring around his iris. I knew that my voice sounded choked and that there were tears burning in my eyes.
White didn’t answer to that. I figured that this was a good thing, so I continued imagining that I wasn’t talking to him, but to Jay.
“Please, forgive me. I... I’d do anything to make it right”, it just poured out of me before I was able to think it through. “Punish me, if you want to, but I... I want to make it right.”
I don’t want to die. I’d do anything to stay alive, even though I have no reason to want to, because it’s not really a life, is it? Even though just a day ago I wanted all of this to be over, I wanted to die.
There was no way for me to look up, so I stared at my food which didn’t look edible at all to me.
“Anything?” was all that White said and it sounded like a mixture of a statement and a question.
I had no idea if I was supposed to answer, but something about his voice gave me the chills, like a spider does when it’s crawling across your face wakes you up at night and you don’t dare to move or shriek because you might accidentally swallow it down. And I didn’t want to accidentally accept something I couldn’t swallow down... maybe... even... literally. Still, I look
ed at him and nodded, giving myself goose bumps of disgust, because of that bad feeling creeping up my stomach.
Did you ever expect that someone just rising from a seated position would terrify you? I never did, but still I felt like that as my eyes followed him. He told me to stand up with a gesture and I obeyed. Ordered me to turn around and I obeyed. And he pointed at the table for me to bend over. My will was frozen, making my body follow orders that weren’t my own like I was thinking them. So I placed my hands on the table and tried not to think what might come next, but I did and I waited for him to pull down my pants. Closing my eyes, I reminded myself like repeating a prayer that this would go against the policy, White’s policy, because I was Jay’s... right?
And then... his flat hand smacked against my rear, making me shriek. I hadn’t expected that. I didn’t expect the second slap either. He didn’t say a thing. I muffled myself at the third, but that only made the fourth more painful. So with the fifth I already had learned that he wanted me to whimper. Strangely, that burning pain reminded me of Jay and this effect made me blush. I felt so embarrassed. I still do. And so dirty. Even more because there were ten slaps, ten.
“Tomorrow”, White said, being a bit too much out of breath. “You will look up at me. Be a nice girl.”
All I could do was nod and I didn’t move until he had left.
I feel sick.
Day 56
Yesterday... I think I have to start chronologically, like I always have. Sort my mind. It is afternoon now and I don’t know where they will take me today. I slept after Breakfast and they let me sleep, just like yesterday. So today, not much has happened yet. But this is about yesterday. So that comes first. Today is day 57, but I need to write down was happened yesterday. I just hope they leave me alone today, everyone. Yes, Peter as well.
The Beast And Me Page 10