So you can imagine how stunned I was when he approached, stepped into the weak artificial cone of light the way he did: dressed in a t-shirt and military pants, bare feet, and his face... just as perfect as it was, as I had seen it the night before. Oh yes, somewhere behind these walls I could sense White being angry. But I couldn’t care less. That man was far, far away in the real world, and I was finally dreaming again.
Jay stepped closer slowly. I felt like I was going insane or like I was having a drug induced episode, somehow definitely both. I met him halfway. I knew that I should’ve acted differently, so that they wouldn’t be surprised or concerned or doubting. Yet I couldn’t. All I was able to do was framing his face with my hands and pulling his mouth onto my lips. They could book my reaction as a pleasant surprise to actually see the beast in human form. Period.
I know it was stupid, so stupid. But there was no way for me to act differently. Hell, if you could see his face, if you could just imagine his expression as he saw me. And this kiss, this kiss. ... There have been things written about kisses like these. I know I sound cheesy and like a drunken teenager, still...
If a kiss would be able to disintegrate clothes, this was one of those, because I can’t remember, I can’t recall how these pieces of fabric went down to the ground. The next thing I knew was sensing the cold wall against my bare back, his hot chest against mine, and his mouth against my neck. My eyes were loose marbles in their sockets. It felt like he was sucking me in right there through that spot on my neck. How insane?
It was like no one else was there but us, like the air was a wall shielding us, and our breathing was music hiding us, from everything and everyone. Even though I was aware of White being there, a part of me just wanted to taunt him with my ecstasy and so I gave in without restraint, without caring, though I should have known better. God, I drank his lips, drowned in his breath, whenever I got the chance. His lips were just another set of fingers brushing across my yearning skin and I clawed my own into his hair.
And honestly; we just gave him what he had been asking for apart from the fact that we truly and deeply enjoyed it. Jay pressed me against the wall, kissing me with his soft, firm and human lips and nothing really mattered to me, not one of my thousand doubts and worries. It felt like a dream, the best dream ever.
It made everything else appear unreal and washed-out. And I never wanted to wake up, to regain focus.
I wish I could describe it. How it felt. How insane, how amazing, how devastating, and how perfect.
He was still him, he hadn’t changed and our eyes were glued to each other whenever we managed to open them.
You know I really don’t care, about anything. About what he is, what they’ve done to him. I doubt that it will ever feel better than with him. I don’t want anyone else.
I just don’t give a damn. And I won’t leave without him. No matter what it will take me.
I felt perfect, and I was perfect, as long as he was that close to me, as long as he was inside of me, touching me, kissing me. Trying to explain how it felt, trying to put this feeling into words, it would never measure up to it. We were alone and one.
Judge me. Tell me that I am insane. Tell me that this is just my Stockholm syndrome speaking and I will tell you to fuck off.
I know I smiled, the whole time. I even smiled when that voice told him to leave me. As he did, I watched him pulling his pants up, retrieving his shirt, smiling at him, even though he didn’t manage to. There was a different glance in his eyes, one that made me cry even though I was smiling. I only gathered my clothes when I heard his door shut, quickly putting them on, following Gray and Peter silently, and smiling. And that same expression is still written all over my face, because I’m happy. Despite everything I am infinitely happy. And I will cling to this emotion as long as I possibly can.
No White visits, no Peter accompanies me for Dinner. I still don’t care, and I still smile. I know I want to climb through these tunnels again to see him, but it would be stupid, I would do stupid things. I know I have to wait, I know I should savor this as long as I can. I know I shouldn’t smile like an idiot, but I just cannot stop.
Day 73
I know that I shouldn’t expect or hope to see him today. Apart from the fact that there seems to be this unwritten law that there are not two days following each other when I get to that cage, seemingly sticking to that straight numbers theory. However, I think he broke a rule. I mean he didn’t warp his face. And I... I didn’t react surprised or confused. I knew I would live to regret it even as I pretended not to care.
Yet, nothing is different today, at least for me. My schedule is the same. Now I’m at Lunch and... wait.
Are they suspicious?
Will they be?
Will White punish him?
Will there be punishment for me?
I think whenever this pervert gets a chance he will go for it. I have to be careful what I say and do so that he won’t know. Still, this creepy feeling is clinging to my neck like a spider to its web that... that all of this had been White’s plan, all of it. That, I think too highly of myself and that he hasn’t underestimated me at all.
He wants me to become pregnant... and yesterday... if that wasn’t perfect, if that didn’t feel right... what if all of this was just so that I would...
No, I haven’t visited Jay, because after Dinner I simply passed out. I know I had written that I wouldn’t go, but of course I had lied to myself. I wanted to see him and I still do. Luckily my own stupidity was undermined by my body. As I woke up I had never felt so perfectly worn out and tired in my entire life, like I had spent the entire day on the beach strolling, enjoying the sun and fresh air.
I don’t know for long I have been staring at this blank page in front of me, trying to find some way to start. Now I’m writing about starting to write, but it seems to work.
No, they didn’t take me to him. I wasn’t taken. White came to me. And he brought along a laptop, which confused me. He wouldn’t bring me something like that and of course he didn’t. He told me to sit down and placed the second chair close to mine and I didn’t dare to scoot. He showed me. Yes, I already thought that they were taping, but I never expected to see those tapes. Watching myself makes everything so much more strange. It was the recording of yesterday. I believe Severin, White, could hear my heart hammer in my chest.
I don’t know how to describe it, or if I even should because I knew what happened, I was there. At least I thought. But I didn’t. I mean, I remember it, but differently. It’s like I still feel his lips on mine and on my neck, like everywhere. I remember how he looked at me: caring, grateful, yearning, but I don’t remember that he changed. I really don’t. In my memory it never happened.
Maybe because had had changed slowly. I don’t know. Maybe they manipulated the tape, but that wouldn’t make any sense. Not in that short time, no, why would he?
I think I was caught by the picture in front of me, watching it. I don’t know if White was looking at me or the recording. Jay changed and my behavior didn’t. I mean: how? I didn’t notice. How didn’t I notice? Just like, in my memory, that recorded version of me didn’t look like she saw or felt it. Jay started out being human and I guess my surprise about that was more than enough so that White wouldn’t be suspicious. Although we kissed like a couple that hadn’t seen each other for months – which is somehow true, if you think about it – but then... I thought I didn’t notice because Jay seemingly didn’t, but he then hesitated and I pulled his warped lips back on mine.
White didn’t stop the recording. And I... the way he looked at me, I didn’t dare to stop watching it. Maybe he wanted me to get sick by the sight of this; maybe he just wanted to see my reaction to watching myself doing it without restraint with what he called a monster. He just made me experience it for a second time.
Yet, White just made me want to do it again. I know it sounds crazy, but do you stop... whatever you feel for someone when that someone is changed by events he
couldn’t influence? Would you stop wanting someone because he got burned and his appearance is distorted for life? It’s about the character, not the appearance. Maybe that’s not the right comparison in this case, but to me it is.
“Why did you show this to me?” I managed to ask after the video stopped and White just looked at me.
“I think you know”, was his answer and it made me look at him, made me see his glance with those cold, terrifying eyes and I knew.
I just know that he wants me. I just know. In his own way, I guess, he wants me for himself. He wants me as his chew toy. But unfortunately, White, you gave me to Ten and I remember perfectly well how you told me that day that your Ten – my Jay – is more valuable than you.
Those were my thoughts and I think that he could read them off my face. Maybe I will learn to regret being that rebellious, even if it’s just in my mind.
He saw them on my face.
“You won’t see him for some days”, he closed the laptop and got up, I followed, asking why and “why is it so bad he showed me his face? It didn’t make any difference, did it? We still did it. Isn’t that what you want?”
“He wasn’t allowed to”, White answered dryly.
“This is was it’s all about? Because he wasn’t the good dog you want him to be?” I was too loud, because I was too angry. “He’s a human being, not a dog. You cannot train or treat him like that.”
“I can treat him the way I want, because I made him what he is. I define what he is, not you”, the sound of his voice should have alarmed me. “And I can treat you the way I want, because like him you are mine.”
“I’m not”, I wanted to disagree strongly, but my voice lacked of self-assuredness.
And then – all of the sudden – his hand was at my throat and I was paralyzed by shock and terror.
The next thing I knew was that he had pushed me against the wall, his thin fingers tightening around my neck. Never had I expected him to be that strong.
“No one is coming to save you, you know that”, Severin said. “You are dead. There was a fire in your dorm and you didn’t make it. All what they found was a burned corpse which had your DNA. It was quite easy to manage that. Your parents have buried you in your hometown two months ago. You are mine, because there’s nothing left of the human you once were apart from this body. And if you don’t behave like I see fit, I can take you away from him and I can train and treat you like a dog as well, maybe even turn you into one.”
I expected him to flip me around, toss me against the table, to spank or whip me again and eventually force me. I really did and I couldn’t will my body to do anything to defend me. Instead, he left, leaving me behind, slumped to the ground, with only one thought in my head: My parents have buried me.
Day 74
I’m back. My diary looks untouched, like everything else, but they might know.
I have to begin from the start.
Day 74. So, three days ago White sent others to take me. Not Peter or Gray. I think they were the same that groped me in front of Jay’s eyes. I don’t really have a proof for that apart from the icky feeling in my stomach when they took me by my arms and literally pulled me away with them that I almost stumbled.
Probably I could have stopped walking and they would drag me with them anyway.
Peter is always gentle and there is nothing bad I could say about Gray. I wasn’t used to being treated like that anymore; maybe that’s why I wasn’t scared but annoyed and confused. So, I guess that was the true reason behind it all.
They took me back to my cell, the room I first woke up, where it all began. That was when I knew something was different, something was wrong, and fear crawled up my neck, beneath my skin. It was already too late.
They stripped me of all my clothes, not without touching and groping me while doing that, and then tossed me in there, laughing.
Apparently it wasn’t enough for White telling me what I was to him. It wasn’t enough to tell me that I was dead to everyone outside in the real world. He needed to show me, to make me feel it. And of course he wouldn’t remind me of all of this for just one day.
Somehow I expected it to be only two days, but not three. It’s always two-day-steps, and I think he knew what I anticipated.
I’m back now and it’s almost midnight to day 77.
I need to write this down. I need someone to read this and find a way of putting that mad, rabid dog down. White’s the monster, he’s the animal. I’d rather be covered with spiders than having him touch me, even look at me. If I could, I would kill him, with my bare hands. I’m sure Jay wants to as well.
No food, no clothing, not even a blanket. I drank water from the tap, filling my stomach whenever it grumbled. Of course that water was cold, so there was no way warming me up other than either moving around or crouching down. They left me alone the whole day, without light, just these rays that the door didn’t hold back. I think I spent hours just staring at the yellow, the only color I had, which made the blackness of that cell even darker.
I couldn’t move the grate of the vent with my bare fingers, so I didn’t try. I didn’t whisper into it either, because I knew Jay wouldn’t be able to hear me. Even if he did, there would be nothing he could do for me; it only would drive him mad. I kept worrying about him that whole day.
But then there was the night... and White needed to remind me to be grateful, and to be as I had promised to be: a nice girl that was obedient and did behave well. The last sessions I hadn’t shown any of these qualities. I knew that, but I had no idea what retaliation, he had in store for me. And I didn’t want to imagine what might come, because it’s seldom, rarely what you are thinking of, it’s mostly even worse.
Day 75
It was in the middle of the night, dark, and they were dressed in black. The light in the corridor was off so I couldn’t see much, when the door was opened, pulling me from my unsteady sleep icily. I was wide awake and somehow it reminded me of that moment when they abducted me. I had never been so terrified in my whole life, I guess not even the first time I met Jay, and that moment was just the same, because I knew it was them, and even though I had no idea what was about to come, I could sense it, like the monster beneath the bed, like the thunder in the distance, promising a wrecking storm.
I kept reminding myself that they needed me to be untouched in some way, because they needed Jay to get me pregnant and not someone else. But then again, there were such neat inventions preventing things like these. Whatever my mind came up with in these few seconds, the realist always knew an argument against it. They didn’t need my brain to do the math for them. They were prepared. Obviously, they were more than that, because there were a lot of possibilities left, without taking risks.
Me being important to a subject that was more important than their superior didn’t stop them from anything else. I’m sure that White gave them rules which they wouldn’t dare to break. So, they didn’t... They simply tossed me around, like dogs sharing a bone.
You know that dogs don’t share a bone. Whatever time they get with it, they use it in the most effective, greedy way. They were meant to terrify me. And it worked. Feeling their hands groping every part of me... I just... I don’t want to write the details. They didn’t force me, not in the classical sense anyhow, but there was no difference for me. I was dehumanized, stripped of more than just clothes, mutilated in a different sense.
They were three of them, and they didn’t talk to me, just laughed, muttering things. I didn’t want to hear any of it. Somehow I managed to just blank out, but I can’t remember what I was thinking at that time. I just don’t recall, I can’t even pretend to.
When they left, one of them tossed me a bone and all three of them laughed.
Message received.
Even if I would have had a blanket it wouldn’t have been able to cover me the way I needed it to. Since I didn’t want them to surprise me at night again, I tried my best to sleep during the day, which is hard when you are hungry
and images haunt you.
I try to explain all of this with reason, because White has a reason. Maybe he wants me to be afraid of meeting Jay again and having sex with him, as his own special torment. He definitely wasn’t happy about me enjoying myself, about me not caring about them.
In my way I was the worst kind of disobedient to him. I know, despite being here because of Jay and especially for him, in some sick way White wants me for himself, and the only way that is possible apparently is that I think exactly like him about Jay.
He wants me to despise him, he wants me to hate him, and I know retrospectively that this probably was what having to look at him that one time was all about. I think. White wants to be able to pretend that I’m thinking of him. It would make so much more sense.
He definitely wanted to make a point.
Not that he hadn’t already.
I’m wondering if he watched it as well, all the time, if he keeps tapes of it. However, he definitely wasn’t one of them.
Every sound made me jump.
I tried to sleep, but the further the day the more difficult. And then, the door was opened.
I’m sure it was one of them, because he kept talking about it. He offered me something to eat and I could tell what exactly he meant. Eat something of ‘him’. The way he placed his hands on his belt made it pretty much undeniable what he was hinting at. I didn’t answer and tried to ignore him and his taunting.
At some point I couldn’t hear it anymore, him talking about what I was, what I looked like, that he would love to to every hole of mine. Maybe that was why I had to spend another night. I already had considered accepting the offer just to bite his precious thing off. The only thing that held me back was the thought of having that piece of flesh in my mouth.
The Beast And Me Page 17