So I kept silent and glared at the floor panels through my eyelashes.
“Also, I’m sorry to say that we need your... services”, he continued and I swear I almost burned the ground with my stare hearing this, but he took my breath away: “... no... assistance. That is rather the proper definition, is it?”
I couldn’t help but look at him in puzzlement.
“You were right. You have an influence on him that no one else has. I am sure this is because of your unique... situation”, Severin continued – go figure.
I cannot put into words how much I despise the way he gestures while he talks in this know-it-all-tone. This, combined with the look he gives to me. I’m not imagining this. There is something about it. I know what it means, but I refuse to believe. Simply because if this glance really means that he, somehow, in that sick and twisted mind of his, is attracted to me I would have an outstanding opportunity. Maybe this would even be the quickest way. I... I want to puke out my stomach just thinking of...
Later, I will try to get used to that thought later.
I was already sure that whatever awaited me at the end of Jay’s cage, I wouldn’t appreciate it, I wouldn’t like it, it would certainly terrify me in a certain way, but now, now I was petrified, horrified. The dim light still wasn’t enough for me to see across the room. And the silence drowned me. When it was broken, I didn’t feel like tearing through the surface and inhaling the air, it felt like being pulled deeper into the void, failing to hold my breath and sucking in dirty, gooey water.
A clangor of chains. A low groan.
Right then and there, out of nowhere, I asked myself what the dim lights were for, why it had to be this way, if it was simply White’s sick taste.
I didn’t know, like I still don’t know. It wasn’t really important, why, but because of the anger that me asking in the first place evoked. The ire was like a strong kick of my legs, bringing me back above the water, above the fear. Being petrified and scared, wouldn’t help anyone, and it wouldn’t change the situation.
Everything was different in that moment. It wasn’t me waiting at the other end for Jay to come over and grant me a moment of bliss, of escaping this place. It was him waiting for me and I would come over no matter what.
I reached the other end, which lay in almost complete darkness. There he was, meaning I heard him before I was able to see him: his growl, close to a snarl and chains clinging, without any resonation. Heavy chains, the kind I probably would never be able to even lift.
His wrists cuffed and the chain attached to the manacles was pulled though an anchor in the wall behind him, far above his head. He still was there, in the same position, as the day before.
They hadn’t moved him, and I wondered if they had even given him anything to eat or to drink.
As soon as he heard me approaching, he leaped towards me, making his hands, along with his arms, and shoulders, snap backwards, leaning into his joints so that he could move forward as far as possible, trying to reach me with his fangs.
He was fully changed, baring his teeth, gnarling at me angrily, trying to attack me.
I swallowed dryly and somehow, somehow I managed not to flinch, not to retreat. Jay didn’t recognize me.
The Beast didn’t know who I was.
I couldn’t see the human in those bright green eyes. Every vein in his body seemed swollen and he was covered with cuts and slashes, some of them already healed, others still about to. His skin was smeared, stained with what I guessed was dried blood, but I couldn’t tell if all of it was really his. Definitely he hadn’t allowed anyone near him to tend to his injuries and his chest was still heaving, maybe even more when I dared looking at him.
I felt like someone had clawed through my heart to let it bleed out. I think I gasped, and I found my hand covering my mouth, my eyes burning, my throat aching.
He reacted to that, leaning into the chains even more, creating a noise emphasizing his low growl. I had to look down, just to inhale cautiously because I had held my breath in shock. The ground was stained, and though I could barely see the colors there: I know it was blood as well. Basically, it was everywhere. I was the sole clean spot in this place.
That was when I was cut loose from whatever held me back. I didn’t think about the possibility that he might try to hurt me and I believe his instinct was rather prepared for him getting hurt AGAIN. Since his hands were pulled back and my reaction was so different from what he was expecting, I thought to see confusion in his eyes, and then bewilderment as I enfolded his warped face with my hands. I didn’t care about acting. I know I should have acted differently for White, but screw him.
“What have they done to you?” I whispered, unintentionally, I just wasn’t able to bring out a real sound; the metaphorical water I had been drowning in, still clung to my vocal cords.
“Jay.”
I think me saying his name did have an effect.
Maybe he recognized me, yet he didn’t change back, not a bit, and his body didn’t stop shivering from tension, or his chest from heaving. I am sure he would have ripped anyone that stepped inside his reach into little square pieces, without hesitation.
And I, yes, I was aware of that, but I could also see his pupils focusing on me, in a different way than before. He didn’t glare at me anymore, but watched me incredulously. I brushed my thumbs across his cheeks and he slowly stopped baring his teeth.
“Jay”, I whispered once more and his breathing seemed to become steadier, calmer, maybe he remembered my touch.
And then I hugged him.
I didn’t know what else to do. It felt almost like I slipped, lost balance and fell against him – that’s probably what it looked like through that horrific window.
I felt terrible, helpless, desperate and I could only imagine how he must feel. No, I know exactly how he felt, because White had done the same to me, more or less.
And he... Jay pressed his face into my neck and I think he relaxed just a little, didn’t fall into the chains fully, as I tried to avoid the open cuts. I didn’t realize that he was moving backwards until I felt his hands on my waist. So, I shoved him further back gently.
Even now, as I write this, I don’t believe that he was ever thinking of hurting me, that all he wanted was to wrap his arms around me and pull me close so tightly that he unintentionally pushed the air out of my lungs.
Still, he was so upset, so tense, so on edge that I had no idea how to change that. His jerking breath rolled off my collarbone, his pulse hammered against my skin.
I didn’t care that White had asked me for it, I myself needed to calm him down, so that he could feel better. I stroked his hair tenderly and kissed his cheek chastely, but it wasn’t enough.
“I’m here”, I whispered as we had reached the wall, while I was continuing to stroke his hair. “I’m not going to leave you. I’m here.”
It didn’t help. Whatever I did, it seemed pointless, but I wouldn’t give up that easily. With his limited means he had managed to gain my trust, to win my heart not overnight, but weeks. If I had to, I would stay here just as long.
So I leaned away from him just enough to be able to enfold his face again. He was too much Beast than to be ashamed of his appearance. I noticed instantly and I didn’t really know why, despite him not avoiding my look or evading my direct approach.
At that moment, I guess, I understood what Severin had meant. The Beast looked straight back at me, studying my face, grazing my features with his glance, trying to read my expression. And I... I did the only thing I could think of to make him feel better, the only thing I knew that would work.
I know who he is; I don’t care what he is.
I know what he feels for me, what I mean to him, and that is the absolute opposite of what he feels for everyone else. So I kissed him, pressed my lips against his slightly opened mouth, holding his face between my palms. I think I surprised him as much as I surprised myself. His reaction, however, was as human as it could possibly be. Hi
s claws ran up my back without hurting me, rather tickling me, speeding up my heartbeat, and pressed me against him as he was kissing me back, instantly. I literally could feel something flipping the switch inside of him. The temperature changed. Even though this wasn’t what I had been thinking of but I instantly caught fire. He set me on fire. Especially as one of his hands moved back down my spine to my tail bone, pressing my lap against his, while his mouth brushed across my cheek so that his tongue could trail down my neck to my collarbone.
And just like that I wanted him. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to. I know he sensed it and I know how to interpret it, so I leaned my head back, exposing my throat, so he could move his lips across the gauzy skin.
I know what that means in wildlife, and it does still mean the same to human beings. His breath rolled over my neck in a forceful wave, infecting me with whatever caught hold of him.
What followed is nothing more than a blur in my head. I felt his hands and arms on my skin and soon after his lips, his tongue on my chest, as my hands were on his, counting the little scars and healed cuts while he was torturing me in the only sweet way we both knew. No matter how many pieces of clothing I lost, I didn’t stop burning. The fever didn’t cool down, but intensified.
How can I explain why and how arousing it felt to sense his claws, fingers and lips on my skin? And how horrible not being able to lie down and have him even closer? All thoughts and sounds that were not ours vanished into nonexistence.
When he got down, pulling off my pants, and kissed me, he melted me down so I almost lost balance, but he held me tightly, while I became dizzy.
I was sure, that these moans weren’t mine, but I know that there was no one else in there with us.
And I knew that his tongue was teasing, tormenting, playing the instrument that was me. I dug my hands into his hair and pulled it when I came, outpouring myself, every self, my entire being into his hold.
It seems so unreal thinking about it.
There was nothing left of me as he rose up in front of me. He was standing again, still all fueled up, his eyes drooping yet glowing, making my heart jump with pleasant excitement. All I knew was that I didn’t want him to fling me around to the wall, that I needed this time to be different. So it was me taking action.
I really did. I tumbled towards him, almost crushing my lips into his and pushed him back, bringing my hands down to make sure that he did lose his pants, while my tongue distracted him and... I told him...
I can still feel the chain and his manacles in my back, I’m sure I’ll have bruises there.
He lifted me up and – oh God – why does memory fade? Why does it not live up to reality?
It’s not fair.
Maybe it was different as he was fully changed, but I feel too awkward to think about that, just... it was SO intense, so close, so intimate. No room left, so space between us. Lifting me up, he eventually turned, never letting go of my mouth, and pressed me against the wall. I felt the chain at my lower back, the pain of the pressure was faint and far away. It was my bare shoulders scratching against the concrete as he... there is no other word... he did exactly what I told him to.
I think I already came the moment he was fully inside me. I can’t even tell if it ever stopped, it simply went on and on and on.
All I know is how it felt, and that I clung to his shoulders, his neck, his head, depending on how he moved and where his tongue, his lips, his teeth... fangs were.
I felt so complete. And so much more as he came. Because the sound... the sounds he made, so desperate... the way he held me... like I was his dear life... it... I felt hot tears running down my face and down my neck, and those couldn’t have been mine.
He held me there for some time until he had to pull away and gently placed me down, still pressing me against the wall, like he almost expected me to flee or get ripped off of him.
Most likely he sensed how wobbly my legs were. His skin was burning against mine and I looked up into his misty green eyes, watching them shift back slowly, but not fully, just like the rest of his body.
I didn’t care – Hell, I still don’t – I knew I just smiled at him and Jay started to kiss me. Differently, placing hundreds of little peck all across my face. I don’t know if I even had the chance to stop burning, though in the beginning it was solely my heart. Then my hands pulled him close again.
This is how you forget this place.
With him, there is just us, the Beast and me.
Jay and me.
Nothing else.
No one else.
Again, I wrapped my hands around his face, just to make sure that he kept on kissing me in all the right places, especially my mouth and neck.
When it comes to him I feel like no boy before ever knew what they were doing, or maybe it’s just me.
Jay wasn’t entirely calmed down, still stuck halfway between Beast and him. I don’t know for how long he kissed me and it was just when I wondered why or if they would separate us – and it took me quite a while to assemble the words in my head because he continued to kiss my neck – just where he knew he would make me whimper: down to the collarbone, chest and breasts returning right back to the point where we had started – when he suddenly, out of nowhere, tensed up again. His head flung around and I realized that the speaker had been switched on. He growled and I squealed lowly as his claws dug into my skin. They left us alone, killed the speaker, because they had almost ruined my ‘work’.
In his eyes, I could see anger and it stung me in both ways, good and bad. Yet Jay resumed kissing me, planting fires on my skin and gently turned me around. My heart dropped and leaped, my legs were still shaking and I was already sore. I could feel it as he entered me again. My body still remembered and still it instantly ached, yearning for him. I pressed my hands against the wall, buffering. He was slower this time.
Oh, I love it so much having his cheek against mine, hearing him next to my ear. I never thought I would want someone so much that I could never ever have enough of him. And not even like that. I could do this forever and I don’t care how he looks, I don’t care what he is.
He placed his clawed hands above mine, his fingers digging into the spaces between mine. I couldn’t bear it. I don’t know how I did, I still can’t.
All I could think was ‘don’t stop, please, don’t stop’, and I think I said it out loud as well. I lost count on how many times he brought me over the edge.
I think his voice alone is able to do that to me now. When it’s making these desperate, pleading sounds, or panting my name.
My name.
Jay still held me there, against the wall, even though he wrapped his arms around my chest and stomach, thoughtlessly stroking my scars, his marks on me, and I caressed his forearms.
Though I hadn’t seen him change back completely, I knew that he was entirely back to human, right then as his mouth rested on my shoulder and my cheek against his forehead.
“I’m not leaving without you”, I whispered as lowly as possible, more breathing out and forming words with my mouth, so that no one but him would hear.
His muscles flexed briefly and I knew that he had understood.
This time I could hear the speaker as well and he straightened up instantly, turned me around and caught my face with his hands.
How I love his face, when he looks at me like that, with these eyes that – no matter the color – show me that he never ever wants to let go of me.
He kissed me.
Even if I had wanted to refuse, there was no chance evading the inevitable. Jay pulled me closer towards him as if he wanted to memorize how my body felt against his.
“Meghan”, I heard White’s voice through the speaker and Jay dropped his hands.
How I wish that bastard wouldn’t say my full name, how I wish that he would understand that only Jay is allowed to call me Meghan and no one else.
I exhaled. Quickly I gathered my clothes and I knew looking back at him would ruin my chances to t
ell White that I had just carried out his order.
“Don’t doubt me”, I breathed out again, and I still hope that he heard and understood it.
Pressing my clothes against me, I ran towards the door, which was opened. I heard how White hissed at Peter and Gray to get out as I got into the little room barely covered. There was only White left as I tore my eyes open to act the way he wanted me to.
The tears were back, because my body was mourning the loss of Jay’s warming skin against mine.
“Oh, you did so well”, White smiled at me and I swallowed down the acid, because I stood there, NAKED and he was frolicking.
“Dress up, they will take you”, he turned around, but I know he peeked, yet I knew never to disobey him. Not yet at least.
Day 85
I don't know what to write and I don't want to. It's like being demoted, even worse than that. I can't go out of this room, I have not even been taken to work out.
Peter hasn’t talked to me even though he still is the one bringing me my food. All I can do is run up and down my room, and wait for news. I have no inner peace for Yoga or Tai Chi.
Now, after what happened yesterday, I can’t relax around him and for several minutes after he has been here. The way he behaved, the way he talked, and spoke, it just doesn’t go out of my head.
He was like White, like Severin.
But this can't be, can it? They can't be related, can they? I feel so tired, so worn out. Maybe it’s just everything that happened the last several days, and everything about yesterday, maybe it’s my menses announcing themselves.
I just don’t know.
Once again all I can do is wait and try to evade my own thoughts, by getting some sleep. But these pictures in my mind create nightmares, and they do even when I am awake, make me so restless that I wish I could ‘beast out’ as well and destroy something, or tear this door down so that I can find out if Jay is really any better, if it means that it wasn’t a farewell.
I have to ask for someone else to bring my food, for someone else to guard my door, and take me wherever they want me to go. I just can take it. All that felt good being around Peter is gone, eradicated. I tense up so massively it makes my muscles hurt. Maybe that’s what makes me so tired, so drained. I feel like I have lost my energy.
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