I think I thanked him for that, even though I felt like spitting my bile in his face.
As he placed his hands on my enfolded ones, with which I tried to keep myself together, I flinched. I flinched so hard that for a second I feared that my own muscles would break my bones. He definitely noticed this time, because his eyes moved to our hands, but didn’t react.
“You have promised to be a nice girl and – except for one time I had to remind – you have been true to this, and now your suggestion has kept me thinking. You know that I cannot trust you that easily. You must understand that. Apart from that there is enough staff around here. But there is a special task that is yours if you are willing.”
My mind, my reason, wanted to hesitate, pondering what kind of cruel, disgusting task, it might be, but I could hear my own voice telling him "Anything", almost in excitement.
And with that it was too late to take it back. He patted the back of my hand.
“So much enthusiasm”, he said. “Just to please me?”
I barely kept it together, barely held up my act, yet it was somehow enough to lower my eyelashes and look down, faking to blush.
“This can only happen if you can manage to behave 24-7 without me having to worry about your well-being and obedience.”
My ears rang: 24-7.
I felt my eyes wander up to his, questioning. I probably looked like a little girl that was promised to finally get her pony. And White looked back exactly like the kind of Dad who could afford it. Still, there was a glint of doubt left, but I didn’t dare ask for reassurance. I simply had to believe that he either was able to read minds or read my diary. Both theories are equally terrifying, but I convinced myself that this simply was coincidence.
“You will have to meet him no matter which state you both are in”, he continued and I turned back to staring at my table, trying to give his cryptic words some sort of sense, trying to find other possible interpretations.
“When we are sure that he won’t hurt you no matter what, and that you are able to endure this. You will have to stay with him."
My heart started beating that fast and wildly that I was sure that even White with his usual human hearing was able to hear it.
I’m not sure if I said anything or reacted in any way and I still don’t know what to think of this. Because now, after Lunch, I’m worried. This is too good to be true and, honestly, after almost three months, it seems like this doesn’t make any sense, does it? Because it makes perfect sense. I have proven that I am able to calm him down, bring him back to reason, no matter what. So putting us together would ensure that he would be reasonable 24-7. They still can play the fear-game with us, through threatening us with separation.
However, here comes the big, fat ‘but’: BUT if they know that I am pregnant...
White sincerely sounded like he wasn’t sure if Jay was really able to compose himself permanently. Yet, I still believe that those times he hurt me, that this hadn’t been him, and that there had been other influences destabilizing him. We hadn’t been together for that long; he didn’t know then how I would react, how I would feel for him. The second time definitely was an order by White and the first time... was the first time, right?
“Meghan”, White said my name and I don’t know where to begin explaining how much I hate it hearing him speak it out. “If I believe that it is possible for you to stay with him, you will have one task that is the most important of it all.”
I already knew it, so I didn’t need to prepare myself for what he said. I prepared myself to react the way he would expect of me.
“You will make sure that he will do everything for you”, White said and it wasn’t what I had expected.
I know that he wants me to become pregnant, to conceive a cross-species child. And here he was, telling me that I would have to do anything so that Jay would be fixated on me.
I must have stared blankly.
“You understand what I mean?”
Instinctively, I looked at him and it dawned on me. Severin only wrapped it into nice paper. He actually did tell me that I would have to have intercourse with Jay as often as possible without really telling me. I nodded.
I waited and waited and waited, but no one picked me up after Lunch. And I start to wonder if I got him wrong. Do I really expect that they will take me to him directly? I’m sure that White will do some more tests to make sure that I am safe during the night, or rather the time that I will spend with him. If he only knew that I already spend hours with him once and nothing happened. Or was he just fooling me? Trying to get my hopes up? To see my reaction? I wonder what will happen. If something is going to happen at all. I am sure that Severin has already made something up in his vicious and perverted mind.
I’m lying in bed now and somehow I know I shouldn’t visit Jay tonight. Yet, I want to, SO badly. Not for... no, not after that, but... he’s the only one I feel safe with, as crazy as it sounds.
He’s the only one I trust.
He might turn into a lethal creature, but...
Yes, I know I can’t say that he has never hurt me, but that was another time - even if it was less than three months ago. He recognizes me. Those times he was in chains, filled with rage. He still knew it was me. So what’s the point?
My body knows what it wants, apparently. It’s almost midnight, close to the first check up on me and I’m awake. I must have slept 1½ hours, but I guess I really need to see him so badly. I wonder if Peter will check on me. I’d better fake that I am sleeping. I can’t talk to him right now, even though I know he wants to. It would give me another opportunity. But I don’t want to. I think I can hear him, hear his steps. Are there more than one? I should...
He’s here. He’s actually here. Jay.
What... I don’t know how long he’ll stay here with me, but right now he is using MY shower. I told him he could take as long as he wants to. He’s here. He’s really here.
I couldn’t believe what I saw as the door opened. I first thought it was Peter, well actually it was Peter but he wasn’t alone and it wasn’t him, uncertainly saying my name. And I didn’t believe it, yet I answered.
"Yes?" and the lights were switched on.
"You’ve got a visitor", was all Peter said, as grumpy as possible, and the door was shut behind him.
Jay.
And there he was, standing in my room like a 14year old on his first date. I never thought that this man could be terrified by a room.
Okay, it’s all white on white apart from my books and the paintings. I blinked and I blinked heavily because I, Hell, I still don’t believe it!
Yes, I know that there is a camera in my room, but I really couldn’t think about it as he was still standing there after I pinched myself under the blanket.
So, I got up while he hadn’t moved an inch. I guess my heart was beating a waltz, I don’t know. I think nothing that I did was done out of reason. I just got over there, enfolded his face in my hands and kissed him and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer like he couldn’t believe it himself. I just rested my head against his collarbone. I mean, that was all I wanted and he did nothing but simply hold me.
“You’ve got a nice room”, Jay murmured into my hair and his voice summoned goose bumps onto my skin.
I just hummed in agreement and inhaled deeply.
“Let’s give you a tour”, I joked and took his hand; instantly he interlaced his fingers with mine and I know I felt that I blushed.
So I showed him my table, my board with my books, the paintings on my wall, my bed and my bathroom. And that’s how it ended. I never ever experienced someone asking so shyly if he could take a shower. And I have to admit, despite everything, I really do want to join him.
Day 90
Jay’s gone. They didn’t let him stay for Breakfast but it’s a first step, I guess. Still, it feels like being kicked in the stomach and I couldn’t think about eating. And I didn’t want to, but I did leave an empty tray as Peter took it. Hunger
still wins over appetite. I never thought it would hit me that hard, that I wouldn’t notice filling my mouth.
It’s Afternoon now and I’m lying on my bed. I’m not expecting that they will come and take me, that I’m going to see him soon. Despite White’s indication. Still, he said that they would have to be sure that I would be fine, but he stayed the whole night. We didn’t have a marathon. We cuddled most of the night. We slept in each other’s arms. And nothing happened to me.
All I’m doing right now is swallowing down the tears that try to etch their way out of my eyes.
I wanted to go to the gym to distract myself, to work out so hard that I hurt myself, but I kept waiting and Peter didn’t show up. So, when the usual time was over I did my Yoga and Tai Chi once more. Nonetheless, I needed a shower after that.
In there, it’s so easy to hide the tears, because they don’t see me there. And I don’t feel them running down my cheeks because they mix up with the water raining down on me. But here, on my bed, I know they watch me. So I faked reading. I tried some additional Tai Chi, but it didn’t give me any rest. HOW could it, actually. Eventually I gave up and crashed down onto my pillow face down because it still smells of him. These sheets. They make me believe, when I close my eyes, that he is still here. With me. They make me remember and it makes me smile. So I keep my eyes shut, staying like this, savoring this fragile memory, trying to catch and hold it like a cat would a butterfly, knowing that sooner or later it will die in my hands. So I write it down now, for myself, so can read and relive it over and over again.
I actually did it. I went to the shower yesterday, when he was still in it. Who can blame me? Nothing looks more stunning than water running down his skin. I have to admit that I did turn around to leave again, but he had already noticed me, rubbing the water out of his eyes, when I turned away. Yet, I could feel Jay’s eyes on my back and I just froze. I mean, I didn’t see much because of the fogged up glass, I just... God knows what I’ve been thinking.
I don’t really know if he said something or not, or what it was that made me turn around again. The next thing I knew was that I felt the water rain down on my body while I kissed him and his hands were resting on my lower back.
I really don’t know why everything is completely different when I’m with him. Why everything seems so normal. Why everything outside our six-feet-square-bubble is simply gone. Why I keep forgetting the other side of him, this manifestation in the form of the Beast. Not that it would scare me. Not that I would care. I love both sides of him equally, because to me there are no sides really.
Actually, it’s insanely arousing to feel his fingers move up my back, through my wet clothes, pressing my chest against his, or, after the fabric is removed, while they trail up these tiny scars his claws created not so long ago. It made him shiver, but I kissed these thoughts away. They have no room between us. And I think, secretly, silently, that I am the Beast when it comes to the two of us. As crazy as it sounds: I can’t have enough of him. And Jay knows. I doubt he can comprehend it.
Every time we caught our breath, he just marveled down at me, trying to understand how I was able to feel this for him. To be honest, I think he hates himself enough for the both of us and he needs me to balance out his detestation for himself. He has no idea how easy it is for me to... love him.
Believe it or not, we didn’t do it in the shower. I don’t know why, really. It just didn’t happen. We just had fun with the foam and scrubbed our backs like... a normal couple I guess. After I had dried off myself, I got my clothes and went over to my bed to switch on the little lamp on my night table. And... well, I didn’t have the time to put them on.
It’s just insane how different the same thing can be. Like him suddenly standing behind me, wrapping his right arm around my stomach, instantly giving me goose bumps. The fingers of his left hand touched my neck so lightly that they could have been wind; I leaned towards them and I guess that was just what he had thought about, because the next moment I felt his lips on the other side of my neck. How such tangencies can hit a body like lightning. I could feel it everywhere. Everywhere.
I wanted to jump around and grab him, pull him along with me on my bed and make him do me, but I was completely paralyzed. Even more so, as I felt his tongue on my skin. I never knew that I could feel that. I never want to forget this sensation of tenderness. How it almost made me cry when he pulled me so tightly towards him that I could sense his despair freezing the air around us.
His scent on my sheets is intoxicating and I am actually scared, afraid of the moment that I return to my room and find them to be changed. Somehow I have to ask myself if I am White’s test subject and he is trying to find out how far he can push me until I break.
I remember that I doubted he would even care about me, but now, after 90 days, I wonder... I really have to wonder if it’s not about me as well. Maybe he’s curious what I am willing to do... for Jay. I can’t allow myself to think that I won’t see Jay for days again. And I’m silly. It’s about him. White wants to break him, but I won’t let him.
I know now where the phrase ‘love is pain’ comes from. It can take your breath away, it chokes you, it tightens around your chest, it burns you up, but you don’t want it to stop, yet you know it will. I knew it would end and I think that was the worst. And I could understand his despair so perfectly, as clearly as is it was my own, because it was ours. My hands tried to embrace what I got of him as I tried to press myself into his arms, against his chest. If I could just melt into one with him. White would not be able to tear us apart. I swear this is his greatest joy.
So much for faking fear. It’s just impossible to hold anything back when Jay is with me.
So, I turned my head towards his and his lips found mine, just as my fingers his face. Again, just like beneath the shower. Despite wanting him more than my lungs need the air, it’s enough for me to just kiss him, to taste him, inhale him, have him close to me, his warmth against my skin.
I don’t know what has happened to me that I feel like this. I already miss him so much that it gets difficult to breathe. Was this what all of this was about? Making it even worse? White is starting to give straws to us, little lights of hope that turn into will-o’-wisps.
Now looking back it is amazing that Jay hadn’t changed and I think it must have cost him quite a lot to compose himself. He just can’t imagine that I’m not afraid of it, and yet... kissing him like that, these soft lips stroking across my face and him sounding so human. By the way he breathed, how his muscles tensed and flexed, I knew that he literally imprisoned the Beast and I am embarrassed to say that it turned me on. But I knew somehow that he wanted it to be "normal" this time, so I didn’t tease him; I tried to help him, restrained myself, stroked him calmly.
It was strange to actually lie on a bed, feel softness beneath my back. Everything was so different this time. And yet not. He was holding himself back like he was afraid to initiate anything because he might not be able to stop himself from changing. I tried to be patient. Before getting here I could have counted the times I had done it on one hand.
I pressed my eyes shut and held my breath not to make any sounds as his mouth trailed down my chest and my stomach.
Tears gathered in them as he kissed my scars so softly.
I couldn’t allow him to drown himself in guilt about this, so I pulled him up, framing his beautiful face in my hands and kissed him.
My hands moved on their own, down his long neck to his shoulders, down and down to press himself against me. Before I knew what I was doing, he pulled away and I opened my eyes.
His were glowing green and his heart hammered against my chest. I didn’t say anything, just brought one of my hands up again to his cheek, stroking it before I gently lowered his face back to mine, keeping our eyes locked as I whispered: “I love you”, before I made him kiss me again.
At this moment something changed.
Nothing I could put my finger on, but it was different, like he was e
asing a bit. Still Jay was utterly careful, almost shy, as if this was his first time.
I guess all of this was just the reason why it felt so beyond words as we finally were one.
It was slow, so slow that it drove me insane, made me almost willingly hurt him so that he would move faster.
Love hurts.
Making love like that hurts even deeper. And I watched him fight against himself, clinging to my eyes as if drowning in them was the only thing keeping him in control.
It was so intense. I can’t describe it. Intimate.
This just tears me apart. I just can imagine how he must feel. It is so crazy that we might have never met if it hadn’t been for this experiment, for White. How can the most cruel and despicable create something as breathtaking beautiful as this?
I don’t know how he managed to control himself. Every time we meet – well, officially – actually the only time he hadn’t changed was when I secretly visited him – he hadn’t been able doing that and I ask myself if White had managed to interfere somehow.
It would make sense. However, I’m thinking this now and not while...
There was no way of thinking straight, or at all. After all these days, I thought rough, hard, brute sex would be my thing, the only way for me to actually get satisfaction – I guess I wouldn’t even think I would be able to write this.
But then... this was so different and still just the same.
And more: looking into his eyes, seeing his expression that felt like a mirror of my own. A reflection of myself that whispered back those words I had brought out before. I... I just burst into a million butterflies that exploded into sparks of myself.
And in that moment I loved him completely, relentlessly, consumingly, doubtlessly, ready to dissolve into nothing, into dust, to be inhaled by him. I don’t know how else I could describe it. I don’t know what else to say other than I still feel that way. As if I can’t breathe without him around me to make the air bearable.
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