by Rosie Praks
I still didn’t reply. I just hugged him, my own tears sliding down my cheeks.
I was hugging a criminal, a sick man. But why did something tell me this was all a mistake, that Julian was just a small pawn or a victim in someone else’s bigger plan for greater revenge, just like he’d been telling me? And he was trying to protect me from some unknown assailant who was trying to harm me.
My teardrop touched his arm. He looked up at me, eyes crying out with more tears, mouth begging for my forgiveness. He'd thought to calm me down with his confession; instead, he’d induced more tears from me.
“Kimberly. Oh, Kimberly. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I hurt you again. You’re crying. I can’t see you crying like this. It hurts too much. What do I do? I don’t want to see you cry. But I also don’t want to hurt you again. Will you leave me if I let you go? But I want to stay by your side. I want to trap you with my love. Is it too much to ask? Is it too late? Please don’t cry, Kimberly.”
“Julian. Julian.” I cradled his cheek again, forehead pressed against his. “I don’t want you to let me go. And I won’t let you go either. I won’t leave you. I want to be trapped by you. I want to be trapped in your arms, forever. I love you, Julian. I love you too.” I gathered him in my arms, hugging him with all of my strength, reassuring him I wouldn't ever let him go.
“Kimberly.” He buried his face at my nape, his shoulders trembling as his baritone voice muffled out, “What did I do to deserve you? You’re such an angel. Like you’ve been put on this earth to save a dark soul like me. What did I do to deserve you?”
“Aren’t we the same? I can’t breathe without you, just as you can’t function without me. I love you, Julian. I love you.”
“Kimberly.. My sweet Kimberly. You’re so good to me. How could I ever turn back time so I—”
“Don’t change time.” I cradled his cheeks and stopped him with a kiss on his lips. “The past is now the past. Right now is all I ask of you. Please be honest with me from now on. Please don’t hide anything from me anymore. What I need is trust in our relationship. We need to tell each other the truth from now on. No more secrets. And I thank you for telling me about your past. It must have caused you so much pain to reflect on those memories. But, Julian, thank you. Right now, you’re my most important person. I love you, Julian. Even if you were sick in the past. Even if you need treatment now, I will still love you. I will still want to be with you. Whatever problem you have, we’ll work it out together. Through sickness and through health, I promise I’ll stay beside you always.”
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how you could ever forgive me for causing you so much pain in the past, but let me spend the rest of my life redeeming myself.”
I nodded and smiled, my first smile in ages. I felt lighter, like I was floating. And then I realized I was happy, truly happy to be in his arms again, with no secrets and no lies hidden between us. This was pure love, not the twisted love we’d experienced in the past.
I allowed Julian to embrace me in his arms. We kissed in the rain, our lips entwined, filled with a promise of love. His tongue drove into me. I let him in, welcoming him fully in my mouth. Together we kissed like this until we were both sated.
“Julian.” I moaned out his name. It was the perfect ending to our story. He'd asked for my forgiveness. He’d told me everything. There was nothing now to worry about.
Julian cradled my face with his palms, gazing into me with loving eyes. “Kimberly, I love—Watch out!”
Julian twisted me around so fast I lost my bearings. And then—
Bang!
The sound of a gunshot still vibrated in my ears. Suddenly, Julian slipped out of my arms, the color red oozing from his chest.
I was numbed in shock at the turn of events. I touched the red fluid oozing from Julian’s chest. There was blood on my fingers. Julian’s blood.
I dropped down to the ground and screamed out his name, hugging his unconscious body against mine. “Julian!”
* * * * *
Chapter 22: Julian
Fire is all around me. I’m hot. I can’t breathe. Smoke billows into my nose. I’m choking.
“Mama. Mama. Where are you? Help me,” I wheeze.
“Julian. Oh God, baby. Mama's coming. Mama's coming.”
I’m in my bedroom. I don’t know when the flames started, but now it’s all around me. I’m scared. “Mama. Help me!”
I cuddle myself into a ball, crying.
Mama comes into my bedroom and carries me out. The hallway is hotter than my bedroom. I tug at her collar, hugging her neck.
“Mama, I’m scared.” I shake in her arms.
“It’s okay, Julian. We’re almost—”
She falls. A large beam comes crashing down on us. She pushes me aside. I roll across the floor. I get up and run to her.
“Mama. Get up. Let’s go.” I tug at her arm. “The room, it’s hot. I’m scared.”
“Julian. My brave boy. It’s okay.” She takes her rose pendant necklace off her neck and touches my cheek, her hand burning hot on my skin. She puts the necklace in my hand. “Take this. Keep it. Don’t give it to anyone. Only give it to the one you love. Now be a brave boy and go. Quick. Go outside.”
“Mama. What about you?” I sob, smoke stinging my eyes.
I can’t see Mama clearly. I wipe my eyes again.
“Julian, I’m okay. You go first. Now go!”
“But, Mama.” I clutch the rose necklace in my hand.
“Go, Julian. Go.”
“No, Mama. I’m not leaving you.” I tug at her hand again, but she won’t get up.
“Julian, do you love me?”
“I love you, Mama. I love you.” I wipe my tears again. It’s so dark. I can hardly see Mama now, but I keep going, trying to get her up from her fall.
“Then go. I promise I’ll see you on the other side.”
“Mama! Mama!” I sob and wheeze. But I get up and walk quickly to the door, like Mama tells me to.
I cough again. I can’t breathe. I’m choking. I can’t see. My eyes sting. I rub them again. I start to run.
It’s dark outside. But it’s not hot anymore. Someone picks me up.
“Hey, little buddy, is anyone else inside?” he asks me.
It’s Mr. Fireman. He wears a mask and helmet.
“Mr. Fireman. My mama,” I tell him, pointing to our house. “She said for me to wait outside. Please help her.”
“Good boy. Wait outside. I’ll go get her.”
I wait outside for Mama. But she never comes.
* * * * *
“Julian, say hello to your brother, Josh,” Papa says, gesturing to the little boy with blond hair in the play area.
“Hello,” I croak.
The boy doesn’t look at me. He’s busy playing with his toy cars. I want to play with them too. I want the green one. My favorite color is green.
But Papa turns me around. He says, “Julian, say hello to your mother, Fiona.”
I look up at the blond lady. She smiles at me.
“Hello, Julian. You look so cute, like a little dog. I hope you’ll like living with us.”
I stand behind Papa’s leg, holding on to his trousers.
“Now, now, Julian. Don’t be like this. Fiona is a nice woman. She’ll be a great mother to you.”
“But, Papa.” I look up at him. “What about Mama?”
“Your mother is dead,” Fiona says, crouching down to my level. “So now I’ll be your mother.”
“Mother?” I look at Fiona. “You’re my new mama?”
“Yes. Call me Mother.”
And she hugs me. But I feel cold. Not warm like with Mama’s hugs.
“Oh, Fiona, you’re so good to me. I’m sorry I brought this upon you. What can I do to ask for your forgiveness?” Papa talks to Fiona, holding her hands in his.
“Beau. If I can’t even accept your son, then I don’t deserve to be called your wife. You don’t need to do anything to ask for my forg
iveness. I forgive you. All I ask is you love our son.”
“Fiona, I’m so glad I married you.” I watch Papa give Fiona a kiss on the cheek, like he always gave Mama when he visited us.
* * * * *
“Josh, can I play with the green car?”
He nods and gives me the green car.
I smile and take it. But someone takes the car out of my hand.
I look up. It’s Fiona. She’s not smiling at me like before. She looks mad.
“Go play somewhere else, Julian,” she tells me.
“But Josh says I can play here.”
“Go play in the basement. There’s a green car there too.”
She leads me to the basement. It’s dark. I can’t see anything.
“I don’t want to play in the basement, Fiona,” I tell her. But she pushes me in and closes the door.
I bang on the door. It won’t open.
“Fiona,” I shout. “Open the door. I want to go out.”
No one answers me. I keep shouting. But no one comes.
I don’t know how long I’ve been here. My tummy hurts. My throat hurts. I’m tired.
I see a little bowl filled with water in one corner. I drink it. It tastes horrible. But I drink it again. Until my stomach is full.
I huddle in my corner and wait, holding on to Mama’s rose pendant necklace.
I’m about to fall asleep when the door opens. I’m so tired. I crawl to the door, following that light. But then it’s dark again. I don’t have the energy to call out. I just want to sleep.
Something rolls in front of me.
Bread. The smell of bread makes me hungry. But it’s all dirty.
But I’m so hungry. So I eat it. And choke back my tears.
“Mama,” I sob, chewing on the bread, tears falling down my cheeks. “I want to see you. I want to see you.”
I take another bite. I’m so hungry. I eat until I’m full. Then I drink more of that horrible water. I’m tired now. I close my eyes and fall asleep.
* * * * *
“Where did you find him, Fiona?”
“In the basement.”
“Oh God. Why did he go there? No one goes there.”
“I don’t know. I’m so worried, Beau. When I found him, he said he wants to go see his mother. I told you, Beau, he’s sick. His mother’s dead. He saw his own mother die in that fire. He’s traumatized. Shouldn’t you take him for treatment? Have some compassion for your son.”
“Julian is not sick. He will not go see some shrink or be in some sick institution. He misses his mother. Give him a few more weeks here. He’ll get better soon.”
“But I’m worried. What happens if he starts scaring Josh? I don’t want Josh to be affected by any of this. He needs treatment, Beau.”
“Julian is not sick. Stop saying he needs treatment. What he needs is love. From all of us. Can you do that, Fiona? I know I’m asking a lot from you. But he’s my son. I’ve already made the mistake of bringing him into this world. Now that he’s here, I want to give him the best possible future. But this new business is really stressing me out. What I need from you is to support him. Stay here and make him feel like he’s a part of our family.”
“Beau, you know I love Julian like my own son. Of course I’ll watch him. You don’t need to worry about it. Just focus on work.”
“Thank you, Fiona. How could I do this without you?”
“All I ask of you is to love our son.”
I listen to their conversation. They’re talking about me.
Papa comes into my bedroom. “Julian, are you okay, son?” he asks. He touches my hair.
I can’t talk. My throat is too sore. I just cry and hug him.
“It’s okay, son. You’re not sick. You have me.”
* * * * *
It’s Josh’s fifth birthday today. Everyone is playing at the pool and eating cake. I want to eat cake too, but Fiona won’t give me any. I want to play with them too, but Fiona says I have to do the dishes.
I’m inside alone, doing the dishes, watching them play. I’m so hungry, but there’s nothing in the kitchen to eat. Fiona says I can only eat a piece of bread for breakfast. The other day I took two and she slapped my hand and locked me in that dark basement again.
I’m so hungry right now. I rub my tummy. I want to play with them. I want to have friends like Josh too.
I look outside. I see Josh arguing with his friend. Someone pushes him in the pool. Josh doesn’t come back up.
I count the seconds. Ten seconds. He’s still not coming up. No one goes into the pool to help him. I run out of the house and jump in.
I see him. He’s lying at the bottom of the pool. I grab him and swim up. I lay him on the concrete floor.
I stare at him. He’s not moving. He looks pale. I call his name. He doesn’t respond to me. I blow air through his mouth and pump his chest, like Mama showed me to do when someone drowns.
Blow two breaths in the mouth. Pump thirty times on the chest with both hands.
I do that. Josh is coming back. His lips are turning pink.
Just when he’s about to open his eyes, someone yanks me to the side.
“What did you do?”
I look at Fiona. She’s mad again.
I look back at Josh. He’s starting to open his eyes.
Fiona pulls my arm again, shaking me. “Tell me, you bastard child. What did you do to my son?”
I look at the boy who pushed Josh in the pool. He looks back at me, then at Fiona. “It’s him. He pushed Josh in.” He points to me.
I shake my head. “No. No. You pushed him. I saw you. Josh drowned. So I brought him up here. I did—”
Fiona slaps me. I fall on the pool deck and hit my head. It hurts. I want to cry. But I don’t. I’m a brave boy. That’s what Mama said. Brave boys don’t cry.
Papa is coming over. He looks scared.
“What is going on? What is going on?” Papa asks Fiona.
“Ask your son, Beau. He’s sick. I said he’s sick, but you didn’t believe me. Now look what he’s done. He tried to drown our son.” Fiona points at me.
Papa turns to me. “Julian. Did you do it? Did you drown your brother?”
“No, Papa, no. Josh—”
“He’s sick, Beau.” Fiona cuts me off. I look at her. She’s pointing at me again. And she’s yelling at Papa. “Take him for treatment or I’m leaving you.”
“Papa, I didn’t hurt Josh.” I tug at his trousers. But he’s not listening to me. He’s looking at Fiona, crying with Josh in her arms. “Papa,” I call him again. “I didn’t hurt Josh.”
But Papa is now crying too. And he looks mad. He stares at me. He’s mad at me. Papa is mad at me.
“Julian. Come with me.” He takes my hand.
“Where are we going, Papa?”
“To your new home.”
I walk with him. To my new home.
* * * * *
“Papa, don’t leave me here. Take me home with you.” I sob.
Papa is sitting in front of me, his hand touching my hair. I’m in a jacket with long sleeves. They tie the sleeves together. I can’t move. I can’t touch him. I want to touch him.
“No, Julian. You have to stay here. To get better.”
“But I’m not sick. I’m not sick. I want to go home. I want to see Mama.”
“Your mother is gone now.”
“Mama isn't gone. She said she’ll wait for me. On the other side. Please, Papa. Please take me home with you. I promise I’ll be a good boy. I promise I’ll listen to Fiona. I promise I’ll only eat one slice of bread. I promise I won’t play with Josh’s toys again. I promise not to make Fiona mad. I promise—”
“Julian, Julian, stop.” Papa is crying. His tears run down his face. Like my tears too. He wipes my tears. Then he wipes his. He touches my hair again.
I want to hold his hand. I want to hold his hand. But I can’t move. I cry some more.
“Papa. Papa.”
“Julian. Son. I promise, w
hen you get better, I’ll take you home. Get better, okay? Then we’ll live together again.”
“Papa.” I sob, shaking my head.
“Don’t cry, Julian. Dad has to go now. Dad will come and see you soon.”
“Papa. No. No. Don’t leave me. Please, Papa. Don’t leave me.”
I lie in bed, watching Papa close the door behind him. I’m all alone. I can’t move. Tears slide down my face.
Mama, save me. Take me away from this place.
* * * * *
I sink in and out of consciousness. Vivid memories from my younger days flit through my mind. My mother’s death at age six. Being put in the mental hospital at age eight. Staying there until I turned fourteen. Battling drugs for nine years. Living with those haunting memories for twenty years.
I knew my life would never last long. There’s too much darkness within me. No one could save me from my own destructive mind.
That’s why I planned this. I wanted to see my mother one last time. I wanted to give her back the things she never had. Money, reputation, freedom. And the release from the fear of being chastised by her ruined face.
My mother didn’t deserve to live her whole life hiding behind a scarf. My beautiful mother deserved to stand in the sun, to soak up the heat on her face.
Her disfigurement meant nothing to me. She’s still as beautiful as ever. My kind mother sacrificed herself to save me in that fire. And now I’ll do anything to save her. And I’ll give her back what they took from her. The Devereux legacy.
By gaining the legacy I get to spite Fiona. She took everything from my mother. My father, her health, and her freedom. And now I’ll take it all back.
I planned everything so perfectly. Selecting the right pawn, perfecting my act. I had to learn to control my aggressive behavior. It was hard, but I did it.
All was going as planned.
Until I saw her.
My pawn.
I didn’t realize she would have this much effect on me. I didn’t realize she was like a parasite, digging into my heart, eating away at the darkness of my soul, until I woke up one morning, realizing I’d changed.