“I’ll walk with you to the stable.” She didn’t wait for a reply but let go of his hand and proceeded down the front steps, her heart pounding harder when Joshua followed close upon her heels.
Thankfully there was light enough from the windows to guide the way along a dirt drive that ran the length of the house. He caught up with her just outside the stable so he could slide open the door, the low nickering of horses and the smell of hay greeting them. A single lantern hanging from a hook lit the interior, but only dimly, Joshua moving at once to the stall that held his paint stallion.
The voice in Ingrid’s ear only grew louder as her gaze skipped from the stall where Big Pete bobbed his head to another stall that stood empty, a shovel propped nearby.
Fresh intuition hit Ingrid like a jolt. Suddenly she felt rooted to the ground as she watched Joshua hoist a saddle onto Blaze’s back, a wave of intense sadness overwhelming her.
Sadness for Joshua. Sadness for Davy and Emily. Sadness for the wife and mother who had breathed her last in this stable.
“Joshua, is this where your wife…?”
She faltered, Joshua gone still for what seemed like the longest moment…until his hands dropped from the saddle and he turned to face her, his eyes stricken.
“Yes, Mary died here, but what happened to her is no secret. She couldn’t bear being the wife of a sheriff any longer and wanted to leave me…leave our children. She was saddling her mare when she tripped and hit her head on that shovel.”
“That’s what Davy cried out when I woke him from his nightmare. That she struck her head and you tried to help her, but it was too late. He saw everything, heard everything. Oh, Joshua, I’m so sorry, truly.”
He stared at her, not saying a word, but Ingrid saw the moisture glistening in his eyes right before he turned away from her and went back to saddling his horse.
“Davy said his mother didn’t want him or Emily, but I can’t believe that was true. Emily told me Mary sang to her every night just like any mother would do that dearly loves her children—”
“It’s not that she didn’t love them, but that she said she didn’t love them with Davy standing right there…and for that I’ll never forgive her.”
Joshua had spoken with so emotionless a voice that Ingrid felt a chill, and she wished now that she hadn’t insisted upon accompanying him to the stable but had waited for him on the porch. His expression was also emotionless as he walked his horse out of the stall and came toward her.
“Do you want a man with that blight upon his soul? A man who stubbornly went his own way in spite of his wife’s entreaties that he seek a different occupation than sheriff?” He stopped to flip the reins over the animal’s head, though he kept his gaze fixed upon her. “I’ve seen something shining in your eyes that matches what I feel for you, I won’t deny it, but you don’t want to spend your life with a man like me, Ingrid. I might as well have swung that shovel because my actions killed Mary…and for that I can’t forgive myself, either.”
With that he climbed into the saddle and held out his hand for her. She stood there staring up at him, unable to move as tears blurred her vision.
“Better to cry now than to weep for a lifetime,” he said grimly as he nudged Blaze closer. “Take my hand, I need to get you home. Andreas and Anita will be wondering what’s become of you.”
She did as he bade her, her fingers shaking as she felt as if the world was crumbling around her. The next thing she knew she was seated in front of him, her legs dangling to one side, his arms bracing her against him.
“Hold on,” he murmured against her ear, Ingrid certain that he seemed to draw her closer as they set off at a trot down the drive.
Doing her best to swallow her tears, she thought back to the first time he had swept her into the saddle though she had struggled and fought him. Now she wanted nothing more than this ride to go on forever—no, she would not accept that there was no hope for them, no future! Not when he’d admitted that he felt about her just as she did about him, Joshua falling in love with her just as she knew she had fallen in love with him.
“Shall I paint an even clearer picture for you?” he said almost harshly into her ear as they made their way along the dark street. “Cormac Sutherland isn’t the first man I’ve shot dead, another blight on my soul. His bullet grazed my arm—”
“Oh, Joshua, no!” Ingrid broke in, astonished that she hadn’t seen any injury, though she realized then he favored his left arm even as he held her more tightly.
“I’ve more scars, too, from other bullets that grazed me or ripped into my shoulder, my thigh, my right side. Thank God Doc Davis either saved my life or patched me up every time, just like he did today. The blood wasn’t visible on my dark coat when I came to find you in the dining room, but it’s there, Ingrid. It’s there.”
She lowered her head, not wanting to hear any more, but sensing he wasn’t finished.
“My deputy Billy Braun wasn’t as fortunate, half of his skull blown away. We had to tear his screaming wife away from him so Old Man Beckham could transport his body to the funeral home. She left a short while ago to accompany his coffin on the train to Austin, where he’ll be buried in his family plot. The same fate is what Mary feared would happen to me and why she pleaded every time I took a bullet that I turn in my badge and walk away.”
“Why didn’t you?” Ingrid blurted out, trying to twist around to see his face. “Stubbornness only goes so far! There had to be another reason—”
“Yes, one she refused to accept, that fighting any evil plaguing these streets made Walker Creek a safer place for her and our children. It all rings so hollow now, but I still believe it. That’s why I swore when Mary died that I would never marry again and make another woman suffer as she did—Lord help me, never!”
Her heart sinking at his vehemence, Ingrid felt sick, all hope fled. She was almost relieved when they came to her house, which appeared lit up from every room, Andreas pacing the front porch. At the sight of them her brother ran down the steps to the street, Joshua drawing his horse to a halt to meet him.
“Ingrid was kind enough to stay with my children until I returned home. Forgive me that it’s so late.”
“We were worried, is all. I was almost ready to ride to your house or even the jail—”
“Stay away from the jail, Andreas. Cain and Connor are swearing revenge for their brother’s death and they blame both of us for what’s happened to him. As soon as their two weeks’ sentence is up, I’m going to run them out of town and if they know what’s good for them, they won’t return.”
As Andreas nodded gravely, Joshua eased Ingrid down from the saddle. She saw him wince from pain, which made her feel even more wretched. How could a Sunday that had held such happy promise become like a terrible dream?
“Good night,” Joshua said brusquely, though she swore she saw regret in his gaze, which held hers even as he flicked the reins. “No need to come by the house tomorrow after school. Davy will just have to make up his lessons—”
“Oh, I’ll be there!” she threw back at him, a sudden defiance seizing her. She lifted her chin. “We all have a job to do. I value my work as a teacher as much as you do yours, Sheriff Logan. Good night.”
In spite of how heartbroken she felt, Ingrid took some small satisfaction that he appeared momentarily startled before riding away without another word. Andreas shook his head, looking at her strangely.
“One minute Joshua and the next Sheriff Logan? I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you—”
“Nothing!” she cut him off, chewing her lip to hold the tears at bay as she hastened toward the house. “Absolutely nothing.”
“So it’s done,” Joshua said bitterly to himself, the streets appearing even darker to him now as he rode back home.
He couldn’t have made it clearer to Ingrid that there could be nothing between them, ever, and she’d reacted as any woman whose feelings had been deeply hurt.
Shock. Sadness. Tear
s. Yet spirited opposition, too, when he’d suggested that she didn’t need to come by his house tomorrow, which he hadn’t expected. If it wasn’t so dark, he might have seen her blue eyes flashing at him, but anger was just another facet of how wretched she must feel.
He felt wretched, too, though he tried in vain to swallow it down as he approached his house.
Ingrid accompanying him to the stable had also surprised him, but perhaps by seeking answers she had hoped she might change his mind that he wasn’t the right man for her—
“No hope of that,” Joshua bit off. Nothing in heaven and earth would restore his blighted soul and make him the man Ingrid Hagen needed and deserved…
“Oh, dear, I think I’m lost. Yes, I’m sure of it now. Sir, might you be able to assist me?”
Joshua pulled up on the reins, recognizing at once the tiny elderly woman who approached him from the side of the street.
The same woman who’d come out of a shop and cried out for him to hurry when he’d pulled Ingrid onto his horse.
He dismounted just as she reached him, Joshua amazed that in the dark he had seen her at all.
“Ma’am?”
“You’re so very kind to stop, thank you, young man. I’m visiting from out of town and thought I’d take a walk. It’s such a lovely evening, isn’t it? Yet I’ve lost my way and now I’m rather fatigued.”
“Here, let me help you,” Joshua offered, though strangely when he reached for her arm, he felt only air.
“Oh, no, you don’t need to support me, but I could sit for a spell and catch my breath. Isn’t that your house there?”
Joshua followed her glance, nodding. He’d been so lost in his bleak thoughts that he hadn’t realized he was almost home. She didn’t wait for him, but walked on ahead in so brisk a manner that he had the oddest feeling that she wasn’t fatigued at all. He followed, and tethered Blaze to the hitching post just beyond his front porch.
“Look, rocking chairs! A pair of them, too, one for me and one for you. Come sit with me, Joshua, will you?”
Again she didn’t wait for him, and it seemed within the blink of an eye she was seated and contentedly rocking while Joshua sat down with some consternation beside her.
“You know my name? I don’t recall us ever meeting—”
“Of course, you’re Sheriff Joshua Logan. Everyone knows who you are, for better or worse, unfortunately. You’ve had a terrible day. The whole town’s talking.”
“Yes, terrible,” Joshua agreed, “though it didn’t start out that way.”
“I know, the church service was wonderful, wasn’t it? Reverend Thomas gave such a moving sermon…all about forgiveness, I believe. I wonder, though, if you were paying any attention. Perhaps you were too busy staring at Ingrid in the front pew. She is lovely, isn’t she?”
Joshua didn’t answer, but rubbed his forehead, feeling suddenly as if he were in a perplexing dream. The woman’s voice was so soothing and with a lilting quality he’d heard before…yes, when he’d heard Ingrid singing so sweetly in Norwegian tonight to his daughter. But who was she? And to have appeared so suddenly as if out of nowhere?
“Ma’am, I don’t know your name,” he began, only to hear the lightest laughter that soothed him even more.
“Kari. Tante Kari to those who know me best.”
“No last name? It might help me to find where you’re staying—”
“We guardian angels don’t need last names, oh, my, no. Don’t worry, Joshua, I’ll find my way back…but will you?”
He stared at her, dumbstruck, as a brilliant light seemed to envelop her…her silvery hair becoming a blinding white.
“Don’t be afraid, my son. I was given permission to appear to you this way to assure you it’s not true at all that nothing in heaven and earth will restore your soul. Mary has forgiven you, but you must forgive her, too. Only then will you be able to forgive yourself.”
“Mary…has forgiven me?”
Tante Kari nodded, her smile so kind that Joshua felt tears burn his eyes. “She wants you to be happy…you and Davy and Emily. When the time comes, you’ll know the right path to choose. Don’t throw love away with both hands, Joshua. It’s too precious a gift…ah, but I must go now.”
“No, don’t leave,” he murmured even as she seemed to shimmer in front of him, the light surrounding her starting to fade.
“You won’t remember our visit, Joshua, but I pray in your heart you’ll remember my words. May the Lord bless and keep you.”
He sat there for the longest moment, staring at the chair beside him that slowly ceased to rock, until he blinked and looked around him.
How did he come to be sitting on his front porch? He felt so strange, and beyond weary, too. No wonder he didn’t remember arriving home.
Something seemed different, the bitterness and desolation that had wracked him gone, but perhaps that was exhaustion, too. He rose from the chair and left the porch, not remembering tethering his horse to the hitching post, either.
Shaking his head, Joshua untied the reins and led the animal toward the stable, the door still open just as he’d left it. His feet felt leaden, each step an effort. He began to doubt that he would make it into the house, a pile of fresh hay suddenly looking very inviting.
He had no sooner shut the gate to the stall when he sank into the hay and closed his eyes…a comforting peace unlike anything he’d ever known settling over him.
Chapter 8
“Papa, did you really fall asleep in the stable?”
Joshua nodded at Davy, feeling a bit embarrassed that he’d spent the night in a pile of hay.
He couldn’t believe it himself when he awoke to the neighbor’s rooster crowing, having very little recollection of why he’d been unable to make his way to the house. All he remembered was feeling so very tired as if sapped of all strength, but then again, he hadn’t known such a deep night’s sleep in years.
“Hay’s quite comfortable,” Joshua said as he ruffled his son’s light brown hair. “Maybe we should all try it together, you and me and Emily.”
“Not me, Papa!” Emily piped up, finishing her breakfast of eggs and bacon. “I like my bed, and hay’s too scratchy.”
“So it is,” Joshua agreed, a bath having been in order first thing when he’d returned to the house, his skin itching and bits of hay flecking his hair. Yet somehow his unexpected bedding hadn’t bothered him at all while he’d slept so peacefully. “Time to leave for school, Emily. Davy, you have plenty of books to read and Inez to keep you company until we return home. Don’t try to go upstairs with your crutches and don’t forget Miss Hagen will be coming over later with the day’s lessons for you.”
“Don’t, don’t, don’t,” Davy murmured, looking disgruntled as he pushed his scrambled eggs around with his fork. “I’m not sick, Papa. My leg’s broke, is all. Why can’t I go to school with Emily?”
“You need to stay at home for a while to make sure everything’s healing properly. Doc Davis’s orders. We’ll see you this afternoon.”
Joshua got up from the table and followed after Emily, who had run into the kitchen to give Inez a hug and then pushed open the back door to head outside.
Clearly she was excited to ride with him to school, her normal mode of walking across town with her brother curtailed while he was on crutches. Strangely, he felt somewhat nervous at the thought of seeing Ingrid, especially since he didn’t feel the same about everything as he had last night.
Something was different. He was different, though he couldn’t put his finger on what might have happened to make him wake up not bitter and hopeless…but hopeful.
Ingrid had been angry when he’d left her with Andreas and ridden away, and Joshua couldn’t blame her. He had every expectation that she might not even want to speak to him, though how she would avoid doing so when she came over to his house later remained to be seen.
He still wasn’t convinced that he was the right man for her, the dangerous reality of serving as sheriff of Wal
ker Creek never leaving him. Yet something deep inside him had inexplicably changed, he could feel it…the same words echoing in his mind since he’d awoken in that pile of hay.
Don’t throw love away with both hands, Joshua, it’s too precious a gift.
Had he remembered them from a dream? A glimmer of memory suddenly struck him like a brilliant ray of light—a melodic voice, a compassionate smile—but then it vanished so quickly he must have imagined it. Emily calling to him from the stable made him focus again on the task at hand, the timbre of his daughter’s voice reminding him so much of Mary.
Mary.
For the first time since her death, Joshua didn’t feel anger warring with anguish, only a strong sense of unfinished business long overdue. After he dropped off Emily, he had another destination a quarter mile past the schoolhouse that he’d rarely visited over the past year.
Yes, God forgive him, unfinished business long overdue.
“Good morning, Miss Hagen!”
“Good morning,” Ingrid greeted each student climbing the steps to the schoolhouse. All of them looked fresh-faced and eager for the day’s lessons in spite of the trouble in town yesterday, children so blessedly resilient.
She was glad to be back, too, Ingrid feeling as if she’d been gone such a long time for all that had happened since last Wednesday, not even a full week ago!
She hadn’t counted heads yet, but she was certain almost everyone had arrived except for Emily, and of course, Davy, whom she would see at his house later. Nervousness sluiced through her at the thought, but she lifted her chin and told herself it didn’t matter one whit to her if Joshua was there or not. She had no intention of interacting with him. Her sole purpose was to give Davy his lessons and then leave at once for home—
“Hello, Miss Hagen!”
Ingrid spun around, having already turned to go inside the schoolroom. At once her face began to burn to see Emily waving to her from atop her father’s horse, Joshua walking the animal right up to the steps before he pulled up on the reins.
Ingrid (Walker Creek Brides Book 2) Page 6