All That the Heart Desires

by June Moonbridge

  “We must thank you for having us here.” Harry was all politeness. Just before she took her eyes off me, there was a spark of fear in them. I didn’t have time to analyse it. I was left alone with Crest who offered me his hand.

  “You’ll not be alone for long. Lorcan went to check Hell’s Feet…”

  “Excuse me?” I interrupted him. Daniel laughed out loud.

  “I’m sorry. Horse—he went to check on a horse. His name is Hell’s Feet.”

  I nodded.

  “Let me take you to the table,” he continued. I followed his lead. I recognised some of the other guests from the charity ball in Budapest. They all nodded in my direction and I greeted them the same way. I actually felt strange in their company. I enjoyed Formula 1 racing, but they were living it. It was a big difference.

  Before I could sit down, my chair was pulled out for me. Looking up, I saw Lorcan’s smiling eyes. I sat down and he was seated to my right. Crest sat at the head of the table. Harry was sitting next to the hostess.

  The dinner went smoothly and, although I was afraid I would have nothing to talk about, I was included the conversation. We talked about a variety of subjects. Carlos Souza sat across the table; he made several comments I didn’t quite like but I decided to overlook them. He was just a boy, not yet twenty-one years old, but old enough to sit behind the steering wheel of one of the fastest race cars.

  However, I was restless. I wanted Harry to see the boys. Somehow I knew my story about the twins hadn’t quite convinced him. He was a practical man. He always wanted to be sure for himself. The dinner had already started and the table was full. There was no room for anyone else. It was clear the boys were not going to join us and I was disappointed.

  “…our two ghost storytellers will let you know all about it,” I suddenly heard from across the table. I turned around and saw Ursula talking to Harry.

  “They will explain everything, if only you’re willing to listen to them the whole day.” Harry must have felt my eyes on him as he shook his head slightly. It was a signal for me to stop staring at them across the table.

  As the dinner came to an end, Daniel turned to me. He seemed slightly surprised to see me silently staring at the candle.

  “Does fire calm you down?” he asked.

  “No, not really. Why?”

  “You looked at peace watching the candle flame. Anyway, I hope you will like our little surprise.”

  “Surprise?” I repeated. Daniel smiled.

  “Will you tell her or should I?” he asked Lorcan. I turned to him with a questioning look on my face.

  “Just another tradition. Although we haven’t flown with the balloons today, the balloon glow is a Friday tradition.” I was astonished.

  “The balloon glow?”

  I wasn’t sure what to expect and I didn’t want them to make fun of me for not knowing what they were talking about. I sipped some more wine and left the dessert untouched.

  Feeling Daniel’s questioning eyes on me again, I looked at him.

  “You don’t like chocolate panna cotta with sour cherries?”

  I looked at the perfectly prepared dessert in front of me.

  “I love it, but I’m full. If I try even a little of this, I will literally explode. You should have told me about this before…”

  Ursula tapped her wine glass and the table became silent.

  “It’s time for us to go outside,” she announced and everybody stood up, except for Harry. He looked a little confused.

  Ursula whispered something into his ear. Harry nodded and offered her his elbow. They led the group through the parlour onto the terrace.

  On joining them, I had to take a deep breath. There they were; five big hot air balloons glowing in the dark on the grass, resplendent against the dark blue sky. We were all silent; the only thing to be heard was hissing gas.

  “Would you like to see how it is in the air?” asked Lorcan. He stood behind me, wrapping his arms around me.

  “Can we do that?” I asked him.

  “Of course,” said Daniel. “They’re waiting. We will let them glow for another half an hour.”

  Lorcan took my hand and led me through the group, without giving me a chance to argue, not that I was thinking of it.

  “I didn’t think darkness was your ‘thing’,” said Carlos. “I thought you preferred daylight, at least judging from what we saw this afternoon or a few days back in the newspapers.”

  Lorcan wanted to turn around, but I managed to push him forward, not giving him the chance to reply. I understood the young man’s provocative game. He didn’t want to be second fiddle in the team.

  “Carlos, silencio!” The woman’s loud voice caused a ripple of giggles.

  “Who was that?” I asked when I saw a large smile on Lorcan’s face.

  “Carlos’ mother. She’s still running his life. He obeys her completely.” I nodded. Now I understood the youngster even more. He was trying hard to prove himself and he was trying to break the bond with his mother. I envied him. He had his mother. I had been without my parents for most of my life.

  When we arrived at the balloon, the pilot jumped out.

  “Don’t lose the rope,” he warned Lorcan.

  “I won’t.” Lorcan loosened the thick rope, which along with some sand bags hanging from the basket was keeping the balloon on the ground. The balloon slowly started to rise into the air.

  I looked around but I could see that the people on the terrace weren’t going to join us. The four remaining balloons rested on the ground. The hissing of the gas was even louder as Lorcan increased the pressure, keeping the hot air in the balloon.

  We stopped just above the treetops. The view was beautiful. I was able to see out to the sea.

  “We’re at one hundred and fifty feet,” Lorcan said. He knotted the rope tightly back to the hook on the basket.

  “Okay” He looked at me in surprise.

  “You’re calm. You’re not scared of heights?”

  “Should I be?” I asked. He didn’t answer.

  “Don’t look at me like you’ve just seen me for the first time,” I said.

  “Really?”

  “Really. The higher that I am, the more I like it. That’s why I often sit…” I realised I’d said way too much and stopped talking abruptly.

  “Where?”

  “High above the sea.” He was silent again. As the basket was not very big, perhaps for a maximum six people, I didn’t actually have any space to move around. As it turned out, in the end, I didn’t need it. I was able to see all of the sky from where I stood. All that I needed to do was to turn around, but that was the hardest thing. I couldn’t look away from Lorcan.

  “You’re incredible, you know that?” he said. I shrugged my shoulders.

  “But fear of heights isn’t what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about…”

  “Us,” I interrupted him.

  “Yes. You haven’t said anything about us.”

  I sighed. Looking into his eyes, I could see the reflection of the gas flame. I was not ready to say anything about the subject of us. I knew him better than he did me, and I wasn’t prepared to reveal my secrets.

  I wondered how the papers hadn’t dug out the story from my past. I knew it would be better for me to tell him everything before the paparazzi revealed it, but I couldn’t. It was an unhealed scar on my heart and every now and then a drop of blood still dripped through it.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked and reached out to caress my face. Only then did I realise that my eyes were full of tears. He was wiping them from my cheek. I turned around and quickly wiped away the drops that were threatening to follow the first traitor. I was ready to face him again once my tears had dried. His eyes were searching mine. “Do you love me?” he asked. We were alone in the air. I could admit it to him—no one else would have heard my confession, but I remained silent.

  “I love you. I’ve told you already and if I have to, I’ll be saying it for as long as you
need to believe me. What are you afraid of?”

  Suddenly I felt the cold breeze from the nearby sea. I trembled.

  “Tell me, please.”

  “I’m afraid that sooner or later all this will collapse like a house of cards.”

  The following day, I was determined that I would have a chance to see the boys again. I needed to be sure that what I assumed was actually the truth.

  It was early morning when I woke up. After our conversation in the balloon, Lorcan had tried to convince me that what I was thinking about our ‘relationship’ was wrong, but I didn’t want to discuss it with him anymore. I knew it would not end well and was preparing myself for the inevitable.

  After leaving my room, I went to the stairs. I’d already turned to go down, when I changed my mind and decided that I would check the upper floor of the mansion instead. At that moment I ran into Tom.

  “Breakfast is served in the dining room,” he said.

  “Thank you, Tom,” I nodded and went downstairs. Reaching the ground floor, I turned around to see Tom still standing where I had left him.

  I entered the dining room slowly and discovered that breakfast was already prepared. I was alone and the house was silent. I took a cup of black coffee and sat alone at the table.

  Suddenly I heard a noise and the sound of running. I looked around but, although the dining room had its door open, I couldn’t see anyone. My back was to the door.

  Curiosity made me stand up and quickly but, although I went to the dining room doors, I was too late. As I reached the doors, I heard the main door being slammed shut. I still couldn’t see anyone, so returned to the dining room and poured myself another cup of coffee.

  While standing by the windows, drinking my coffee slowly, I hadn’t realised I was no longer alone in the room.

  “Good morning.” I jumped. Daniel Crest smiled apologetically.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  I smiled back.

  “It’s alright. I thought I was alone.” He came in and checked the prepared food in the covered dishes. In the end he didn’t take anything either, only a cup of tea.

  “I can’t eat breakfast.” I didn’t have any answer to that, so I just sipped the last drops of coffee from my cup and he did the same with his tea. I had a feeling he wanted to talk to me. I had no doubt what the subject would be

  I left my spot by the windows slowly and returned to the pot of coffee to pour myself another. After I had put the pot back down onto the heater, he finally spoke.

  “Are you prepared for what’s in store for you?”

  “I’m not sure.” I was truthful.

  Daniel swallowed his tea in one big gulp and put the cup down on the table. He looked at me again.

  “How did you feel on Monday, seeing your photos in the newspapers?”

  “Awkward.” There was something about him that made me speak the truth.

  “I forgot how it is to be in…” Suddenly I realised I was talking again without thinking first. I closed my mouth. I took another sip of coffee. Although it was hot and had almost burned me, I kept my mouth shut. At the same time I was saved by some other guests coming into the dining room, Harry among them.

  His face lit up when he saw me.

  “Good morning, sis,” he greeted me. He came closer and kissed me on the cheek.

  “Good morning Harry. Did you sleep well?”

  He nodded.

  “I did.”

  “How many hours?” I knew that Monday’s drunken sleep of almost eight hours was the exception.

  “Don’t ask if you don’t want to know the answer.” I felt Daniel Crest and other people’s eyes looking from me to Harry and back. I sighed. I had my answer. Harry slept only three, perhaps four hours a night maximum.

  Returning to the table with a full plate of scrambled eggs and bacon, he asked me the same irritating question he always did.

  “How many cups of coffee have you had already?”

  “Don’t ask if you don’t want to know the answer,” was my response and a man and woman who were standing close smiled politely. Daniel looked from Harry to me and back to Harry.

  “You taught her well,” he said and we started to laugh. Hearing ‘our’ phrase said by someone else was funny.

  “I did, didn’t I,” Harry answered. Daniel turned to me as I put my cup down on the table.

  “Will you join me in the garden?” I saw Harry raise his eyebrows but, having a full mouth, he had to stay silent, at least for the time being.

  I followed Crest out of the dining room, expecting that we would go out into the garden, but instead of that, Crest opened the front door. I hid my surprise and stepped out. He followed and closed the big door behind us.

  He descended the stairs in silence. There were fewer cars parked there than the day before but that was understandable. Some of the guests who lived close by had returned home. Only the team members had slept in the mansion.

  I felt awkward but followed him. I didn’t want to be first to continue with the conversation. I wanted to know where it would lead us.

  When he realised I was not beside him, he slowed down and waited until I matched his step. I started to feel like I was having my first conversation with my possible ‘father-in-law’ and I’d never had one in my life before. Juan had never introduced me to his family.

  Thinking about my past changed the expression on my face to a more serious one.

  “Everything alright?” I finally heard him.

  “Yes, of course,” I answered. “Why do you ask?”

  His expression was unreadable.

  “Your face changed,” he explained. “You became…” He didn’t finish his thought.

  We walked past the maze, and continued our walk between the trees. Willow branches were gently swaying in the light breeze. I started to catch at them, letting them slip through my hands.

  “Where are we going?”

  “To the stables.”

  I decided to grab the bull by the horns.

  “You wanted to talk to me.”

  He nodded.

  “Yes I did.”

  “So?”

  “Do you love him?”

  Hell, now is everyone going to ask me the same question?

  I stopped walking. He carried on walking before noticing that I was no longer beside him; for him, it was a natural question to ask.

  “I won’t answer that,” I said.

  He nodded.

  “You don’t have to. It’s written on your face.” I was relieved to see the stables through the branches. The conversation would hopefully end soon.

  “The paparazzi will tear you apart. Are you prepared?” He was direct and harsh. “Are you hiding anything from the world?” He looked me straight in the eyes.

  “From the world? No. Just…”

  “Good morning!” I was saved by a cheerful Lorcan, who was standing between the open stable doors. I smiled with relief.

  “So you’ve come to see Hell’s Feet?”

  After Lorcan’s interruption, Crest returned alone to the house with the excuse that he needed to check on the other guests.

  The horse Lorcan showed me was a magnificent black thoroughbred, standing at about sixteen and half hands high.

  “Did you sleep well?” he asked me, when we were on our way back to the house.

  I nodded.

  “And you?”

  He shook his head.

  “No! Knowing how close you are and not having you in my arms made my night a living hell.”

  “Are you making fun of me?”

  “Why should I be?”

  “You had no problems with sleeping on Monday night,” I walked a few steps in front of him.

  Suddenly I found myself lifted from behind.

  “I wasn’t sleeping alone. I had you in my arms,” he laughed.

  He’d known all along. When he put me back down I turned around and faced him.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”r />
  He shrugged his shoulders.

  “Why should I? Seeing you coming into my room was like a dream. I like dreams and by waking up they just end. I didn’t want them to end … Although I knew it wasn’t a dream.”

  “I hate you.”

  He laughed.

  “Just keep on saying that, if you think I’ll believe you.”

  As we passed the maze, he increased his pace. I did the same and in the end we were both running. I didn’t run in a straight line, so that made it difficult to catch me right away. We were both laughing.

  Only when we heard voices did we turn and realise we had given quite a show to the people standing on the terrace.

  When I saw Harry there too, standing with Ursula Crest, a serious look on his face, I knew I couldn’t afford to be too relaxed.

  “Let me go,” I whispered to Lorcan. He let me down slowly, but took my hand and walked by my side to the terrace.

  “It’s been a long time since we saw you this way,” I heard someone say. Joining the group on the terrace, I slipped my hand out of Lorcan’s and went to join Harry and Ursula. Although my brother looked somewhat annoyed, Ursula smiled at us.

  “I must leave for London,” said Harry. “I need to check what’s going on there. Will you…”

  “I’ll stay here,” I interrupted him. I’d broken my word and returned to England before I’d found my son. I was not yet ready to go to London. He looked relieved. I think he’d expected that I would want to accompany him.

  “Right. I’ll go immediately. I’ll be back here in time for dinner, otherwise I’ll call you.” He kissed me on the cheek. Before he apologised to Ursula, he surprised us both with a question.

  “Will your ghost storytellers be available today?”

  “No, unfortunately not,” said Ursula. “The boys went on a field trip; actually they went to see their new school.”

  Harry looked at me cautiously.

  “I see,” he said. “I was looking forward to hearing some ghost stories.” Ursula opened her hands in disappointment.

  “I know I promised. I’m sorry.”

  I turned around as Harry finally made his apologies, and then he was gone. I watched him walk quickly through the parlour and the entrance hall. As the front door closed behind him, I started to think about the real reason for his leaving. The realisation why he was leaving for London came just as I heard his car drive away. I was too late.